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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have just walked out on the family

48 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 19/03/2017 12:40

Because dh is never proactive about suggesting things we can do as a family at weekends. It's always me. He'd rather moan and whinge about three weather/ not having anything to do.

I will be going back at some stage today, but I've had enough - every weekend right now is the same.

A bit of background. We have a 6yo ds and 4 month old dd. Ds is lovely, but quite high energy (or if not doing anything will just sit and watch TV or play or the tablet). Dh gets frustrated in both situations - ds is either throwing himself around the house hyped up, hanging around bored, or has his nose in technology. It can be a little wearing during the winter as i'm sure many can relate to. So we resolved to get out of the house more, which is fine in principle.

However dd obviously needs naps and feeds, so whatever we do has to incorporate her needs obviously. Yesterday I suggested a walk at the local country park. Dh wasn't exactly bowling me over with enthusiasm but we got out and had a lovely few hours. Dh and ds got on really well together and we worked well around dd's need for sleep (in the buggy) and feeds (at the cafe).

We woke up this morning and almost immediately dh began snapping at ds for various reasons. He took him out for a couple of hours for hockey, so I thought I'd think of something to do this afternoon as a family to stop us all tripping over each other inside. Thought we could go shopping for some gardening stuff and all get involved in the garden, tidying, planting etc. Dh's response: "It's freezing out there." No other suggestion of course, just negativity. So at this point I took umbrage and it turned into an argument. This is the second weekend running this has happened. He's not happy doing nothing in the house, but incapable of suggesting alternatives that take account of all our needs. It's so bloody wearing. I've ended up walking out on him and the kids and told him to tell me when he decides what he wants to do or when dd needs feeding (I'm breastfeeding) and I'll join him but until then I'm staying away. Childish perhaps, but I don't like arguing in front of the kids and I'm currently parked up crying in frustration. He's such a fucking mood hoover.

He sent me a really sweet text after I left and I'm afraid I was so angry and frustrated that my response wasn't very kind in return. I explained how I feel (which I tried earlier but communication isn't calm and reasonable when we argue) and told him I was pleased I'm not seeing him next Saturday (I'm taking dd to London). Now I feel awful and guilty. He unsurprisingly has to replied.

Honestly he's a lovely man, but not always blessed with positivity or being proactive. But he adores me and the kids and 99% of the time is amazing.

I've been a shit to him haven't I?

OP posts:

Glitterkitten24 · 19/03/2017 13:47

It's similar in our house, it's always me who plans days out or something to do with the kids. If I don't plan anything, we would sit in the house for the full weekend, getting crabbier with each other and moaning at the kids for being bonkers and full of pent up energy! 😒

JustSpeakSense · 19/03/2017 13:53

I have just done the same, I will be back at some point today.

DH decided to pop into the office, and has stayed all day catching up on work...left me with a dirty house, grumpy teenagers, dog to walk, shopping delivery arriving, a pile of laundry.

I've had enough, I've come to the shops for a browse and a coffee, I told him to get home to walk the dog and feed his kids (tbf they have been feeding themselves all day which is why the kitchen is a tip) I'm sick of being overlooked and treated like the maid....I don't feel like going back.

anothermalteserplease · 19/03/2017 14:03

Swimming is a great idea. You can all do that then baby should hopefully sleep well afterwards. Going to the park for a kick about is good too.
I understand your frustration at wanting to get out as a family. And I know my 6 year old is better when she's been out and burned energy. But it's also really important for everyone to have some down time too. When I was working FT when we'd only the 2 dc I know I needed some unstructured time at home to relax too.

GreenPeppers · 19/03/2017 14:24

You did. Right.
DH has been the same when the dcs wreevthat age. It got better as they got older and they were able to do the thingsHE really enjoyed (rather than similar things iyswim - so going for a walk in the countryside rather than going for a walk in a park)
The other thing that worked is to put the responsibility on his shoulders and leave him dealing with the dcs at weeksituation mds. He had to find things to do rather than relying on me and then have a go because it ndidnt quite fit his ways o it didn't go as planned.
Giving him the responsibility meant he also was responsible when it didn't go well and he had no one to blame.(harder to do when yu are around and you need to fend off comments on how it's boring, too cold or whatever and if you were also the one to give a solution)

I would be careful about saying 'well he just can't do that sort of thinngs'
I would imagine that yu R DH is able to organise stuff when he is at work. He should also be able to make do with the different abilities of the people he is working with. And as a father, he should know what his dcs are able to or not able to do.
That means he should be able to do that (I'm always amazed at how mothers always seem to be able to manage that but fathers don't ).

