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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to send our neighbors a little something?

74 replies

passmethewineplease · 17/03/2017 13:21

We live in a semi detached house and the walls aren't all that thick.

I have three DC, two of whom regularly wake up crying in the night and are incredibly noisy. Like stupidly loud. They are a bit behind development wise and as such their understanding is a bit limited. One goes out of her way to make loud bangs and noises whilst the other likes to squeal. They're 2 and 3.

I'm really worried we're pissing off our childless neighbors. We are trying to discipline them accordingly and remove certain items which cause the noise but somethings we can't remove so we try to remove them though this creates a loud tantrum in itself.

Would I look a bit weird if I dropped a little something off for them? Just like a sorry about the noise at the moment and a little
bottle of something?

Or would they think WTF? I can't decide!

OP posts:

Original poster

passmethewineplease · 17/03/2017 16:43

Which is why I'm trying hard to rectify it.

OP posts:

danTDM · 17/03/2017 16:47

I'm pleased. After 2 or 3 years they will be too.

Janey50 · 17/03/2017 16:58

OP you sound lovely. I think that would be a really nice thing to do for your neighbour. Having been on the receiving end of a neighbour's incredibly noisy children in the past, and the parents not giving a fucking damn I know that something like this would have gone a long way to placate me. Just knowing that someone is aware of the situation and is apologetic about it makes it much easier to bear.

SheldonsSpot · 17/03/2017 17:20

Depends how long it's been going on for.

If this is a relatively new thing, say 2 weeks or so, then a box of chocs and an apology and "were doing our best to fix this" will probably be gratefully received.

If it's been upwards of 4 weeks you may get a frosty reception, after about 4 weeks I'd be seething if I were your neighbours tbh - crying is one thing but children banging things and having a tantrum loudly in the middle of the night is just not on.

zukiecat · 17/03/2017 21:12

BackForGood

I don't know anyone who would do a raffle to give it to them for a prize, and I only really have one friend that I see and she's teetotal as well

I would never say anything to a neighbour if they gave me alcohol, but there really wouldn't be anyone for me to give it to

LegoLady95 · 17/03/2017 21:34

I have a similar issue with DS1. He has severe learning disabilities and can be very loud (not during the night but in the garden, particularly on the trampoline). Not tantrums but squeals of delight and unusual stimming noises. My neighbours are lovely, and I know they would never say anything, but I do feel bad for them sometimes. I do apologise and try my best to reduce his noises/just let him out for short bursts etc. I think a gift ideas a lovely idea, and I might do it myself.

BackforGood · 17/03/2017 22:05

Don't you have colleagues, zukie ? Or anything you belong to?
Could you not find a local charity? There are zillions of fundraisers that would appreciate donations such as that

OverOn · 17/03/2017 22:10

I completely understand where DanTDM is coming from. My neighbour has two DC. The first DC was sleep trained by letting him cry - seemed to work after a month.

The second is coming up to a year old and is now being sleep trained. This involves letting the baby cry from 5:30/6am to 7am. It's been going on since christmas and my own DC are tired as they're waking so early with the baby crying. I can hear the parents come into the room at 7, when they pick him up and he stops immediately.

I haven't said anything to them as who wants to complain about a crying baby. If anyone can suggest a way of telling them how it's affecting us without coming across as an arse, please let me know.

Original poster

passmethewineplease · 17/03/2017 23:21

They have lived there 6 months or so, so they haven't endured them for 2/3 years as such.

Can I add we are not sleep training them, they just don't sleep through.

My daughter actively seeks out loud noises. I've already said we take things away and remove her but we can't get it right 100% on the time, sometimes I'm busy sorting the other child out.

It's not as if I'm buying them a set of drums and telling them to express themselves.

What would you do sheldon? Out of curiosity, I'm open to suggestions.

OP posts:

Original poster

passmethewineplease · 17/03/2017 23:22

Also we don't let them cry at night we respond straight away as we have an older dc who we don't want to disturb.

OP posts:

Ouch44 · 18/03/2017 00:17

My neighbours one side are building a kitchen extension and neighbours other side are redoing their kitchen.

Bumped into neighbour doing the extension and had a moan about the noise. He apologised and said he would ask the builders to be more considerate.

Other neighbours apologised in advance from noise from kitchen. So even just an apology goes a long way. Cake would be even better!

SheldonsSpot · 18/03/2017 08:15

They've been enduring this for 6 months?!

