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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if this was the other way round it would be unacceptable

67 replies

user1489950986 · 19/03/2017 19:39

I am married to a British Indian man and have two dc (7,9) with him I have two dc (13dd 16ds) with my ex and he has two dc (15ds,16ds) with his partner who passed away.

My two oldest dc are white my dc who are with dh are mixed and my two step dc are British Asian. We are a multicultural household and we try an mix the cultures and cuisine as much as possible and my dc are half Italian anyway so they learn their culture from there dad. Despite all this dh has lived here all his life and is very much British.

However the other day sister in law has planned to take the dc to Alton towers with her husband and is taking two older dc and the younger dc in Easter. They didn't offer to take my dc. I asked why that was the case as did dh and SIL said my dc are a bad influence on her children and that she didn't feel comfortable to take them away for the weekend. Tbf my ds is not the best behaved but nothing that would be an issue over the weekend. Dd is perfectly behaved and I can't see why she would be a bad influence.

So I said to dh and he has said it isn't racial but she doesn't feel comfortable taking my dc.

Yes if this was a one off it would be okay to say that but dh parents did a trip to Mauritius and didn't want My dc there luckily their dad was taking them away that time anyway.

They act very different and will avoid my dc when they are at parties and family events.

Dh has said it isn't racial and they aren't excluding my dc they just don't see it as right to take them away. He says they are very traditional. They also say it is because my son has clashed with dh in the past and that this makes them feel as though they would rather avoid them.

Aibu to think it would clearly be called what it is which is racism if it were the other way round. I definitely think it is racial and even if it isn't it is very wrong.

OP posts:

kali110 · 19/03/2017 23:08

This isn't racist.
Either gp only want to take biological gc, or it's how Witchend has put it.
If you can't guarantee your ds will behave, then they may not want to take him, so don't invite either of your kids.
You may not think your kids are a bad influence, but your sil clearly has different views.

tillytown · 20/03/2017 01:15

I agree with you OP. I'm white and my partner is Indian, and I am constantly on the receiving end of all their racist and xenophobic crap. For some unknown reason, everyone else comes up with excuses for their behaviour, I honestly don't understand why. If it was the other way around, those same people would be shouting 'racist' from the top of their lungs, but as it's not, I'm just being sensitive apparently.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 20/03/2017 01:42

Absolutely not racist, just your DC's aren't included as family by those family members

My Asian H family have always included my oldest DS along with our DS together.

I don't think anyone posting can say one way or another. They certainly don't see your children as part of their family but whether that is simply genetics or exclusionary for racist reasons is impossible to tell from the information you provided. The example above tells you nothing other than the family above are nice people.

How were they when you met your husband? If they welcomed you, then the exclusionary behaviour is down to not seeing your children as part of the family/ your children's behaviour not racism

kali110 · 20/03/2017 02:25

tillytown op hasn't said or given any examples of racism from his family except that they're leaving her two kids out.
That doesn't mean it's to do with race, it could be to do with:
SIL said my dc are a bad influence on her children and that she didn't feel comfortable to take them away for the weekend.Tbf my ds is not the best behaved

Or maybe they are just crap grandparents and only see their biological grand kids as their actual grandkids, which would be really sad on their part.

kali110 · 20/03/2017 02:25

Don't know why there is a in there!

Notenoughtime123 · 20/03/2017 03:05

Its a really difficult situation. My pil treat my eldest dd very differently from our youngest. We (my husband) and I have said that they should treat the two children roughly equally, we wouldn't cause sibling problems to satisfy grandparents desires. They arent happy about this but we have two kids not one. Considering your children are a similar age I would suggest that you/husband go with them and take your other two kids in case its they literally can't afford to take two or say sorry none are available to go. It isn't fair toto leave two out of six out.

BoomBoomsCousin · 20/03/2017 03:53

I think a lot of blended families have extended family who make a big distinction between the blood related and step related children, which is sometimes a practical things when there are lots of children, sometimes to do with familiarity and sometimes a matter of values. It doesn't have to be racial.

I think the behaviour thing is probably a bit of a mix of excuse (your DS's poor behaviour seems like a more acceptable reason to give than the fact she just wants to exclude non-blood relatives) and partly something that creates more of a chasm - bad behaviour being more alienating anyway, if it is behaviour that would not be tolerated in her family (of course hardly any parents actually want to tolerate bad behaviour, but some kids are badly behaved anyway, and people will, nevertheless, blame the parent even if all their other kids are well behaved) it will also be seen as a way in which you and your older children aren't really like her.

Which is all very similar to it being racist, the differences between excluding on the basis of blood and the basis of race are mainly ones of scope and impact. But insisting on describing it as racist is unlikely to make things better for any of you and misses the extra layer of direct blood lines, which are important to a lot of people.

BeaderBird · 20/03/2017 04:17

Why on earth would you assume it's an issue of race?

Perhaps your DS is a pain to be around. One child in my family is unbearable to the point where people often avoid socialising with that part of the family. It's terrible but he really is a horrid, nasty, odd and indulged child who dominates every situation in a negative way. We all love him but we don't wish to spend our time with him.

