To think that not having friends should be encouraged

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As I find that nearly everyone in my family has had trouble with their friends shouldn't us humans focus more on indiuvdal lives rather than friendship. I really don't see what people get out of friendship.

I can understand your attitude to a certain extent as I am by nature a bit of a hermit myself BUT the world would be a very cheerless place without friends.
The age old advice of finding a hobby and sharing it with like-minded people still holds good.

When my dear late husband had a terminal illness what helped us to cope most of all was people - the right people.

I can see both sides of this, I don't have any friends and am happily independent but on the other hand sometimes I miss adult company

One thing that does bother me though is the media portraying loners as a bad thing all the time as if those kinds of people are always isolated social outcasts and couldn't make friends even if they wanted to, which in most cases is rubbish

My friends are like gold. They enhance my life in so many ways. How sad not to have any friends, or have such bad ones that you're better off without them.

Andinshort - that sounds rubbish!

I think the question I have, though, is WHY did you sit and write the statement? Sometimes I think people who are givers invite people who are takers. It's like the takers can smell the giving like a shark can smell blood, and they home in. If you want to attract people who won't bleed you dry, you need BOUNDARIES! (I say this as someone who took decades to learn this lesson!)

I don't know, I don't really have friends but it's made me incredibly reliant on my DP. He is far more sociable than me and enjoys going out, so I spend a lot of evenings on my own.

I still prefer this to going out though, so I guess it depends on your personality.

I don't think people should be encouraged in either way. But people should be encouraged to accept that their way of doing things isn't the only way of doing things. Having no friends doesn't bother me. People telling me how I should feel, that I MUST be unhappy and lonely because my situation is so super duper tragic, does.

OP are you the student with the overly controlling parents? If so I hope you've been able to start taking some of the advice you've received on previous threads. I don't think your view of social relationships is 100% rational at the moment although it's unsurprising you feel like this given the example you've had so far.

I don't think I could survive without my closest friends. Probably not the healthiest statement I've ever made, but true.

Ah PageNowFoundFileUnderSpartacus, you are spot on, could be the nightclub student, very familiar writing style. Is that you OP?

I spend a lot of time with senior citizens and they all say the same thing. Thank god for friends.
Family can pass away or move away, and it is so good having a support network. People who have strong social connections are more likely to live a longer healthier life too.
I am really sorry you have struggled to make friends, and I hope that changes for you.
I love my family infinitely, but I'd never be without my friends too.

YAB 'a bit' U, but I can understand where you're coming from.

I have had some good, valuable friendships over the years, and some awful ones. A few have lost touch with me, (ghosted me,) and I have lost touch with a few too - (ghosted them.) Some friendships just burn out, and some can be hard to shake off, some can be invaluable, and some can be a pain.

I am having some issues at the moment with a woman who I met 3 years ago or thereabouts, who lives 10 minutes walk from me, and gets on my tits most of the time. I thought she was OK to begin with, but soon discovered she is not a nice person. She tries to make out she is, by saying to people 'oooh let me know if there's anything I can do,' and offering to do duties in the Church, but bails almost every time on anything she promises.

In addition, she makes catty comments about people, and has made snide comments to me and my DH (and her partner has made rude comments too, a number of times,) and they both only bother with us when they want something. But this past couple of months, I have started to avoid her, (rushing off with 'I'm terribly busy, I need to be somewhere' type comments, and not returning her texts a few times,) and she has gone into meltdown! She has got THREE different people to contact me (phone, text, AND a fucking visit,) in the past 2 weeks, to 'see if I'm OK!' I am of course, and am very chatty and bubbly, when speaking to anyone else, and the people report back to her that I am!

A month to 6 weeks could go by without a flicker from her; no text, no call, no contact, nothing, not even replying to MY texts, always turning up half an hour late for meetings at the pub, on the occasions we arranged to meet, (and her partner not being arsed to come at all sometimes.) But now I am/we are behaving the same with them, she is having a meltdown.

I have actually said to myself recently, that if we move house, I am never making friends again, but I have several other friends where I live, (who I see once or twice a month or so for a coffee,) who are quite pleasant; good company, intelligent, and interesting to talk to; so I refuse to let this one woman ruin my life.

I do agree with much of this post by Odin'slovechild; (below in italics...) not all, but most. I don't want people in my life who expect constant favours and lifts and who want to borrow stuff/money etc. I have had too much experience of people using me over the years, and now, although I like to have a few friends, I no longer want very close ones. Just ones I see maybe twice monthly for a coffee. I have enough responsibilities in my life (family/part-time job/kids etc,) without some so-called friend badgering me for a lift to hospital, or to the other side of the country, or to lend them £100 or something. Similarly though, I will never expect anything from any friend. So I think I am being reasonable.

Here is Odin's post...

Friends are overrated. However encouraging people to not have friends isn't the answer. Teaching people to be completely independent and not rely on anyone else to help them out is a valuable lesson lots of people really need to learn. I don't have friends. I hate the expectation that I will help them out or do favours for them. I also hate that 'friends' expect me to hold the same opinions and values as them. I want to do what I want the way I want and without judgement or confirmation from 'friends'. I know a lot of people who cant seem to cope in life without the opinion of another person. That's a dreadful situation to be in.

