To have wondered if I was dead?

[Twirlbitesruinedmylife]

I had a bad car accident and was lucky to escape with only minor injuries. In the days that followed I became troubled by the thought that either I might not have left the car and might now be in the last moments of life imaging the life I would have had or that I was dead and was just imaging being alive. I mentioned this to my mother and a psychologist who both reacted as though I was nuts.
I had a young child at the time and was frightened that if I pursued things she might be taken away. I googled it and found nothing helpful. Eventually I came to a place where I realised my life was just too mundane to be the product of the imagination.
But I just wondered if others had ever experienced this or knew anyone who had?

I had a similar feeling of not being in my body/watching life from outside after a recent tragic bereavement of a young family member. It was a really horrible feeling. I'm pretty sure as previous posters said it's disassociation due to ptsd. It's very common after an extremely traumatic event.

I really can't understand how people like your previous psychologist manage to get, let alone keep, their licences. When has being told you're nuts or get a grip ever helped anyone get over normal unpleasant life results, let alone trauma?! Seriously these psychologists are dangerous and shouldn't be working with vulnerable people (not saying you're vulnerable normal but trauma can have a devastating effect).

A counsellor or psychotherapist with specialism in treating trauma should help you. The BACP website has loads of private counsellors. Look for someone who both emphasises empathy and experience in treating trauma. If you feel in the first session they're not right for you (they don't establish a rapport with you, for instance) then don't go back. The relationship with your therapist is the most important factor in getting better because trust is so important.

Definitely wrong psychologist!! I haven't been through such a trauma but totally understood what you said, you're probably trying to figure things out, you're brain is going into a what happened and outcome possibility mode

I can guarantee though that you've written this, I'm a stranger, definitely alive, and I've read your message - you're definitely on our mortal coil!!

When I was 6, I was nearly swept out to sea on a hot but windy day at Alum Bay on the Isle of Wight. My auntie managed to get hold of me just in time though one of my jelly shoes was taken by the sea.

That evening lying in bed, looking at the bunk above me I was sure that I was dead and this was some kind of next-life that I was experiencing. As it was 30 years ago now and I was so young, I can't remember exactly how it felt or why I thought that but it lasted for a good few years afterwards. I never told anybody about it.

The next day, walking along the same beach my jelly shoe suddenly swept out of the sea and into our path on the beach. So some good news!

Your psychologist was clearly pretty dim as this is called existential anxiety.

I've thought alsorts like that, was scary

Sorry didn't RTFT, but I had a slightly similar experience. My DD fell down a ravine in the Lake District. She survived in fact she was absolutely fine, but the only way I could understand it was that we had set off in a parallel existence and in another reality she was dead or paralysed.
Anyway, I'm a psychologist and I don't think you're nuts.

Sounds like you might not have seen someone with the right expertise? Psychology as a term covers a lot of brain function & behaviour so a psychologist isn't necessarily an expert in mental health. That might explain why the person talked in terms of brain injury rather than trauma reactions. You'd be better seeing a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist or trauma therapist. If you speak to GP I'd be wary of accepting referral to a community depression & anxiety service, it will be too basic for your needs. You'll need to press upon them that you want an assessment by a higher tier service. The treatments for trauma are often very effective. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) for example. You could google NICE guidelines on PTSD to see what care should be considered in your treatment. Good luck

I was referred to a pschologist recently and was talking about a previous relationship where I had been gaslighted. He just looked at me and asked 'Why would anyone want to behave like that?'

I was

I said it was called gaslighting and he seemed interested and after I explained a bit more didn't seem to disbelieve me, but I was shocked he was dealing with people who were struggling, but hadn't come across it.

Luckily, like you OP, I have Mumsnet now! I wish I'd had it all those years ago when I really thought I was going mad.