What would I do? Move the children to a room that is not directly against the neighbours wall for starters, and remove everything that the child can bang to make noises during the night before they go to bed and before the 3am tantrum - if that means that the child sleeps in an empty room with nothing but a bed then that's what I'd do.

lozzylizzy · 18/03/2017 08:37

"Maybe flowers, posh biscuits or cake rather than alcohol though"

What if the neighbour has an allergy to pollen or cakes!

danTDM · 18/03/2017 08:42

Thanks overon It is exactly the situation you describe.

I really am quite cross. When I think of all the things I do to be considerate to them. Earphones for the piano practice, for my daughters games on the ipad etc. No music after 8pm. I saw the woman yesterday and couldn't look at her. She knows fully what she is putting us through.

I've lived in cities so flats all my life. There are just ways to behave which become automatic. Taking off heels when you get in, for example. Anti social behaviour is horrid.

danTDM · 18/03/2017 08:44

If she gave me a 'posh biscuit' I would throw it at her TBH.
Sheldon seems to have come up with an easy and practical solution, for starters.

Original poster

passmethewineplease · 18/03/2017 09:07

Already done that sheldon.

However sometimes my daughter likes to bang the radiator, she gets told off and removed from the situation. Unfortunately I can't remove my radiator. The noise is dreadful.

They don't bang in the night? but they do cry, we are getting advice from our HV about trying to get them to sleep through.

They make most noise in the day/afternoon/early evening. Short of leaving the house with them I'm not sure what else I could do.

I bet you've got some more suggestions though.

OP posts:

Original poster

passmethewineplease · 18/03/2017 09:08

Also mine don't have toys in bedrooms anyway! Teddies and that's it.

All toys are kept in downstairs in playroom.

OP posts:

ratticus · 18/03/2017 09:12

We regularly send apology cards to our neighbours on both sides... Our boys are hideously noisy (think colic +) and the walls are thin. Luckily they are both incredibly understanding and lovely.

zukiecat · 18/03/2017 11:14

I do have colleagues BackForGood but I don't belong to any groups, I go to work and I come home, I don't socialise, partly because of financial reasons and partly because I struggle with social occasions

My adult DC are not drinkers either

The cakes/biscuits or flowers were just suggestions, same as someone suggested a bottle of wine

itsonlysubterfuge · 18/03/2017 12:37

My DD is 4 and we would tell her to stop jumping up and down on the floor because it might be noisy for the neighbour underneath. DD then goes up to the neighbour and asked her if she was making too much noise jumping. Our lovely neighbour said no and that it's was fine for DD to jump as it was fun to jump around when your a kid. Thank Goodness we have such a lovely neighbour!

Honeyandfizz · 19/03/2017 07:16

Definitely do it. I am about to buy a house that is a complete wreck. There is going to be A LOT of drilling and banging and inevitably this will be at weekends too. I am going to pop round to the new neighbours and introduce myself and explain we will try and be as quick as possible and hope they don't hold it against me forever.

Nicpem1982 · 19/03/2017 07:40

We've been in our house for around 6 years and we have a 2.5 year old dd.

Over the years we've sent cards, wine and a cheese board to apologise for noise which on occasion was unavoidable.

When dd was a baby she had colic and no amount of cuddling would soothe her or stop her crying in the middle of the night.

after one of the worst nights where she was screaming for what seemed like hours the next morning my neighbor knocked our door and I was fully expecting a "can you try and keep it down please" type conversation but instead she'd cooked me and dh dinner and gave us a small chilled bottle of wine and a beer for dh as "they'd heard we'd had a rough night and we must be exhausted" and to knock if we need anything

DrippyWet · 19/03/2017 09:30

HoneyandFizz
I am about to buy a house that is a complete wreck. There is going to be A LOT of drilling and banging and inevitably this will be at weekends too. I am going to pop round to the new neighbours and introduce myself and explain we will try and be as quick as possible and hope they don't hold it against me forever

We had neighbour do this and we didn't mind. The thing that worked for us was that they agreed to keep the noise to very set times. We liked a lie in at the weekends and they agreed not to start any work until after 9:30. They also agreed that there be no noise after (I think) 8 during the week and 5 (actually can't quite remember!) on Friday, sat and Sunday. In return they could ,are as much noise the rest of the time without worrying.

For us it was knowing that the noise would definitely stop at XX time that meant it didn't bother us.

If they needed to work outside the set times they just let us know. It worked well and there was no resentment by anyone. They continued to be great Nieghbours.

We had previously had Nieghbours do odd bits of drilling etc at 10 at night, it was far, far less in duration but ten times more annoying.

PollytheDolly · 19/03/2017 12:32

We are the childless neighbours and we couldn't care less about noise from next door. We have adult DCs and the only thought I have is "thank god we don't have to do that anymore".

I'd think it was a lovely gesture but I wouldn't expect it. It's life.

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