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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dss has ruined the positive steps he has made.

94 replies

MrsWatt · 19/03/2017 18:55

My dss has been difficult in the best of times you may remember my thread about dss being abusive to his four year old half brother.

Since then we made a lot of changes. First off we stopped four year old making loud noises in the bathroom. Secondly dss went to see a councillor and we have been told via the councillor that dss feels like things would be better without him and that no one in the family likes him so he acts like he doesn't want to be liked.

We all said to him how he can have a clean slate and that the past is the past. Dh has been getting on better with him. He hasn't been rude to anyone and the attitude in a large part went. However today has seen a change of old ways and this is something that doesn't happen often I must say.

Dss had a fight with my son, my son and dh went off to go to the shops and dh brought him a pair of trainers. It's not like dss doesn't get given things but my son needed a pair of trainers. So ds got very jealous and starting shouting at dh saying I hope you die and that dh has replaced him and that he never gets things. Dss intervened and told dss he was being ridiculous and pathetic and dss hit my son. He punched him in the eye (he has a black eye) and he punched him in the rib. He also hit dh who struggled to restrain him.

I am so disappointed we was making a good start with dss who is really sensitive and damaged in my opinion and was going down a positive route.

Aibu what is the way forward because the councilling is making a difference he had written all of us apology letters and dh has had a long chat with him.

I feel I need to protect my son and I feel that I also have duty to help my husbands son who is suffering and who won't get the help otherwise that he needs.

Obviously Dh is very upset as well. It's so hard.

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/03/2017 23:51

Your husband called his son, who is already receiving help for his issues, pathetic? Wow, you picked a gem there. Assuming the child your stepson hit is the four year old then that is a massive issue. It's simply unacceptable. Your husbands attitude to his son does not sound like one which will be conducive to a safe environment to be honest. You really need to think about your own child's safety and also the attitude that his father takes towards his children.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/03/2017 23:55

Oh wait, we're not talking about the 4 year old but a teen? In that case I'll be more blunt. Your husband is an absolute arse. His son is struggling clearly and instead of reacting with an adult emotion responded in a way to inflict emotional hurt. What a wanker. Focus on your husband's attitude, not the teens. I can't actually believe how you just brushed past his comment in your post. I feel for your step son if your post is anything to go by.

Isadora2007 · 20/03/2017 00:09

Honestly? I think your husband should be parenting his own son and you should be parenting yours. In DSSs view his dad left him and chose to be with other sons then even had a replacement actual son. He is emotionally reacting around he age he was when his dad first left him not as a 17 year old he is now.
Your husband needs to step back from his stepsons for a short while to reassure his own son of his love. Unconditional by the way- not "when you don't rock the boat". No conditions attached. Your DSS doesn't feel that love because there always are conditions...
I feel very very sorry for him.

Faez · 20/03/2017 00:14

PaulAnka the OP has used the wrong abbreviations is several places. The OPs teen son called him pathetic.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 20/03/2017 00:17

Ugh, I'm completely lost. Though, by going off your cruise thread and this I'd suggest that as a family you have a lot of work to do.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/03/2017 00:21

I hope your dss gave express permission for his therapist to tell you the details of his sessions?
If not it's a serious breach of ethics, and may effect your dss if he believes his only safe space and confidentiality has been broken.

I really don't think that a couple of sessions in, that writing of letters of apology to you was wise,
The kids been made to confess then tattled on as well, brilliant

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/03/2017 00:24

The lad isn't acting as a 17yr old teen, he's reacting as the little boy at what age he feels his dad left him.

emmyrose2000 · 20/03/2017 01:00

Honestly? I think your husband should be parenting his own son and you should be parenting yours. In DSSs view his dad left him and chose to be with other sons then even had a replacement actual son. He is emotionally reacting around he age he was when his dad first left him not as a 17 year old he is now. Your husband needs to step back from his stepsons for a short while to reassure his own son of his love. Unconditional by the way- not "when you don't rock the boat". No conditions attached. Your DSS doesn't feel that love because there always are conditions... I feel very very sorry for him

Exactly.

OP, your own son sounds like a shit TBH, with the things he said to his stepbrother. Should the SS have hit his stepbrother? No, but I can certainly understand why he did it, especially after those nasty comments from your son.

Notenoughtime123 · 20/03/2017 01:18

Why did you not take your own son to get trainers? If dss is feeling insecure that's not particularly helpful. Also your son shouldn't be intervening in an argument between your dh and his son, nor calling your dss pathetic. No one is saying your dss was right as clearly he shouldn't e hitting out but it doesn't sound like you are doing anything to correct dss feelings that he has been replaced/pushed out.

BillSykesDog · 20/03/2017 01:28

What happened when the other teenager started calling him pathetic and other names? Did his father step in and discipline that child and tell him it was not acceptable? If not (and it doesn't sound like he did) it appears that there seems to be a sort of feeling that DSS deserves it when people react against him. It does sound like there is potentially some scapegoating going on in this family where the rest of the family see themselves as the good guys against the bad guy (DSS).

I'm not sure about this therapist either. Letters of apology to his Dad? Has his Dad written him a letter of apology for his shitty childhood? Poor kid.

KoalaDownUnder · 20/03/2017 01:41

Dss had a fight with my son, my son and dh went off to go to the shops and dh brought him a pair of trainers.

Can you not see how that was a really bad idea?