I don't have experience of this but I can imagine feeling that way. The mind can do all sorts of weird stuff. When my youngest son was a newborn baby I really thought he was going to die - I knew a work colleague who had got pregnant when we'd been going through (at that time unsuccessful) IVF treatment and I'd felt jealous of her and then her baby died at 6 weeks old. I had some odd idea that my jealousy had caused that (I know) and that my baby would die too. I knew (like you) that those thoughts weren't real but they were intrusive and they definitely bothered me (I was obsessed with the idea my baby wasn't gaining weight and regular weigh-ins didn't convince me). I didn't see a psychiatrist but I was treated by the perinatal psychiatric service and my nurse described it as 'magical thinking'. Like I say, the mind can do odd things.

Please try again to speak to a professional about this because it sounds like it's bothering you.

The first thing I thought when I read this was PTSD as others have said.

You can't underestimate the effect of a trauma like this. You've been shown how fragile life is and I'd say that that is why you're thinking these things. I would definitely seek therapy to help you come to terms with it.

In terms of what our reality is, none of us can really know the exact nature of our existence because we rely on our senses for everything. But it does come down to 'I think, therefore I am' imo....

Constantly wondered as a child if I was dreaming, and would wake up as a five yr old. Used to try to think of ways to be sure....

I don't think the thoughts themselves are indicative of PTSD, MH problems. As far as I'm aware thinking existential thoughts, pondering reality etc is part of a normal healthy mind. Most people do it but it seems so insignificant it passes without much recall. However after a traumatic experience or during an anxiety state we are sensitised due to shock or stress, the cycle begins of reacting more acutely and the thoughts can become a problem due to the distress they cause, not because they are a sign of madness. Treatment for any intrusive thought is to let yourself have it, don't judge yourself and whatever the 'what if' may be, decide whatever. Don't need to figure it out etc. There are some great articles online by great specialists who understand obsessive thinking.

Nobody is saying that ptsd is 'a sign of madness' why would you stigmatise it that way?

I was involved in a very bad car accident at the age of 18. I obviously had blacked out and during that I was visited by people from outer space who told me that I must come with them. I was very happy to do so and they zoomed me into space - it was the most wonderful feeling ever. I was so happy and so elated. However, I was then told that I had to go back, that it wasn't my time and that they would give me a brief look at what would have happened if the car had not smashed into us on a head on collision. It lasted but a mere brief nanoseconds. I was turning to my brother and saying to him that was a close shave. Then I woke up. And immediately went into shock. I had severe bruising to my face, plus cuts, and my pelvis was broken. Bizarrely, a nurse appeared, she was one of those people who had taken me to space. She lived in the houses next to the road. She calmed me down and told me that the ambulance was on the way. The firemen arrived too and cut me out of the car. The man in charge was also one of those who had taken me to outer space. When I got to the hospital, a doctor accompanied my mum, and she was also the third person who took me. It was shocking to me that these people whom I'd never seen before had been in my blackout dream before they arrived. But maybe my mind was playing tricks with me. Or maybe I did see the future.

I still don't sit behind a driver in the back seat when in a car.

i had a near miss quite recently but when i went to sleep i had the same thought, I was imagining being alive

Nobody is saying that ptsd is 'a sign of madness' hmm why would you stigmatise it that way?

How on earth did you mistake what i said as me mistaking a normal healthy thought as calling PTSD madness? Did you actually read my post? I suggest you read it again hmm.

However many on this post have had psychologists make them feel a bit that way due to lack of understanding in the area. My point was thinking thoughts about reality etc are not indicative of a MH struggle. They are normal thoughts, but due to trauma, shock or stress the individual may struggle to let them go as their internal stress response is hyper reactive. They can obsess, fight their thoughts and this is when it becomes hard to forget them. As the adrenal system/amygdala sensitises to the 'idea' and it flashes into conciousness way more often. The sufferer may then be alarmed at the regular occurrence of the thought, cue more stress response and the cycle is created.

A type of Derealisation?

However after a traumatic experience or during an anxiety state we are sensitised due to shock or stress, the cycle begins of reacting more acutely and the thoughts can become a problem due to the distress they cause, not because they are a sign of madness. Treatment for any intrusive thought is to let yourself have it, don't judge yourself and whatever the 'what if' may be, decide whatever.

