To think my husband is being a git about sleeping arrangements ?

[LadyTennantofTardis]

He is just back from being away with work all week. I am currently 26 weeks pregnant. He didn't even ask how I was when he got back. He is quite tall at 6ft. I am 5ft 2 and a size 14 so not huge (apart from the bump). I am on crutches due to SPD and need a pregnancy pillow. Every might when we go to bed, he roughly gets into bed, often catching me with his elbows, complains he doesn't have enough room. Last night his elbow was in my face so I asked him to move it. He got up, got his jeans on, complained that I take too much room in the bed and he cant move in the bed, went out to his car, got a blow up mattress and slept on the floor downstairs. He seems to be blaming me but I'm not sure what for.

Sorry, that should have been to expatscotland. Can't work out how to tag people

A new bed and a cleaner will hardly
Change the behaviour of a selfish man.

I am feeling better now after going through this. I will look into getting a sofabed. I want a new comfey sofa for breastfeeding. I am also just going to tell him I am doing my best, if he wants it done better he will have to do it.

Did he want a second child ?
Sounds like he is feeling trapped .

But if he has the money to splash out on himself and you don't, there is inequality in the relationship. You have debts and pay childcare - but if you weren't subsidising him at uni you could have reduced those debts.
So it was ok for you to subsidise him, but now the boot is on the other foot he will only pay other bills for you both after you've spent all your money on essentials. And then he moans you need to earn more so he can subsidise you even less Mmmm....

He knew I wanted another for a few years, once he had his new job with a lot more pay he suggested another. Once he got his payback et and realised how much tax etc was he sorted of changed his mind as we aren't as well off as he thought. It was too late by then!

He did hug me when we found out. Infinitely better reaction to the last time.

He did hug me when we found out. Infinitely better reaction to the last time.

He seems to be blaming me but I'm not sure what for.

Very gently... in a healthy relationship, you would never be left feeling this way for any length of time. You would be able to ask and receive a reasonable answer and you woukd not be afraid to do so.

You say you think he wishes he had time to do more housework "as you do". Very gently again... you are unwell. You may have time, but are not physically able. He finds the time to drink a great deal each evening. If he spent a tiny percentage of that time tidying, there wouldn't be a problem.

You had a family together. You both own the resulting mess.

It took me years to realise this.

A psychiatrist pointed out to me that my husband had a choice whether to allow his difficult childhood into our relationship. If he has problems from his past, he needs to seek help. You have enough to do.

I'm not suggesting you up and leave. I can see you aren't ready. But time apart (for example at your parents', if they are as helpful as you say) might allow both of you to reassess.

Sounds very similar to my ex with regards to the drinking and the complaints of lack of tidiness yet wanting me to earn more (despite him being on £90k per year).
I never had treats yet he smoked, drank and splurged on cars and clothes leaving nothing left over.

I left him (took ages to get the courage up to do so)

I didn't realise just how bad he was until I met my now DP.
We are recovering in June and he earns nothing close to what my ex did.
But he is encouraging me to take it as easy as possible.
He cooks and cleans without being asked to, despite working long hours and when he sees me struggling he jumps to help.
He also doesn't drink much at all and doesn't smoke and isn't materialistic, so we have ended up feeling better off financially despite smaller earnings now.
He is also encouraging me to take as long as I need off for maternity and despite me voicing my concerns that we can't afford me to have a full year he is putting away what he can to make sure I don't have to if I don't want to.

I hope you too will be treated how you deserve soon. It feels weird to start with but i now realise that I was always worth more than what my ex led me to believe

• recovering = expecting

I don't condone his attitude, but you can save yourselves all this headache by sleeping in separate beds. It must be super uncomfortable for you too to share a bed with him at this stage. And pregnancy pillows do take up lots of space in the bed. I know, I have one and I use it sometimes without being pregnant. The other occupant in my bed gets really squashed when I do, haha.

So he's behaving absolutely typical to form and this is the man you've chosen to settle down and raise a family with. You can't make a silk purse out a sows ear, you know.

I just think he thinks I don't do a very good job at everything. To be honest I feel the same most of the time.
He really has done good job on you hasn't he?

You work 4 days, you are having a difficult pregnancy and you are taking care of a 4 year old - doing far more than him. You'd have to be superwoman to have a spotless home too.

You can put 100% into either work or looking after children. To do both something has to give. If it that easy he can do it himself!

OP you do realise you are married to an alcoholic? His attitude is disgusting and I can't believe you stayed with him after you first got pregnant and he said he felt like someone had died. Can you go for counselling this relationship isn't healthy and no amount of children or sofa beds is going to change that.

Why is childcare your personal bill????? That's beyond me. This whole set up seems highly unhealthy. And how can he be on a high salary but not work out properly how much he was actually going to get net after taxes? It's not very hard! Do you not have another room ready for baby 2 where he could sleep for a while? If not have you considered moving to a bigger place? Of course first consider if this relationship is rly right for you....

I'm so sorry if this upsets you, but this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. He actually sounds quite horrible.

Have you had a look at the relationship board?

OP I'm sorry to agree with many here but he sounds like an alcoholic and is being abusive and disrespectful to you.

SPD must be so hard particularly with a young child who wants to play, walk, get lifted up etc.

This relationship is not healthy for you nor is it healthy for DD who will think this is a normal relationship & an acceptable way to treat people.

If I were you I would be looking to end this relationship, it will be far better for you and DD.

Do you have any IRL support to help you?

Update: we have talked and he has been worried about me as I seem to have worse symptoms this time, soreness with the SPD, emotional, morning sickness. He said he has also been exhausted from work, so he is not grumpy with me just generally grumpy. He said his back his hurting him a lot and he just can't lie hugging in bed, and he is worried about bashing me when he moves so he ends up.in a lot of pain lying on the side of the bed. We have moved sides of the bed, so I can lie facing the wall and he doesn't have to worry about bashing the bump as he moves. I also told him he doesn't need to worry about hugging me I'm not that fragile. I had lovely hugs last night and we had a good night sleep. We also talked about money, he is keen to pay off the debts, and said hopefully we can then manage with just one bank account, he also said if we think about extending this house instead of moving, we wouldn't need to worry about me working full time for a long time ( I didn't bring up money, this all came from him). I didn't bring up the cleaning, but I might insist on taking his guitars etc into storage today. If he doesn't want it all messy, he can get rid of some of his stuff! Thanks for all the messages. I have been very emotional during this pregnancy and was very down yesterday, so perhaps my post came off a bit too negative. He realised I was down yesterday, and took our daughter to the park, then for a game of football, then to the fair, and brought back dinner, so I could have a long bath and the day to myself.

He is also joining a gym to help him lose weight (staying away in hotels all the time is taking its effect) and try and help his motivation for stopping smoking and cutting down on drink. He says he will stop smoking before the baby gets here so he is not having withdrawal and sleepless nights!

I hope it works out okay for you.

Very glad you've talked. Good luck OP. Hopefully he's serious about cutting out the drinking and smoking and takes immediate action.