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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand why people go on about being attractive

59 replies

BoomtownCatss · 18/03/2017 12:21

Im in a bit of a low period right now, have gained weight and although I'm quite small I feel dumpy and ugly - I feel like I go through phases where I feel quite attractive and then it just goes.

Lately someone at work was going on about how she had overheard a conversation where a group of men weee discussing her band saying she was so good-looking... I like her but am a bit envious if I'm honest - I'm well educated, good degree etc and working in a prestigious finance organisation. She has similar job without degree (they do a school leavers programme), has a serious boyfriend, is very good-looking and will be on the same (pretty high) salary as me next year.

She is seven years younger than me (18) and has everything I want tbh! And I just didn't know how to respond to what she was saying? I've had similar in the past (not now!) and would purposely not go on about it!!

OP posts:

ShastaBeast · 18/03/2017 14:02

There's no reason for her to lie, and she may not be aware of her attractiveness, perhaps it's a bit of a novelty, she is very young after all. I've had comments about my looks and not looking my age, I don't agree with them but I'm not lying about it, it can be negative attention too.

The best thing to do is work on yourself without considering how you compare to others. Find what makes you happiest and you may find you can feel happier for others who do well too. Life isn't one linear progression where you do better as you get older, it isn't school anymore. We are all different and you only need to aim to be the best version of you, not the best full stop. After having kids and taking a break I'm back at the bottom and working with lots of much younger people, looking younger probably helps here but it's a negative at the school gates.

MaisyPops · 18/03/2017 14:09

Going on endlessly about it is a drain. But if it was a passing 'i overheard someone saying .... and it made my day' it wouldnt bother me at all.

Yesterday a lot of people said i looked nice (new dress and done up for a big meeting) and it boosted my confidenve and made me feel really happy. I told my colleagues because a couple of compliments were from students which is lovely. Mentioned it to DH. Nothing about insecure. Just sharing something thay made me smile.

Why cant she just enjoy a complement?

5moreminutes · 18/03/2017 14:19

If you can see her, you can see whether or not she has an attractive appearance.

We all know people who feel the need boast about their physical appearance to standing right in front of them and it is frankly bizzare and can surely only be down to insecurity.

People can't see your degree and your job through the computer screen, but wtf compels people to say they are pretty/ attractive/ good looking to someone looking right at them. It's like walking about staying what colour your hair/ eyes/ skin is/are or what you are wearing to people who can see those things for themselves. Just odd.

Also often people who have a lot of their self worth tied up in their looks and feel the need to talk about how beautiful they are are a bit like the people who write "BSc" on their Facebook profiles - generally stunningly mediocre.

5moreminutes · 18/03/2017 14:23

It isn't lying not to go on about something you believe to be true - it's just having a filter and some social skills and the ability to control your verbal diarreah. Otherwise we'd all walk about narrating our stream of consciousness without pause for fear of lying by omission.

SanitysSake · 18/03/2017 14:28

Anyone who says they're beautiful or good-looking, generally aren't on the inside.

Vanity is a very very ugly trait IMHO...

Don't worry about it, OP. Head up, shoulders back, you'll be fine

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2017 15:04

She hasn't said either of those things Sanity

haveacupoftea · 18/03/2017 15:22

I have a friend on facebook, a girl I used to work with, who will post things like 'a group of workmen just wolf whistled at me' or 'someone in the bar told me i look gorgeous' and endless selfies fishing for compliments from her mates. She is quite quirky looking, not good looking really, so I think it does come from a place of very low self esteem. She's a lovely girl but we can't all be sex symbols (me included!), I wish she had more self worth but then the messages we get from society tell us we must be pretty to be valuable so who can blame her.

AYankinSpanx · 18/03/2017 15:25

As this thread already show, women who say that they're attractive get a hard time. They're accused of being 'less attractive inside' or bad in some other way. Why? Why can't women say that they like the way they look?

The thread recently on which famous people we find beautiful shows that we all have a different perception of beauty. That woman may be beautiful to some, not to others.

I agree that spouting about it constantly isn't exactly appealing, but I don't like the groundless criticism that a woman gets just for having confidence in her own looks.

You sound nice though, OP. DOn't dwell on her or anyone else, just focus on yourself and getting through this 'down' period.