Falafelings · 19/03/2017 14:28

Why couldn't you and Ds do
Gardening?

You'd already find one family thing and it's nice to potter round the house with various things

holeinmyheart · 19/03/2017 14:36

Your baby is only four months old so you both must be dog tired.
I think you need to take a look at yourself and your DH and the relationship that you have, but take your tiredness into consideration as well. Lack of sleep usually makes a mountain out of a molehill.

Is there any chance also that perhaps subconsciously you chose him because he allowed you to take the lead? Presumably you knew him before, and loved him and married him for his qualities.
If he is laid back and easy going and you are a 'goer' and need to be organising etc, things will not be easy.
I think walking away from your family, instead of sitting down and talking things over is childish, as you say, but it is understandable given your situation. But it is not really solving anything is it ? It will just encourage hurt and resentment all round.
I am sure that any scenes are not enacted in front of your 6 year old as well, as they will be making him frightened.
You sound like an intelligent person, please try and calm down and look at at yourself and your partner in a more rational way.
What do you want ?
How can you both make changes to your relationship so that you are all happier?
If the willingness is there, you will be fine.

Littleballerina · 19/03/2017 14:39

Why can you not do unplanned and spontaneous with a baby? It's the best time to be like that especially if breastfeeding.

pocketsaviour · 19/03/2017 14:40

He sounds like me, age 7 or 8, whining at my mum at weekends, "I'm booooored, what can I doooooo?" like it was her job to magically make it stop raining, or provide some form of entertainment.

I grew out of this around the age of 10, so perhaps there is hope for your DH yet?!

deblet · 19/03/2017 14:45

When I have been out all week at work the last thing I want to do is be an events planner for the weekend. I want to laze about with my kindle. When I was at home looking after the kids I wanted to go out weekends because I needed to escape the four walls. Its not difficult to compromise really. One day you go out and organise and one day at home no organisation and just chill. We spent yesterday doing bits on the house and out and about so today hubby bunged a stew in the slow cooker and we are all lazing about. Stew for dinner and a movie night tonight. Kids are on computers all day but they were taught we have been working hard all week so need a day off.

FarAwayHills · 19/03/2017 14:46

Just hold on OP hopefully better weather will be on the way soon making it easier to get out even if it's just going to the park or pottering in the garden. Make sure you have some time to yourself also. We are at the stage when I crave a less action packed weekend. Both DCs do activities that take up lots of time and if it's not this it's parties or sleepovers. After a week of work and rushing about I just want to snuggle on the sofa but no chance.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/03/2017 14:56

A nice text followed by a response of "Oh ok darling" and you going home might stop the row but it doesnt actually achieve anything.

You making it very clear that you are massively pissed off and a grovelling text wont change that, is more likely to make a difference. Its not being a shit to someone, its showing just how much his negativity affects you and the children and that it has to stop.

And why shouldnt you be happy that you dont have to deal with the same shit next weekend? Who wants a groundhog day of moaning and whinging from a grown man?

Brighteyes27 · 19/03/2017 15:42

I understand your frustration I have been chief activity planner and party leader ever since DH and I got together and with DC's who are now 12 and 13. Most weekends they usually have a day each doing things with friends but this weekend they haven't and we've all got on each other's nerves. The weather has been rubbish, we now have a dog to factor in and my enthusiasm for planning and organising with less than enthusiastic people has well and truly given up and gone off.

AngelThursday · 19/03/2017 15:54

Why do you all need to go out together? How about you go out with DS and he stays home with your DD. That way everyone's needs are met

arethereanyleftatall · 19/03/2017 15:57

I think it sounds like you're focussing so much on having family time, as in the 4 of you together, that it isn't fun for anyone.
Family time doesn't work for our family, never has, too many opposing interests and needs. So we split up, one adult and one child each, or 1 adult and 2 children so other adult gets me time. Works for us.

TheNaze73 · 19/03/2017 16:01

I think you both need to compromise. He sounds too laid back & you sound like you can't go with the flow & are maybe a bit rigid.

