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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish that just this once, my friend would contribute to the food

67 replies

user1489765049 · 17/03/2017 15:47

I have a friend I've known 5 years. He's loyal, never gossips, is honest and genuine.

There's only one problem.

While him and his boyfriend have a joint income of 65k a year and I'm a single mum on minimum wage, his idea of us meeting up is him coming to mine once a month in the morning eating lunch, drinks, snacks, dinner and snacks in the evening while I run around tidying up after him and serving his every need.

He came today and I made omelettes and soup, washed up his cups and plates, made dinner and washed them up, then made drinks. The made his bed up. In the morning I make breakfast and a drink again/wash up after him/tidy the bathroom.

Even though I've completely stopped doing anything expensive food wise and he has to make do with cereal, baked potatoes etc the cost comes to about £10 all in and for me, that's actually quite a lot.

He has never invited me to his, never suggested meeting up outside of my house and whenever I suggest it he says he doesn't have much money. I have never invited him to mine, he invites himself.

I feel bad but I dread him coming over as I used to be a waitress and I honestly feel like I've done a 12 hour shift by the time he's left! He never contributes a penny. Never once offered to pay for a take away so I don't have to cook or brought something along like a bottle of wine or a dessert to help/contribute. He basically comes and I'm a waitress for 12 hours while he's here. By the time he's left I feel exhausted as I also have two children to look after.

The final nail in the coffin was he came today and decided to stay overnight and he asked me to bring the footstool to the right so he could put his feet on it!!!! I'd just spent an hour washing all the dishes and making dinner, he could have got up and moved it himself. I don't expect him to help but he could make his own drink!

Despite this he genuinely cares for me, is never jealous of me, we talk about everything and anything and deep down he's not a bad person, just badly brought up by a mum who saw to his every need. I actually think he's selfish to the extent that he cannot see the needs of anyone but himself.

He has no other friends as everyone gets fed up in the end and ends contact.

I absolutely want to stay friends. But I'm done trying to get him to have more social understanding. If I do ask him to bring something along 'why don't we have pizza night, you bring the dessert I will cook pizza' sort of thing, he never brings anything remotely decent or 'forgets' it or decides he doesn't want dessert so that doesn't help.

So while I will continue to see him. AIBU to put a stop to these visits altogether and arrange meet ups only at pubs/restaurants? Where I won't be paying for him and waiting on him hand and foot.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 17/03/2017 16:53

Yes I remember the lunch one. I wonder what my advice was last time, I'll probably contradict myself Grin

Just eat before he gets there, feed your kids etc, and stop offering him food. Don't even make him a cup of tea. He should get message.

QuiteLikely5 · 17/03/2017 16:58

Last time people said don't begrudge giving him lunch but this time it has extended to breakfast lunch and dinner!

Megatherium · 17/03/2017 17:03

The trouble with meeting up in pubs and restaurants is that will end up costing you more than £10.

If you're able to talk about anything and everything, why have you not talked about this? Surely if you have that good a relationship, you can say something like "Look, you probably haven't realised this and I'm not blaming you for it, but every time you come round here I end up paying for all your food, preparing it and washing up after you, and I just can't afford it and it's exhausting. So to even things up, can we work on the basis that at least for the next 6 months, every time you come round we will have a take-away that you pay for , and after that we'll go halves?

GirlElephant · 17/03/2017 17:05

I also think this is vey familiar, from memory he visits you as his DM is in a hospital near you?

I think if he's such a good friend you need to be honest that you can't afford to host even on a budget. As for fetching someone a foot stool with a good friend I would have laughed off such a request

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2017 17:08

Didn't you deal with this the last time people advised you, OP?

Original poster
user1489765049 · 17/03/2017 17:14

Thanks everyone. This is the first time I've posted about this.

I know he's taking me for a mug. But I genuinely think he has no ability to see he's being rude of empathise. Maybe I'm being too nice!

