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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset at this response to asking for a seat?

71 replies

listsandbudgets · 16/03/2017 09:28

Feeling a bit shaken.

I suffer from nocturnal epilepsy. Recently its been better controlled but last night I had a massive fit maybe around 3am but hard to say. DP away so somehow managed to get children to school.

On way back I had to wait ages for bus and it was very crowded. I was dizzy, aching and feeling confused like I was about to faint. My speech is also slurred (this is relevent).

I asked a man if he would mind letting me have his seat as I wasn't feeling well and he said "no I'm not letting you sit down just because you're drunk at 8.30 in the morning" then turned his back on me.

Then I just found myself crying

The lovely man behind him asked me what was wrong and I just said was unwell and felt faint and he immediately gave up his seat.

I probably am being unreasonable and should have explained to first man but I was so confused and dizzy I just made a mess of it :(

OP posts:
TheKrakenSmith · 16/03/2017 11:49

My dad has MS and I used to get sympathetic looks when out with him (full time going career until he remarried) because he'd be leaning on me and stuttering a slurring. More than one person asked if I needed police if this drunk was bothering me. Kind people, but totally unaware. I'm sorry that happened to you.

nogrip · 16/03/2017 11:56

I have MS and need a seat as am wobbly and fatigued all of the time. I always ask for a seat on public transport.
If you properly need a seat you have to overcome any shyness at asking. Or you don't need a seat as badly as you think you do

averythinline · 16/03/2017 12:02

I'm very impressed you managed to get the dc to school Flowers dh has nocturnal epilepsy and there is no way he could ...ignore the arsehole
and think of the kinder bloke -
however I would suggest maybe a drop off back up if it happens again.....
Hopefully you are resting now...DH would also recommend the neals yard seaweed and arnica bath oil to help with recovery in a nice warm bath
www.nealsyardremedies.com/bath-and-body/bath/foams-salts-and-oils/0917.html?gclid=CN2Ps4392tICFW0R0wodZn4Krg

Original poster
listsandbudgets · 16/03/2017 12:14

I'm still not sure HOW I got the DC to school. I think it was desperation born of the fact that if I didn't I'd have had to look after them. Should have taken a taxi really but wasn't thinking right initially was even thinking of going to work Hmm Gave up on idea and went home keep drifting off to sleep.

Pain killers finally cutting in - now feel drunk Grin

OP posts:
araiwa · 16/03/2017 12:15

i would have given up my seat if asked because i would believe op when she said she wasnt well.

but many people need to realise that a majority of the population are not aware of all of the nuances and symptoms of various conditions, diseases and disabilities.

the man thought op was drunk. it is possible to understand how he came to such a conclusion if he is unaware that op suffers from such a condition.

my mum has epilepsy but it wasnt the kind where she slurred her words so i would not know that it was a symptom of other kinds of epilepsy

people not knowing everything about every possible human condition is not something they should be lambasted for. he could have been politer but he cant be criticized for not knowing every medical condition

shovetheholly · 16/03/2017 12:24

YADNBU.

I am Shock at the comment about you being drunk on multiple levels - not just the callous assumption toward you, which is completely unacceptable, but also the fact that even had you been drunk that early in the day, you would still have needed the seat more than he did.

MeadowHay · 16/03/2017 12:25

Araiwa That fella is not being blasted because he doesn't know everything about every possible human condition. He is being lambasted because he had no compassion whatsoever for someone who was feeling unwell. It is of absolutely no consequence why the person involved felt unwell. You either have compassion for people who are sick and suffering, and you get up and give them your seat, or you do not. You don't need to have in-depth medical knowledge to be compassionate!

araiwa · 16/03/2017 12:28

he didnt think she was unwell, he thought she was drunk

MeadowHay · 16/03/2017 12:31

A compassionate person would assume someone approaching you for a seat, citing them feeling unwell, was unwell, whether or not they were drunk. You can be drunk and unwell Confused. Your comment just further highlights my point - complete lack of compassion meant they decided that they were entitled to the chair more than someone else just because that person may have been drunk when it's of no concern whether they were drunk or not.

Morphene · 16/03/2017 12:38

some people are so mindboggling compassionate they even care about the safety and comfort of people who actually are drunk! Astonishing!

jennielou75 · 16/03/2017 12:43

I have hemiplegic migraines which cause numbness down one side and I slur my words. I wear a medic alert bracelet or dog tag on a necklace as I have had people think I am drunk.

FairyDogMother11 · 16/03/2017 12:45

There was no reason for him to comment at all. He could have just said "No sorry, I need the seat". Totally unnecessary to be rude and unkind to a stranger regardless. Some things are better left unsaid!

imsodizzy · 16/03/2017 12:52

Yanbu. If anyone asked me for my seat I'd give it up, I know how hard it can be for people to ask for a seat so I'd assume they really needed it.
I once got on a busy bus on crutches struggling to walk, no seats available and I was the only one left standing, not one person offered me their seat and I was too embarressed to ask. Some times people can be inconsiderate but I'm glad the second man showed that there are some good people out there

x246 · 16/03/2017 13:07

YANBU. Even if he did think you were drunk, drunk people aren't invincible. I'd rather stand than watch somebody fall over and get hurt whatever the reason for them being unsteady on their feet.

GreenPeppers · 16/03/2017 13:18

I can feel why you felt upset.
I once fell over and very badly twisted my ankle when I was JUST going in a pub. At 6.30pm. On a Friday. A pub that was serving food.
No one came to see me or see I was.
It's only after a few minutes of me not getting up (I really couldn't) that someone at the bar came over to check how I was.

Everyone else assumed I was drunk.

Its crap TBH because it means that people who do need help aren't reviving it.

GreenPeppers · 16/03/2017 13:19

Besides, you normally can smell if someone is drunk, esp at 8.30am.

To assume that someone is drunk because of slurring speech etc means that actually you have a lot of prejudice ideas, starting with the fact that mania people are drunk at 8.30am and that's it's OK to treat them with contempt.

scottishdiem · 16/03/2017 13:43

Its only through a variety of training sessions where I happened to work that I learnt about people looking and sounding drunk could be suffering from other problems. Not everyone knows.

Some of my commutes in the past have included buses/trains where people have been drunk (very early starts or very late ends) so am used to seeing drunk people on transport. They have been abusive, demanding, intimidating and annoying. I hated it.

I am not surprised at the response of the other passenger to be honest. How does he know about illnesses? How does he know that the OP isnt about to be one of those nasty drunks? Compassion is hard when experience makes you a victim. People being ill and asking people to give up their seats on transport isnt actually that common (and depending where you are in the country, even speaking to someone else on public transport is problematic).

What is needed is more public education about the differences between illnesses and being drunk. The man wasnt attacking you OP, he was defending himself and his space. Dont know if that makes him unreasonable or not to be honest.

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 16/03/2017 13:48

You have all my sympathy - I too suffer from NE, and it's redally hard to function the day after you've had a seizure - many congrats on actually managing to get your DC to school Star.
When my DC were young, I luckily lived near to several friends who did school runs for me if I was really shaky, so that I could go back to bed and recover. I agree that you need a back-up plan (taxi?) just in case - maybe have the fare money in an envelope so that you aren't suddenly faced with trying to find it in a hurry..?
Take care of yourself. Flowers

Oldraver · 16/03/2017 13:48

Besides, you normally can smell if someone is drunk, esp at 8.30am.

And there are a few instances where people can smell 'drunk' but not be

GreenPeppers · 16/03/2017 13:53

That's is true.
But that wasn't the case of the OP though.

WankingMonkey · 16/03/2017 14:09

He sounds like a cunt.

When I was heavily pregnant I asked for a seat on a crowded bus and TWO people said 'no, it was your choice to get pregnant'. Someone did give me a seat but that experience and the shame just put me off ever asking again. I suffer chronic pain issues now and rarely use public transport but when I do, if I have to stand I just endure ridiculous amounts of pain rather than actually asking for a seat. people are horrible.

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