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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if people are going to ask what I want for my birthday

57 replies

bigbluebus · 18/03/2017 12:58

I may as well go out and buy it myself.

I have a birthday coming up shortly. Not a 'special' one - no 0 on the end! For a few weeks DH has been asking me if there is anything I would like for my birthday. I can't think of anything in particular that I want or need. He has known me for 30 years, so you'd think he could think of something I might like by now.

DS (19) has just crawled out of bed to head into our small local town with a view to getting me a birthday present. He has asked me to tell him what I want. There are a very limited range of shops in town and and even bigger limit to the ones he might go in or things he might buy - eg If I said I fancy a nice item from a certain ladies clothes shop he would not go in there and choose something.

AIBU to think that if I have to think of something for them to buy me they may as well not bother as there will be no element of surprise on my birthday or they may as well give me the money and say "go and choose something you'd like".

Disclaimer: I have recently suffered a huge loss and change in my life and am already feeling a bit down which may be clouding my judgement and adding to me feeling sorry for myself.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/03/2017 13:50

I honestly wouldn't bother at all if I were them.

Original poster
bigbluebus · 18/03/2017 13:56

ladyPW I think my original post did suggest that they might as well not bother - so that would be fine!

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 18/03/2017 13:57

I'd hate people to waste a lot of money on surprises that I don't like or only half like.
I had to buy a surprise for someone last week and I hated it. When I gave it to them they seemed to like it but obviously I will never know whether they really do or not. That doesn't make me feel good. I'd rather they had something they really, really like. Then I'd feel good about giving a nice present.

We are all different. Perhaps your DH feels the same as me and doesn't appreciate your presents based on what you think he might like and enjoy.

TathitiPete · 18/03/2017 13:58

I can sympathise OP, I too have trouble thinking of nice things for myself. I actually often find lists helpful - I know, it probably sounds odd but even if there's nothing on the actual list sometimes it can jump start the imagination or segue into something much more useful.

So with that in mind maybe something from the following list will be helpful:

Really nice mug/cup/cup and saucer set
Personalised wine glass
Something to make baths nicer, eg bubble bath, a bath pillow, wine glass holder
Hot water bottle and cover
Wireless headphones
Photo book - maybe a voucher to have one made up and you can choose the pictures
Voucher for a meal out/cinema

That's not a great list but maybe it might spark a better idea.

user1489189598 · 18/03/2017 13:59

I'm going to focus on this: I have recently suffered a huge loss and change in my life and am already feeling a bit down which may be clouding my judgement and adding to me feeling sorry for myself

I your loss is someone like a parent, I understand why you're feeling down and are hoping for a bit of nurturing on your b.day. So why not suggest gifts that can do that? A spa treatment/massage/pedicure/manicure a lovely fluffy item of clothing. Or something you wouldn't normally buy yourself? Some shoes which aren't practical but... dammit... are just lovely. New undies. A make up item. A houseful of flowers always really cheers me up, and they're not expensive at this time of year. Narcissi which smell gorgeous or hyacinths or something with lovely colour.
Have a think about what would be lovely for you and then make a few suggestions. That way you'll still get a surprise but also feel nurtured as well.

Happy Birthday.

triskele · 18/03/2017 14:03

I'd rather people ask than waste money on something I won't use.

Give some options so it's still some surprise.

Whileweareonthesubject · 18/03/2017 14:24

I much prefer it if people ask me for ideas. That way I can either suggest individual items I'd actually like and use, it, if I want something 'bigger'i can ask for contributions. There were about four things on my 'wish list'this year. All more expensive than I would feel asking one person to buy (so over about £30), so anyone who asked what I'd like was told I'd like cash to go towards those items. I was very luck because I was given enough money to get everything I wanted. I'm really happy with my gifts and nobody has spent their hard earned money on stuff that I won't use.

If there's nothing you want, just say so. If there is, say that too. Either way, no need to get stroppy here when people don't agree with you. As someone else said, maybe your family are too frightened of getting it wrong.

Original poster
bigbluebus · 18/03/2017 14:25

Thanks to those of you suggesting possible gifts. I will bare those in mind as I think there may be a shopping trip in the offing tomorrow with DH.
DS has just returned from town and gone straight upstairs with a rustling of bags! I assume he has managed to find something he deems suitable - he often goes for books as a default and is pretty good at choosing. His gift will be lovely as it will be a) a surprise and b) chosen by him.

