To ask if you think there's a difference between being tired as a SAHM and tired as a WOHP?

[dampmorninginspring]

I don't work, although I do the odd day if it coincides with DHs time off, but it's generally about one day a month.

I was talking about possibly going back to work when youngest is in nursery (not for a couple of years) and DH was saying "you'll be tired." I pointed out jokingly I'm tired now and he said there was a big difference between being tired and staying at home and being tired and having to go out to work.

Is he right?

He's right, I think, in a way. I've had many a morning when mine were little when I felt tired and rotten - but I was able to slump around in my dressing gown with the DC in front of CBeebies for an hour while I necked back three pints of tea and felt human again. It would have been "worse" in that scenario to have had to get up, made presentable, get the train to work and "perform" in an office environment.

On the other hand.....my DH got to have lunch every day. On a plate. And read the paper on the train. And go to the loo on his own. And engage in adult conversation with people who listened to what he had to say. And could take themselves to the loo and get their own lunch. So, while he was at work and "busy", he didn't have to engage with a lot of the mindless, but energy sapping, business of looking after a small child.

Mine are older now, but I was attempting to buy two sets of tickets (for a trip and an outing for them, I add) on the internet last night when I got home from school with them. If I'd been in my old office, it'd have taken 10 minutes to do the research and the booking and I wouldn't have given it a second's thought. Last night? Took an hour and three quarters because of constant "Muuummmy, can we have a drink/a snack/show you something/have some paper....." (and the older one constantly fiddling on the computer every time I left the room to get one of said requests). Felt bloody drained after that.

This is turning into a bit of a rant - I suppose I think it's different and not readily comparable!

I think you feel tired from being a WOHP and you feel more bored tired from being a SAHP. Being at home you can lounge around more and don't have the same deadlines to being up, dressed and ready for work etc.

I think your DH is right.

i think it's definitely different - if tired at work is better or worse than tired at home depends on you, your job and your children. A long commute, stressful job but easygoing children would probably make being at home easier, a short commute and a normal job would probably bevzhe same ( my opinion!)

Quite telling that he thinks that the only impact will be on you.......you might even think that he is expecting you to do everything you do now and have a job, while he does nothing more than he does now, wouldnt you?

I suggest that you have a conversation about expectations on both sides now, rather than when you have gone back to work and he isnt pulling his weight.

If you work outside the home you are doing two jobs.
You still have to do all the mum and home stuff after work.
If you are SAHM you have your one job.

I have never understood why people think its easier going out to work. Unless they have nannies and cleaners or a stay at home partner.

Looking after young children can be hard work. I don't think SAHP are lazy.

I have done full time, part time and SAHP. Part time is the best IME.

Full time nearly killed me. I don't know how you do it. Well done.
I liked SAHP but couldn't afford it long term. I honestly didn't find it exhausting.

Does anyone else translate this as "oh shit - I might have to do more to help out, lets persuade her out of this"

I've done both, SAH from DS2 was 8 months until P1. (Single parent to 3 kids) Been back at work FT. I'm a teacher of children with very severe, life limiting conditions, so work is physically hard as well as mentally. I was less tired and had a better social life when I SAH, but I am better in myself and more fulfilled when working.

I think you could be right RB68 I've been a SAHM for 9 years and for 8 of those DH moaned at me for not working and how much of a responsibility it was for him and how I had it easy, bla bla bla. So last year I announced I was going back to work. I updated my CV, started networking, contacted head-hunters, the full works. I also had a chat with DH along the lines of 'Right, now that I'm finally doing what you wanted and going back to work I need you to step up more at home, because if I'm working too then we need to share the chores, childcare, etc'. He soon changed his tune to 'Isn't there something you'd like to study? Are you SURE you want to go back? It's REALLY tiring working, you know'.

As for the OP - how long is a piece of string? It totally depends on your DC (do they sleep through the night? Do they have any additional needs? Are they relatively 'easy' DC to manage? Do they nap?), and the job you'd be going back to (Will it be high stress? Long hours? Lots of responsibility? Evening working when you get home? etc).

I've never juggled a stressful job and parenting, but I've done both individually and I couldn't imagine trying to combine the two. I have serious amounts of respect for those that do and manage to do a good job of both.

I finding being at home much more tiring! My job is challenging and enjoyable, so even on very little sleep I sort of just click into it and push through the tiredness.

At home, much as I enjoy my children, I do find that by 4.30 I'm shattered and counting down to bedtime!

So I suppose I agree with your DH that it's a different sort of tired, but not that you'll necessarily be more tired!

I have never understood why people think its easier going out to work. Unless they have nannies and cleaners or a stay at home partner

I'm surprised how this thread has gone. Similar ones usually come to the consensus that SAHM is much harder as it's 24/7 and people are usually comparing with a low stress office job with little in the way of deadlines or pressure which I'm sure is quite rare anyway.

The big difference is that if you SAH and feel tired due to broken sleep etc, you can have a lazy day and as long as the basics are done, everyone's happy whereas if you go out to work, you have to perform, meet deadlines etc, whether it's a physical job or an office job.

If the OP starts to work more hours, obviously the DH will have to step up and do his share of parenting and housework etc too.

