Nursery teacher blaming my DD for getting hurt?!

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My head has absolutely hit the roof this afternoon, so have come to MN to try and get some perspective if IBU… the red mist has descended and I want to go in all guns blazing but need to calm down.

My DD is 2.5 and goes to nursery 5 days a week. The nursery was chosen v carefully and she has always been happy there (even not wanting to leave activities to come home!) she skips in each morning and loves telling us what she has been doing. However, I have never clicked with her teacher; I find her lazy and happy to do the bare minimum.

For background:
a) I drop DD off 3 days and week and DH the other two. Normally the teacher isn’t there at the time I drop her (8:50 in time to get to work), so she goes into the breakfast club ran by the head briefly then over to her class. DH drops her straight to her teacher. 2 days a week DH collects her, 2 days a week childminder and 1 day a week grandparents.
b) At the beginning of term parents were told by teacher that she would only be giving and writing in home diaries to those families who wrote back as no one had the previous year. We were all surprised, having presumed it was only for advising of illness or something specific. But she wanted daily communication of child’s afternoon after nursery, what we’ve done at the weekend, how they have slept etc. Ok fine no problem, have been writing at least 3 sentences each day all year. Teacher only has to tick boxes for how well the child ate, slept and used the toilet, with the option to add a line of description. At best I have had this reply back from her once a week, but she says she is too busy to fill them out for all the children. Fair enough, though confirms laziness to me.

Back to yesterday/today. It was childminders pick up day. She calls me at work which I knew meant something wrong. DD has had her face scratched by another child. It has been bleeding. Teacher said she didn’t have time to write in diary, but told CM who it had been, and that he had scratched FIVE classmates that day. Cm sends me a photo and the scratch goes from by her eye down to her chin and skin has been broken all the way along.

When I get home DD is upset, tells me who it was, has a comfort and goes to bed happy. In the morning I drop her off but don’t see her teacher, the head is there. I show the head the diary and say that I can understand why the diary might not get filled in daily but that in the case of an incident like yday there needs to be communication from the nursery. She apologises, says the little boy had a v bad day yday and that she will remind the teacher of protocol.

Grandparents pick up DD today and this is the note sent home: “I told your CM yday that I hadn’t had time to write in the diaries! They had a fight in the playground, your DD is very restless and annoys the other children! That’s why she got scratched!” ( I haven’t added the ! that’s how she has written it).

I dropped DD straight into the classroom on Wed morning (day before incident) and had a quick chat with teacher, NOTHING was mentioned about any bad behavior. Nor to my DH who she sees 4 times a week. The head didn’t mention any bad behavior on her part. FIVE children were hurt yday in one class of 15, FIVE.

So, AIBU to want to go and rip the teacher a new one? As far as I can make out, the head has given her a nod regarding communicating incidents home, and her solution has been to send me (not the first) snotty note saying its my DDs own fault if her face gets scratched to blood in her care, and she doesn’t have time to communicate this to me?! Thank god DD is moving school in September.

To be at my most generous I suppose the teacher was not happy you 'reported' her to the head. I obviously realise from your POV that it was convenient for you to tell the Head as they were just there.

The snotty note and victim blaming is AWFUL, and I wouldn't be impressed they named the boy who did it either. Round here we just get told "child did X" so that they are not stigmatised.

We also have to sign incident reports. I've had special notes home regarding more serious (but still minor) accidents.

Two things...

• Complete and utter breach of confidentiality by discussing the behaviour of another child with you. I will be fuming at the mouth if i were the other parent anr caught wind of my child being discussed in this way..... Also concerned what's been said to them about your dd.

• Secondly... Communication through a third party should come with an accident form filled in to pass to you advising what they did. I..e medicial attention.

I am quite disturbed by what i am reading here.. Wow.

I'd be pretty furious with a complete lack of paperwork over the scratching. I'd ask to see the incident log and notes from the first aider who (should have) checked her over. With regard to the communication book reply back with a comment that you are very disappointed with the teacher's attitude and surprised it isn't a policy that no amount of "annoyance" can justify a physical attack.

Wow. I'd be showing the head the diary entry from the teacher and asking her if its usual practice to blame the victim. I'd be raging and threatening to remove your child until there's an improvement.

Also, my DH says we need to go in together to speak to the Head on Monday (its a v small nursery, only 6 staff incl. head so thats not a massively formal thing to do). I think we need to speak directly to the teacher who is the problem here. But from her attitude so far, it isnt going to be a productive chat, so maybe we need the Head there too? Don't think its feasible to arrange that for first thing on Monday morning now, but I can't sit on this any longer than that!!!!

I can understand the not having time to fill diaries out. To be honest I'd prefer a nursery worker was spending time with kids rather than doing paperwork while the kids are still there.

But saying your dd is "restless" and annoys the other children is silly and to me doesn't even make sense. A child being restless in a playground doesn't annoy other children. I think you need to talk to the nursery worker to ask them how the incident occurred. It is possible that your dd annoyed the boy in some way such as getting in his face......and yes while that shouldn't be an excuse for getting scratched that's how 2yos sometimes react if they're annoyed by another child. Yes, they need telling its not kind to react like that but it's not unusual behaviour.

