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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL and his new gf

47 replies

Lilachopesandwishes · 19/03/2017 16:41

Really need an unbiased opinion on this one...

BIL has a 'newish' gf, they have been together since January and moved BIL moved in with her and her daughter after 3 weeks. They constantly argue about who's paying for what, BIL doesn't think it is his responsibility to pay for gf's child and that she should pay for the child not him but he does so, To stop arguments.Gf works bank shifts in hospital but has not accepted one since she met BIL (BIL is always constantly moaning that she does nothing round the house in terms of cleaning and cooking whilst he goes out to work to support himself, her and the child. Child's dad isn't on the scene). we all went out together for Sunday lunch today to celebrate my promotion at work,they arrived 2.5hrs late due to arguements and then made us (me,bf, PIL) uncomfortable by arguing about everything including whether to have ice in the drink Hmm. GF then mentioned how stressful it is having a child and working....Confused and BIL asked if myself and bf would have the child whilst they went to away raving for the weekend. When I said that it is something that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing as I have met the child on a handful of occasions BIL and gf got very arsey. I explained that if We knew the child and the child knew us and our DS better then it wouldn't be an issue and I also don't think it is fair to send child to an environment when the child doesn't know the environment or the people in it. Gf made a remake that it it was BIL biological child then there would be no issue.

So am I AIBU to stick to my guns about this even though it will cause family problems?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilachopesandwishes · 19/03/2017 18:18

I do believe they are trying for a child HmmConfusedAngrySad. If anything I'm glad it's come around like this rather than if they have their own child and they try to lumber both on us. I think that when you have a child going out as a couple is a treat not a giving and if you can't find a babysitter well it's just tough. I also think that spending money going to a rave when there are other things to buy is unnecessary but that's my opinion. There is no reasoning with them and it's not just BIL has cut all his friends off due to he jealousy and she drops him to and from work to make sure he can't talk/meet girls on the bus to and from work. She also says they can only go out together not separately. They don't even do the food shop alone.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 19/03/2017 18:21

Let them get on with it...

Underthemoonlight · 19/03/2017 18:24

Dear God op that's appaulling realistically he shouldn't of even met the dd let alone be living with her and fobbing her off onto his family. Poor child and poor mil. Stick to your guns.

Trollspoopglitter · 19/03/2017 18:44

So he lives with her for free but moans he pays all the other bills? They sound made for each other :-(

Lostwithinthehills · 19/03/2017 18:45

I feel so sorry for that poor child being left with strangers and treated like an inconvenience by her mother. As a pp has already written your bil should only just be meeting the child if the relationship is only two or three months old. It must be very unsettling for the child to have a stranger, your bil, living in their home and be even more disconcerting to be left in a strange home with more strangers, your pil. I certainly wouldn't be facilitating that treatment towards the child and I think you are quite right to choose not to have the child for a weekend. Your bil's gf needs to take her responsibility as a parent more seriously and your bil needs to realise that by choosing to join that family unit he should also be taking responsibility for the child's welfare. The gf is talking nonsense about you making an issue because your bil is not the biological father, in reality he is just some bloke she has known for a couple of months. As to the relationship between your bil and his gf it sounds doomed to fail and I genuinely hope they don't bring another child into their dysfunction.

badabeedabom · 19/03/2017 19:03

That poor child.

The mind boggles at your BIL's logic which says he should take no financial responsibility for his new 'step'child yet his family members owe it to him to provide free child care on tap.

londonrach · 19/03/2017 19:09

That poor child!

Original poster
Lilachopesandwishes · 19/03/2017 19:13

BIL pays all bill except the rent which is paid by the council he just doesn't want to pay for the child's food, nappies etc. I've explained that it is far too soon for the child to be introduced to somebody who essentially is a father figure to her as if it all goes belly up she is the one who suffers. We've all tried to explain to BIL it's moving to quick for this to be healthy as they don't know each other well enough for key milestones like this. I've messaged the GF and explained that whilst I don't mind meeting up and having play dates this is a far as it will go.I also said that she would feel exactly the same if it were me asking her to look after my child all weekend. The only person who I feel sorry for is the child, she is a sweet thing but will not doubt feel unsettled due to all the changes. It seems gfs fallen out with her mom who did the main chunck of babysitting as she is of the same viewpoint as us. The fact is they are both very young and having a child throw in the mix doesn't help. I just hope for the sake of the child that they can sort it all out before things get worse as GF will be very stuck if she and BIL split up.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 19/03/2017 19:16

I would not look after anyone's child for a whole weekend. If I had a fairly new relationship with someone, I would not be asking his brother and wife to look after my child at all, never mind a whole weekend. There is something wrong with this woman. She would rather dump her child on someone, just so as she can go on a rave. Then when you say no, she is rude to you saying it would be different if it was your bills biological child. I think you made the right decision there op.

badabeedabom · 19/03/2017 19:23

Sorry if this is a derail, I'm non-UK and I'm mystified as to why the council pays the rent if a working couple is living in the house? Confused

I stand by my comment that he is absolutely and completely in the wrong if he lives with someone whose name he has had TATTOOED on his ring finger and yet he's quibbling over who should pay for her child's nappies. It's not like he didn't know about the kid FFS.

As for telling your DH to put his foot down because "he pays the mortgage", words fail me.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2017 19:35

'I'm non-UK and I'm mystified as to why the council pays the rent if a working couple is living in the house?'

Because the rents are so high in many places the couple qualify for an amount of housing benefit.

redshoeblueshoe · 19/03/2017 19:37

Or because she didn't tell the council he'd moved in.

Nanny0gg · 19/03/2017 19:42

Does the council know that they're living together?

Foslady · 19/03/2017 20:25

Your DP should put his foot down????

Wow - and that want a massive favour off you???? Gobsmacked!

badabeedabom · 19/03/2017 20:56

Because the rents are so high in many places the couple qualify for an amount of housing benefit

Ah OK, it's the same where I live (in fact I receive it too). I was taking the post too literally I think and imagining that the council actually took care of the bill for them or something, and got myself confused Blush

ElisavetaFartsonira · 19/03/2017 21:51

They sound marvellous.

Original poster
Lilachopesandwishes · 19/03/2017 22:41

Yes I do suspect that she has t declared he is living there but it's not a question I can ask. Thanks for all the responses at least I know I'm not being unreasonable in the slightest. Although me and my DP have been made to feel extremely unreasonable.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 19/03/2017 23:04

"MIL has also messaged me telling me stick to my guns"
Excellent. So you, DH and MIL are a united front against your total arsehole BIL. Sounds like he and his GF are made for each other, ensuring only two people are unhappy and not four. Except of course , for that poor child Sad.

emmyrose2000 · 20/03/2017 03:10

BIL has messaged DP telling him to put his foot down with me as DP pays the mortgage, this is not true as it comes out our joint account

Holy cow. Anyone who said that to me would be cut out of my life forever. From hereon in, I wouldn't have anything to do with BIL. If I didn't already think BIL was a disgusting individual before that, I certainly would've after reading this.

It sounds like he and the gf are perfect for each other. Horrible people. If BIL wanted the freedom to go raving all weekend then maybe he shouldn't have shacked up with someone who has a child/other responsibilities.

How old are the mother and her little girl? Poor child. :(

UnconventionalWarfare · 20/03/2017 03:51

Gf sounds emotionally abusive.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 20/03/2017 04:38

Oh God. The update about them leavint the child with MIL for that long makes me think that whilst they're VERY unreasonable, I might take the poor thing while they go out as who knows where they might leave her if you don't!?

Travelledtheworld · 20/03/2017 05:21

And this child is only 3 years old ??????

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