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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have just walked out on the family

48 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 19/03/2017 12:40

Because dh is never proactive about suggesting things we can do as a family at weekends. It's always me. He'd rather moan and whinge about three weather/ not having anything to do.

I will be going back at some stage today, but I've had enough - every weekend right now is the same.

A bit of background. We have a 6yo ds and 4 month old dd. Ds is lovely, but quite high energy (or if not doing anything will just sit and watch TV or play or the tablet). Dh gets frustrated in both situations - ds is either throwing himself around the house hyped up, hanging around bored, or has his nose in technology. It can be a little wearing during the winter as i'm sure many can relate to. So we resolved to get out of the house more, which is fine in principle.

However dd obviously needs naps and feeds, so whatever we do has to incorporate her needs obviously. Yesterday I suggested a walk at the local country park. Dh wasn't exactly bowling me over with enthusiasm but we got out and had a lovely few hours. Dh and ds got on really well together and we worked well around dd's need for sleep (in the buggy) and feeds (at the cafe).

We woke up this morning and almost immediately dh began snapping at ds for various reasons. He took him out for a couple of hours for hockey, so I thought I'd think of something to do this afternoon as a family to stop us all tripping over each other inside. Thought we could go shopping for some gardening stuff and all get involved in the garden, tidying, planting etc. Dh's response: "It's freezing out there." No other suggestion of course, just negativity. So at this point I took umbrage and it turned into an argument. This is the second weekend running this has happened. He's not happy doing nothing in the house, but incapable of suggesting alternatives that take account of all our needs. It's so bloody wearing. I've ended up walking out on him and the kids and told him to tell me when he decides what he wants to do or when dd needs feeding (I'm breastfeeding) and I'll join him but until then I'm staying away. Childish perhaps, but I don't like arguing in front of the kids and I'm currently parked up crying in frustration. He's such a fucking mood hoover.

He sent me a really sweet text after I left and I'm afraid I was so angry and frustrated that my response wasn't very kind in return. I explained how I feel (which I tried earlier but communication isn't calm and reasonable when we argue) and told him I was pleased I'm not seeing him next Saturday (I'm taking dd to London). Now I feel awful and guilty. He unsurprisingly has to replied.

Honestly he's a lovely man, but not always blessed with positivity or being proactive. But he adores me and the kids and 99% of the time is amazing.

I've been a shit to him haven't I?

OP posts:

Vthirtyone · 19/03/2017 12:47

No you haven't been a shit to him. It'seems incredibly boring having to do the thinking and planning for family time and he needs to show more enthusiasm. My OH was exactly the same when my 2 were the same sort of age, it does get easier. We are now able to do things that all of us enjoy like bike rides, cinema trips etc rather than solely child focused things that you are limited to when they are young. You are right to pull him up on it. Good luck xx

foxyloxy78 · 19/03/2017 12:53

It's good that you stood your ground. He'll be more forthcoming with ideas I'm sure.

Mikethenight2good · 19/03/2017 12:54

Oh god op, same here! Drives me insane. I don't really enjoy the weekends when the weather is pants as we are all on top of each other. I have been tempted to walk out a few times.
If it helps, we have one fun active day and one lazy day. We are both tired from the week and if TV iPad is over used, well hey, the kids are active the other 6 days, we all need a break.

user1471545174 · 19/03/2017 12:56

Do you both work full time? If he is the FT worker that can really cramp decision- making, spontaneity or even the desire to leave the house at all at weekends - and he's already been out today.

EnormousTiger · 19/03/2017 12:58

There is no reason you shouldn't go out on your own. We often did one parent had the children alone on Saturdays and the other on Sundays. It can work really well. You know you have that day to yourself to read, go out, do work or whatever.

So just stay out or in a cafe reading the paper until the child needs breastfeeding.

BlueFolly · 19/03/2017 12:59

So one sweet text and you're supposed to come back smiling? Words are cheap, see what he actually does first.

Despairbunny · 19/03/2017 13:00

What I used to do when my (x)h was like this (not saying you shld LTB but just was where our relationship went) was just take the kids & go out. My dc are closer in age though.

It's totally unfair for you to have to do all the planning though, especially with such a young baby to look after. Presumably you're still doing night feeds etc?

I don't think you've been a shit to him, weekends with young children can be pure torture sometimes, especially if you don't have a garden to chuck them at.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 19/03/2017 13:02

I don't like the way you point out "he got on really well with DS" as though that earns him Brownie points or something.

That's his job!

He's meant to get on with his son and to make an effort.

Is he always miserable or snappy with him? Or too often at least?

HecateAntaia · 19/03/2017 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisychain01 · 19/03/2017 13:03

Its very difficult being imaginative when you are probably (both of you) exhausted from work, caring for the DC and all the day to day grind. Your idea to do gardening projects is fab. Hold onto the idea! It gets everyone outside in the fresh air creating and learning.

But it is awful weather out there today, even for a hardy gardener like me. It's blowing a gale so perhaps chose another day when it is at least a bit calmer.

He does need to step up to the plate but maybe he just isn't blessed with the imagination. As long as he is pulling his weight in terms of caring duties, realistically it may not get you anywhere keep expecting him to come up with ideas.

Maybe involve him so he isn't off the hook, by both of you sitting at the computer and Google some ideas, make a list and vote. The internet is the tool for the job!

Despairbunny · 19/03/2017 13:03

I don't like the way you point out "he got on really well with DS" as though that earns him Brownie points or something.