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 17/03/2017 17:16

I think most people have a fair amount of give and take in them, but a certain few people fall into another camp - they are purely givers or takers. Takers can be OK in small doses, however your patience eventually runs thin and you can't be drained anymore as you have nothing left to give. I think you're reaching that point OP, and only he can redeem this. You need to be honest, text or write a letter and say you cherish the friendship, it means the world to you, but it feels very one way and you need more from it to continue ie a little effort now and then. Ball is then in his court entirely. But also remember that people can only take if you let them...............

Sonders · 17/03/2017 17:16

I have a friend who visits maybe 4 weekends a year and if I didn't say anything, would not contribute 90% of the time.

Here's the trick.

Say something.

Honestly, if he's a good friend just say you're eating me out of house and home. We're getting takeaway next time and you're paying for it.

triskele · 17/03/2017 17:21

Why have you posted this again? You got plenty of response last time and clearly have taken no advice from that.

Serialweightwatcher · 17/03/2017 17:29

If someone is such a good friend, why can't you just tell him - ask him to contribute foodwise, ask him to help you wash up - tell him he can't stay over because it's such hard work for you - just tell him!

DarylDixonsAllMine · 17/03/2017 17:30

Next time he says he's coming over, just say to him isn't it your turn to organise dinner this time - I feel like I'm always doing it.

LaContessaDiPlump · 17/03/2017 17:34

op, I'm sure I've read this exact thread before....

DJBaggySmalls · 17/03/2017 17:34

Yep. It was only a few months ago.

mickeysminnie · 17/03/2017 17:37

So you suggest you go there and he knocks that on the head because he can't afford it.
But rocks up to yours uninvited?
He's not your friend, you are his substitute Mammy when he needs a break!
If he was a friend he would be more than happy to reciprocate.
Next time he decides he is coming over ask him to stop and off at the shop and pick up supplies as you have no food in. When he arrives with nothing send him back out to the shop.

IamFriedSpam · 17/03/2017 17:38

I would be honest but gentle if he's a nice person. If he suggests coming to your house say "you are welcome to come - i love seeing you but only if you bring dinner, I'm so tired looking after two kids I can't handle cooking and cleaning up and I can't afford the extra food"

OliviaStabler · 17/03/2017 17:39

But I genuinely think he has no ability to see he's being rude of empathise

Rubbish. He is playing you. Stop inviting him over!

harderandharder2breathe · 17/03/2017 17:41

I also remember your last post

If you're not willing to tell him it's a problem then there's not much other advice to be given

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2017 17:44

I also thought this was the one that was posted before, where the guy was a mentor and provided references etc, and basically supported you throughout your career and you objected because he came once a month and you had to give him a sandwich. And you got slaughtered for not wanting to do it.

HecateAntaia · 17/03/2017 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ptumbi · 17/03/2017 17:57

You do sounds incredibly passive - you say he asked you to move a footstool to the right for him? And (presumably) you did it, as you say he 'could have done it himself'?

Why? Why in gods name would you stop the cooking and washing up and cleaning, to move a footstool to under his feet? That is actually not jsut passive, that is.... dunno, slaving? Ingratiating? Martyring?

What would he have done if you'd said 'move it yourself you lazy Git'? Got upset? Angry? Thought less of you?

MadamePomfrey · 17/03/2017 17:58

Yeah I remember the other thread to loads of advice but there was a reason for not doing any of it what are you thinking is different this time?

Serialweightwatcher · 17/03/2017 18:01

If you have to ask for advice more than once, you're never going to take it so you and we are all wasting our time Hmm

expatinscotland · 17/03/2017 18:05

Oh, c'mon! He knows exactly what he's doing! Next time he invites himself over you say, 'No. I feel very taken advantage of. I'm tired of being used as a restaurant and waitress. I can't afford it, either.'

You went and fetched him a footstool?! He sits on his arse whilst you wait on him?! WTAF. 'I cooked, now you clean, there's the kitchen.'

You know why some people take the piss? Because others allow them to.

Hateloggingin · 17/03/2017 18:06

Have read this thread before but just lunch. You aren't even getting a shag out of this!!

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