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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that not having friends should be encouraged

55 replies

11122aa · 20/03/2017 10:38

As I find that nearly everyone in my family has had trouble with their friends shouldn't us humans focus more on indiuvdal lives rather than friendship. I really don't see what people get out of friendship.

OP posts:

toffee1000 · 20/03/2017 10:40

Humans are social creatures though. Not everyone has problems like you do. My grandma was let down by one friend and therefore decided to never make a single friend again. Writing off the whole of humanity based on just your experiences is a bit daft.
YABU

JonesyAndTheSalad · 20/03/2017 10:43

We need people unfortunately OP.

kissmethere · 20/03/2017 10:43

Yabu. Encouraged not to have friends. Everyone is different and troubles with friends so happen.
Decisiunkt to have friends as an upset could possibly happen is ridiculous.

kissmethere · 20/03/2017 10:44

Deciding even...

Original poster

11122aa · 20/03/2017 10:45

Every time I talk to other people I always get myself down. If I could live in soulltary confinement without physically having to see other people I'd be much much more stable and happy.

OP posts:

ArchNotImpudent · 20/03/2017 10:46

I don't think it should be either encouraged or discouraged. Some people enjoy having lots of friends; some only a few; some function best with none at all. It's something people need to make their own choice about, and others need to accept their choice.

I agree that people who don't want many/any friends shouldn't be chivvied by others to 'be more sociable' if that's what your post is getting at.

toffee1000 · 20/03/2017 10:47

That sounds more like a confidence/self esteem issue than really abandoning friendship entirely. I find it hard to talk to people and make friends too OP. However if i lived in solitary confinement I'd go mad.

treaclesoda · 20/03/2017 10:47

And yet loads of people build good relationships with other people and never have friend dramas. Seems a shame that people should be encouraged to forego something that brings them joy just because some people have had bad experiences.

You could apply the same logic to relationships. Some people have terrible relationships with their husband/partner/wife but it doesn't stop people wanting to 'settle down'.

Falafelings · 20/03/2017 10:48

They obviously have difficult friends. Maybe choose less difficult ones.

PJBanana · 20/03/2017 10:50

I think instead of having friends being discouraged, we should instead be encouraging people to find out what a real friend is, and that quality is more important than quantity.

I feel that I could happily get by without friends if I ever needed to, but I have 2 very close friends who I have known since school and I would hate to be without them. I've never been one for having big groups of friends and have sometimes been made to feel like a 'loser' because of it.

On the other hand I know people who have loads of friends (think 15-20+) but I don't think they have any 'true friends'.

gleam · 20/03/2017 10:50

I think not having friends should be seen as an equal choice, perhaps. There's surely no virtue in having lots of friends!

BackforGood · 20/03/2017 10:50

YABU. Humans are naturally social creatures. We live as part of families. We work alongside colleagues, we are programmed to socialise with others.

Most of us get SO much out of friendships - support, laughter, someone to share the good times with, someone to help out in emergencies, or just when we are down, someone to go out with, to stay in with, to just chat to, to offer a second opinion about big decisions, about worries, to be the first to tell when there is good news to share,
It is sad you haven't seen that. Have you really never had a friend throughout your life ?

Original poster

11122aa · 20/03/2017 10:52

I've had brief friendships but my parrents didn't want me to get to close as it only make me more damaged when it failed.

OP posts:

Birdsgottaf1y · 20/03/2017 10:54

I think that we should teach how to manage all types of relationships and to cut out toxic etc people earlier.

I'm now happily single and I've lost my friendship group and aren't bothered by replacing it, this is seen by many as strange. As time moves on I hope that the attitude to being alone and doing things solo, changes.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/03/2017 10:54

Yabvu I am afraid, its a very sad lonely life, without anybody to share it with. Just because you have been burned, does not mean everybody else will. I have a few friends, but they are fantastic and always there.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/03/2017 10:55

If living a solitary life is fine for you, go for it, but its not for everybody.

geordiedench · 20/03/2017 10:57

People have trouble with their friends - which they speak about, and loads of joy and support with their friends, which they don't. Most things worth having aren't easy 100% of the time. Good friendships are worth the occasional hurdle.

OdinsLoveChild · 20/03/2017 10:59

Friends are overrated. However encouraging people to not have friends isn't the answer.
Teaching people to be completely independent and not rely on anyone else to help them out is a valuable lesson lots of people really need to learn.

I don't have friends. I hate the expectation that I will help them out or do favours for them. I also hate that 'friends' expect me to hold the same opinions and values as them. I want to do what I want the way I want and without judgement or confirmation from 'friends'.

