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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my dd to have a relationship with her grandmother?

58 replies

Nicegurl · 16/03/2017 23:27

My husband is practically no contract with his mother and has been since he was 15 and his mother left his father for a woman. They aren't completely no contact as they have seen each other at his siblings house where my dh will say hello and nothing more.

It's not my business to tell my husband to talk to his mother I understand that and he is still quite hurt and has felt like his mum 'abandoned' the family. It's just now we have three month old dd and dh has told me he doesn't want her to have anything to do with his mother.

She's a great hands on grandmother to her other grandchildren though and I know as my dd grows up she will see her cousins going to nannys and wonder why she can't too. I don't think it's fair for him to force his adult decision on our children so they miss out. Wibu to insist my dd has a relationship with her?

OP posts:
purplecollar · 17/03/2017 09:24

If everybody else has left his dad on his own he might have felt responsible for caring for him during this period and it would probably have been hellish for quite some time during a difficult period of his own life. Perhaps he cannot forgive her. I think YABU to try and force him into this. He probably copes by having limited contact with her.

Annesmyth123 · 17/03/2017 09:25

His mum his decision. You don't have the right to over rule that.

HelenaGWells · 17/03/2017 09:41

It is his decision but it seems such a shame. How is he going to cope if he goes to a siblings and she is there? Walk out? Ban his daughter from talking to her?

There really are no winners in this situation. All you can do is support him and encourage him to try and cope. Can he speak to his dad about it? Do you know how his dad feels? If his dad has forgiven her maybe that would help?

Applebite · 17/03/2017 09:44

Just to say I am in the same boat with my FIL, OP. DP hasn't seen him for years and professes not to be interested (although I can tell this isn't quite true). His sister and her kids do see him sometimes.

I lost my DM far too young and it breaks my heart that my DC will never know her. It seems to me that life is just too short not to see people when you can. But it's his father, not mine, so I go along with what he wants.

So I think YANBU but you have to leave it to him really :(

LucilleBluth · 17/03/2017 09:47

So....this woman should have stayed with her husband even though she was unhappy just because of her 15 year old son. I'm sorry but no, the op's DH could have gone with her, he chose not to, that's not abandonment.

I think the DH needs to grow up and develop some empathy. We are all fallable human beings.

BarbarianMum · 17/03/2017 09:55

She had an affair Lucille. It doesn't become more meaningful or romantic because she cheated with another woman. A decent person ends one relationship before starting another.

PodgeBod · 17/03/2017 10:40

Lucille if his father had left the family for the OW, would you say "well he could of gone with him if he wanted"? His family was broken up.
I'm sure it wasn't easy on the mother either, but ops dp is still entitled to his feelings.

PodgeBod · 17/03/2017 10:42

Sorry my post came out wrong. Obviously I don't think people should deny their sexuality just as Barbarian said they should end one relationship before tarting another.

Original poster
Nicegurl · 17/03/2017 11:30

Dh won't go to counselling. His dads still very angry at the situation and I can understand that completely.

Dh is quite a stubborn person and he does have a tendency just just cut people out his life if they make one mistake. Lots of friends we don't speak to anymore because they made a flippant comment or did something he didn't agree with. I've never pressurised him to restart any of those relationships - he's an adult. But I do feel different if it's going to negatively effect our dd.

OP posts:
Spring2016 · 17/03/2017 11:44

I would respect my spouses wishes. You can simply explain that her dad does not like his mother if she should ever ask. I don't think she will be affected as long as you handle any questions she brings up sensibly.

Original poster
Nicegurl · 17/03/2017 12:10

i am going to leave it for now.

Hypothetically, If she ever asks me to see her grandmother though I'm not going to say no.

OP posts:
ThePiglet59 · 17/03/2017 13:21

Get your DH to shag your best friend then see in 15 years if you're over it.

ollieplimsoles · 17/03/2017 13:39

If she ever asks me to see her grandmother though I'm not going to say no.

You have no right to do this. Your dh doesn't want it and she is his daughter too.

user1489261248 · 17/03/2017 13:45

YABU imo.

Your husband obviously has a lot of hurt around what his mother did, and you are about to try and drag him into a relationship with her that he flat out does not want. Dragging your daughter to see the woman is going to devastate your DH.

I know someone whose birth mother didn't want her when she was born, dumped her on the nan, and only ever spoke to her to shout at her, and criticise her. She used to hit her as well, and scream at her in public. Yet she worshipped her brother who was 7 years younger - still does 25 years later - and she now worships his 2 children. The hurt my friend feels is enormous.

If her husband were to take their children to this woman's house, my friend would be devastated. She cut her out of her life 15 years ago, for the sake of her own mental health, as she got panic attacks whenever she saw this woman. In addition, she had to move out of her home town, so she didn't keep bumping into her birth mother, as it caused her so much distress.

Also she has never been able to have a relationship with her half brother and his children because it causes her too much pain seeing them all, knowing the the birth mother worships them, and doesn't even acknowledge the existence of her and her children. It's left her insecure and caused awful abandonment issues.

Also, what makes you so sure your DH's mother even wants to see your grandchild OP? What if she tells you to fuck off?

