AIBU about my struggling brother?

[hellejuice91]

I had a very complicated and difficult childhood (that is putting it mildly). About 5 years ago I decided to cut off all contact with my parents. My brother had left home about two years before, but was still in sporadic contact with them and the same with me.

The last time I saw him was 6 years ago when we ran into each other on a bus. We spoke for about ten minutes for about 12 months after that we very, rarely sent a couple of Facebook messages.

Our relationship trailed off for two reasons. First of all my life was very full, at the time I was uni, I was leaving with my now fiance, was working part time and I have always had a very active social life. The second was that my Brother is VERY unreliable. He was forever losing his phone (or not paying his bill and getting cut off), misplacing his bank card , going weeks on end without glasses and forgetting his social media and email passwords. All of this meant it was extremely difficult to stay in stuck. Eventually I gave up. I don't blame him for the relationship ending it was just one of those things.

Fast forward to about three weeks ago. My brother adds me on Facebook and messages me. We swap a few messages and it soon becomes very obvious that his life is pretty crap. When I asked him how he was he said 'exsisting but not living'. He told me he was ill (but not what with), he was on the sick and could not cover his bills and if he took much longer off work he'd lose his all together.The way he was talking I knew he was hankering for somewhere to stay. I spoke to my fiance and a couple of very close friends (that I consider family) at length about it and it was just not a possibility. For a start I don't even know what is wrong with him, he might just need somewhere warm and safe or he might need care, I really don't know.

When he realised this was going to happen he stopped messaging me. That is until he popped up last night. This time tell me how awful his financial situation is again. He was saying things like ''If I could just have the overdraft cleared for me' and 'I'm hoping to go back to work next week, if I just had the cost of my travel covered until I get paid again'.

He was definitely hinting for money. I screenshotted the messages and sent them to a friend saying 'He is asking for me' then accidentially sent it to my brother too.

He then starting saying 'I would never ask you for money, it would be a waste of time' When I asked why he said 'You would never give me it. I am sorry I am annoying you when have such a perfect life'

I the sent him a tonne of practical advice as to what he could do. If he did them all he would have a real way of getting out of his situation.

He then just said 'I'll leave you alone until my life is better'

The thing is I feel incredibly guilty. It is true that I have a pretty great life, I have a cushy job, I have a nice home, earn good money and have fantastic people who care and support me. I also have mental health issues due to my childhood and know his presence in my home could break me.

AIBU not moving in him and not offering financial help?

In your situation if I could then I would chip him some cash

You're not sixteen now, time has passed, and through life experiences people can change. I had a similar experience at uni.. and for a few years after til I found my feet. You can still have a meaningful relationship without spending money, as long as you are assertive in that way, but also accommodating. Maybe you were ""meant " to meet on the bus? Whatever, as long as your bro is good of heart I wouldn't waste the opportunity to reconcile with your past life.

YANBU. I think you'd be a mug to give him money or let him live with you. It'd just be enabling him to keep making bad decisions.

You both had the same upbringing, yet he still seems to want to use that as a 'crutch', or an excuse for his bad decisions as an adult. You've proven that it is possible to overcome that. If he chooses to wallow in it now, that's his decision and he needs to learn to live with the consequences.

It's up to you whether you help him or not. You've admitted that you have quite a cushy life at the moment, so I'm guessing maybe a one of payment might not cause you too much discomfort. He's only 28 and has time to turn out to be very successful, or maybe he won't. One thing I would say though is that life often throws up the unexpected, and if you do fall on tough times, I hope you won't ask him for any favours if the tables are turned.

My siblings and I help one of our other siblings; Said sibling has had it tough the last number of years through no fault of their own and they are in a position now of not being able to afford to pay for the basics despite working full time.

Therefore on the basis that they are family and that we love them we each give a little something monthly to ease the burden, it's enough to ensure the rent/bills are paid and that way their income can be used for food etc.

We don't ever expect or want thanks and we don't want the money back again, we do what we feel family should do. Our sibling was getting really really embarrassed though having to take from us, so we set up monthly standing orders just to relieve some of the embarrassment - They now have the money on a set date every month from each of us directly into their account.

I won't lie OP I shake my head in disgust when I hear about family not helping each other; It sounds like you're reasonably comfortable and yet you'd take advice from friends to begrudge your brother some help when he is on his knees financially - You'd need to be made of stone to treat a sibling that way (in my opinion).

