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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

60 replies

wildthingsmummy · 22/03/2017 00:34

Fully prepared to be told I'm being selfish...

DH and I were talking hypothetically about the future, and what might happen when our parents are elderly.

(As background, MIL is mid-70s. DH is an only child)

Basically DH wants MIL to live with us eventually, but I'm not prepared to be her carer (and it will be down to me, because I'm a SAHM and DH works full-time). Now he's really grumpy and I feel bad, but I don't see why I should HYPOTHETICALLY care for an elderly lady.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
JamesDelaneysHat · 22/03/2017 09:34

His mother might not even want to come and live with you both! Has anyone actually thought about her wishes in this?

BToperator · 22/03/2017 09:42

While you are right, and this is way to much to expect, I really don't think this is worth falling out over. Neither of you can predict what care your MIL may need as she gets older. This is an argument to have if and when the time comes that she needs care.

Factorysettings · 22/03/2017 09:45

I don't know BT, I think it might be better to nut this one out when it's hypothetical rather than when the decision is more pressing and emotional.

WatchingFromTheWings · 22/03/2017 09:50

You are most definately NBU. I wouldn't do it for my own mother (forgetting for the moment I'm NC with the witch).

BrieAndChilli · 22/03/2017 09:56

Has he specified what he means exactly?
He could mean that when MIL starts finding it hard to cook/clean etc he would like her to move in with you for - company/meals/general keeping an eye
Or does he mean when MIL can't get out of bed/remember her own name - that requires extra care that should be provided by a professional whether a carer that come round or into a home
Would you be happy with the first scenario moving into employing a carer to do the bulk when she deteriotes a bit and then DH happy to hen put her into a home once she needs 24 hour care?

MrsChopper · 22/03/2017 09:57

I don't think you are BU and I think it's good to make your feelings clear now while it's only hypothetical.

Also agree with pp who suggested your MIL might not actually want to stay with you!

gamerchick · 22/03/2017 10:12

I couldn't do this for my own DM,never mind anyone else! No you are definitely NBU

Ruddy right.

Have another chat with him later OP if he's still stripping about it. It probably needs clearing up.

Original poster
wildthingsmummy · 22/03/2017 10:21

As I said, we haven't spoken to MIL about this at all, we were just having a random late-night chat about stuff and DH said that's what he would like to happen, and was annoyed that I didn't feel the same way!

I honestly have no idea what MIL would like to do eventually, she doesn't like to admit that she's getting older anyway, she tells people she's 10 years younger than she is (nobody believes her).

At least DH knows how I feel now, so he can get his head around things before anything occurs with MIL, (hopefully in the very distant future).

OP posts:
fishonabicycle · 22/03/2017 10:33

My dad went into a home last year with dementia - there is money i could have physically looked after him. He.was home with my mum during the onset and it made her totally hysterical - she couldn't cope at all. It was the incontinence that was the main issue.

deadringer · 22/03/2017 11:05

You are not being selfish, he is. My mil is a lovely woman but i will never be her carer, i would have neither the skills nor the inclination.

BToperator · 22/03/2017 11:23

Factory, I don't see how you can, there are just too many variables. There is no way of knowing if she will even need care, or what sort, for how long etc.

Factorysettings · 22/03/2017 11:29

I think you could make clear that you don't see that your caring role should extend to becoming his mother's carer.

It might require a rehash of priorities. Her dh could look to reduce his hours and responsibilities over the coming years to step up to care for his mother if it is crucially important to him. The op may decide that she will start working again to make up for the drop in income.

Or any number of reformulations but I think they should lay down a few of their boundaries and priorities in advance.

MiddleClassProblem · 22/03/2017 11:37

YADNU

I would put it to him how he would feel if he had to look after your DF or similar. Assisting with bathing and the like. My DH suggested what yours did and I just laid that out. However I would be open to her living in a granny annexe if we were in a property that would have room for this and she have a nurse/cater visit if needed. Reason for annexe rather than in our house is she's a chain smoker and persistently does it indoors no matter the rules.

Dozer · 22/03/2017 11:42

Best that DH discusses these issues with you, and then MIL, soon (given her age), not if the time comes that she needs care.

He is BU to be angry with you. In the UK it's a huge thing to ask of a partner, especially if part of that would be to provide the care. Your DCs' interests at different ages also need to be considered. Not at all U to say no.

honeyroar · 22/03/2017 11:48

Dementia takes things to another level, and my MIL is in a lovely home because of it, and was really hard work in the run up to that. But other than that I hope to be able to care for my parents when they're elderly in the way of cooking meals for them, taking them out and doing shopping etc. as much as possible. They've done a lot for me over the years..

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 22/03/2017 11:51

I'm sure he would like it to happen but he's not going to be doing any of the bloody caring is he!

OhTheRoses · 22/03/2017 11:52

Well DH and I are mid to late 50s. I'm an only child, he effectively is because his sisters live abroad. We have always known we will be responsible for our mothers. If and when the time comes our house (we bought it with future care in mind) has a part that could be converted to a self-contained annexe. We accept it may be necessary to purchase nursing/home care at some stage. What we couldn't do is manage that care from 200/100 miles away. If necessary vis dementia a nursing home will be required - it proved impossible to care for my own gran a home during her final five years - v advanced alzheimers.

My gran cared for her mother,my mother for hers. It's what I believe families should do as far as they can.

FinallyHere · 22/03/2017 13:29

Surely he means that he wants to care for her?

Surely no one would consider you selfish, saying no to becoming a possibly full time carer while his life at work continues uninterrupted. Surely....

limberlost · 22/03/2017 13:56

What about when you are almost at retirement age, as we are, and your MIL at 87 tels you she doesn't fancy the idea of a care home and doesn't want carersin as she has heeard of "things happening".

Then, when you say that after many years caring for 5 children you could not do it' your D H tells you that you are not kind.

user14883458756 · 22/03/2017 14:09

Why are you assuming your MIL would want to come and have you deign to look after her? Chances are she'd rather swim in nuclear waste. But then you haven't even bothered to ask her have you? Oh well there's always the other option - "put her" in a home - what with her not being entitled to her own opinion or anything.

KinkyAfro · 22/03/2017 15:04

Read the thread user it was a hypothetical conversation

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 22/03/2017 16:06

"Or how about we separate the idea of being a SAHM from being responsible for every other thankless and wage-less job in the family that no one else wants to do." Pallisers - could not agree more. This 1000 times.

PollyBanana · 22/03/2017 16:09

The other point is by the time your MIL needs full time care, your DH could be retired.

FlyingElbows · 22/03/2017 16:20

I think lots of people have lovely romantic notions of granny coming to live in the annexe and absolutely zero experience of the reality of caring for someone who needs proper care. Ofcourse it would be lovely if granny (much like my own) was fully mentally capable and able to care for her own personal needs but when companionship and keeping an eye out becomes substitute nursing it becomes a whole other thing. You're not being unreasonable at all, op, because providing complete care for vulnerable elderly people is a job in itself and just as thankless and undervalued as being a sahm.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 22/03/2017 17:06

I would suggest your DH gives up his job and you go to work if he wants her to live with you that much. Rather than conveniently expecting you to be the carer.

There have been so many similar threads on here, husband wants his mother to live with them but what he actually means is just expecting the wife to do it.

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