I know a lot of people who cant seem to cope in life without the opinion of another person. That's a dreadful situation to be in.

I always find it amusing when people say they are picking xx school for their child because that's where their friends are going. Those friends didn't bother to pick the school based on where your child was going to so why are you doing that? People need more confidence to do whats best for them, when they want to, and how they want to and not require a friend to approve this for them.

Flowersinthe · 20/03/2017 11:01

I don't have any friends that live near me, they all live on the other side of the world, I moved here years ago but my friends stayed in another country, and just never really made any friends here and I find it utterly miserable and miss having friends to do things with. So I don't agree I think friends can be really important for lots of people, especially mental health wise, I just can't make any!

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 20/03/2017 11:03

I'd hate to have a partner & kids, I'd find it suffocating. But I do have half a dozen very close friends & we would, & have, dropped everything for each other.

TheInterruptingSheep · 20/03/2017 11:04

I understand where you are coming from, but I don't have any friends, not through choice, and it's a horrible, lonely feeling as far as I'm concerned.

brasty · 20/03/2017 11:09

Friends can be very important and make your life much happier.

It would just make as much sense to say we should discourage people from having partners or children, because partners and children cause so many problems.

shovetheholly · 20/03/2017 11:10

I understand what you mean about finding social interactions draining and difficult, but honestly, solitary confinement is used as a form of torture for a reason! Anyone who has actually spent lengthy periods on their own (and I mean in absolute isolation) will tell you how much it can screw not just with your emotions but your very perception of reality. We need a social mesh to anchor us, though navigating it can be painful at times.

tigerrun · 20/03/2017 11:14

I just wrote this and then had a look at the thread to see where it is going and want to preface it by saying I am not judging in any way people who don't have or want friends - but OP you said in your original post that you didn't 'see what people get out of friendship' and I wanted to give you a different perspective as someone who does get a lot out of friendship.

Also I think it is very sad if the reason that you hold the beliefs you do is because your parents told you that they didn't 'want me to get to close as it only make me more damaged when it failed' - that is presumably them projecting on to you & it is utter bollocks. If you are entering into friendships presuming they will fail then they probably will. Some counselling might help you change your view on that as it sounds like such a negative outlook and there is no need for it.

So this is (an entirely personal view) on what I 'get' out of friendship:

I adore my friends - have lots of wonderful people in my life that make me happy and without them the world would be a smaller and less colourful place, plus I would laugh a lot less!

I've never in my life 'had trouble' with a real friend. My friends have supported me, made me feel comfortable in myself and accepted me for who I am (therefore I have accepted and am happy in myself) I've been on big and small adventures with them, travelled with them, partied - a lot, they have made me cry with laughter and see the positives in life when things are hard, given me perspective, talked and talked about everything happy and sad. I enjoy my one-to-one friends (some of whom are exclusively that, don't like groups) and also big group friends. Everyone is different and that is lovely, the diversity of personalities makes the world a more interesting place.

When I have spent time with my friends I feel happy, like heart bursting happy - especially after a brilliant weekend with music and wine and surrounded by people I love I feel like I can face almost anything. If anything it makes me better at being independent as I feel strong in myself, in my choices and decisions and opinions.

Perhaps it is down to whether you have found your people yet & if you haven't then keep looking, it is worthwhile. Meanwhile, you sound unhappy and influenced negatively by your parents - there are lots of resources available to get help if you want to change that situation.

AndInShortIWasAfraid · 20/03/2017 11:19

I've had a very bad weekend so I'm inclined to agree with you OP.

My friend asked me to drive the 143 miles to her birthday dinner on Friday. I was more than happy to go and asked if I could stay over as it was so far, she said yes.

Because her dinner was on Friday night I had to arrive at work early so I could leave earlier, I drove four hours and made it on time. We had dinner and another friend then asks when I'm leaving as she would like to see me on Sunday. I assume she means the time so I ask the birthday girl when would be best for me to leave and she says Saturday evening as she has work to do on Sunday. I couldn't believe it. I drove had to 286 miles round trip for a 22 hour stay.

I had a miscarriage in February and went to my parents for two weeks. A friend invited me over and said that we would get a takeaway and just chat, as I was feeling pretty rubbish. The day before I arrive she calls and asks if I can help her with her personal statement for a masters. So while she ordered pizza I sat and rewrote her personal statement. For three hours.

I'm tired of trying to maintain friendships with people who really don't care about me. I think it's safer and cheaper for me to just be alone.

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