FaFoutis · 19/03/2017 16:02

You haven't been a shit OP, it sounds more than justified to me.

One of the reasons my life is less than happy is because my DH plans nothing ever, or even raises any idea that might turn into a plan. 3 children and 25 years later I am utterly bored and exhausted with it.

HermioneJeanGranger · 19/03/2017 16:27

Why not do separate things? He took DS out this morning, so why don't you take him out this afternoon, and DH can have some time with DD?

I always find that forced activities end up in resentment and arguments. "Family time" is much better when it's spontaneous and natural - eg. you start gardening, a DC comes out to play with you, and eventually DH and another DC join in and play/talk together. Turfing everyone out in the garden on a grey, windy day is never going to be successful!

I understand your frustration with the lack of suggestions, but maybe he'd rather just chill and do things spontaneously? If he works all week, he probably doesn't want his weekends to be structured as well.

Original poster

LittleLionMansMummy · 19/03/2017 16:44

Thanks all for the practical suggestions.

I stayed out and treated myself to some lunch and went home just before I thought dd would need feeding. All was very calm, dh was building a train track with ds and dd was fast asleep in her cot. Dh had also done ds's reading with him which needed doing before tomorrow. So that's one less job for this evening!

We had a very calm and civil conversation. He's made a couple of suggestions for the next 2 weekends if the weather is fine, but did say he struggles when the weather is bad and quite understandably doesn't want to go and sit in a soft play area just because it's raining (neither do I!) I also agree with others that we don't have to do everything together. He does cycling and judo and i want to start running again when the weather improves so i also get some me time.

However I do like to do things with ds at weekends as he's at school/ cm all week so I don't see him much. I'm fairly limited with time away from dd as she's still reliant on me for feeds. Also, we do actually enjoy all the outdoor stuff we do together, the issue is the time we spend in the house when the weather is crap.

He admitted that planning is not his forte and asserted that many men are the same. But I did say that isn't a reason not to try and it's the negativity which is quite wearing more than anything. I need him to understand that it's hard for me too to think of things to do outside the home that incorporate time for feeds and sleep for dd.

We ended up going to b&q to look at some ideas for the garden for when the weather improves. The air needed clearing and I think we've achieved that. We're all just impatient for springtime to start!

OP posts:

FaFoutis · 19/03/2017 16:51

He admitted that planning is not his forte and asserted that many men are the same.
Don't let him get away with that shit. Planning is not my forte either, nor is cooking or responsibility for 3 other lives but you have little choice when nobody else does it.
Having a penis does not make a person incapable of planning.

GreenPeppers · 19/03/2017 16:58

He admitted that planning is not his forte and asserted that many men are the same.
Hmm that would annoy me BUT well done to have actually moved forward with that.

Please just be careful that now that he has stated a few proposals for the next weekend (but only if the weather is nice...) he needs
1- to keep proposing and
2- to also propose stuff to do when the weather isn't as great.
I appreciate his dislike of soft play areas. However I still went to some of them when the dcs were little because that's what was right for them.
Sometimes, yu do need to suck it up as a parent! And the bad weather will always be there so the issue isn't going to go away.

TeenAndTween · 19/03/2017 17:13

When ours were younger, swimming was always a great option for getting out of the house when it was raining.

littledinaco · 19/03/2017 21:40

I know this isn't what you asked, but have you tried feeding your DD in a sling? If you can manage this, it means you don't have to plan anything around her sleep/feed times as she can just feed and sleep as you go in the sling. Can make going out and about with older DC so much easier.

Original poster

LittleLionMansMummy · 20/03/2017 08:15

We do go swimming quite a lot - I actually enjoy that more than dh does, but we've taken dd too fairly recently which was good. Dh got out early with dd and I stayed in with ds.

little I have a sling which I used with dd till she was around 12 weeks but never fed her in it. She's now a little too heavy for me to carry around in it for long and she's no longer as happy in it anyway as she feels restricted by it. She's put herself in a 3 nap daily routine which is fairly reliable in terms of timings, so we try to coincide journey times with her sleeping in her car seat or out and about in the buggy where (other than her cot) she tends to sleep really well. She's begun being quite fussy during feeds on the left boob so I normally have to find somewhere reasonably calm to keep latching her back on.

OP posts:

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