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Original poster

To think my husband is being a git about sleeping arrangements ?

72 replies

LadyTennantofTardis · 18/03/2017 08:17

He is just back from being away with work all week. I am currently 26 weeks pregnant. He didn't even ask how I was when he got back. He is quite tall at 6ft. I am 5ft 2 and a size 14 so not huge (apart from the bump). I am on crutches due to SPD and need a pregnancy pillow. Every might when we go to bed, he roughly gets into bed, often catching me with his elbows, complains he doesn't have enough room. Last night his elbow was in my face so I asked him to move it. He got up, got his jeans on, complained that I take too much room in the bed and he cant move in the bed, went out to his car, got a blow up mattress and slept on the floor downstairs. He seems to be blaming me but I'm not sure what for.

OP posts:
SoulAccount · 18/03/2017 08:54

Ok, actually he sounds monumentally selfish.

Calm direct assertive talking , then couple counselling, then you might want to ask what you get out of this relationship.

expatinscotland · 18/03/2017 08:54

I see. So you're supposed to be earning like Bill Gates and cleaning like Kim & Aggie whilst he blows money. He's drinking a fuckload.

LindyHemming · 18/03/2017 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 18/03/2017 08:55

book appointment at relate hopefully he will go with you xx

SoulAccount · 18/03/2017 08:55

4-6 ciders a day is a drink problem.

MuncheysMummy · 18/03/2017 08:56

Can I ask why you are having another baby with him as he sounds horrible and at best disinterested? You sound as though you are struggling a bit physically and emotionally so surely adding another baby and therefore a lot more work to an already less than ideal home situation is only going to make things 100% worse?!

expatinscotland · 18/03/2017 08:57

And now you're supposed to be sorting out the relationship, too! Let's see, someone will come on to tell you the poor dear is depressed or has undiagnosed autism and then we'll have a full house.

expatinscotland · 18/03/2017 08:57

It's no wonder he crashes into you in bed, sleeps like hell and snores - he's drunk.

dowhatnow · 18/03/2017 08:58

I hope you pull him up every time he moans and tell him to do it himself if it worries him, as obviously you can't do more and should in fact be doing less

It's up to him where he sleeps but again he shouldn't be moaning as it's out of your control.

Don't just accept all the crap he throws at you. Stand up for yourself, Comment every time. Don't row or get into arguments as such, just calmly state how unreasonable he is being.
If it does keep escalating into big rows you need to seriously consider if you want to be in this relationship in the future as it is obvious he has no respect for you.

Gallavich · 18/03/2017 08:58

Oh Jesus
You're with an emotionally abusive man with a drink problem.

MuncheysMummy · 18/03/2017 09:00

Ok I have to add he is literally an arsehole!! Your very unwise to be having another baby when life is so unpleasant with him as it is,put simply find out why he is treating you like this and if he can't see he is leave him! But agin it brings me back to why are you having this baby when he isn't supportive of you being pregnant or actually having then taking care of the baby? Sounds as though you wanted the baby but he didn't? Going off what he's saying about you having Mat leave etc he wants you to earn more not less Confused

dowhatnow · 18/03/2017 09:03

I didn't see you last post, but the situation sounds even more intolerable than I thought. You do realise this isn't a healthy relationship don't you? Do that questionnaire on the Women's Aid website that people keep mentioning.

blueskyinmarch · 18/03/2017 09:05

I think you are both understandably tired and are not communicating at all. Why don’t you sit down with hm and tell him what you have told us.

I rather suspect i am an old dinosaur but in my 32 years of a marriage DH and i have had our ups and down. We had no MN or anything to ask advice on - we just spoke to each other about our grumps and moans and thrashed out the way forward together. Being in a relationship is a long and twisting road which branches off every so often in an unhelpful way. You are at a branch like the right now. Talk to your DH and sort it out.

MN can only help you so far but i suspect very soon you will be told to LTB before you have even tried to work it through together with him.

SchnitzelVonCrumb · 18/03/2017 09:05

If you can't get a bigger bed then you need to come up with a solution. It is frustrating if you don't like being touched to be touched and likewise for you being woken up aggressively.

