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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be friends with someone who's too perfect?

52 replies

CarrieMyBag · 17/03/2017 21:59

Currently I am working with a woman who's so kind, always polite, and sweet. Everybody at work loves her. I do like working with her in professional capacity. Lately she's trying very hard to befriend me by asking me for coffee, lunch, etc. As nice as she is, I have no intention to be friends with her. I am quite frustrated by how polite she is, she's so eager to smile whenever I am about to say something, anything, and she's so eager to help as well. In a word, she's perfect! I feel guilty for not liking her as much as I should have. To be honest, I find her boring. I am more drawn to people who have flaws, funny, and occasionally put their foot in their mouths. I feel guilty whenever I swear in front of her. It's probably a cultural thing as well. She is so sweet and so careful with her words that I find her too stepford wife like. AIBU for not welcoming this olive branch of friendship?

OP posts:

Original poster

CarrieMyBag · 17/03/2017 23:39

Thanks Ginkypig. I appreciate your kind reply. A few replies here were quite unpleasant to be honest (but this is AIBU), but I'll accept that I may have come across as an unfriendly bitch.

I'll have an odd coffee here and there as suggested, but possibly not every day as what she has been suggesting lately. I am terrible at making small talks with people I don't click with, it just feels like hard work.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 17/03/2017 23:42

Stop being a cow then.

I have a good friend at work. Culturally and religiously, we are miles apart but she is fantastic and kind. She doesn't judge my choices and I don't judge hers.

FrenchLavender · 17/03/2017 23:43

I know exactly what you mean OP I have a couple of acquaintances like this and while they are lovely people I never feel truly relaxed or like I can be myself around them, for all the reasons you've mentioned. I have nothing against them, I just couldn't see the friendship ever developing further because I always feel a tiny bit uncomfortable in their beatific super-nice presence.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 17/03/2017 23:43

I have a couple of friends who, when I first met them I thought god you are so shiny and wholesome and squeaky clean, we'll never get on. But lo and behold they turned out to be smart and funny and now to be honest I like them so much I think I probably fancy them a little bit :)

BurningBridges · 17/03/2017 23:46

Carrie all joking aside, and as nice as the nuns are, I do find it depressing it really gets me down - there is no one who is like me, if that makes sense. I think I would find your colleague draining too, and I would feel bad about myself for feeling like that. And I have some very kind friends who are not from a Western culture and I find that tricky too - they speak my language really well, but they don't "get" nuances. So they are ultra polite and kind and I feel I have to watch every word I say.

I just try my best with all concerned, and I value their friendship, but I don't spend more time with these groups than I have to.

Ginkypig · 17/03/2017 23:47

No problem Carrie

I will say though give it a try before you decide, she could end up your dearest friend on the other hand you might be right.

I'm fucking lovely if I do say so myself and supremely, wonderfully flawed (more than most if I'm honest) but you'd never know that unless you took the time to know me

BurningBridges · 17/03/2017 23:47

YouTheCat - why do you say OP is being a cow?

cheersbye · 17/03/2017 23:56

I do know what you mean op BUT I have worked with people from lots of cultures and have found that still waters run deep with people if you take time to get below the facade. I've also been told that I'm soo lovely and polite, and separately that I'm quite hard to get to know (quite shy and much prefer interacting one to one), but actually I have a filthy and wicked sense of humour so I can imagine being the person in your post and it would be worth your while persevering with me

khajiit13 · 18/03/2017 00:04

I think PP are being obtuse. I know what you mean op and I work with similar people. And they are a wonder to work with, a joy. But it can be hard to be yourself around them. I relax more with the colleagues who make mistakes, show their true selves, down to earth, etc.

Sallysadlyseescertainty · 18/03/2017 00:11

Fair enough. But maybe have that one cup of coffee with her. I don't like fake people either, believe me! Give her that one chance. If you don't take to her, that's OK.

Original poster

CarrieMyBag · 18/03/2017 00:21

Sallysadlyseescertainty I've had coffee with her MOST days at lunch time, that's why I feel this needs to end without hurting her feelings. I think I have given it a fair go.

