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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have wondered if I was dead?

52 replies

Twirlbitesruinedmylife · 19/03/2017 00:18

I had a bad car accident and was lucky to escape with only minor injuries. In the days that followed I became troubled by the thought that either I might not have left the car and might now be in the last moments of life imaging the life I would have had or that I was dead and was just imaging being alive. I mentioned this to my mother and a psychologist who both reacted as though I was nuts.
I had a young child at the time and was frightened that if I pursued things she might be taken away. I googled it and found nothing helpful. Eventually I came to a place where I realised my life was just too mundane to be the product of the imagination.
But I just wondered if others had ever experienced this or knew anyone who had?

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 19/03/2017 00:20

Mind = blown

BeachyKeen · 19/03/2017 00:22

Well, it was the plot of a few books and movies in the 90s so not a total shock that it stuck in your mind.
I hope you are feeling better now

BlossomCat · 19/03/2017 00:22

It sounds like an extreme reaction to a stressful event, and you trying to make sense of the fact that you came out relatively unscathed.

Have you thought about having any counselling to talk through the trauma?

NuffSaidSam · 19/03/2017 00:23

All through my childhood I used to worry that I was really my much younger self dreaming of my future. I worried I'd wake up and be 3 again and have to do all the growing up again. It's just a weird mind thing. I don't think it's surprising given the traumatic experience you had.

user1489189598 · 19/03/2017 00:23

sounds like you're dealing with trauma. Google PTSD.

FWIW I was raped when I was 19. It wasn't a "horrible" rape (not in an ally by a stranger...it was the boyfriend of a housemate in a shared house and in my bed. But I was properly pinned down and he knew I didn't consent). Is there a 'nice' rape????

I used to just tell the 'story' of it aloud to myself when I was alone. For years. That was my healing. I just told it and told it and told it. This isn't advice, it's just what I did.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/03/2017 00:28

I had a bad car accident two years ago and had similar thoughts Flowers

I was diagnosed with ptsd about eight months later and had cbt that has helped a lot but I don't think I'll ever be 'cured'. It might be worth a chat with your gp to see if you can access counselling or cbt.

Original poster
Twirlbitesruinedmylife · 19/03/2017 00:28

So sorry to hear about your experience user.

Never pursued counselling because of the psychologist's reaction - she was adamant this wasn't within the range of expected experience and was only open to the idea that I had suffered a brain injury.
I was so scared by her reaction that I have never told anyone since and just wanted to know if anyone else had felt that way. Thanks Nuff for sharing something similar.

OP posts:
IAmNoAngel · 19/03/2017 00:31

I have had this, also after a bad car accident. It lasted for about 18 months! All throughout physio, mri and counselling i would wonder if it was real. I didn't tell anyone because it sounds crazy. It went after my injuries healed properly and my life started feeling normal again.

Original poster
Twirlbitesruinedmylife · 19/03/2017 00:31

Thanks Atruth looks like I probably went to the wrong psychologist.

OP posts:
RiverdaleJughead · 19/03/2017 00:36

What decade was this .. psychologists in the 60/70s were scary mental bastards who had no idea what they were doing .. even into the 80s I imagine some traditionalists remained

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/03/2017 00:40

Sounds like it. Don't let that put you off. I actually saw three different therapists. The first one was good for the initial trauma and for helping me know how to support the dc through their shock but I couldn't afford to keep paying him. The second was arranged via the NHS but useless so I went back to my gp who rereferred me to a third, amazing one. I'd definitely recommend 'shopping around'.

kitnkaboodle · 19/03/2017 00:44

Have you googled disassociation? Isn't that what it is? Can be caused by drugs/trauma etc. Doesn't always last. I have slight experience of it. Sorry - sounds like you spoke to a crap psychologist at the time ..

keeplooking · 19/03/2017 00:44

Solipsism syndrome is a condition similar to that which you experienced, from the sound of it, op.

nakedscientist · 19/03/2017 00:49

OP My husband nearly died in intensive care in hospital in 2013. He recovered but had thoughts like this which have become less frequent and less convincing as time has passed.
What an ignorant psychologis! It's probably worth seeking help again from someone else.

