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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not offered this lift?

70 replies

Anotherdayanotherusername · 19/03/2017 15:57

We lift share with another family as our children attend the same activity, taking it in turns to drop or pick up. Pick up time is 9.30pm on a Friday night, so not ideal. Therefore, we really relish the weeks we're not on pick up duty and no doubt the other couple do too! The driving is usually shared between myself and the two dads. The other mum rarely, if ever, gets involved and certainly not since she's been pregnant (she's about 5 months).

This week it was our turn to drop so I popped a bottle of wine in the fridge before setting off, looking forward to a nice meal and a few drinks on my return.

When I arrived to collect the other child, the mum said her DH was ill "so (heavy sigh) I suppose I'll have to pick them up!" I briefly considered offering to do both runs then remembered my wine and decided she was pregnant not sick. Instead, I made a few sympathetic noises and said I'd see her later. However, her attitude made me wonder if I was being a bit mean and said as much to DH when I got home. He said we COULD text and tell her not to worry but then spotted the wine and decided we were hardly asking her to climb Mount Everest and got pouring!

For clarity, the activity is a 5-10 minute drive from either house with a slight detour to drop the other child. The DC are old enough to come out by themselves, so no need to even get out of the car.

When she dropped DC home later, I feel she made a point of saying what a rough day she'd had due to DH being ill, then having to come out to pick up the kids which got me wondering again.

If I was left in any doubt that she was pissed off, she's now updated her Facebook status to "feeling shattered" saying how much she appreciates all her DH does now she's had to do everything this weekend, not to mention being an unpaid taxi driver!

AIBU to think she's being rather precious and that being pregnant does not excuse her from fulfilling her family's role in this longstanding arrangement on this one occasion?

OP posts:

QueenInsomnia · 19/03/2017 19:33

Spell check!
as I'd hate for you to feel like we're using you as a free taxi driver**

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 21:59

OP if she has asked you if you would have minded doing drop off and pick up this time, what would you have said?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 19/03/2017 22:01

If she isn't prepared to taxi her existing dc how will she cope with another one!!

StealthPolarBear · 19/03/2017 22:03

He might be ill. She isn't.

Onthecouchagain · 19/03/2017 22:10

Yanbu.

blackteasplease · 19/03/2017 22:17

I think if she felt that bad she should have asked you if you didn't mind swapping this time.

It's the massive hints and expecting you to offer that is maddening and makes you not want to help.

If someone had asked me outright I'd probably have said yes.

pictish · 19/03/2017 22:18

Honestly? I wouldn't have offered to do it...not with that wine and dinner waiting and it being Friday night and all that. Yes I have a plain selfish streak but I'm also quite stubborn and if I knew she wouldn't do the same for me, I'd let her get on with it. This comes from the younger me being a people pleaser and learning not to be.
All the sighing and poor-put-upon-me-ing would get on my tits. I felt shite in all my pgcys but life goes on and it was her turn.

Original poster

Anotherdayanotherusername · 19/03/2017 22:18

Italian, if she had actually asked us to do both ways, I wouldn't have refused, despite being miffed about the wine . Well, I probably would've asked DH to do the pick up assuming I'd done the outward run. However, I would've expected them (well her DH in reality) to do both ways next week.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 22:20

So in a way despite it being annoying all the huffing and puffing she did you a favour by not asking. I think it was better she did not ask, she gave you the chance to answer no, by not asking.

I don't agree with her posting on Facebook but I do think she did you a favour by not asking.

Anyway, OP let it go, life is too short. XX

Original poster

Anotherdayanotherusername · 19/03/2017 22:21

Pictish/Blackteaplease - that's it exactly.

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 19/03/2017 22:55

I was poorly all through my second pregnancy, and felt shite. But I did ask direct questions, and not drop hints!

Cherrysoup · 19/03/2017 23:03

I hate these 'fishing' Faceache statements. I know people can become very ill when pregnant and I'm full of sympathy, but when I was trying to offer help to a friend who was heavily pregnant and storming round in heels-much respect, I can't do that when not pregnant, she told me 'I'm pregnant, not disabled'. I was suitably told! I should not have assumed she was feeling poorly. Equally, if someone is finding it hard, I might offer to help.

emmyrose2000 · 20/03/2017 03:23

YANBU

I've been pregnant and felt absolutely awful at times during it, but that didn't give me leeway to say and post childish PA comments.

Just be prepared for when the baby is actually here, and her DH is away or ill. She'll be dropping PA comments then too about how much hassle it is to go out and do the pickup with a new/sleeping baby.

GreyDey · 20/03/2017 03:40

The FB comment would be too much for me. I wouldn't offer to do the runs in future, I would rather pay for a taxi for the return leg of the journey now and again than endure that sort of childish attitude.

"I agree about the unpaid taxi. Won't be collecting or dropping off your DC in future." End of chat.

Paperplain · 20/03/2017 05:02

Maybe she was actually just saying she now appreciates all her OH does and that's all?! Rather than having a passive aggressive go at anyone else??

Paperplain · 20/03/2017 05:06

I mean, we don't know what else she had to do and so maybe she was actually just shattered and realising her OH picks up a lot of it. To be hones I feel that a lot of this might be a misreading of the situation and just assuming that he post is about her when actually it's quite possible that it's not at all? Maybe she just wanted a kind ear and a few kind words especially if she's feeling sick with the pregnancy and also an ill OH.

IAmHumanAndINeedToBeLoved · 20/03/2017 05:32

Firstly, being an unpaid taxi driver is a large part of parenting. You can't complain about that!

Secondly, if she wanted you to do it, then she should have asked. If she has issues with expressing her needs directly, then she needs to sort that out.

in your shoes, had I been asked if I would do the pick up, then I would. However, I would not respond well to an attempt at passive aggressive manipulation either.

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 05:51

She hasn't done anything wrong! There's no indication she expected you to it for her. She is just tired, a normal result of being pregnant, a mum and having a sick husband. You are projecting and others here are being frankly mean, calling her "pathetic" and so on.

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 05:52

GreyDey:

So rude!

NotYoda · 20/03/2017 06:23

Wow

Facebook is really BORING if people post stuff like that

Ignore

NotYoda · 20/03/2017 06:27

The thing is, people reap what they sow. If she had asked you nicely, my guess would be that you'd have said yes. But being indirect puts people's backs up. It does mine. Grown-ups are quite capable of asking assertively (and then accepting the answer if it's not what they want to hear)

showmeislands · 20/03/2017 06:32

YANBU. She's 5 months pregnant not 9 months, and it's a really short drive!

Miserylovescompany2 · 20/03/2017 06:39

I'd pull out of the share now before they start taking the piss even more....

Yes, some pregnancies are utterly exhausting, but, she wasn't walking to collect the DC, she was driving. If she was really struggling then she should of spoken like an adult and asked if you minded on this occasion if you swapped? Then offered to do the next two consecutive pick ups.

Did she pull her weight prior to the pregnancy?

daydreamdolly22 · 20/03/2017 06:42

Bet she wouldn't be happy if you dropped the arrangement and therefore made her an "unpaid taxi driver" more often.

Stupid woman.

Pregnant. Not ill. Pregnant.

You have kids, you deal with it, the tiredness, not wanting to do shit sometimes, being pregnant doesn't excuse you from normal every day things that come with being a parent.

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 09:02

Stupid woman

Why is she stupid? Because she is tired?

Honestly, I despair sometimes. If this is the attitude mothers take towards other mothers, who needs critics? Fuck me.

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