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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if this was the other way round it would be unacceptable

67 replies

user1489950986 · 19/03/2017 19:39

I am married to a British Indian man and have two dc (7,9) with him I have two dc (13dd 16ds) with my ex and he has two dc (15ds,16ds) with his partner who passed away.

My two oldest dc are white my dc who are with dh are mixed and my two step dc are British Asian. We are a multicultural household and we try an mix the cultures and cuisine as much as possible and my dc are half Italian anyway so they learn their culture from there dad. Despite all this dh has lived here all his life and is very much British.

However the other day sister in law has planned to take the dc to Alton towers with her husband and is taking two older dc and the younger dc in Easter. They didn't offer to take my dc. I asked why that was the case as did dh and SIL said my dc are a bad influence on her children and that she didn't feel comfortable to take them away for the weekend. Tbf my ds is not the best behaved but nothing that would be an issue over the weekend. Dd is perfectly behaved and I can't see why she would be a bad influence.

So I said to dh and he has said it isn't racial but she doesn't feel comfortable taking my dc.

Yes if this was a one off it would be okay to say that but dh parents did a trip to Mauritius and didn't want My dc there luckily their dad was taking them away that time anyway.

They act very different and will avoid my dc when they are at parties and family events.

Dh has said it isn't racial and they aren't excluding my dc they just don't see it as right to take them away. He says they are very traditional. They also say it is because my son has clashed with dh in the past and that this makes them feel as though they would rather avoid them.

Aibu to think it would clearly be called what it is which is racism if it were the other way round. I definitely think it is racial and even if it isn't it is very wrong.

OP posts:
Trills · 19/03/2017 19:43

Can you clarify which children your SIL is taking on the day out?

Your husband's 2?
The 2 you have jointly with your husband?
The 2 that are just yours?

If she is taking the ones that are related to her and not the ones that are not related to her that seems pretty unremarkable?

Original poster
user1489950986 · 19/03/2017 19:44

She is taking all that are related to dh and leaving out the dc that are not related.

OP posts:
Softkitty2 · 19/03/2017 19:49

I don't think its about race but I just don't think they see your dc as their family iyswim. Sad.

Trills · 19/03/2017 19:50

Yeah, that's not racist.

I'm sure many families that have step-relationships have similar situations arise.

Original poster
user1489950986 · 19/03/2017 19:50

No but why say my dd was a bad influence when she is in no way a bad influence.

OP posts:
PurpleMinionMummy · 19/03/2017 19:51

I think it's strange you've assumed it's a racial thing or that it's even been mentioned. If your ds isn't the best behaved that's probably why.

Ihavefriends · 19/03/2017 19:52

So, she's taking the kids that are related, but not the kids that aren't? Tricky, if you are a blended family, she obviously doesn't see the non-bio relatives as her relatives. Bit sad for her that she cannot see beyond genetic ties.

But I struggle to see how you've jumped to "is it because I is white?"

Trills · 19/03/2017 19:56

Bit sad for her that she cannot see beyond genetic ties

Some of the children she's known since they were born, some since they were older. Some of them call her aunty, the others may not (they probably don't call her brother "dad", if they have another father alive).

It's not surprising that, if she wants to do something and thinks 6 children may be too expensive or too much hassle, that;s where she draws the line.

harderandharder2breathe · 19/03/2017 19:58

If she took your well behaved DD but not your badly behaved DS that would be unfair too as DS would be the only one left out.

I don't think it's racist, i think it's common among step families

MrsTwix · 19/03/2017 19:59

Whatever the reason it's a rude and nasty thing to do. If it was me I'd be inclined to tell DH that if my children aren't invited, none of my children are going and take them all myself another time, but I know not everyone is able to be like that.

Is it religious rather that race? Do your older DC eat differently for example? I know it can be difficult in blended families but it's not a nice way for her to behave either way.

Patriciathestripper1 · 19/03/2017 20:03

If it bothers you that much, put a stop to any going away and make it an all or no one deal.
Tell them you are a family and come together or not at all.