I am really not difficult to please. I would be more than happy with some chocolates or a nice bottle of wine which were chosen for me.

OP posts:
unlucky83 · 18/03/2017 14:45

I think we are all different - and just because you are a couple you don't have to have the same approach to presents -you aren't identical people. Better to acknowledge that and try not to or feel disappointed or less cared for/ loved/appreciated that they aren't on exactly the same wavelength as you...
I would rather not have anything than something I didn't want or need.

DP always feels he has to give me a lots of small presents for Birthdays/Christmas - and it drives me insane - he has put thought into it but basically a lot of it is clutter.
They are mainly not practical and I like practical things. It actually makes work for me because I then need to find a way of getting rid without hurting his feelings Sad. We have talked about it and he does get less but still ... and it does makes me feel stroppy sometimes....
If there is something I want and I wouldn't buy for myself normally I ask for that - with precise details - even buy it myself sometimes so I get exactly what I want (memories of one year asking for a new tool box and DP got one I could only fit a few spanners in)
So eg one Christmas I got a footwarmer with a hot water bottle in that I really wanted but thought was too expensive for what it was. This year I got a blood pressure monitor - I need to check mine often cos of medication I take. I don't need one - I can do it for free at the GPs self assessment thing but I have to fill in a massive form and actually remember to go ...
Actually in general I would be happiest if someone did one of my 'chores' - something I normally do that I don't like doing for a week or month or something ...
DP wants clutter....so I do try and buy things like that but I find it really hard (and I will be the one who needs to get rid of it). I can pick something practical that I think he would really like and get a (disguised) lukewarm reaction....eg I got an adjustable lap table for his laptop/tablet as he likes watching things on there and messes around with cushions and bits of cardboard etc. I carefully choose the one I thought would be best, measured it up - so it fit his favourite chair etc. But he prefers his cushion/cardboard - he used it a couple of times and now it has been abandoned. (I have used it and really like it ...)
Better not to attached great significance to present buying ...

unlucky83 · 18/03/2017 14:51

I will also add that I don't like being given flowers ...I have to arrange them in a jar, top up the water, watch them die and then get rid of them and wash the vase...
or chocolates (trying to lose weight and not that keen on sweet things)
or wine (can't drink on my medication at the moment)
I know I am a nightmare really....

Cherrysoup · 18/03/2017 14:54

OK seems the majority think IABU. Next year I will make a note in my diary a few weeks before my Birthday to make sure I scour the shops for things I might like and note down the exact item, price and shop where they can be bought from. Then all my 'nearest and dearest' have to do is physically take themselves off to the shop or track it down online from their armchair

Bit pointless getting arsey when people are saying YABU when you've posted in AIBU. Just tell them what you want and if you don't know, how can they?

Original poster
bigbluebus · 18/03/2017 15:21

cherry I just wanted to point out all the effort i am clearly expected to go to for my birthday, when actually it should be a day for me to look forward to and enjoy.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 18/03/2017 15:26

Personally I don't find it hard to come up with a list of present suggestions - I am a void of unfulfilled consumer greed need. Smile

Tobuyornot99 · 18/03/2017 15:40

I saw DP looking a perfectly hideous bracelet for me, it was £200! So I asked for a Dyson cordless instead. I know it's a household item, and should be a joint purchase, but I really want one, and the way I saw it I was saving my half, £100, so I can treat myself to something if I see anything I want. I guess some people are practical and some are more emotionally driven by pressies. I imagine the Dyson will make me happier for a lot longer than a bunch of flowers (or a hideous bracelet) would.

GreatFuckability · 18/03/2017 19:17

'all the effort'.....its literally a case of saying "i like books, or crafts, or this is y favourite band" thats not an effort.your sarcastic nonsense about the price and shop etc, is just stroppy and argumentative. again, if this is because if your loss, i'm sorry for you, but really being like that is totally unnecessary.

mumontherun14 · 18/03/2017 19:24

Are there any books or authors you like? Or a magazine subscription or a membership to national trust for days out or something like that. Sounds like they would like to get you something nice they just need some steering. Could you give them a couple of general ideas but leave the specifics up to them x

CombineBananaFister · 18/03/2017 19:34

Okay, so it sounds like you've had a shit time and you're focusing on your birthday as a means for people to show they acknowledge this and they care. but it doesnt mean they dont care if they arent putting in as much physical effort/thought, they just view it more practically, dont want to waste money or be wrong.Dont take it personal
I do get it though, you're not bothered what it is - as long as they thought about it? a bag of wine gums versus a bag of smarties because they KNOW you love smarties? hope you have a lovely day. Maybe they are asking because they really think you deserve what you want and not some lame thing they'd choose?