ProudBadMum · 20/03/2017 05:09

I can't see why they would take them unless your ex's family take your younger kids plus your DHs on holiday

I wouldn't expect my parents family to take my child that isn't related as much as I wouldn't expect ex to take my daughter when he picks up his son

ProudBadMum · 20/03/2017 05:09

Partners*

southall · 20/03/2017 05:55

Dont let her split up your dc.

If she doesnt want to take them all, dont let her take any.

You DH "says they are very traditional."

That is another way of saying they are biggoted.

charlestonchaplin · 20/03/2017 05:58

All you have to do is remind your older children, who at 13 and 16 are young adults perfectly capable of understanding, that when they are off having treats and holidays with their father and his family, their half and step-siblings are not invited. This is exactly the same situation.

When you chop and change relationships and families you shouldn't expect everyone else to fall in and out of love like you do, and you shouldn't dictate how they spend their money. All you can do is say, 'All my children benefit or none do', and if someone decides to go down the 'none' route, your younger children will suffer while the older ones' situation remains the same, a similar situation to the one you are trying to prevent.

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 06:05

You accept that your DS is poorly behaved. Why do you doubt that they consider him to be a bad influence, in that case?

Winifredgoose · 20/03/2017 06:11

It is very difficult with step families. I have a nephew and niece from a sibling. I have known them since they were born and love them. My sibling is now with a new partner who has children. To me they are just children who I see. I don't love them. I have my niece and nephew to stay still etc I had never even considered I should be considering having his partner's children too.
If i had to be 'fair' I think I would sadly stop having my own niece and nephew as well.
Would you expect your ex husband to take your new husbands children too, in order to be fair to them, as siblings of his own children?
I think you are expecting too much from your sil. While I can imagine it can seem unfair on your older children when they are missing out on treats, I can't see it is any different to when they see their Dad's family and the others presumably miss out.

Winifredgoose · 20/03/2017 06:13

Sorry cross posts with Charles, who wrote it more succinctly.

charlestonchaplin · 20/03/2017 06:24

I think your post was kinder than mine Winifred, but I do get annoyed when people move from one relationship to another and expect their relatives to automatically do so to. There can be difficult situations in blended families, but unless someone is being deliberately cruel, why not work with them instead of insisting your children have the best of all worlds, always.

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 06:25

I'm in this situation as well. My sister has a very annoying SD she sees at weekends, who is the same age as my niece. I recently took my nieces away for a few days but it didn't occur to me to take the other child as well. She isn't my niece. I can't think why she would even want to go away with me and I don't particularly want to be responsible for her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2017 06:35

Until op comes back we won't know why she think she thinks the family may be racist. I have a couple friends in mixed heritage families, white women with Indian men. They both have had issues with being accepted by the husband's family. One was totally snubbed and ignored until she had children. The other struggled for some time and both are considered second class citizens. I'm not saying this is always the case and I'm talking about two marriages. However, sweeping statements that their motivations definitely aren't racially motivated are unhelpful.

Either way, I'd be incandescent and would expect all children to be treated equally. I would have thought taking away the elder children and leaving your younger two and then vis versa would work well because of the age similarities. That is unless your four children from previous marriages really don't get along.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 20/03/2017 06:36

I cannot tell you how easily I smell racism: only that it is very easily. Some might say I am among the professionally offended and they might be right

But for the life of me I cannot see any racism here, or at least if I can it is on the part of the OP with:

Aibu to think it would clearly be called what it is which is racism if it were the other way round

Yes OP I'm afraid I think YABU and coming remarkably close to playing the 'how come it's only regarded as racism when it goes from white to non-white' card.

I am not saying your ILs are behaving impeccably but you say yourself your DS is a bit of a handful. Your daughter is clearly not, but maybe they think it would be worse to take one and not the other, I dunno.

And surely if they were racist they wouldn't be taking the children you have with DH either?

Sorry, I think you are barking up the wrong tree here. And btw taking additional 16 and 13 year olds to Alton Towers is a BIG ask imho, more so that smaller children because of the greater freedom that would be expected. I wouldn't do it!

I say again (because frankly I am so at the very idea ) I see no evidence at all of your ILs being racist. Oh, and I am white British btw.

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 06:40

Mummyoflittledragon:

Incandescent? Really? The SIL should be allowed to make no distinction between children she is related to and children she isn't related to? I think that is a bit much.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 20/03/2017 07:04

Just clocked that two of the OP's family who have been invited are 15 and 16. Beginning to think SiL is a saint! Or living on another planet. I wonder if she could be persuaded to take my two: they are 35 and 32!

Adarajames · 20/03/2017 07:47

When you married / got together your partner agreed to take on your kids from previous partner as part of the deal (or at least I hope he did and you'd've not married him if he hadn't?!), his extended family however had no say in the matter, so why should they be expected to accept your kids and treat them the same as ones related to them? Yes, morally and kindly would be great, but really can't expect or demand they form a family type relationship with kids that are basically strangers to them

1horatio · 20/03/2017 09:09

his extended family however had no say in the matter, so why should they be expected to accept your kids and treat them the same as ones related to them

Well, if they want one of the OP's biological children then they should accept all imo.

But that's something for the OP and her DH to decide.

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 09:16

1horatio:

It's for them to decide. The OP and her DP can say they don't get to see any of them if they won't accept them all, but they can't force them to accept them all.

MorrisZapp · 20/03/2017 09:25

Does the Italian side take all six kids when they entertain?

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