Are you a therapist? You write quite assertively, as if you are, but some of your comments seem to be stigmatising mental health issues here- almost saying 'give your head a wobble, get on with it' and suggesting that 'signs of madness' are a bad thing (or something we can control).

In my case, that simply wasn't possible. About six months after our car accident, my husband's life was normal. The accident - to him - was 'something that happened'. My life was not. The accident was still current. I relived it constantly. The intrusive thoughts controlled my life as were having a negative impact on everything. I tried 'letting myself have them', I tried blocking them, but without professional help I couldn't manage them.

I did have a mental health problem. That's ok. If I'd had a problem with my physical health I'd have gone to my gp so I took my mental health problems to see her too. If I'd found a lump on my boob or broken my leg, I wouldn't have 'decided whatever' so I wasn't going to ignore my mental health either. I'm not 'cured' but I have strategies for managing now.

OP, it sounds like your accident was some time ago and is still bothering you. A chat with your gp and a hunt for a better therapist might be a good idea. Good luck

I x posted with you @funnyonion17 but I also thought you were stigmatising mental health issues, and I don't think your second post is much more helpful. Yes, intrusive thoughts are 'normal' after a traumatic experience, but if they are still occurring some time after the accident then professional help will be needed. Your posts - whether you intend this or not - seem to suggest that sufferers should take control of the thoughts themselves - but they can't. If that isn't what you meant, what are you suggesting people suffering from intrusive thoughts do?

I still don't know to this day the exact injuries I suffered. I seem to recall that I had broken ribs too, but I am now wondering, after decades, if this was due to having my heart restarted. I do remember being told that I couldn't fall asleep (and being extremely irritated by that). I may actually request my records from that event. I would like to read them. I did go through the process of compensation for the accident, which at 18 and going on to university was to me a pita at the time. I just wanted to get on with my life.

I'm on a clinical pathway in this area. Feeling 'dead' is a relatively new phenomenon from what I remember. If you feel like that all the time, then yes it's a worry. If fleeting feelings, then it's likely trauma rooted in the psychological aspect rather than neurological issues. Therapy should help if it continues. Good luck OP x

Nihilistic delusions (believing you are dead) can happen when you are depressed. Going to your gp to discuss this will absolutely NOT result in any services like ss getting involved unless you are actively suicidal or putting you or dd at risk of serious harm, which you are not.

OP, I know this.

My dd nearly died after giving birth. For a long time afterwards she thought she was dead, and I thought she was dead, and she also for a while thought her baby was dead, even though we could see and hear each other perfectly well and knew we were present.

It took a while to readjust.

Thanks for all your comments. Although I'm sorry others have had these kind of thoughts too I'm glad I'm not unique - that has really made me feel better about having had these thoughts. I no longer feel this way so don't think I need help anymore.

I've had PTSD and a lot of depersonalisation/depression and this sort of existential anxiety is really frequent for me, especially when I come off any medication.

It concerns me that any psychologist would react that way - surely they'd want your money at the very least?! Persevere, though. The right therapist can be a little hard to find but when you do it makes a huge difference. Don't sit on this and feel bad all the time

After I was raped when I was 11, I convinced myself I was dead. I went through a couple of years at secondary school convinced my 'mind' was living my life as it was supposed to but my body wasn't real.

My parents were so worried about me at the time as my mum said looking back I just 'wasn't there'.

I had something similar after my exH kicked the crap out of me & sexually assaulted me really badly one night. The next day I took my DC's to a fair and I vividly remember watching them on a bouncy castle and thinking I was dead and watching them from afar and worrying about them not having a mother now I was dead.

I'm a psychologist now and I thonk it was disassociation. It's a really good trick the mind plays, to deaden the trauma. The feelings of trauma would be have been so overwhelming to me, especially as an 11 year old, so to survive my mind seems to go into shut down.

The other day I was contemplating what would happen if one of my DC's died (the worst trauma I could fathom) and I suspect my brain uses disassociation from myself as a coping mechanism and thus would happen again. It's fascinating and shows us, as human beings, how little we actually know about the brain and consciousness. Hope you are okay OP.