IAmNotAWitch · 20/03/2017 01:45

Who has the black eye? The 4 year old or the 17 year old?

Because if it is the 4 year old the stepson needs to be removed from the house now.

However that is done (maybe DH needs to move out with his son as well), the 4 year old must be kept safe at home.

If it is the 17 year old, well then maybe you can work it out. But someone who can punch a 4 year old needs removing.

KoalaDownUnder · 20/03/2017 02:28

And yes, YABU 'to think DSS has ruined the positive steps he has made'.

The fact that he messed up doesn't negate any positive things he did before that.

I think your expectations are unrealistic.

lalalalyra · 20/03/2017 02:40

When was the last time your Dss was taken on a shopping trip by his father?

Why did your DH think 1-1 time with his stepson was a good idea when his son is struggling so much and has been trying?

Why did your DH feel the need to be the one to buy your Ds's trainers today? Does he often buy things (buy favour perhaps?) with your DS?

Has your DH partly replaced your Dss in his father/son activities because he finds your son easier?

Was your son punished for getting involved in the argument and calling your Dss names or was it glossed over by your Dss's reaction? Does that happen often?

What is your DH doing now to deal with the situation?

FreeNiki · 20/03/2017 02:44

Your last thread on your DSS was mere days ago.

Since then you've arranged and he's had counselling and now this.

Did you expect for it to all go away in mere days?

This seems to be moving really fast!

Ok of you arranged private counselling quickly but you cant expect change in a week.

KoalaDownUnder · 20/03/2017 03:24

Secondly dss went to see a councillor and we have been told via the councillor that dss feels like things would be better without him and that no one in the family likes him so he acts like he doesn't want to be liked.

Also, what is going on here? What do you mean, you were told 'via' the counsellor?

Presumably you mean 'by' the counsellor, but what kind of counsellor repeats what's said in sessions?

christinarossetti · 20/03/2017 03:38

What steps are you and dh taking to support DSS with his feeling like an unlikeable burden?

What did he apologise for in the letters he wrote? Has anyone apologised to him?

Why is his father taking his step son out shopping when he knows that his own DS is struggling emotionally? Why wasn't:t he spending quality time with his ds?

FreeNiki · 20/03/2017 03:38

Im not sure whats going on here but huge progress and regression in 7 days and a counsellor revealing details of sessions with a near adult age patient?!

Sounds like unrealistic expectations and a dodgy counsellor.

AnnaFiveTowns · 20/03/2017 04:18

What FoxySoxy said. ^

Poor DSS.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 20/03/2017 04:45

Lots of posters have hit the nail on the head with this.

Everyone's else's behaviour and lives canstay exactly the same and the DSS does all the changing to fit in to the space in the family which has been allotted to him? What tosh and I can tell you now that with this approach you will have nothing but failure. You can't see how you, his father and your own son created a situation which was pressing all the DSS buttons and then you stood back and acted all shocked and betrayed for the SS behaviour.

Complete and insensitive nonsense. Setting a deeply hurt and damaged teenager up to fail. And the attitude of expecting him to 'prove himself' within a couple of days/ weeks of therapy? And every negative behaviour seen and judged as his failure to prove to you that he's sorry for behaving badly, and as a sign that it's not working ... when no one else seems at all sorry for this boy at all, or the way he's been treated to make him into this damaged and vulnerable person.

Way to go with the pressure and the feeling of completely conditional love. Oh and the scapegoat role you've set up for him.

I feel very sorry for your step son. Poor kid.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2017 04:51

Your DSS sounds like he's in terrible pain.

Have you thought about family therapy?

And why is DH going trainer shopping with your son when things are in such a delicate place?

emmyrose2000 · 20/03/2017 05:35

Secondly dss went to see a councillor

So only DSS went to therapy? Why only him? The entire family needs to go, or at least you and your husband do too.

This problem wasn't caused by DSS. It was caused by the adults in his life splitting up, regrouping, starting (a) new family/families and he was just supposed to slot in wherever. He's being made into a scapegoat and that isn't at all fair to him.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 20/03/2017 06:12

Agree with MrsTerryPratchett to find a fully qualified family therapist who can help you all work together to make the blended family work. A counselor might just have a weekend qualification whereas a Systemic Family Therapist will generally have a pre-existing qualification and then for the full qualification a further four years training. You will all need to work hard to make it work, not just dss.

I would be quite disappointed in my ds too. Calling someone pathetic who is already very angry is inflammatory and manipulative. Obviously the violence isn't justified but it isn't just dss you need to focus on. If I recall correctly your ds has wound him up before. My dc sometimes have this dynamic and I call the older one out on her behaviour as well as dealing with the one who is angry.

Devilishpyjamas · 20/03/2017 06:30

Er you need to understand family dynamics better. If I took my younger two teens shopping & bought one trainers and the other nothing I'd hear about it. And that's without step brother involvement.

If you have a child who struggles to manage their emotions (& I have a 17 year old who does because he is severely autistic) you HAVE to think through likely reactions. And if they start to struggle to manage their emotions you have to work on de-escalating the situation - not stick a stirry stick in, wind it up and then react like the step son is the worst in the world when he entirely predictably cannot contain his emotions anymore.

The risk that he would at some stage lose his rag should have been predictable from the moment the decision was taken to shop for your son in front of him. You should not be putting him in predictably difficult situations.

Devilishpyjamas · 20/03/2017 06:31

And I used the word predictable so many times on purpose

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