Falafelings · 18/03/2017 19:47

Well that was an over the top response OP!

If it's really just the thought that counts, why not ask them to cook you breakfast and tea instead. Or take you out for a special day.

Seems a bit wasteful buying any old crap. Some people just don't do presents well but that doesn't reflect the relationship. I'd be more concerned with how thoughtful they were year round, not just on one day.

katienana · 18/03/2017 19:51

Just say what you want, if the effort is what matters then say wake me up at 9 with a cuppa and my favourite breakfast please, then take me out for lunch. I'd love a bath with some lovely new bath stuff, and some nice flowers. If the weather's nice then pick somewhere for a walk. It sounds like you want dh to take a bit of notice, I think it will increase the chances of success if you tell him what to do. Ok he won't have had the idea himself but you will get what you want.

GwenStaceyRocks · 18/03/2017 19:59

I agree with you.
If you choose it then it's no different from any other day, where you see something you like/want/need and you buy it.
Imo getting a gift isn't about someone saving me money by them paying for something I have picked. It's about the surprise, the thought and the effort.
I'm sorry for the loss you've experienced recently and that you are feeling deflated by the lack of effort of those closest to you. Flowers

LordPercy · 18/03/2017 20:18

You sound hard work OP. I had a huge loss last year and am facing another imminently...as I'm in my 40's now birthdays mean sod all to me. I certainly don't spend weeks anticipating the joy of the day Hmm. Sounds like your menfolk can't win. Last year my birthday was a few days after the funeral and I only opened my gifts after the dc came home from school as they'd have been gutted otherwise. If birthdays are such hard work for you take yourself away for the day. I did that this year and it was better than I could have hoped for.

BarbaraofSeville · 18/03/2017 20:24

I know exactly what you mean and don't think you are being ridiculous at all. There is no point at all telling them to buy you X item from Y shop, because once you've gone to the effort of doing that you've done 90% of the work.

I don't see the point of anything but token presents for adults with their own money. I ask for gin, fizzy white wine or anything from Hotel Chocolat. This then allows them to choose something for me within their budget (I make it clear that £5 supermarket cava or a HC selector pack is perfectly fine) and I get something I like.

onceandneveragain · 18/03/2017 20:42

Agree with everyone else - god help your poor DH & DS!

First it's 'I'm annoyed they can't just pick something I'd like themselves they should know me well enough,' then its 'DS usually gets me books and actually tends to make good choices of ones I like.'

You start with saying 'If they can't find me anything good then they shouldn't bother getting anything,' but then write another six posts suggesting that you are bothered about it.

In one post it's 'I can't even think of three things I would like' then in another it's 'I would be more than happy with some chocolates or a nice bottle of wine.' SO THEN TELL THEM when they make the effort to ask, 'I would love some chocolate and wine.'

You can't think of anything you want yourself, but they should be able to - so they should know you better than you know yourself.

I don't want to sound too harsh - I'm sorry for the loss you've suffered, and as you've suggested yourself you know grief can hit you in funny ways - I do think if you look back on this thread in a few years you'll be a bit embarrassed at yourself - or hopefully see the funny side! Just remember how lucky you are that you have DS & DH who care enough about you to get you something - I'm sure you've noticed the multiple threads on here from posters who get FA for their birthdays/christmas from partners and family.

TheFallenMadonna · 18/03/2017 20:44

Given your very recent loss, I can see why having to make an effort to organise your own birthday seems too much. Is your DH also feeling overwhelmed perhaps? Could you go out together to get something?

oldwife · 18/03/2017 20:51

My DS didn't even send me a card.

I was a bit upset that he didn't - especially as he had had a roasting a couple of years ago for forgetting Mothers' Day - but I'm not going to dwell on it.

I would far rather someone ask me for suggestions than get me stuff I won't use such as bathing products, body lotions etc.

Cash is my favourite gift - cheers MIL-- I try andl buy something within the month and let her know what I spent it on.