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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my dd to have a relationship with her grandmother?

58 replies

Nicegurl · 16/03/2017 23:27

My husband is practically no contract with his mother and has been since he was 15 and his mother left his father for a woman. They aren't completely no contact as they have seen each other at his siblings house where my dh will say hello and nothing more.

It's not my business to tell my husband to talk to his mother I understand that and he is still quite hurt and has felt like his mum 'abandoned' the family. It's just now we have three month old dd and dh has told me he doesn't want her to have anything to do with his mother.

She's a great hands on grandmother to her other grandchildren though and I know as my dd grows up she will see her cousins going to nannys and wonder why she can't too. I don't think it's fair for him to force his adult decision on our children so they miss out. Wibu to insist my dd has a relationship with her?

OP posts:

SparkleSunshine201 · 16/03/2017 23:57

YABU. It's his mum and he knows her better than you.

citychick · 17/03/2017 00:12

i dont think u are being unreasonable at all OP.
the two relationships are different and i feel it would be very sad for your DD if your OH s feelings were used to prevent a relationship.

I've no idea how u can make this happen without him feeling cross about it or trying to prevent it. you might have to take this into your own hands as it sounds as if he wont get involved.

i wish u luck.

PodgeBod · 17/03/2017 00:13

Yabu this is his mother and so should be his decision.

Original poster

Nicegurl · 17/03/2017 01:10

So my dd gets to miss out because he can't get over something which happened 15+ years ago?

OP posts:

Aberry · 17/03/2017 01:18

You weren't there 15 years ago so could be more to the story.
I think you should respect his wishes and surely you spoke about this before having a kid with him? So you should have known his view

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/03/2017 01:30

"So my dd gets to miss out because he can't get over something which happened 15+ years ago?"
That's a bit harsh don't you think, OP? She walked out when he was 15, an age when we are finding our emotional feet in the world. She didn't just leave his father, she left him too. Or at least that's how he feels. Plus he was old enough to see - and understand - what it did to his father. He lost trust in her. At some level he feels sure that if she'll do that to her children, she's capable of doing it to her grandchildren; so not allowing a relationship between them protects his daughter from feeling what he felt. Presumably his siblings were at a less vulnerable age and so were able to deal with it differently.

How did his mother handle it all back then? Do you know? Have you asked either of them?

Topseyt · 17/03/2017 01:43

You presumably weren't there when the walking out incident or the build up to it happened. Your DH was and he clearly doesn't want his mother in his life, which she increasingly will be if you follow through with insisting on this.

There could easily be much more to this than you actually know.

I have close relatives I have barely even met and wouldn't recognise if I walked past them in the street. I don't think I missed out as a child.

His mother, his decision. I would keep out of it.

sobeyondthehills · 17/03/2017 01:51

To give you another point of view OP.

My DP's parents are both dead, and he has no siblings. However both of his grandparents are still alive and he has aunts, uncles and cousins. He doesn't really talk about his mum, but I know she died when he was 6 and he had to go live with his dad and for some reason his dad broke all contact with his mother's side of the family.

After having our son, and his eldest being older and asking questions, he wanted to get in touch with his mother's side of the family. We found them and sent them a letter. Nearly a year later, and 2 letters having been sent. We have heard nothing.

You are making a decision for you DP not knowing any of the history, just like us, you might be in for a rude awakening if she doesn't make contact.

For my partners sake, I wish we hadn't.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 17/03/2017 01:54

His mother, his decision. You weren't there, you don't know what it was like for him.

The fact that he feels so much pain 15 years later shows how difficult it was for him and I do think you could try to be a bit more understanding.

Your DD will never know any different.

emmyrose2000 · 17/03/2017 04:21

She might be a good grandmother to her other grandkids, but she sure as hell wasn't a good mother to her own kids. She abandoned them/him. If DH doesn't want his daughter to be involved with her then I would follow his lead on this.

DH isn't doing this to annoy/spite you. He has a genuine reason for not wanting his so-called mother near his child. He probably has a fear that she'll abandon your DD at some point too, and he understandably wants to protect her from that.

(My opinion would be the same had it been his father who'd left instead).

emmyrose2000 · 17/03/2017 05:14

So my dd gets to miss out because he can't get over something which happened 15+ years ago?

That seems awfully dismissive of what your MIL did, and how your DH must've been affected and probably still feels today.

This wasn't just an argument about homework or getting home late. His mother walked out on him when he was still a child/teen! That's not something you just "get over". Have some compassion for the man.