Some days I wish I could slip some alcohol or pills into her drink, maybe her dark side might come out and I'll like her more

OP posts:

gandalf456 · 18/03/2017 00:40

I don't think you're mean otherwise you would not be feeling guilty. You don't dislike her. You've just got.nothing in common. I know exactly what you mean. I would feel slightly uncomfortable in her company - like being with the vicar or someone's mum and you had to mind your P's and Q's

WyfOfBathe · 18/03/2017 00:48

I'm guessing you mean she's quite self-righteous or aware of her "perfection".

I had a colleague like that at my old job. She didn't drink alcohol (not for religious reasons), always had a perfect face of make up, never took a day off for illness/kids' illness, and was a very charming speaker. But it was the snide-yet-polite comments that she made that made me dislike her - "oh, dear, shall I grab my mascara for you?" (no. I've chosen not to wear it today) or "What a poor lad [other colleague's son], having to cope with his parent's divorce." (yes, that's exactly the right thing to say when your colleague is devastated that her husband's left).

Sallysadlyseescertainty · 18/03/2017 01:20

OK, I think I'm getting the drift of this. Just keep your distance. I'm guessing she's self righteous and pretentious.

Sallysadlyseescertainty · 18/03/2017 01:22

Apologies for my first post, op. But I got a different impression from your first post. You have every right to stay clear of superficiality.

mammmamia · 18/03/2017 09:13

What? You want to put alcohol pills into someone to make them more fun?
Your boss didn't want to promote her because of cultural differences?
You and your workplace sounds absolutely toxic and I pity the poor woman for having to work there.
And I'm British and drink and swear.

mammmamia · 18/03/2017 09:15

Also at work you may have to spend time with people with whom you don't have much in common. That's called being a grown up. You don't have to be best friends with them.

SharkBastard · 18/03/2017 09:30

It's OK to not be friends with someone you find boring. You don't have to cultivate friendships if you're not finding common ground.

I'm probably seen as a massive boring cunt cause I drink, swear and passionate about politics and feminism, and I'm OK with people judging me like that as I'm not everyone's cup of tea

Apachepony · 18/03/2017 09:51

What culture is she from? I find it a little disturbing that your boss is reluctant to promote her because of "cultural differences ".

Pistachiois50pmore · 18/03/2017 10:01

One of my friends is a bit like this. It sounds mean to say Stepford Wife, but she is very driven to look perfect and succeed at her job. She is supermodel-thin and immaculately dressed. It's impressive in its own way but I realised after I'd known her for a while but she gets up at 5am to go to yoga, eat super clean, and works in her evenings at a freelance career which she wins awards for, even though she also has an amazing full time job. Any disposable income she has goes on fitness and classic designer clothes rather than takeaways and nights out. She gets drunk about twice a year. So it's a question of priorities really! She's very nice and doesn't have a nasty side to her. But I never see her because she never has any bloody free time!

WhatAPigsEar · 18/03/2017 17:59

I used to know someone like that. At first glance she was the nicest person you could meet. After a few days it became clear she was boring and sycophantic. She'd never talk about herself, just ask you lots of questions and say endless 'yes' 'yes' 'yes' as you were talking. Get it got on my tits!!

Daydream007 · 18/03/2017 18:20

She sounds lovely. Too nice for you!

AllDaBoats · 18/03/2017 21:35

You don't have to be " friends" with everyone. just continue to be polite and friendly . I have the same thing where I work. There's a really sweet girl. Really lovely and "perfect" but she is not very fun and quite boring so we don't socialise at work or out of work and that's fine.

BonnyScotland · 18/03/2017 21:42

NOBODY is perfect .... so cut that out for a start.... AND you don't have to like someone simply because everyone else likes them... you are your own person... with your own choices.... syrup and spice and all things nice is maybe not your cup of tea... she sounds excessively twee ...

your human... be friends with whomever you darned well like x

SantinoRice · 18/03/2017 21:48

The thing is, you say she's not being herself, but you're not being YOURself, if you avoid swearing around her.

Why don't you behave around her as you do your friends, and if she doesn't like it she'll want to hang out with you less. And if she does like it, you might see another side to her that you do like. Win win.

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