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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not offered this lift?

70 replies

Anotherdayanotherusername · 19/03/2017 15:57

We lift share with another family as our children attend the same activity, taking it in turns to drop or pick up. Pick up time is 9.30pm on a Friday night, so not ideal. Therefore, we really relish the weeks we're not on pick up duty and no doubt the other couple do too! The driving is usually shared between myself and the two dads. The other mum rarely, if ever, gets involved and certainly not since she's been pregnant (she's about 5 months).

This week it was our turn to drop so I popped a bottle of wine in the fridge before setting off, looking forward to a nice meal and a few drinks on my return.

When I arrived to collect the other child, the mum said her DH was ill "so (heavy sigh) I suppose I'll have to pick them up!" I briefly considered offering to do both runs then remembered my wine and decided she was pregnant not sick. Instead, I made a few sympathetic noises and said I'd see her later. However, her attitude made me wonder if I was being a bit mean and said as much to DH when I got home. He said we COULD text and tell her not to worry but then spotted the wine and decided we were hardly asking her to climb Mount Everest and got pouring!

For clarity, the activity is a 5-10 minute drive from either house with a slight detour to drop the other child. The DC are old enough to come out by themselves, so no need to even get out of the car.

When she dropped DC home later, I feel she made a point of saying what a rough day she'd had due to DH being ill, then having to come out to pick up the kids which got me wondering again.

If I was left in any doubt that she was pissed off, she's now updated her Facebook status to "feeling shattered" saying how much she appreciates all her DH does now she's had to do everything this weekend, not to mention being an unpaid taxi driver!

AIBU to think she's being rather precious and that being pregnant does not excuse her from fulfilling her family's role in this longstanding arrangement on this one occasion?

OP posts:
Despairbunny · 19/03/2017 15:59

YANBU.

ImperialBlether · 19/03/2017 16:13

Oh just ignore her. She wants everyone to run around after her.

LadyPW · 19/03/2017 16:16

She's being precious. YANBU.

justdontevenfuckingstart · 19/03/2017 16:16

Ignore. When dd were younger we lived in a small village so shared the drops. I always seemed to have the late pick ups tho. Stopped that and just took my kids. Nobody else bothered offering.

MaisyPops · 19/03/2017 16:18

She's being precious.

I had a colleague like that. She'd forever abandon what she should be doing because 'oh baby' but she was well enough to be sat around bitching with her equally lazy friend. She's not do work because 'baby' and then everyone else was expected to pick up the slack. She's back from maternity in a month or so and I'm just waiting for it all again. Work not done 'oh Simon was uo all night', I just need to dash because I have Simon.

IamFriedSpam · 19/03/2017 16:19

not to mention being an unpaid taxi driver

That would piss me off, since you're taking it in turns. Obviously the sensible thing to do would be to ignore her but I'd be tempted to write a passive aggressive response. "I know those Friday night pick ups are a killer aren't they! The things we do for our kids!"

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 19/03/2017 16:21

Ignore her, posting wanky 'ooh I'm so shattered' crap is pathetic.

haveacupoftea · 19/03/2017 16:21

She sounds like a dickhead. Surprised she hasn't found herself driving more since she got pregnant and can't drink - I bloody well have.

Groovee · 19/03/2017 16:35

I wouldn't have offered. If she was feeling tired then she should have asked to swap earlier in the evening not when you were picking up.

Witchend · 19/03/2017 17:02

Passive aggressive is the way to go.
Something along the lines of
I know, we're always running around after the kids. It's so good that we agreed to share lifts so we each do one way only for yesterday's activity isn't it. I bet you're as glad as me that it's only one way for that one.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2017 17:07

YANBU! She's a PA cow.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 17:09

YANBU but i think you are quite mean for putting a glass of wine over offering to help her knowing her dh was ill.

You could have had dinner and then wine later when the kids were all home. You didn't need to but you could have.

Please do not reply to her message on Facebook, don't escalate it. You both get a good arrangement out of it, since (presumably) her dh does all the driving for their family, normally.

