To speak to the teacher

[Cookingongas]

Dd (7) came home from school last Friday with a story. She always tells us everything about her day, and does embellish somewhat (told the teacher she's fallen off a cliff to break her ankle- believably enough that the teacher approached me to ask how this came pass?!?! - it was actually a flower pot she fell off)

She's told us that boy x and girl y in her class pulled down their underwear and touched their willy/fanny. She's promised not to tell. She's asked me if her friend will have a baby now. I've explained in age appropriate terms etc, but I want to approach the school and discuss this. Dh isn't sure because he doesn't want dd "interviewed" and made to feel uncomfortable (not to mention she's sworn is to silence)

Wwyd? Can the school do anything? Is it kids being kids or something to keep an eye on? Plus I'm suddenly very uncomfortable with the mixed gender toilets :(

So you think children knowing how sex works means they will assault other children porpoise???
My children knew how sex worked at 4. I can assure you they've never assaulted anyone, or shown their genitals to anyone at school.

OP, yes i think you need to make the teacher aware of what she said.

I think it's the way it's worded that makes it seem inappropriate for such a young child

Yes you need to tell the school.

I hate the word fanny for me it's just crass.

School drama- no not in those terms! Of course not in those terms, but yes she knows that mammies and daddies have a special cuddle that results in babies. My 10 year however knows much more of the anatomical facts. Either way I am not at fault for this!

Fanny is a swear word to me, a bit like dick or cock.

But porpoise, you seriously think that understanding the biology of human reproduction will lead to sexual assault?

I would wonder if that's the reason she's now coming home saying girls and boys have shown each other their parts and wondering now if they'll have a baby because of it!

I suspect it is. She hasn't been told about one night stands and blow jobs, but very simplistic birds and bees. Depending on the individual child, a 7 year old can be perfectly ready for this now. I'm a little surprised that anyone would teach their 4 year old though! Sexualisation of children vs education is an interesting question, especially when considering that every child is unique. Studies have shown that children who are more aware of sex from an earlier age are more likely to lose their virginity younger. Another recent study suggested the opposite.

@OP - you need to tell the teacher. If it's baseless then she'll waste a little time (but for a worthwhile reason). If it isn't then there are things which need to be addressed. This isn't a sign of anything terrible going on but it is something that teachers (and perhaps others, once the school's investigated) need to be aware of.

The school will know how to deal with this. Your daughter will probably be 'questioned' in a very friendly way.

my daughter knows exactly how babies are made, with the appropriate names and a look of sheer disgust on her face 'why mummy would you want to do that?'

it doesn't lead to sexual assault.

I have a memory of playing I'll show you mine, show me yours at the edge of the class room mat at age 5. I think it's all pretty standard curiousness isn't it?

How old is she? Why would you want to disgust your daughter?

No, 'show me yours and I'll show you mine' is not standard, especially when the OP's daughter said they were touching them together.

Just realised, that wasn't clear by the OP. Was it genital-genital contact? Touching the other child with their fingers or touching themselves?

You need to speak to the school. My DD was being 'flashed' by a girl in her class whenever they were alone.

School thanked me for letting them know and dealt with it straight away. It didn't happen again.

There was nothing sinister about it. Just a bit of showing off. But sometimes it can be a signal that a child is being exposed to inappropriate sexual behaviour at home.

Staff in schools are trained to look out for inappropriate behaviour as part of safeguarding. So you must tell school what has happened so they can deal with it appropriately.

emanresudilavni i didn;'t want to disgust her but she asked, she had seen me in labour with her brother and she is old enough at 7 to handle the science of it all. It is, afterall, just science.

My daughter has never played show me, probably because she sees her father and brother naked and so has no questions in that regard. I obviously did.

Or I was just a complete hussy.

I don't know if it was genital to gentility, touching or indeed a lie. Nor does my dd. She did not witness but was told about it. Either way I've told the school and they were pleased that I had. Thanks for all of your advice

I'm glad you told them. I think it's always better for it to be investigated - if it's not true, no harm done, if it is true, something can be done about it.

I had a similar situation last year (Y3 child saying they would dip their girlfriend's boobies in chocolate and eat them) and also decided to talk to the school because it made me wonder what kind of material the child in question was being exposed to to come up with such a descriptive sexual comment. As far as I know it was taken very seriously, I wasn't informed of the outcome but didn't expect to as my child wasn't involved.

do you really think children knowing about sex will lead to sexual assaults? Isn't it more likely children will understand more about sex at an earlier age but still know it is not for children.

No, not in most cases, but I do think age 4 or 5 is too young to understand penetrative sex. Kids mimic adults all the time - they play dress up, toy cookers, toy toolsets, being firemen, hair and makeup fun, being mummys and daddys and I think in some instances children playing at mummys and daddys may well try out the thing that mummys and daddys do which they have been described in detail to them at such a young age.

I think there are ways of letting them know these things that young, if they ask. But why would 5 year old ask about sex anyway?

I do not think every child who learns about the mechanics of it very young will commit sexual assault, thats not what I'm saying. But what I am saying is that some might try it out with their friends. There has been a significant rise in children of young ages (under 10) commiting sexual assault and I don't see that telling them how to actually have sex is a good thing to do at that age. Of course they are going to be more curious about it then, they are kids!