I remember your previous threads OP. You are still only young and in a less than ideal situation - you don't have to decide to have or not have friends at this point

Why do you feel down when you talk to people op? Are you comparing yourself unfavourably?

And what do you mean your parents encouraged you not to, as it would damage you more?

Humans are by nature pack animals, and healthy relationships bring huge benefits to us, be they friends, partners or children. Yes sometimes they can go wrong, but as the saying going it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. However true friendship is seldom something you lose.

I don't know if I agree that not having friends should be actively encouraged, but I do think it's something that there is a weird silence about in the public narrative.

I never see discussions on how exactly one makes friends, or what it means to have and be friends. We just talk quite breezily about friends and friendships as if they just happen and don't need thinking about.

It seemed easier when I was about six and I'd just go up to someone in the playground and say 'Do you want to be my friend?' and then you were. I sometimes wish I could say that as an adult.

Friends is so difficult isn't it - it seems to be far more shallow these days than it ever used to be. I look for "like minds" . What do I mean - same morals and mores I suppose but it is more than that - I don't expect anyone to agree with me all the time I value debate and discussion - without name calling and ranting - I value support in terms of my choices and helping me see when I mis-step without regailing me with the error of my ways, I value people taking time to see the real me and see beyond the surface of my skin and face and figure, I value humour and shared humour I value the ability to take a bit of mickey taking meant in a friendly harmless way rather than nasty or self promoting way, I have found them in suprising ways. I am drawn to people who I am learning re troubled in some way and I want to help - sometimes they take too much and I pull back, some find this hard, but like when you have children learning to find their way int he world some adults haven't had that support around their own decision making, or even been able to discuss that with others. I learn my own limits and weaknesses, I understand others and accept it as part of them and know what and how far I can take them in my needs and what they need from me. Its complex. The complexity makes life worth living and you have to accept that often its as much about receiving as giving and sometimes to get support for yourself you have to give when you don't want to or find it difficult - that for me is true friendship.

I don't think discouraged is right. But I do think that we should accept that people are different and not be so quick to assume that the right way of doing things is to be a sociable person and have lots of friends.

Some people are solitary and that's fine. Some people are social and that's fine too. You're going to get a flaming for saying this, but it's far more frequent to have posts on here judging people because they don't have enough friends or not enough of the right type.

My friends are a million times better then family.

Also the extrovert/introvert thing. Someone said upthread something about being uplifted by a busy weekend with friends.
All I thought was 'how exhausting!'

My friends are a million times better than family.

I can't be alone in finding this a desperately sad statement.

Also the extrovert/introvert thing. Someone said up-thread something about being uplifted by a busy weekend with friends. All I thought was 'how exhausting!'

This ^ It can be a nightmare being an introvert, with well-meaning friends/acquaintances trying to 'get you out of your shell.' Someone trying to force me to 'come out of my shell' will only result in me going further back into it.

I hate it when people try and get me to do stuff I don't want to do, and keep asking me, pestering me, and 'encouraging' me, to come out of my obviously miserable and lonely existence. It's tantamount to bullying really. Because you are not the same as them, and don't behave as they expect, they don't like it, and they try to change you. Not nice.

Being an introvert and being an extrovert are both, by definition, styles of being social. Neither assumes isolation from society - they are different ways of dealing with other people.

Even introverts begin to struggle quite badly when left in totally solitary confinement. While they may cope better than extroverts, it's absolutely not a walk in the park. Spending weeks in utter isolation, not seeing a soul, does very strange things to your head.

I know we all have our own paths and experiences and there is no right or wrong

All I can honestly say is, I love my friends. I chose them.

My family, are by large, assholes and most of them I could happily never see again and I do only speak to them out of duty

My friends build me up, my family tear me down

I do think friendships with no huge expectations are ideal. I have people I like a lot who I see regularly, but regularly might be once a year or in a group once every couple of months. I don't really have a BFF type relationship as that sounds a bit airless and stifling. Friendships can be gentle, undemanding and fun if that suits both people involved.

I hate it when people try and get me to do stuff I don't want to do, and keep asking me, pestering me, and 'encouraging' me, to come out of my obviously miserable and lonely existence. It's tantamount to bullying really. Because you are not the same as them, and don't behave as they expect, they don't like it, and they try to change you. Not nice. hmm

Exactly. It's just so judgemental. I have it at work at the moment about summer holidays and why I don't take one because I would enjoy it! Past experience tells me that no, I wouldn't but they know me better than I do obviously.

Sometimes I think the judgement is defensive. Somebody says that they don't like something that 'everybody' likes and some people see that as a criticism of their life or somebody thinking that they're special/better than everybody else.

I think not having friends is a perfectly valid choice. I've not bothered to make any new ones since moving to a different part of the country and it's fine, I'm not lonely at all.
I can see that others get a lot out of their friendships though, and have friends that they love and would do anything for. I don't really understand it and haven't felt it myself but of course it's perfectly valid too.
I just wish people wouldn't judge those who are very solitary.

Why is it sad? I'm very honoured to have wonderful long term friends. I just happen to have mediocre IL's/sisters. But don't lots of people. The former have been a strength through miscarriages, deaths, life changes.

I really like my own space and quiet time.