To be honest this all sounds quite hostile towards a pregnant women with a sick husband so I think if you make any comments on Facebook about this, you will sound quite mean.... well you did ask! Wink

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/03/2017 17:16

I'm 7.5 months pregnant, DH has been ill for about 3 weeks with a heavy cold/virus. I think she's being a drama queen. If she's struggling she should be a grown up and ask for help rather than all the huffing and puffing. I agree you should ignore the fb theatrics.

ColdAsIceCubes · 19/03/2017 17:19

She's pregnant, not ill!! The agreement was that you would share lifts. If your dh was ill, you would pick up the slack, and vice versa. Ignore!

Belindabelle · 19/03/2017 18:20

We do a car share on a Friday night and the activity ends at 9.30. I am not the other mum as I am not pregnant. However we do drop off and pick up on the same night. Then you have two weeks free when you can open the wine at 5pm if you like. On the weeks that it is our turn DH and I often go for a coffee or do the weekly food shop together.

JennyWoodentop · 19/03/2017 18:26

If she was too tired or ill to do it she should have asked directly if you could swap for another week, and not done all the PA huffing and facebook dramatics.

It was their family's turn so if her husband can't do it, she does it, not your family - barring emergencies of course.

If her husband is regularly unavailable and she doesn't want to take his turn, then you should consider whether the arrangement still works for you or if you just want to take your own child and not lift share anymore. That will mean less wine of course - my child has a regular Friday activity with a 9.30/10pm pickup so I know what that's like!

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 19/03/2017 18:30

To be honest this all sounds quite hostile towards a pregnant women with a sick husband

Bloody hell, melodramatic much?! She's pregnant, not an invalid, and he had a virus or something, he's not dying!

I would definitely have poured the wine too OP

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherusername · 19/03/2017 18:33

Lol Belinda got a bit worried there! That sounds like a good alternative.

Thanks all who replied - wasn't sure if I'd be flamed but good to see that my reaction was considered reasonable by most. Btw, this person does have form for posting attention seeking stuff about their health etc, even when not pg. Her DH also runs round after her a lot. Therefore, I do think I felt even less inclined to pander to her than someone else who didn't have this rep!

OP posts:
Bubbinsmakesthree · 19/03/2017 18:37

If she's having a very difficult pregnancy and was really going to struggle with the pick up she should have explained and asked politely for a favour.

She just sounds like someone who likes a moan. Ignore!

Lilaclily · 19/03/2017 18:40

She sounds a pain in the arse! Hate passive aggressive statuses on fb , is she a teenager for God's sake !

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 18:56

It does sound hostile to me. And many posters do too! Quite unpleasant.

Being pregnant isn't being ill but can make you feel it. And just because any of us have been pregnant before or are pregnant now we don't know how the other mum feels.

I don't agree with the Facebook posting. I don 't think the OP is being unreasonable but I also don't think it is very nice.

If the reciprocal arrangement were to break down I think the OP and her Dh would miss it more than the other mum, as she doesn't usually do the driving anyway.

But as I say OP YANBU it was your call.

Emphasise · 19/03/2017 19:05

My initial thought was that it wouldn't have killed you to offer to do it, they can do both legs next week. Pregnant isn't I'll but I do remember being so tired I cried at work. However, that nasty PA FB would have me rethinking the whole arrangement.

You must not respond though

Porpoiselife · 19/03/2017 19:08

YANBU.

I don't get why she got out of the car when dropping off your dd to tell you again how tired she is? When we lift share we generally just pull up outside child's house, make they have gone in before driving off, I never get out and take them to the door (I did when they were little though, but not since about age 10)

harderandharder2breathe · 19/03/2017 19:17

At no point did she act like a grown up and ASK you to do the other pick up! Passive aggressive twat

Yanbu. She's pregnant not ill, she never actually asked for help, and you can bet she wouldn't have done the same for you

QueenInsomnia · 19/03/2017 19:32

I'd be tempted to mention something to her, face to face. Such as 'would you prefer that you only collect your own DC, and I collect my own DC each week, as I'd hate for you to feel like your using you as a free taxi driver' Smile
It sounds like she's making a big deal of nothing. I'm pregnant, as yes exhausted most of the time, but like others have said it is not an illness. Especially if the drive is 5-10 minutes I don't see a problem. Don't let her make you feel bad, when you also collect her children without complaining.