FlorisApple · 19/03/2017 00:52

The novel Bliss by Peter Carey is about this, although the main character believes he has woken up in hell. It's a great novel and might be worth a read.

kateandme · 19/03/2017 01:04

a way to cope.put yourself out of yourself maybe.take it easy.get some food and nutrition in.level things out.good cuppa.a still night snuggled up and take care over the next few days
I'm surprised at your reaction from mum.if it continues talk to doc?someone else you trust.make sure you don't lock it in.its obviously your mind is really struggling to process this.locking it in will lead to trouble.ptsd etc. get it out.share.let someone else have the burden with you and straighten it aaaaall out.
itl be ok.nig hugs.xx

Itsnotwhatitseems · 19/03/2017 01:05

not the same but similar, when I was a child I had thoughts that my life was like a show and no one but me existed and that I was being watched wherever I went, I clearly remember on one occasion being in the garden thinking I can do anything as I am protected by so many people watching over me. I no longer think like this but I have very strong memories of how I felt at the time.

Potentialpoochowner · 19/03/2017 01:07

A similar thing happened to me when I gave birth to my first child. The layout was very very long with pain that couldn't be managed in spite of shed loads of drugs. Towards the end I thought I had died in childbirth and my eternity was to be spent in the hell of endless childbirth pain. When that belief took hold of me it was as if my mind was a mirror that had smashed into a thousand pieces. The hospital psychiatrist who I spoke to afterwards said I had suffered an 'acute stress reaction', whatever the chuff that is.

You sound as if you are thinking logically about your experience whilst still being troubled about it. I hope you find some resolution to it.

Potentialpoochowner · 19/03/2017 01:08

Oh, I had my second child by planned c section! No way was I ever going to risk experiencing that again.

tipsytrifle · 19/03/2017 01:18

I've been to "other places" and glimpsed what might be termed options in on-going life. I think that your psychologist was wrong to make you feel wrong. I happen to believe in multi-dimensional stuff and the will of the individual to choose where they log back into, so to speak. Make up your own mind, OP. Not always wise to share with those quick to say "shut it all down and be normal again." The cause may well be a brain jolt via accident or whatever but it is a mind shift. Trust your self.

SilverBirchWithout · 19/03/2017 01:33

I've experienced something similar twice after extreme stressful events many years ago
The first when my son was taken to hospital under blue lights with suspected meningitis. After he recovered I kept thinking he had died and I had lost my mind and was just imagining he was still alive. It was a very scary time and I was too scared to tell anyone what I was thinking.
After a couple of years I had a complete breakdown and during it thought I had never had a baby at all and everyone was just humouring me.
I had treatment for anxiety depression and a very helpful period of counselling, I guess it was a type of ptsd.
Do go to your GP and seek out counselling again, it sounds like your first psychologist was very poor.

TyrionLannisterforKing · 19/03/2017 01:56

Just knowing what you are thinking is unreasonable is a great thing. I remember, in my teenage years, I developed a strong aversion to all kinds of Gods because I was sure I was being watched all the time, and thus I lived in tears wondering what each of my actions could bring.

I told a (private!) psychologist about it. She said "snap out of it". Needless to say, I didn't go back there.

However, I still think sometimes that what I am experiencing isn't real, and that I have some sort of brain damage that makes all people around me just reply in a reasonable way to humor me. It doesn't affect me much other than making me bite my lips to make sure they are closed while I am thinking.

Back to your case, it isn't crazy. I hate that word, by the way. And the therapist you saw is ridiculous and should be ashamed of having a license. I remembered a specific episode of Hannibal in which a patient had Cotard Delusion. Not that I, as a non-doctor, think you would have it, as you mention having doubts.

Choccywoccyhooha · 19/03/2017 02:13

As a child I was covinced that I was dead and that as "Heaven is whatever you most want it to be" then this was my Heaven -ordinary life just as it wold hAve been, wit all its ups and downs. I used to try to think back to when I must have died to try to figure it out. I think as I got to my mid-teens I realised that it was most likely that I was really alive, i'm still not 100% convinced though.

LouisevilleLlama · 19/03/2017 02:18

My anxiety has made me think hmm if anything happened would I ever know ? Like say I died but woke up like nothing happened so I carry on like normal but my family etc that i knew think im dead but I still have abs think they're the same people.

Also I don't get out much but when I do I'm not religious but I see people or objects and think about the odds of somebody actually just making it and sometimes I'm amazed at how nice say a road sign looks which sounds weird but it's uplifting

Schwifty · 19/03/2017 05:50

Wow you pps have seen some shitty psychologists! I hope you all find peace.

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