5moreminutes · 18/03/2017 15:29

I used to have a housemate who actually uttered the words "Its hard being beautiful" without irony fairly regularly and attributed any problems she had in pretty much any context to people being jealous of her beauty. She also asked when I moved in if I'd be bothered if she walked around naked, as she knew some people would find it intimidating! though in fact she never actually did. She had shiny hair and was slim, and spent almost all her disposable income on clothes, shoes and make up, but beyond that she was very ordinary looking... The thing she was above average at was being irritating.

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2017 16:02

She didn't say she was good looking though.

She said the guys discussing her said it.

SanitysSake · 18/03/2017 16:08

WorraLiberty - which is tantamount to blowing her own trumpet.

AYankinSpanx · 18/03/2017 16:09

WorraLiberty - which is tantamount to blowing her own trumpet

I'm not sure what's wrong with that to be honest.

troodiedoo · 18/03/2017 16:15

Youth is wasted on the young. And in this day and age of editing and filters and "likes" as a measure of self worth, who would want that? I feel sorry for young people today, do not envy them at all.

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2017 16:17

No it's not necessarily because the OP hasn't given enough context, regarding how she felt about being publicly discussed.

That could have been the focus of the conversation for all we know.

SanitysSake · 18/03/2017 16:18

So what would be the objective of relaying such a story?

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2017 16:19

I agree with that troodiedoo and if she's 18, there's a strong chance her parents have been uploading pics of her on FB for most of her life, so they can get the 'likes' and 'your DD is gawjus' type comments.

A lot of that sort of behaviour is learned at home.

I'm talking about teens in general btw, not the girl in the OP as we have no idea about that.

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2017 16:20

Sanity I've already given a couple of possible reasons up thread.

"In what way was she telling you? Was she embarrassed about what they were saying? Annoyed about it? Proud of it?"

But the OP hasn't bothered to come back with any kind of context.

SanitysSake · 18/03/2017 16:23

Personally I can't help but feel that anyone who relays stories like that are a wee bit vain. Irrespective of the context.

esk1mo · 18/03/2017 16:29

how can you take offence to someone saying they overheard someone else calling her good looking? what if she overheard someone saying shes really funny, or shes really smart? or dresses well? would you take offence?

you only feel bad because you dont feel good about yourself atm. her being good looking doesnt take anything away from you, it doesnt make you ugly or unattractive.

i really dislike this type of reaction. its like mentioning something about university, and someone responds "not all of us went to university" or mentioning going to the gym .."not all of us have time to work out". as if by mentioning anything that someone else hasnt done/doesnt do is offensive and you are automatically saying they are a shit person. it says more about the person being offended or upset than it does about the person mentioning an aspect of their life.

someones good points or successes dont make you any less deserving of your own good points or accomplishments. unless someone is boasting and talking nonstop then i dont really see the problem. maybe she feels the same way you do about herself, and was flattered to hear someone talking about her that way.

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 16:39

As this thread already show, women who say that they're attractive get a hard time. They're accused of being 'less attractive inside' or bad in some other way. Why? Why can't women say that they like the way they look?

ShastaBeast · 18/03/2017 16:41

Women have to be self deprecating, they are not allowed to blow their own trumpet without being torn down. It's partly why they are paid less than men. This woman was only relaying what she over heard and yet incites jealousy and accusations of being deficient in other ways - ugly on the inside.

Sadly looks do matter in this society, the media is full of it with women are valued on their appearance over their words or actions. The pressure for women to look a certain way is getting worse despite the advances of feminism.

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2017 16:44

I agree esk1mo. Well put.

5moreminutes · 18/03/2017 16:53

Wouldn't a man "going on about" how attractive he was be just as obnoxious though?

Lately someone at work was going on about how he had overheard a conversation where a group of women were discussing him and saying he was so good-looking...

Yep, that's positively oily smarmy yuck in a bucket...

I do agree it is probably down to her being 18 - though most 18 year olds are not like this. And it is insecurity, whether being insecure and having to brag to big herself up, or more likeable but just as insecure surprised that anyone thought him or her good looking...

I agree women shouldn't have to be self depreciating.

However just not relaying this story at all isn't self depreciating, its just appropriate, especially in the work place.

Anyone of either sex relaying this story would sound attention seeking and either braggy or needy, depending on tone and how long they spent talking about it.

Of course from the story we can't tell whether this particular person regularly "goes on" about being attractive - but there are people who do, and it is an unattractive trait.

hutchblue · 18/03/2017 17:11

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Applebite · 18/03/2017 17:32

Is she really really ridiculously good looking?!

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