When my son was 4 he asked me where babies came from. I explained about mummies and daddies and seeds and so on. He looked at me in disgust and said, "Don't be silly its that doctor at the hospital." I looked puzzled so he said, "You know the one auntie a and auntie b went to see. After they saw him they were both having babies." He then added the clincher, "They wouldn't trust daddies to do that would they."

That put me in my place with my silly stories.

Sorry, back on track. I would speak to the Head. I was helping at school once, years ago, and some boys were talking about something that had happened to one of them, they were laughing but I didn't think an adult male sucking willies while away at camp was great. I didn't comment but handed it over to the school to sort out. I never heard if it was a silly story or a real disclosure but I at least felt if something was going on it would be found out.

Children ask because they are curious about the world. Because they see people having babies and are curious about how that happens.

So you say something like...mummy's body makes an egg. It meets a seed / spermatogenesis from daddy and grows into a baby.

Before long they ask how the seed gets inside mummy's tummy.

So you either tell a lie - confusing them.
or you say they are too young to know, making it taboo.
Or you tell the truth and they grow up with a biological fact the same as they know about their hearts, lungs and kidneys.

You are projecting adult understanding of sex and your own hang ups onto children.

Well, i can only speak for my own children, but mine saw me give birth to their sister and the oldest one who was 4 asked how she got there. So, I told her mammies have eggs, and daddies have sperm and they make a baby. She then wanted to know how that happened, so said that daddies sperms are in his willy and he uses that to put them in mammy's vagina. and she went 'oh' and that was it. its the same as how she asked me how food turns into poo, and how hair grows. kids ask shit.

Penis. Vagina. It's not hard to use the real names!

All these stupid pet names for body parts is telling your children they are shameful body part.

Penis. Vagina.
Say it until you feel comfortable. Don't pass on your hang ups.

If you're talking to me, I don't have any hangups. I don't give a hoot what you call it. I just think age 4 or 5 is too young to tell children about actually having sex. There are age appropriate ways of doing it, is all i'm saying. Children are curious and shouldn't surprise you that they might want to try this stuff out. There are age appropriate ways of telling them how a baby gets in there.

Mine learnt the actual mechanics of sex when they were about 9 or 10. They obviously knew the names of everything before that . But I wouldn't tell a four year old that the boy puts his penis in the girls vagina.

To me thats just odd. And totally different from explaining how the body works or how you create poo, or how hair grows, or what body parts are called!

There are things that you should can lie about to your young children. Did you crush the magic of Christmas by telling then Santa isn't real at this age too?

It's hard as DD is known for embellishing things.

Maybe tell the teacher, say you don't know if it happened, but in the case that it did, maybe a word needs to be had with the year group.

Sorry you're in this situation.

Penis. Vagina. It's not hard to use the real names!
All these stupid pet names for body parts is telling your children they are shameful body part.

No it isn't. They're euphemisms. We use them for many things. Sex, toileting, death... none of them are shameful and using a different name doesn't infer so.

When I hear people saying they should use anatomical names, I suspect they're the kind of people whose children address them by their first names. Would you tell a 4 year old who has just pooed (sorry, excreted) to "wipe your anal sphincter correctly?"

Did you crush the magic of Christmas by telling then Santa isn't real at this age too?

I was going to ask that too!

When I hear people saying they should use anatomical names, I suspect they're the kind of people whose children address them by their first names. Would you tell a 4 year old who has just pooed (sorry, excreted) to "wipe your anal sphincter correctly?"

Do you really think that? How odd.

If you say so.

How do you justify your notion that people who say fanny, bum, willy are ashamed?

Would you tell a 4 year old who has just pooed (sorry, excreted) to "wipe your anal sphincter correctly?"

That is part of the shame of our sexual and excretory organs.

I don't hear anyone saying, "oh Oscar, did you scuff your bendy leg joint?" when they graze their knee.

Why is that?

Giving children the correct names for their body is a positive step forward in child protection.

Funnily enough, I have never had to ask a 4 year old to wipe either their arse or their anal sphincter. Surely that is their responsibility by that age, no?

They are due to cover anatomy and growth this coming term across ks2 in pshce, if the school follows the usual sort of schemes. I teach it across ks2. It's very common at this age to be curious, hence in year 3 we cover the correct anatomical names, "doctor" names and nicknames, which parts of the body are private, who safer strangers are, differences and similarities between the sexes. It is about personal empowerment and keeping safe. Children enjoy learning about how they "work" and the more they know the less likely they are to be exploited. I am very straight faced and sensible and can handle most questions without silliness!

That said, there could be a back story so I'd mention it just in case one of the children already has a paper trail, and so that the school can emphasise the privacy and touching part of the pshce teaching. They could then link it to the topic and show they have responded to the issue.

the correct anatomical names, "doctor" names and nicknames

Thank you that is informative. My child know the nicknames, but in any conversation I give her the correct names too use primarily.

I may be projecting. But my child does call me mum/mummy and her father, dad/daddy. I don't really understand the link.