You say that you "genuinely care" hence offering "practical advice" to your brother but I'm sorry practical advice only goes so far. I can't imagine splashing out on a wedding knowing that one of my family could barely afford to live!

My family come before everything and everyone - I feel sorry for your brother, his parents let him down and his sister has forgotten about him too; Who needs enemies?

You'd need to be made of stone to treat a sibling that way

Or you've seen it all before, tried to help only to watch as he's frittered your money away and then carried on regardless.

Enough with the condescending emotional blackmail. The op barely has a relationship with her brother, she's not responsible for him. She has every right to get married and have a nice life, she doesn't have to forfeit that for someone she hardly sees.

I've had a struggling family member before. He really appreciated coming round to our house and having his tea cooked for him. When he was hard up, I'd pay him to do little jobs for me.
YANBU to feel you can't offer him full time care and accommodation, but you could have him round for his tea.

So your brother tells you he's ill, is down on is luck, and needs money, and instead of asking him what is wrong, you screenshot his message and send to a friend of yours??
I don't think much of your compassion, or respect for his privacy.

Are posters reading the op?

he has never tried to solve something when it goes wrong. He just buries his head in the sand and waits for someone to clean up his mess.

Giving him money will solve his problem today, but reinforce his belief that someone will always swoop in and save him, and he doesn't need to take responsibility for himself.

It's very sad that he hasn't learnt how to take responsibility for himself, and presumably was also damaged by their childhood.

It is not the op's responsibility to step into a kind of parental role and repeatedly bail him out.

My best friend had a run of bad luck which meant her DH was in hospital for a prolonged amount of time, she could not work...her DH was almost dying and she had a child diagnosed with a serious condition and a 3 month old baby.

She couldn't pay her rent.

Her brothers clubbed together and began sending her a weekly allowance. Without them she'd have ended up homeless.

Siblings are important and since you don't know if your brother is a layabout or a good person having bad luck, I think you need to make an effort to learn more about his life.

What Emerald said. It's a poor show not to help out struggling family members, especially when you know why they're struggling.

Op you mention that you helped him out when he was at uni? Presumably that was at 9/10 years ago and you haven't spoken to him in 6 years? So you're basing all these assumptions of him being feckless and irresponsible over a couple of years of sporadic contact?

What I do know is this - your brother has no one else to turn to. He is reaching out to you for help and you're openly mocking him by sending screenshots and ignoring his pleas. Grow a heart and help him out.

The OP has helped repeatedly and managed to get past a shitty upbringing to have a decent life.
Why shouldnt she save for a wedding when shes worked and made good choices? What should she do, clear out her savings to prop someone up who has made zero effort of their own (despite having help from family abd the OP and doing sod all with it).

I can also see why she wanted advice from a friend. It musy feel crap to feel like you dont want to help your brother, but i can see why the OP feels that way.

Her brother is now being passive agressive and emotionally manipulative "oh fine just dont bother helping me even though i never bother unless i want something. You just enjoy your life without me". Aka. I want to make you feel bad for making somethinf of your life so i can sponge off you.

OP I'd pay for a travel card for him to get to work if you can afford it (and it seems like you can). This sounds awful but id also get more info on his illness to check its genuine and not just an extra layer on his 'sort my life for me' sob story. When you know everything he says is legit, help him out practically (not regular money though), arrange support with charity groups/council etc to help him get himself back on his feet.

Sorry OP but you appear VERY self satisfied and very selfish. You can go through any logical reason you want, at the end of the day Your brother needs a helping hand and hand and you are not giving it to him.

Life is hard sometimes and you could help someone without risking your perfect life and you refuse to do it. Shame on you.

That attitude of "oh I had a shit upbringing, but I worked hard and now I'm doing fine." is awful. It's a weird social construct that people use to make others think that they're lazy, or inherently flawed because they too haven't overcome their disadvantages.

It's the same rhetoric that the Tories and right wing press use against benefit claimants to demonise them.

Life isn't that simple - not everyone can help themselves. Some people need support. Practical, financial family support. When there is none people get into situations like the OP's brother.

I think you're getting a hard time about this OP. My uncle sounds exactly like your brother - always on the scrounge. Never says thanks. Never takes any steps to improve himself. We only see him when he needs more money. If you start subsidizing his lifestyle now (again) you'll be doing it forever.

My brother is similar although works full time. Constantly borrows money from family and never pays it back. Its awkward and causes resentment. Look after yourself OP.

