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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL and his new gf

47 replies

Lilachopesandwishes · 19/03/2017 16:41

Really need an unbiased opinion on this one...

BIL has a 'newish' gf, they have been together since January and moved BIL moved in with her and her daughter after 3 weeks. They constantly argue about who's paying for what, BIL doesn't think it is his responsibility to pay for gf's child and that she should pay for the child not him but he does so, To stop arguments.Gf works bank shifts in hospital but has not accepted one since she met BIL (BIL is always constantly moaning that she does nothing round the house in terms of cleaning and cooking whilst he goes out to work to support himself, her and the child. Child's dad isn't on the scene). we all went out together for Sunday lunch today to celebrate my promotion at work,they arrived 2.5hrs late due to arguements and then made us (me,bf, PIL) uncomfortable by arguing about everything including whether to have ice in the drink Hmm. GF then mentioned how stressful it is having a child and working....Confused and BIL asked if myself and bf would have the child whilst they went to away raving for the weekend. When I said that it is something that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing as I have met the child on a handful of occasions BIL and gf got very arsey. I explained that if We knew the child and the child knew us and our DS better then it wouldn't be an issue and I also don't think it is fair to send child to an environment when the child doesn't know the environment or the people in it. Gf made a remake that it it was BIL biological child then there would be no issue.

So am I AIBU to stick to my guns about this even though it will cause family problems?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 19/03/2017 16:44

Yanbu.You hardly know the girl and she hardly know you. Maybe an evening would be ok but a weekend is very unfair to ask of you.

TurnipCake · 19/03/2017 16:45

Christ on a bike, no YANBU

Not your circus and all that

Feel sorry for the kid seeing all the bickering

TheNaze73 · 19/03/2017 16:46

He needs to bin her off. 3 months in, who needs all that shit & expense. Can't believe he had the cheek to ask you either

badabeedabom · 19/03/2017 16:47

Well if it was BIL's biological child it would presumably be no issue as you would have known each other for longer Confused

He is being ridiculous though to not expect to pay for things for the child. If you move in with a parent then surely you have the child too as a package deal?

Bananalanacake · 19/03/2017 16:47

Why can't they just live apart, they can still have a relationship, I don't understand this rush to move in when you hardly know each other.

MissJC · 19/03/2017 16:48

Their relationship sounds like a nightmare tbh considering they have only been with each other for a couple of months. At that point its still meant to be all romantic and rose tinted glasses, not arguing about money! Plenty of time for that in 10 years.

YANBU, and I would never leave my DD with someone I hadn't known for the best part of 2 months, only person I leave her with overnight is my own mother.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 19/03/2017 16:50

Sounds like they sizing you up for regular child care. .
No way kimosabe. . .

ArchNotImpudent · 19/03/2017 16:50

YANBU - It sounds as though their relationship is rocky, to say the least; any problems that your refusal might cause are minor by comparison to the larger issues they need to sort out between them.

PlymouthMaid1 · 19/03/2017 16:50

She sounds very presumptions so early in the relationship. Your BIL seems a bit of a lovestruck fool to put up with her packing up work so quickly. Mad to ask you to have the poor girl in any circumstance other than an emergency.

Original poster
Lilachopesandwishes · 19/03/2017 16:58

It is a nightmare, there's no reasoning with BIL he's only 20, I know it's no excuse. He wants to the adult stuff but doesn't want the responsibility, even today it was myself who was looking after the daughter as she was playing with DS, no coming over to check even though I'm a relative stranger to the child. I also can't help but find the GF quite rude, not just this situation but she came to my house once to bring their new dog to show my DS who is obsessed with dogs. ( the dog did a massive shit on my cream carpet and instead of apologising and cleaning it uplaughed and said it only dog shit) DP now understands why we will never ever have a dog. BIL last gf was lovely and very career oriented (same as me probably why we got on so well) but would always be sociable. I always think that if you go out in a group you talk to everyone not just you partner and child. They have also had matching tattoos of each other's name on their ring finger. So always arguing about money yet have bought a dog and had tattoos. Angry. At least I know I'm not being unreasonable and I know it sounds awful but I can't seeing them being together this time next year or even in 3 months at this rate

OP posts:
highinthesky · 19/03/2017 17:18

Stay away from them for your own sanity. This relationship is not going to last long and you know it.