Ihavefriends · 19/03/2017 20:04

On marriage, though, I'd expect all the children to be treated equally by extended family. I've known my 9 year old longer than the 3 year old, I've known my 8 year old niece longer than my 2 year old niece. I wouldn't go leaving kids behind based on length of time served being related to me!

If these kids live in one household, as one family, then its sad for all if the extended family treat the ones that share some of their DNA differently.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 19/03/2017 20:10

I can understand why it seems unfair but I don't think it's a race thing. As PP have said I don't think she sees them as her family. It would also be hard work taking that many children all at once

pictish · 19/03/2017 20:17

Agree with the others that this is surely about relations not race. She's not invested in your kids with your ex in the way she is with those related to her.
Why do you think it's about race?

CookieLady · 19/03/2017 20:21

This isn't about your older children's race. I'm afraid it comes down to not perceiving them as family.

GardenGeek · 19/03/2017 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamePomfrey · 19/03/2017 20:26

I agree it's not racial at all, from what you have said it's about blood/genetic ties they don't view your dc as part of the family. I think the bad influence comment was possibly your dh trying to (badly) spare your feelings! Its not nice for your kids I agree, I think you can try say all or none although she'd be brave to take 6 dc plus her own but I don't see any other way around it.

SanitysSake · 19/03/2017 20:28

This isn't about your older children's race. I'm afraid it comes down to not perceiving them as family.

This... Sadly.

Holland00 · 19/03/2017 20:29

Absolutely not racist, just your DC's aren't included as family by those family members.
My Asian H family have always included my oldest DS along with our DS together.

Witchend · 19/03/2017 20:30

Tbf my ds is not the best behaved but nothing that would be an issue over the weekend

If you can't guarantee his good behaviour then how can you say it wouldn't be an issue over the weekend? Even low level backchat can change a lovely weekend into an unpleasant one.
And if they've seen bad behaviour they naturally will be reluctant to potentially end up in that situation.

Not racist at all. Don't your other dc do days out with your ex that the other 4 don't get to go on?

Use the time to focus on the ones left.

My dc get invited to things, sometimes one, sometimes two and sometimes all three. They quite like it, even when they're not invited as they get extra time with me and dh.

Liara · 19/03/2017 20:34

No, it's not racist. My half siblings (on my mother's side) have often gone on holidays with their half siblings on their father's side without me or my full sister.

Likewise, I have often gone on holiday with my father's family and my half siblings on my father's side without my half siblings on my mother's side being there.

We are all the same ethnicity.

Blended families are all shades of grey. If absolutely everything had to include everyone then it would not be manageable. People have different relations with different people which can sometimes be related to the degree of blood kin closeness without it having to be a big deal.

CoolCarrie · 19/03/2017 20:35

Maybe they can't afford to take all 6 children with them, so choose to take their blood relatives as it were.

Mrsmadevans · 19/03/2017 20:48

I don't think this is racial tbh .I just think they don't want to take them for one reason or another perhaps the behaviour or they don't identify them as belonging to their family .I am sad to say this to you and it is no way for anyone to behave towards any child but there is not a lot you can do about it imho, unless you deny all contact with them. I think I would be tempted to tell them to get lost take them all or none , no one should treat a child like this they should be ashamed of themselves

1horatio · 19/03/2017 20:54

Racial? Could be. But I don't see why this should automatically be the reason.

Yes, if this was the other way around many people would immediately think this was racist (which is why I'm kind of wondering if this is a reverse).

It seems like they don't see your DC as a part of the family. It's sad and you and your DH have to decide if you want them to take any child (I personally would say no. Unless the other 2 DC had a similar program. Especially when all of you went to Mauritius...)

1horatio · 19/03/2017 20:55

Yes if this was a one off it would be okay to say that but dh parents did a trip to Mauritius and didn't want My dc there luckily their dad was taking them away that time anyway.

Did you and DH also go to Mauritius?

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