To refuse this lunch invitation after all?

[Shodan]

I've been going round and round and can't decide, so thought I'd turn to MN for some unbiased opinions...

I have had no contact with my mother for three years. I won't bore you with the details, but this decision followed decades of insults, being hit, being treated like a skivvy and worst of all, being 'forced' to listen to her trying to make excuses for the brother who sexually abused me when I was young.

This year my eldest son turned 21. He knows why I don't speak to my mother (indeed, 4 out of her six children don't speak to her) but wanted to invite her to his family party. He told me it was totally up to me, that he would understand if I felt I couldn't etc. But- well, it was PFB, I thought 'How bad can it be?' etc. So I invited her.

It was pretty rough, tbh. She made much of one of my brothers (whilst also telling everyone there, including him, how very fat he has got), spoke to another- and virtually ignored me. Fine, that was fine by me.

I was then told that she was going round everyone in the party claiming not to know that I had separated from my XH. She did know, she sent me a text at the time. (In addition to the above reasons for stopping contact, she has a history of making everything about her, so this was no surprise to me). She then said to me that we would talk "when we both feel ready. Obviously she was now going to act the martyr, the poor unloved mother who was kept out of the loop.

Anyway. Last week she sent me a text inviting me to lunch at a local restaurant, before the Easter holidays. After some thought I replied that I couldn't as I was grading on Mothers' Day and training a lot before that, but perhaps during summer term. (For clarification- I do karate. I have done for 14 years, this is my 3rd dan black belt grading. She has been to at least one of my gradings).

She replied with "Good luck with your grading. Whatever it is. love Mum.'

Now I don't want to go at all- in all fairness, I didn't really want to go before, but now I feel that if she's going to be that petty, I have no interest in going.

But- maybe I'm being harsh? The 'whatever it is' part of the text sounded, to me, like she was pretending not to know what it was I was going to be doing and how important it is to me. She always oh-so-hilariously called it jiu-jitsu, because she disapproves of karate and it was her way of ridiculing it.

Was I wrong? AIBU to refuse to go?

(sorry for lengthy epistle and thank you if you slogged through to the end)

The fear we feel is that fear we had as a child, that's why it feels so huge!

Devastated. Interesting, I think you're 100% right about the dynamics at play there! Really powerful

OP: Your post really resonates with me. I am currently no contact with my mother and I've come to the conclusion she is narcissistic. She will go around family members pretending she hasn't been told or doesn't know something when in fact she does, just like your mother. Classic attention seeking. I am the scapegoat in my family. Only recently have I come to realise the ramifications of this and it has been very painful to come to terms with. Also accepting that my mother had never had my best interests at heart. Even when I was very young. Be kind to yourself OP. Going no contact might be the most protective thing you can do for yourself. These narcissists will never change as they totally lack the insight and the power to be reflective.

The silly thing about telling everyone at the party that she had no idea H and I were separated was that everyone there knew that she'd been told! If anything I was almost embarrassed for her. If I hadn't had a few drinks it would've been worse, because my XH and his family were also there (Lordy the things we do for our children! ) and my XMIL was one of the ones who came to tell me what she was doing.

However they all know her well and took plenty of no notice.

Those of you who have a mother similar- do/did you also find that no matter what happened to you, they always had to counter with some event of their own? As an example- when I eventually told her what my brother did (and I was 25 when I told her)- her response was to tell me about how an uncle of hers had exposed himself to her when she was young, and her father had given him 'what for'. So again, a double whammy- she had also suffered 'sexual abuse' AND she had a parent who was prepared to stand up for her.

Babymamamama- scapegoat. Yes, I also felt that. I always wondered if I had it worse because a) I was a girl (she feels men are superior I think) and b) I look more like my father than my sister does.