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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be friends with someone who's too perfect?

52 replies

CarrieMyBag · 17/03/2017 21:59

Currently I am working with a woman who's so kind, always polite, and sweet. Everybody at work loves her. I do like working with her in professional capacity. Lately she's trying very hard to befriend me by asking me for coffee, lunch, etc. As nice as she is, I have no intention to be friends with her. I am quite frustrated by how polite she is, she's so eager to smile whenever I am about to say something, anything, and she's so eager to help as well. In a word, she's perfect! I feel guilty for not liking her as much as I should have. To be honest, I find her boring. I am more drawn to people who have flaws, funny, and occasionally put their foot in their mouths. I feel guilty whenever I swear in front of her. It's probably a cultural thing as well. She is so sweet and so careful with her words that I find her too stepford wife like. AIBU for not welcoming this olive branch of friendship?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2017 22:01

She sounds very nice, you don't have to be friends with her. Mabey have a coffee with her, you may end up liking her.

OverAndAbove · 17/03/2017 22:05

Honestly? Yes you do sound a bit mean. She sounds nice! But if you are not short of people to be friends with, then so be it

PeaFaceMcgee · 17/03/2017 22:07

YABU and sound like you don't like yourself very much. Those with healthy self esteem don't seek out 'flawed' people.

You feel like you can't be yourself around her? Not her fault. Give it a go.

PovertyJetset · 17/03/2017 22:09

I think you're being incredibly judgemental and very arrogant.

She may well just be a lovely person who wants to be a work friend and foster positive working relarionships and a nice working environment. Kill her. Hmm

Knifegrinder · 17/03/2017 22:10

You're allowed to just not like someone, you know. You don't have to claim they're 'too perfect' to like (especially as she doesn't sound 'perfect', she sounds rather over-eager to please, if anything.)

Woobeedoo · 17/03/2017 22:15

A while back now I met a lady who I thought was the perfect Mum - polite, well mannered, immaculately dressed, intelligent, perfect child. Then I got to know her and she is one of the funniest, kindest, best people I have ever met. She has the quickest wit and swears like a drain and was just being guarded in those very early days. Get to know this person in your office, they may surprise you.

Original poster
CarrieMyBag · 17/03/2017 22:33

Thanks for the replies. I don't think I am arrogant or have low self esteem Hmm When I said I like people with flaws, I should have said I like people who don't put their guard up all the time. Just let loose, don't be too serious all the time, laugh at yourself for goodness sake! I do give people chances, I get on with every single female colleague at my last work place and we still meet up for drinks and to have a laugh.

This lady I described in my original post is originally from another country (I am too, but I have lived much longer in western countries and am married to an Englishman), so I think the cultural difference is definitely a factor. She doesn't drink, is quite religious, and to be honest I don't find her funny or interesting. She is over eager to please and I am not avoiding her (so far!). I dread lunch time because she'd ask me for a coffee or to have lunch with her, and I'd rather not. I'm running out of excuse. I have spent quite a lot of time with her so I know there's no chemistry.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 17/03/2017 22:43

What's any of that got to do with perfection though? Don't compare her - you just don't like her.

Original poster
CarrieMyBag · 17/03/2017 22:54

She's done nothing wrong in my eyes. That's what I meant by perfect.

OP posts:
Sallysadlyseescertainty · 17/03/2017 22:58

Maybe you feel inferior around her. That's often the case with people these days. They don't like to hang around with people who act themselves/nice.

Politeness and kindness are only of value in word, but not in deed, so it would seem. People with swarms of 'followers' seem to hold material success and its attached arseholery, to the desired attributes of friendship.

I wouldn't want to be friends with you. You seem intimidated by genuinely nice people.
Probably why I keep away from people who have more faces than could slap at once.

Shock Grin
Bluntness100 · 17/03/2017 23:00

I am too, but I have lived much longer in western countries and am married to an Englishman)

IllBeBackmaybe · 17/03/2017 23:01

It sounds like she's just trying really hard to make friends. You don't have to be her friend but if you do get to know her better you might discover that there is a lot more to her.

SaucyJack · 17/03/2017 23:04

Boring is a fairly major flaw IMO.

RB68 · 17/03/2017 23:11

She sounds lonely and seems to be trying to make a friend. The occasional coffee won't hurt you and there are ways of making yourself unavailable if it all becomes too much

LorLorr2 · 17/03/2017 23:12

I do see what you mean, but if you put her at ease you never know what will come out! She might just be feeling on edge and needs to know it's ok to relax. If that truly is her normal personality then that's fine, you don't need to be best friends just be civil and nice like you would be with any colleague :)

MammaTJ · 17/03/2017 23:14

Oh God, what a bitch!! How dare she want to befriend you when she is so......... well... friendly!

You need help OP. She sounds like she is doing her best to be nice and include you in stuff and you are being standoffish!

Ginkypig · 17/03/2017 23:20

I think I could be seen to come across like that sometimes.

I love a good swear and can be crude with people who im comfortable with but I wouldn't be like that with someone who I didn't know very well esp at work incase it came across badly.

I also in my younger days if I liked someone could be overly nice not on purpose but somtimes if I liked someone I thought being nice would be the easiest way to not offend someone and therefor they would want to get to know me.

I am a nice person generally too though so it probably just came across worse because my sharp edges were hidden incase my humour (dark) and my language (think sailor) offended them

BurningBridges · 17/03/2017 23:23

I work with nuns. I actually work for a religious order (although not always in the convent). It drives me round the bend, but they are so incredibly kind and polite I really shouldn't complain ...but .... FFS .....ARRGGGHHHHH!!!!

Original poster
CarrieMyBag · 17/03/2017 23:23

Maybe you feel inferior around her. That's often the case with people these days. They don't like to hang around with people who act themselves/nice.

This is it, I don't think she's herself as she's trying too hard.

Bluntness100, I absolutely do not feel superior to her Hmm I have done nothing but sang praises about her to colleagues. My boss happened to offer me a chance for promotion even though I haven't been at the company that long and she has. I have even suggested to him that she deserves it more! Then he said something about cultural difference as well, I guess I am not the only person in the office feeling awkward.

I haven't said one bad thing about her in my post? My point about having assimilated into western culture more than her is to point ouf our differences, not that I am superior for fuck sake! For instance, she doesn't get my sense of humour and I don't get hers.

OP posts:
BurningBridges · 17/03/2017 23:24

And I normally LOVE a good swear. Arse.

Italiangreyhound · 17/03/2017 23:24

Carrie why should you need to be friends with everyone who wants to be friends with you? You don't need to. You don't need a reason to like her or not like her.

Just make your excuses and she will eventually tire.

She sounds nice but you are not obliged to like her or be friends with her, nor she with you.

wizzywig · 17/03/2017 23:28

Maybe she thinks you are the cool person in the office and she wants to hang round with you

Ginkypig · 17/03/2017 23:30

Carrie just so you know I didn't comment to make you feel bad. I was just thinking about how some of my younger behaviour might have been seen as similar Blush

If you don't want to be friends with someone that's your right.

Starlight2345 · 17/03/2017 23:32

I think you may find life easier if you do the odd coffee break however..Sometimes we just don't click with people or want to spend any more time than we need to.

Original poster
CarrieMyBag · 17/03/2017 23:34

BurningBridges Grin Let it out!

Italiangreyhound I feel like I have to because even when I said no for a coffee one day because I really didn't want to go out, she looked hurt which made me feel bad.

OP posts: