To put conditions on dh quitting his job

[Aria2015]

My dh has been doing a certain job for a
few years and he loathes it. He started to dislike it early on and over time he's just got more and more down about it. His depression and stress is now affecting our marriage and family life as he can't seem to enjoy anything anymore. He says his hate for his job consumes his every thought.

Nothing I say is right and he won't seek help from a doctor. Just recently he has started to apply for jobs, two so far but although he did well (getting to a second interview) he didn't get them.

In desperation I have agreed that he can quit his job without having another job to go to. This makes me feel quite sick as it's such a huge risk but at this stage I feel like his mental health is in jeopardy.

It seems like since I agreed to this a bit of a weight has lifted for him. I suppose he can see a light at the end of the tunnel which is good.

While I have agreed to it I want to put conditions on the arrangement. I was thinking things like getting him to sign up with recruitment agencies before he quits and then once he has quit, dedicating a minimum amount of time per day / week to looking for work. I don't want to overwhelm him but we couldn't pay all our bills on just my salary and we have limited savings. AIBU to put conditions to him doing this? Or should I just step back and hope he just sorts it all out himself and not put any pressure on?

I just think you're wording it wrong. Rather than "conditions", you just want to have a plan agreed between the two of you. I left a job without another to go to due to stress. During the day, other than the time I was doing the housework/cooking, I was job-hunting. I got up at the same time as my husband, took a lunch break and worked until he got home at 6pm. It gave structure to my day and made sure my time off wasn't too long. But it was still 3 months before I had found, interviewed for and started another job! I'd say you need a plan in place for what happens at 3 months, 6 months, a year etc. I.E. When does DH have to stop looking in his own field and take just anything? What does your budget look like? etc etc

Thanks again for all the replies.

Financially I earn enough to cover the mortgage and most of the main bills. In theory he could take a basic job paid at minimum wage and we'd get by because that would cover remaining bills, food, essential items.

It's not ideal for him to go from a professional job to say being a barman as it would take some explaining when applying for jobs in his field and this could go against him. Having said that, we could financially get by if he did take up any job. I haven't really entertained the idea of him not getting any job at all. Hoping that if he's in theory willing to do any work that some kind of work would be available.

If he earns nothing then we'd have enough savings to see us through a couple of months. We wouldn't get any benefits because we have a mortgage and that's not included as an outgoing because you home becomes an asset in the future. In the absolute worse case scenario his parents would lend us money but that really would be last chance saloon and we'd only do that if we were in danger of losing the house.

He's stayed in the job as long as he has for two reasons, to get a certain qualification that he was part way through getting and also because we've had our first child. I suppose getting to grips with parenthood, he put looking for another job on the back burner. Now lo is a bit older and sleeps well and is in a good routine, life feels a bit more normal and so he feels like he can start to look.

I like the idea of a life coach. He might consider that as it's not 'medical'. I'll look into it and see what's available and then approach him.

you know he needs to be the one looking really...but yeh you could support by doing some initial research. or get him a session as a present...

We wouldn't get any benefits because we have a mortgage and that's not included as an outgoing because you home becomes an asset in the future

Who told you that?

Assuming that you dont earn mega bucks, then you would be entitled to CTC and possibly WTC plus child benefit if you dont get it now.

check out Entitledto.co.uk. Put in your income etc based on him having no job and it will tell you what you can expect to get in terms of tax credits.

As long as he doesn't quit and then sit on his arse in front of the TV because of his "depression".
Be careful that you don't just end up with a sullen kid on your hands.

I'd say he sees a GP or no deal. Too much potential to wind up sitting in front of the telly.

What is he doing to improve the situation? Is he going to the doctor, booking a life coach, sussing out jobs to apply for? If the answer is 'no' then quitting without another job has all the potential to spiral downwards.

Thanks for the replies again. He's registered with one recruitment agency. Sonics December he's had 3 job interviews, 2 he didn't get and the 3rd he's waiting to hear if he's got a second interview. I was really pleased that he registered with an agency but it does feel a bit like he's leaving it all up to them when in addition to that he could be actively searching himself or even registering with additional agencies.

I know it's a huge gamble to assume a new job will fix how down he is but he swears up and down that his job is the only thing in his life that is getting to him. He's happy with our marriage, our lo, everything else - it's just the job.

Years ago I got really depressed because I was living in a tiny hovel studio flat. My neighbours were hell and I spent all my spare time in one tiny room. I came to dread weekends because I'd have to spend more time at home. I knew I had to do something and I ended up taking a huge leap and getting a mortgage on my own place. Even though financially it was a struggle, my mood was instantly lifted when I moved out that horrible place. He compares his current situation to that and it's hard to argue it because in that instance, changing just one thing (my surroundings) was enough to make me happy. Soooo hoping it is the same!