Jonesy, that's a good point & something I meant to say too (but got distracted by the cat).

ClarePearBear · 19/03/2017 13:03

Totally understand this situation. In terms of other ideas for the weekend during winter, one thing that has worked for us is to go swimming. Could your DH take your DS in the pool whilst you and DD watch from a viewing deck or sit in a cafe?

Original poster

LittleLionMansMummy · 19/03/2017 13:05

That's the thing though user he has a low boredom threshold and isn't one to sit around doing nothing all day (unless he's ill!) He enjoys getting out and about and gets incredibly frustrated when he's stuck at home with nothing to occupy his time. I'm happy doing either. Ordinarily we both work ft but I'm on mat leave till September. And to be honest as I'm at home with dd every day (I get out with her but you know what I mean) then I like to do stuff together at weekends. I wasn't suggesting a 10 mile hike, just a bit of gardening (which he usually loves doing!)

OP posts:

TheVeryThing · 19/03/2017 13:07

What has working full time got to do with it?
We struggle a bit at weekends too, but it is the kids doing the whining. It's hard to find a balance between chores, activity and relaxing.
I don't blame you for being pissed off. Can you make a rough plan on a Friday night of what you'd like to do?

Greenfingeredfun · 19/03/2017 13:08

It's not his job either jonesy - it should be something that happens naturally!!

memyselfandaye · 19/03/2017 13:12

I also thought it was odd that you had to point out that your husband got on really well with his son.

It does suggest that he does'nt usually have any patience with the child.

MycatsaPirate · 19/03/2017 13:13

Are you on fb?

Have a look at local events for the coming weeks. Make a decision together about what to do.

Look on google for local events.

It's extremely tiring have to make the decision all the time. I don't think yabu at all and I hope that this makes him realise he's acting like a knob.

It's like having an extra child.

Original poster

LittleLionMansMummy · 19/03/2017 13:14

Jonesy I suppose I mean that both of them are much happier when out and about and doing things together. They have a lot on common and in many ways are very similar and there are days in the house when they just annoy each other a lot. Yet get them outside being active, looking at nature, walking and climbing etc and they're great together. I definitely have more patience though (which he fully accepts) and this is a recurring theme. It's one of the reasons he's doing hockey with him now. He loves the bones of ds, and regularly tells him and shows him that (very demonstrative with his feelings etc) but they're just not good at being bored.

OP posts:

Littleballerina · 19/03/2017 13:19

Your weekends sound hard work. Can't you just 'be'.
Get out some age appropriate board games. Make a treasure hunt around the house. Bake together.
If he's working ft he probably wants a day that's unplanned and without rules.

Original poster

LittleLionMansMummy · 19/03/2017 13:26

I'm not sure that being unplanned and spontaneous with a baby really works Little. When we've done this it invariably frustrates everyone (and ds doesn't really do board games - as I said he's energetic). Plus, why should I have to stay in, if I've been at home with dd all week? Who says his needs trump mine, or ds's? Sorry, I know I sound defensive but I wouldn't be this frustrated of dh was content to have those kinds of weekends - he's not. But equally won't suggest what we can do instead.

OP posts:

Operation2035 · 19/03/2017 13:32

I'm happy for you that you stood up for yourself, I hope you made the most of that me time . I suggest you sit down with your hubby and write a list of ideas for fun things to do. You could even plan for the next few weekends, but sitting down together and picking some activities might make the situation calm down. If it's planned, he is less likely to get stressed over things like the weather because he knows it's coming. Also, I've got a list of rainy day activities that we can all do if it's a bit miserable outside. Maybe have a mooch around on Pinterest for some ideas? Hope you're feeling better xx

JonesyAndTheSalad · 19/03/2017 13:33

Why don't you begin to spend more time doing your thing OP? What has worked for DH and I is that he will sometimes take one child and I will take the other so it's a bit easier.

Remember, your DD is still tiny and that's not only knackering and more likelt to mean short tempers but also that youv'e not had much time to get used to being a family of four yet.

cheersbye · 19/03/2017 13:36

It does sound frustrating and tedious. One practical suggestion is to firstly agree that it's better for the family if you all get out and about, and then make a list of all the options. DH and I are often stuck for ideas, so have put them on a big list then we take it in turns to choose from there. It is spoonfeeding him, but it does depersonalise the decision in the moment, which removes some of the frustration. We have a similar list of indoor activities for rainy days.

HazelBite · 19/03/2017 13:43

We have been married for 40 years (adult DC's) I still get "what are we doing today?" "Where are we going on holiday" I am expected to arrange and decide on everything. It can be wearing!
I think OP that much of the problem is down to the current ages of your Dc's it will get easier as they get older.
Remember they won't want to be seen with you when they are teenagers.
Calm down, go home and apologise for your temper tantrum.

Blossomdeary · 19/03/2017 13:45

I have been married for 47 years - 3 children, now all married with families.

In all that time my OH has NEVER suggested any sort of outing, and reacts negatively - or at least luke-warmly to anything suggested.

The only way to cope is to accept that this is his way and just get on and organise stuff: "I'm going to the garden centre with the children and then coming back and getting out in the garden." "I have booked tickets for us all for XYZ." (he will enjoy it when he gets there! - my OH always does).

I came to the conclusion that he couldn't be good at everything and that, just as he accepts my limitations, I accept his. He thinks I am a mad whirlwind of activity and quite bonkers!

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