Hopefully your BIL might have grown up a bit by the time it fizzles out. Until then the problem is his and not yours.

highinthesky · 19/03/2017 17:19

Matching tattoos after 2 months? That says it all!

Lemonnaise · 19/03/2017 17:20

She sounds an absolute nightmare of epic proportions...and I hate to say it but is your DB going the same way? Is her ways starting to rub of on him?

expatinscotland · 19/03/2017 17:23

YANBU.

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/03/2017 17:24

My GOD, they've got matching tattoos on their ring fingers after 3 flipping months!

I hope they've both got comman names so when this joke of a relationship goes tits up they'll have no problem finding a replacement with the same name...

They are unreasonable asking you to look after a child you hardly know. Poor kid :(

IamFriedSpam · 19/03/2017 17:25

Poor kid! It's nice if there is close family to have the DC for a weekend - kids get weekend being spoilt by doting GP/aunt/uncle/god-parent and the parents gets some times to themselves but being dumped on strangers so her mum can run off and have fun would feel pretty shit.

I can also imagine this turning into a regular occurrence with them assuming you can have the girl because they've already got tickets for XYZ.

WateryTart · 19/03/2017 17:33

I shouldn't worry, OP, it's not going to last much longer. He'll see her for the user she is.

weatherbomb · 19/03/2017 17:47

OMG she's a real keeper Hmm Poor child.........

Original poster
Lilachopesandwishes · 19/03/2017 17:51

I can imagine he is just as bad, my DP has text BIL to him we won't be having the child for the weekend as we don't feel comfortable, BIL replied saying that could we have her from Saturday morning when DS has finished football training till Sunday morning. Again we replied no and the text went unanswered until about 5 minutes ago when I post a pic of DS and my uncles son on FB in matching football kits that were taken yesterday. They then replied saying that it is obvious that we are only saying no because she isn't BIL child and that we favour my side of the family as we are always doing things with my uncles son.my uncle works across county and my aunty is a nurse, the boys also go to the same nursery and I'll will pick their son and up and they mine if either is stuck, the boys are also best friends and have been forever, there is 5 weeks between them so have always been together and played with each other. The boys are the same age both are 3.my uncle and his wife had their child late in life and we had our DS when I was 20. I think part of my thinking is that I had my son and still went to uni and completed my degree on only 3 weeks off when I gave birth due to my placements I also work full time as a secondary school teacher and Dp all the hours god sends so that we as a family can have lovely things and holidays. My jobs is non stop but I still find time to do the cooking and the cleaning. I also find that I would never ask them to have my child as my child does know the GF nor has he visited their house neither have we, we've never been invited or told where they live, neither have PIL I don't think I would be any different if it was BIL biological child as we both work all week and the weekend is our time as a family. I am honestly get more and more angry each time they reply as we've said no once and that should be the end of it!!

OP posts:
Treysanatomy · 19/03/2017 17:53

YANBU

If it was BIL's biological child you'd presumably have met them more than a handful of times so that's a crap argument really.

Original poster
Lilachopesandwishes · 19/03/2017 18:04

UPDATE- BIL has messaged DP telling him to put his foot down with me as DP pays the mortgage, this is not true as it comes out our joint account where everything else comes out of. MIL has also messaged me telling me stick to my guns as two Fridays a go they said they would have the child for a couple of hours whilst they went for meal and they didn't come for back for her until Saturday night at 11 when they had put the child to bed. I'm determined not to be made out to be some kind of child hating bitch they are trying to make me out to be.

OP posts:
Whattodo23 · 19/03/2017 18:08

Poor kid being fobbed off to strangers. They sound unhinged

expatinscotland · 19/03/2017 18:12

I hope your DP told him to fuck off! I would tell my sister that if she came to me with that. Bet you she will soon be pregnant.

ohfourfoxache · 19/03/2017 18:13

Feel so sorry for the poor child in all this.

Although I'd be cutting Bil off completely for such a nasty fucking message- who the hell does he think he is?

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/03/2017 18:18

I wouldn't even bother responding to the text - silence speaks volumes...