That attitude of "oh I had a shit upbringing, but I worked hard and now I'm doing fine." is awful. It's a weird social construct that people use to make others think that they're lazy, or inherently flawed because they too haven't overcome their disadvantages

Flip that on its head. "oh I had a shit upbringing" so now the world owes me a living. Guess what, it doesn't.

Then brother only seems to get in contact with the OP when he wants something. Hardly a basis for a warm familial relationship.

If my sibling had a run of genuine bad luck that was beyond their control (eg. serious illness/injury meant lost income), then I'd be there in a heartbeat to help out. Just coasting along in life, making bad choices and thinking/expecting people to prop you up instead of doing something for yourself? No way. Your mess, your responsibility.

Opener I can see both sides I too have a feckless brother. I think if you can do anything to help your. Brother keep his job I would do so . So definately the travel card but lay down the rules of. I will help you but you have to help yourself. Also I agree with posters who say get to know him more what is this sickness how bad is it . he has reached out to you. Give him a chance and if he lets you down again least you know you tried

It's the same rhetoric that the Tories and right wing press use against benefit claimants to demonise them.
The Tories do that and its bloody awful but its not what the OP is suggesting.

Then brother only seems to get in contact with the OP when he wants something.
This is the real issue. The OP would probably have zero issue helping if her brother had made an effort with her over the years and was in contact generally, not just when he wants money.

This has made me really angry!

It is replies like this that make people like me sink further into depression because we have made the hardest decision of our lives to cut family off because of the constant abuse of us emotionally and financially.

Yes you might not be able to cut family members off but it is not that way for all of us. Sometime protection of ourselves is all we can do.

OP consider the effect both actions would have on you and then work to that effect.

There is a massive difference between helping out a sibling who is generally responsible but in trouble for whatever reason and enabling irresponsible behaviour. Everything you have said screams the latter. Don't feel guilty.

If your brother had come to you and said I need to sort my life out, I am doing x y and z to help sort it and then mentioned having his overdraft cleared would help it would be different. He hasn't he basically is moaning his life is shit and doing nothing about it.

Op I don't think you are being unreasonable. You haven't seen your brother, or put another way your brother hasn't made the effort to see you, in six years and you've barely been in written contact in that time. You have a very distant relationship with each other and I don't believe that you are under an obligation to financially rescue or support your brother. There is obviously no coincidence that he is struggling at the moment and has chosen to contact you. Either he has run out of friends and acquaintances to ask for help or he doesn't have any and so he's turned to you as a final option, that doesn't make it your problem. I think you are right to just offer support, guidance and a listening ear. I think some posters who think you should support your brother financially are perhaps superimposing the good relationship they have with their siblings on to your situation.

Does he even have a job?

YABU

It doesn't sound like you've ever helped him financially before and family should be there to help each other. You can afford to help him, by the sounds of it, you just don't want to and that's what you feel guilty about.

Sounds like he is having a totally shit time and you're not willing to make life a little easier for him. Fair enough if you had bailed him out time and time again but you haven't.

Yes, he may be 28 but not everyone has got their heads screwed on at that age and when you have zero support things can be pretty shit.

Having read all your posts, it would be wrong to give him money or a place to stay. You can explain that you can't as youre not in a position to (don't explain why), however you are keen to support him in finding ways forward. He has to help himself essentially but you can link him to citizens advice, various budgeting websites, free counselling to get to the core of the issue and so on. You can't solve his problems. Only he can.

I think a lot of posters are forgetting that not every family set up is the same and some siblings are just not close. Please think outside the box and appreciate how difficult this situation is for OP.

From the sounds of it, the close friend who you speak to every day and you seek advice and support from is closer to "family" for you than your brother. Do not feel guilty for using this friend for support. Blood thicker than water is not always the case.

It sounds like you have already tried to help him several times and I can see why you are reluctant to help out again.

Offer what you can if it eases any guilt OP, but do not feel obliged. You need to put your self first and protect your self. You've worked really hard to over come your difficult past and to get where you are.

I completely agree with not allowing him to move in with you as, I know , it could quickly turn sour and be difficult if you need him to leave. PP suggestion of having him over for dinner to help is good, also you can see for yourself how he is doing, but do not be bullied in to anything more. It sounds like he is using emotional blackmail in order to get what needs/wants from you.

I really do feel for you OP, take care of yourself