Out2pasture · 17/03/2017 05:16

I guess i'm the odd one out here. I think you should encourage the relationship.
if I have the story right his mother left the family for another woman?
I can imagine the issues would be a mix of shame, confusion about sexuality and abandonment.
but would it have been easier for her to live the lie for 10-20 or what 30 more years?
if she is a good person I would encourage "a relationship" and if necessary have your husband explore ways of coming to terms with this issue.

londonrach · 17/03/2017 05:32

Please dont get involved him. I have a vvv good friend who nc with her mum when she walked out on her aged 8. She has dc who never seen her mum due to alot of hurt, other things. His mum, his decision. You dont know the history.

nooka · 17/03/2017 05:35

My dh has very limited contact with his father and as a result our children don't really know him at all. I've encouraged dh to work things out with his dad, but there is no way I would try and interfere and getting our children to visit their grandfather without dh being OK with that would be a massive interference. If he did something like that to me I would feel completely undermined and it would really shake my trust in him. I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive it.

curlii103 · 17/03/2017 06:27

Did she really abandon them...because she still sees his siblings and their children. Lots of parents split up and 15 is old enough to understand

TaliDiNozzo · 17/03/2017 06:33

I think I would encourage DH to talk about what happened. There may be more to it, but equally it may be that he hasn't been able to thus far let go of feelings of abandonment which may or may not be warranted.

I don't think it's fair on your DD to not at least explore the idea of her having a relationship with her nana.

I speak as someone who was denied a relationship with one side of my family for years and it did hurt and cause damage so don't be too quick to dismiss that.

ChishandFips33 · 17/03/2017 06:33

Tricky one but my thoughts are that it'll be your relationship that pays a price - and then your daughter is likely caught up in hearing you argue, tension etc

Wellitwouldbenice · 17/03/2017 06:35

Blimey op - you are harsh 'because he can't get over something that happened 15 years ago'. Why don't you spend some time learning to understand how he felt, feels now and his experience. If ignoring and belittling the perceptions and experiences of others is something you do a lot, it might give you food for thought about your own relationship with your own child - which is what you should focus on.

IamFriedSpam · 17/03/2017 07:30

I don't think YABU but I do think you could be more empathetic to your DH. It's a shame he hasn't been able to get over his mum leaving after so long - do you know why he feels so hurt? Have you discussed this calmly with him? Ultimately I don't think you should override his wishes but I can see why it's important to you that your DD doesn't miss out on someone who could potentially add something to her life. Could you consider some family therapy?

Original poster

Nicegurl · 17/03/2017 08:23

She didn't abandon them. He's very close to his father and has took his side and refused to see his mother or speak to her after she left. All of her other children went to live with her and he refused. I get that he's hurting but yes her sexuality has a lot to do with it.

I know I was not there 15 years later but the only side of the story I am getting is my dh's. He doesn't see it as she abandoned him he says she 'betrayed his father' and so can never trust her again.

We are very close to his siblings and I expect our dd to grow up as being close to her cousins. Can no one else see how difficult it might be for a child out of 10 or so other kids to be the only one not allowed to see her grand-mother?

OP posts:

Original poster

Nicegurl · 17/03/2017 08:25

I'm sorry I was harsh last night but I was tired and I'd just had an argument with him because I suggested sending a photo of our dd to his mum and he flipped out. Of course I empathise with him, I love him. But I do find his black and white nature tiring.

OP posts:

ShoutOutToMyEx · 17/03/2017 08:34

I know I was not there 15 years later but the only side of the story I am getting is my dh's. He doesn't see it as she abandoned him he says she 'betrayed his father' and so can never trust her again.

His side is the only one that matters IMO - he's your husband, I think you have to trust in and validate his feelings.

I have (had, now) family I'd never want around my kids and I'd be devastated if DP tried to argue with me about that or force a relationship against my will. I've told him what happened, but he can never truly understand as he wasn't there and he also doesn't have the context, having never met the people concerned, let alone grown up with them.

It might not be forever, your DH might change his mind in a few years, especially if he sees and hears about his mum's relationship with DD's cousins. Talk to him about how you feel but I don't think you can force anything or make any demands - it's his mum and his feelings, his experiences and concerns are valid.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 17/03/2017 08:37

She didn't abandon them.

He thinks she did, though. That's how he feels. That's how it felt at the time. This was his experience.

You can't just say 15 years later, oh it didn't happen like that, get over it.

muhajaba · 17/03/2017 08:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP.
I think he needs to move on too and if your DD grows up seeing her cousins spending time with their GM and she isn't allowed to it could cause resentment towards your DH and general confusion.
I don't think his behaviour sets a good example, I think forgiveness does though.

PodgeBod · 17/03/2017 09:13

I think he's fully justified if he doesn't want to speak to his mother after what happened, even if everybody else has moved on. 15 is a hard age without your mother leaving to be with somebody else.
It's sad that you DD won't have a relationship with Granny but I really do think you should support your DH in this as it obviously has caused him a lot of pain. Is he the sort of person who would be open to counselling?

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