Depends on the job. I have a mentally tiring and stressful job and it can be exhausting. However not getting that mental stimulation is also quite tiring. I think it's comparing apples with pears

That completely depends on your set up and how many kids you have and how you live your life. Staying in my pyjamas and not facing the world isn't something I could do. I have three children. Baby up at 5.30am. I have to do school runs for the older two so need to be out the house for 8. Turning up to school in a dressing gown or no make-up isn't an option because if I didn't then spend the day taking my baby out to socialise (baby group, park or whatever) she gets really agitated and clingy, making it impossible to get on with all the things I have to do before the rest of the family get home. I have e-mails to reply to, calls to make, bills to pay, banking to do, shopping, cooking getting after school club stuff ready and all the housework on top. With a family of 5 I can't leave any of this to the evening as the house would be a tip and I wouldn't have time to do their homework, baths, school club runs, lunchboxes etc before I collapse with exhaustion. I have to face the world every day regardless of how crap I feel. As the husband leaves for work at 4am I do all the night waking which at the moment which can be 5-6 times. I study at the weekends and do a day's placement for a career change. I can't wait. Literally counting down the days I can go back full time. I absolutely hate my life. I love my children but I miss working full time and have never, ever been more exhausted in my life than I am now. I put the kids to bed at 8 and I am asleep on the sofa by ten past.

I was 100% less tired, less stressed and happier at full time work.

I went back full time at 4 months to a very demanding job. I find it far easier to cope at work after a sleepless night that at home. Having kids is tiring full stop, don't think one is better or worse than the other, you adapt and cope with whatever you have to.

I work 3 days a week & my youngest is home with me the other 2 days. I love going to work; i really enjoy my job & i really like my colleagues, so I'm lucky in that respect.
I found being at home everyday exhausting; monotonous, undefined, unpaid, unending...
My dcs would prefer me to be home everyday, but i can see that they respect my job & think it's important (they ask me about it quite a lot).
I think it's really beneficial for primary carers in a family to WOH.

I think it depends on what you do at work and also how you feel as a parent.

Nothing, anywhere can ever beat the tiredness that comes with day upon week upon month of broken snatches of sleep while looking after a completely dependent human being. I believe that's true whether it's a newborn baby with colic or an older person who has high-dependency special needs. That is when you're forced into survival mode and it's absolutely soul-destroying.

However, caring for an older child or children is different. It might be mind-numbingly boring or you might love it. I'm the former and I do get tired on my day at home, generally because I have to be engaged with a small child every waking minute.

At work I'm in a management role sat in an office. It isn't physically demanding but the mental concentration and problem-solving acrobatics required are really draining. Last night I put the kids to bed and went straight to bed myself because I was so tired. And it was only Monday!

I think it's really beneficial for primary carers in a family to WOH.

Here we go.....

That really isn't the logical conclusion of your argument either, Banana, which would be that you find it beneficial for you to go out to work. Which is great....but doesn't mean it applies broadly.

When I was tired and at home with my twins I could stroll to the park in casual clothes with no deadlines. Although twins were hard work and I was perma exhausted I did not have to commute or be polite to colleagues. or work over...

I found being tired and working harder. There's the commute (on little sleep) the being fresh for your job and meetings, the looking smart, long day and commute home along with pickups and drop offs. The work crises, the calls from school, trying to fit in a school inspire morning etc Then coming home to tidy etc. Exhausting. That said I like the money and freedom. I like keeping my career.

I always envied DH who went to work with no pickups and came back to dinner and tidyish home. It still remains a bugbear now our DTs are 10. I work 32 hrs he 37 yet when I returned to work when DTs 9 months I still had to juggle both roles. I did long days and was very lucky grandparents came to sit the boys (but then had to get up extra early to tidy up for them prep bottles etc). Those baby days at work were some of the longest most exhausting days. I would get home at 7pm play with boys and do it all again. It was gruelling.

In some ways though I find school years harder with all the events, pickup times stc than when tge grandparents came to sit the boys.

It depends on the job and child. With some children you can't have a lazy day in front of the TV and the child is hyper, screamy and has challenging behaviour all day. it is easier to be working as long as the job isn't stressful.

Ok, i think i can be really beneficial. It wasn't really an argument as such.
In all honesty, i feel that SAHPs should be paid (or receive an allowance)by the state. I think it would go a long way towards increasing the respect afforded to SAHPs. We are a long way from being grown up enough as a country for this to happen though.

It depends on
Your age/fitness
The children's ages or needs
The type of job you do
The amount of help you can pay for/outsource
The amount of support you get off family
The amount of 'co-parenting' going on

Nice idea banana but they can't even pay carers an appropriate allowance

I've done both

IMO working is a lot easier than staying at home. I had/have 3 under 5 and have been SAHM and WOHM in equal measure, and it's nicer going to work.

I'm in an office by the way so not manual

TheFirstMrsDV Tue 21-Mar-17 08:38:21
"If you work outside the home you are doing two jobs.
You still have to do all the mum and home stuff after work."

No, you don't. When I worked, I managed to get away with doing an absolute minimum of crafts and messy play. because I knew the CM was seeing to that. A house that is not being lived in and played in for a child's whole waking hours needs far less cleaning.

I must be quite odd but I never found a pyjama day left me as rested and refreshed as a lively discussion with colleagues or even (bliss!) 4 days at a conference.

I used to love being with dc; I enjoyed the physical aspects of caring for them, I enjoy imaginative play and reading aloud and walks in the park. But to feel rested I need adult work.

I've just increased working hours from 2 days back to full time and I am definitely more tired. But it's a different kind of tired. At least when you're at home you can stay in bed or have a slightly lazier morning rather than rushing about getting ready for nursery/work and then commuting. Waking up to an alarm and knowing you absolutely get up everyday sucks.

I enjoy being at work but my home life is completely chaotic now. Sorting dinner in the evenings, doing chores etc. Need to work on some better systems so we aren't spending all the extra £ on takeaway!

I do also miss my son, which is not something I really thought I'd say. He was a lot of hard work but now that he is almost 3 things are starting to settle and he is a lot more fun to be around and I'm a bit envious that others get to benefit from that now.

It is definitely harder on both parents as you both need to adjust to the extra work required at home and coordination of pick up/drop offs.

But it's fairly rewarding as well and I know what I'm doing will benefit our futures.