I'm not upset about the other boys behaviour, they're toddlers, it happens. I'm angry about the way it has been handled by the teacher.

Nothing about the nursery teachers conduct was appropriate. I would be speaking to the Head as the teacher hasnt followed protocol at all.

Absolutely not ok!

Firstly they shouldn't have discussed another child with you/grandparents

Secondly, the teachers attitude towards a small child In her care is appalling. If DD is annoying someone the teacher needs to address that with her there and then, not let another child scratch her face. And that's even if it's true your DD was being annoying at all (as everyone can be at times, adult and child).

The diary sounds weird, I get that it's s lot of effort if they don't get anything back the other way but it sounds like you're doing the diary for them instead of the other way around. It should primarily be for nursery to home communication with home to nursery if necessary.

Sorry I'm not blaming your DD. The teachers attitude was horrible even if DD was being annoying. Chances are she wasn't doing anything and the teacher was just cross you'd spoken to the head.

There is never an excuse for another child to get physical so the fact she basically blamed your DD is appalling! And the child wasn't told off for scratching the first child and had time to scratch another four?! Deffo something not right there

Thanks for taking the time to reply, am glad to see I'm not being totally U. Perhaps she was being annoying, she's also 2, it happens... but I find it a coincidence that behaviour problems towards her classmates have never been mentioned to us until this incidence. Plus, by the sounds of things 4 other children must have been annoying him too as he scratched five faces yday. Not the point, but confirms victim blaming to me which is whats pushed my buttons the most... What kind of adult places the blame for something on a 2yo?!

Thats shocking! It should have been written in the book and also how on earth can she blame your dd for another child scratching her? Thats like saying, yeah she deserved to be hit by that kid because she was being annoying

I don't see why a teacher cannot tell a parent which kid is hurting theirs. If my child was coming home injured I would want to know who did it and under what circumstances. Especially if it was not a one off.

I would have serious concerns with that person being in charge of my child. I hope you get some answers and some apologies OP.

First of all, YANBU. She shouldn't discuss the other child with you, she should be filling out the diary, there should have been an accident form and she should definitely not have blamed your DD.

But I'm a bit confused by the set up - I'd it a private nursery or a pre-school? Should there be one staff member in charge of one age group without a colleague? I'm sure our nursery policy is for there to be two staff members at all times. It seems a bit too much like 'school' for a two year old?

Any fool can see that this is a disciplinary matter.

YANBU in anyway, shape or form.

I would see the head and not the teacher. Head is the line manager who would be expected to deal with comments like that. You are emotional about it as is the teacher and you pay them so let them sort it internally.

Re the incident - the school should be sending home an incident/accident form for anything like that. What if something else had happened at the childminders and she had blamed the school? (Not saying she did, just a scenario where they are leaving themselves open to accusations). That incident form is the only thing you have when you take child to the dr/er because its infected etc and you need to know times, locations of injury, what caused it etc because that would impact on treatments. A word with cm is not sufficient for injuries.

I'm sure just showing the Head the diary will have her ripping the Teacher a new one.

It is a private nursery, we live abroad. It is similar to a school setting in some ways, but there is a classroom assistant, as well as the teacher. She is only a uni student doing her placement though so teacher is clearly in charge x

I am shocked by the message in the book. It is not acceptable. It's not appropriate to mention another child by name either. The only excusable bit is she spoke in person to childminder about incident so it's not necessary to put it in the book as there has been a handover. It's better if it is in the book but the only purpose of that is to let the next carer know really. I hope there is an official accident record too though so check that.

Well you've got a very interesting note to show the head when you go in on Monday anyway!

I would also go straight to the Head, if they see the need they could arrange another appointment between all 3 of you. I'd be furious and actually would be better that I wouldn't see the teacher when complaining , best to remove yourself take the emotions out of it.

How she communicated with you and your childminder was not acceptable. How she spoke about your daughter was not acceptable. How she gossiped about the other child was not acceptable. This isn't something you need to sit down and come up with a strategy together with the teacher so let the Head deal with telling her how to behave properly.

I'd certainly go and see the head rather than the teacher, but I think I'd also be looking for another nursery if that teacher is going to stay.

I was going to say the lazy comment was uncalled for .. it takes alot of time to do every childs meal sleep nappy taking pictures and uploading them (our day check is online)

But she should not have told you which child it was or that they had done it to other children and she should have fillied in a accident report and had your childminder sign it. I believe they are breaking offstead regulations/laws if they dont.

Secondly she should not have spoken to you like that.

The scratch... its hirrid when your child is hurt but it happens. But i would remove your child vecause of how it was delt with and inwould be reporting to offstead.

She sounds unprofessional but your language sounds very aggressive considering this is a communication issue - nothing she did caused the injury. 'Rip her a new one' and 'red mist descending' - you sound as though your own conduct over this could be inappropriate if you don't take a step back and calm down.

If this had been in the UK there would be an accident book - and that would have to have been filled in (its a legal requirement for any place of work, school etc.). And when a child is injured enough that the parent is informed the parents (or CM etc.) would be asked to sign the entry.

How many children are there to each adult?

Are you a different nationality from the nursery? Is the nursery teacher of the "home" nationality?
Things can be handled very differently in different countries. But this is a bad sign.