To think you shouldn't ask guests to wash up?

[LaundryQueenHatesBunfights]

BIL is coming over for dinner, nothing fancy. Earlier in the day I said I fancied a bath and asked DH if he could watch DS 15mo while I had one, but then I remembered BIL was coming over and wanting to relax without make up and in PJs after said it didn't matter.

DH's solution was for me to have my bath after dinner, he watches DS and to suggest BIL does the dishes and clearing up. I was 😮 and said we couldn't ask a guest to wash up, he said it was fine to ask BIL to do it and couldn't understand why I was shocked.

I have to admit that if I was someone's guest (literally can't remember the last time I was, mind you!) I would offer to help clear up but would be a bit shocked if they accepted.

What does everyone else think?

Family aren't guests in this house, so I wouldn't have a problem asking him to chip in.

Having said that, why can no-one wash up with a 15 month old in the house?

I wouldn't ask, no. I'd happily ask them to supervise the 15 Mo whilst I washed up though. And if they offered to help (as many do) I'd ask them to just bring the plates over to me at the sink.

I always offer to wash up/clear away/load dishwasher if a friend invites me over for dinner. I wouldn't think it was weird. I'd feel more awkward sitting there watching them do it with a small child to look after and not letting me help. I would think absolutely nothing of it if a family member asked me to help out after they'd just fed me.

I wouldn't ask but I have no problem washing up if I have dinner at a family member's house if they have cooked. And I have been known to do it at friends houses too, or at least have a clean around the kitchen while they do the dishes.

Actually, yes, scrap that - I skimmed over the 15 Mo part. Surely the 15 Mo can just play on the kitchen floor whilst your DH washes up? I mean, this is a child that's pretty active.

Elspeth, that would be the best solution in theory but BIL is not a baby person at all so I suspect he'd rather do the washing up!

Family aren't guests here either.

I would have no problem asking them to help out if needed.

Mind you, I washed up plenty of times with my toddlers with me so not getting the issue there really.

I'd offer to help but I would not expect to be left to do all the dishes, family or no.

I do think it is odd to expect guests to wash up.

The only exception wold be for me when I was staying with family, then I would offer and expect to be taken up on the offer.

As he's family I'm sure you'd all just chip in anyway, since it takes approx 5 minutes with 3 of you doing it.
Then you have your bath after.
Yes, it would be odd for you to go to the bath the second clearing up starts, and dh to disappear for some reason with dc, leaving guest to clean up.
Do it together, non problem.

Nope - most people who eat here often volunteer to wash up - it's rude not to offer - even if the host turns your help down!

It's not weird

Really?

In our family if we were at another relatives house we wouldnt dream of not pitching in. We wouldnt need to be asked.

Also we would be fine with asking someone to chip in.

Yabu

I always offer to help when visiting family, fa,iky always chp in when they visit us.

I would find it odd if I went to visit family to eat, then asked to wash up whilst my brother watched his child and my sil had a bath. 15 month old can play whilst the 3 blokes wash and dry surely?

DS is quite clingy at moment (especially on an evening) so also wouldn't play independently on the floor while we cleared up. If it was me I'd put him in sling and clear up but DH isn't confident with it.

Asking him to chip in with the clearing up, fine.

Asking him to do it all, not really fine - I'd be pretty put out to be lumbered with all the clearing up while my sil went for a bath and my db played with a baby!

I would suggest one of you ask bil to help clear up while the other watches DS and then you go for your bath and leave them to sort DS between them.

As in you go for your bath once the clearing up is done (by whichever two of you do it while the other watches the baby)

I think it totally depends on how close they are, my DM might wash up at mine and I might at hers but if it was a run of the mill guest invited for dinner then obviously no I wouldn't ask them to get stuck in with cleaning!

Why dont you take DS upstairs while you run your bath and let DH and DBIL wash up. By the time the baths run the dishes will be done and DS can be handed to DH.

Family and good friends help each other out.

If it's his brother then no. Dh is mortified but I'll go into my sister or my brother's kitchen and make a sandwich without asking. I was at my dgrandma's yesterday(only see her once a year or so) and I went and washed up happily and I loaded the dishwasher at my bil and sil's the other day.

Why not let it fester in the sink like normal people??? at least while people are over

I think it's more rude of you to go and have a bath while you've got a guest over.

It's her DH brother - I'm sure they'd like a bit of brotherly time together - hardly rude!

We've had the in laws over to stay a week recently and before that at Christmas and thanks giving, and it does my head in the BIL never clears the table or washes up. He leaves it for me or his mum. My husband works till 7pm week nights and is a wreck when he gets in so no use for that stuff... I resent BIL a bit for not helping even though I understand he honks he is on holiday... Modish washer in this house so washing up for 8 each mealtime is miserable

I would want a 15 month old settled in bed, then dishes and clearing up.

Agree that it's rude to make your guest wash up when neither of the two adults in the house are inclined to do so themselves.

Of course, it's also poor form to go off to do your own thing when someone you've invited over is there for such a short time (i.e. dinner, not the weekend), unless there was some pressing reason that both men needed to talk by themselves. Otherwise a more common stance would be that if you don't want to spend the evening together, save the invite for when you do.