Cheby · 17/03/2017 13:47

I think your DH sounds unreasonable here. Plenty of adults have affairs and are still good parents. And actually I would suggest a good father (ie your FIL) in this situation would encourage his children to have a positive relationship with their mother and keep their own anger under wraps. The fact that all the other siblings went to live with her and have happy relationships with her is telling. I suspect your DH's views are reinforced by FIL's anger.

MrsWhiteWash · 17/03/2017 13:57

If she ever asks me to see her grandmother though I'm not going to say no.

I would have thought that would be the point to talk it all through calmly with him again - point out it was affecting his DD not just him.

If you just take her - you may not find the welcome you expect form GM. You also risk not only hurting your DH but also damaging your relationship with your DH and losing his trust. That would have much more of an adverse effect on your DD.

The fact that all the other siblings went to live with her and have happy relationships with her is telling.

Parents can and do behaviour very differently with different children - so I don't think it means that at all. Though it's possible FIL has had adverse influence as well.

MrsWhiteWash · 17/03/2017 14:01

You might also find if there was been favoured and not favoured children that can and does carry over to grandchildren - which when it's your child is difficult and painful to watch and deal with and as a child not great to experience.

Original poster
Nicegurl · 17/03/2017 14:18

When I say 'I'm not going to say no' I mean I won't ban her from having the contact she wants. I'm not going to 'drag' her there. At the end of the day she has a right to see her grandmother if she wants to.

I've been in a relationship where I've been told who I can and can't speak to before. I'm not going to let my husband do that to me or my child no matter how much I love him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicegurl · 17/03/2017 14:22

For those saying yabu when does it stop? If my daughter at 10 that she wants to go with her cousins to nannys for tea what do I actually say? What about when she's 13 or 16?

She did not abuse my dh. She was a good mother he says so himself. This one incident in which she admittedly fucked up has just left him feeling like he can never trust her again and doesn't want her in his life. That's fine, I support that. But why should that negatively affect our daughter? Shouldn't she be allowed to make up her own mind?

Mil would be absolutely over the moon to have a relationship with dd. That is not even a question.

OP posts:
SpikeGilesSandwich · 17/03/2017 14:38

I feel sorry for your DH, you seem to think that your feelings matter more than his, this is his issue and his right not to have his mother involved with his daughter. You need to leave it alone, your DD is hardly going to be deprived, loads of people don't see their Granny, it's not that big a deal. Makes me wonder if there is more to it, are you after the free childcare or something?

user1489261248 · 17/03/2017 15:50

For those saying yabu when does it stop? If my daughter at 10 that she wants to go with her cousins to nannys for tea what do I actually say? What about when she's 13 or 16?

It 'stops' when your DH says it stops. He is the one carrying the pain and distress of his mother's affair, and her leaving. If this has not happened to you, you cannot imagine the pain he is feeling. And the distress he will be feeling at the thought of his wife wanting to try and get them to make amends, by taking your daughter to his mother's house, will be intense.

If your daughter has never met DH's mother before/never meets her, then why would she need or want to have anything to do with her? The friend I spoke about whose birth mother was so harsh and unfeeling and totally rejected her, but adores her son (my friend's half brother) has 2 children, and they have never ever expressed any interest in seeing their 'grandmother.' (my friend's birth mother.) So why do you think your daughter needs to have this woman in her life who caused so much pain and devastation to your husband?

Unfortunately, you are really not getting it are you? You go ahead and try and forge a relationship with your DH's mother and your daughter, but be prepared for the fallout. I know someone who did something similar 5 or 6 years ago, and it broke up the marriage... Because of the betrayal, the lack of trust, and the lack of understanding and compassion from the person's partner, who thought it would be a good idea to try and 'fix' things with their spouse and a very abusive parent who had ruined their childhood, tainted their adulthood, and made them an emotionally damaged adult.

Your call. But be warned, the fallout won't be pretty if you try and forge a relationship with your DH's mother and your daughter against your DH's wishes.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/03/2017 16:28

Children have a right to enjoy reasonable relationships with their extended family unless it is not safe to do so.

Sometimes children need one parent to protect them and their rights when the other can't or won't.

Looks like your going to have to be that parent

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/03/2017 16:31

It 'stops' when your DH says it stops. He is the one carrying the pain and distress of his mother's affair, and her leaving. If this has not happened to you, you cannot imagine the pain he is feeling. And the distress he will be feeling at the thought of his wife wanting to try and get them to make amends, by taking your daughter to his mother's house, will be intense

He only gets to make the full decision for himself, this child has two parents who get to both make decisions for that child

Original poster
Nicegurl · 17/03/2017 16:53

But his mother isn't very abusive. If she was then I wouldn't even dream of having this conversation.

It's not me I'm thinking about it's my daughter. Why are people finding that so difficult to understand?

OP posts:
ShoutOutToMyEx · 17/03/2017 17:54

But his mother isn't very abusive

Not exactly a ringing endorsement...

Anyway, you don't get to decide what was and wasn't abusive for him to experience. Why don't you trust him? I would never think I could decide for DP what was painful 'enough' for him to feel this way.