If you are working and doing the majority of housework then either hire a cleaner or find a balance. A teenager could watch your 4 year old for a couple of hours while you and your husband tackle some jobs.

Sit down and aicuas finances properly - if you do need to be earning more to afford the standard of living you both want find a way to make this work. If he is squandering money then complaining about a lack of it then a simple budget tracker may enlighten him.

you obviously have some attraction to him as you have a 4 year old and are pregnant with number 2.

If you can't discuss any of these things with him calmly then think about leaving.

Problem solve instead of whining

LostSight · 18/03/2017 09:06

He sounds horribly selfish. Hard to know what to say. My husband was similar and I honestly wish I'd left him when I first realised what he was like, back when I only had DS1. I made all kinds of excuses for him. He was stressed at work, having a tough time, possibly depressed. I can now name his actions as abusive. I didn't recognise it at the time.

After years of working together on his problems, my relationship is now much better. But DS1 (now in his early twenties) is still working through the difficulties that I think were probably triggered in part by the abusive family dynamic in which he grew up.

Think carefully OP. Is there somewhere you can turn to get help, a rest and some time away from him? Maybe you both need to reassess what's important.

Original poster
LadyTennantofTardis · 18/03/2017 09:07

To be honest it started when I got pregnant while he was a full time student. (An over-ethusiastic wedding night) he said it felt like someone had died he was so depressed about it. After my child was born he took to it brilliantly, he is a great dad! But I think he still feels the stress of it all. I can literally count on my hands how many times we have had sex since then. We seem to have a very functional practical relationship since then, just making sure daughter is looked after and the house is sorted out. I just think he thinks I don't do a very good job at everything. To be honest I feel the same most of the time.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/03/2017 09:08

Are you pooling finances? Is your debt from paying for childcare or things for your child? Let me guess . . . what's his is his and what's yours is his, too.

All the 'calm chats' and talks won't change the fact that he has a drink problem.

oleoleoleole · 18/03/2017 09:09

I think it's time to sit down and have a serious chat about what you both want and expect from the marriage. You're both clearly very unhappy.

Bananamanfan · 18/03/2017 09:10

You might be able to squeeze in a king size bed, it's not that much bigger. We recently got one & it takes up most of the room, but i don't care.
Get a cleaner.
If the bed & the cleaner don't improve things he can sling his hook & you will have even more room in the bed!

expatinscotland · 18/03/2017 09:10

'he is a great dad! '

A great dad pulls his weight in the home and doesn't drink 4-6 ciders/day.

bloodyfuming9 · 18/03/2017 09:11

Yes, your husband is a lazy, emotionally and financially abusive git who has a drink problem.He doesn't seem to have any redeeming qualities

If i were you, I'd be getting my ducks in a row ready for leaving him as soon as possible, preferably before the baby was born, but realistically maybe shortly afterwards. Take your one year''s maternity leave, enjoy your children and use this time to build up a new life for you and them.

bloodyfuming9 · 18/03/2017 09:14

Shnitzel
"Problem solve instead of whining"

Harsh!

Original poster
LadyTennantofTardis · 18/03/2017 09:16

Thanks for all the messages. I will need to try to talk to him. I think a lot of this is that we are both exhausted. He has no family apart from his dad who is very difficult so we almost have no contact with. I think he is lonely and depressed, and he misses his mum who he lost 15 years ago. My parents are quite involved in our lives which I think makes him more lonely. I think he would love to have time (as I do) to do more housework. I know I sound like I am now making excuses but I was very upset and was only focusing about the bad bits. Of course there are good aspects of our relationship or I wouldn't be with him.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 18/03/2017 09:18

He sounds absolutely awful.

What are you getting out of this relationshit?

I agree with bloodyfuming Life is too short to spend it with someone who seems to delight in eroding your self esteem.

Original poster
LadyTennantofTardis · 18/03/2017 09:19

*oleoleole no we don't pool finances. I have a large overdraft from before we met. I pay for childcare, my personal bills. He pays for everything else.

OP posts:
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