To put conditions on dh quitting his job

[Aria2015]

My dh has been doing a certain job for a
few years and he loathes it. He started to dislike it early on and over time he's just got more and more down about it. His depression and stress is now affecting our marriage and family life as he can't seem to enjoy anything anymore. He says his hate for his job consumes his every thought.

Nothing I say is right and he won't seek help from a doctor. Just recently he has started to apply for jobs, two so far but although he did well (getting to a second interview) he didn't get them.

In desperation I have agreed that he can quit his job without having another job to go to. This makes me feel quite sick as it's such a huge risk but at this stage I feel like his mental health is in jeopardy.

It seems like since I agreed to this a bit of a weight has lifted for him. I suppose he can see a light at the end of the tunnel which is good.

While I have agreed to it I want to put conditions on the arrangement. I was thinking things like getting him to sign up with recruitment agencies before he quits and then once he has quit, dedicating a minimum amount of time per day / week to looking for work. I don't want to overwhelm him but we couldn't pay all our bills on just my salary and we have limited savings. AIBU to put conditions to him doing this? Or should I just step back and hope he just sorts it all out himself and not put any pressure on?

There is an ocean between having your thoughts consumed by work and lacking mental capacity!

Get a job before leaving this one. Agree with pp putting conditions on won't work as without routine to give him purpose he will spiral further into depression. Speaking from experience ended up with unemployed miserable DH and me working full time and doing all housework and cooking etc. Went on for a year and we almost split up over it. At the time I thought I was being supportive when actually him quitting his job without one to go to was the very worst path to take. By month 3 with very little job hunting activity I realised it was a huge mistake but by then far too late. And of course he refused to go gp etc, all out of the question. Eventually he was forced into action when I lost my job and we were borrowing money off my parents to pay our rent. Don't do it OP!!

I've seen my own DH in a similar state over work-related stress and for him it really was a simple case of getting out of the job and into a new one and the 'black cloud' lifted immediately. In his case going to the GP seemed unnecessary as the cause and cure were so manifestly obvious.

For your DH, how confident are you that it's about this job, rather than a wider sense of struggling to cope with pressure or responsibility etc that would be true of any similar job. Can he point to specific issues in his current role which are the root of the problem that wouldn't be the case elsewhere. For my DH it was clear he was working in a toxic environment with unrealistic pressures and he had enough experience of similar work for other companies to know this wasn't the norm.

I've seen people signed-off work with stress before who really haven't improved until they got away from the employer completely as it was still hanging over them.

I see where you are coming from op but from my experience of people with depression if the job is the sole cause leaving may temporarily relieve the stress but how easy is it to get a job in his field??? Sometimes the stress of finding a job and the financial implications combined with rejections can just replace the original source of depression/stress not solving the problem. So while I don't think it's unreasonable to want some reassurance/conditions on him leaving, I think the only one that matters is getting professional help! I understand what you are saying about his refusal and I don't have an easy answer but I think any other conditions may in the long run prove to be empty!

How would you even impose the conditions? Surely the only threat you can hold over him is that you will leave if he doesn't do the things you are asking - are you willing to do that?
No judgement here because I know from past experience that the situation you are in is tough and scary. One of the the things that broke my first marriage was my husband's unwillingness to share financial responsibility, and to take steps to appropriately manage his mental health issues (he stopped taking the medication that made him possible for me to live with).
But at the end of the day, I couldn't place conditions on him - he was a grown adult. The only thing I could do,I did in the end - leave, when it became too much.
I'm sure your situation isn't as bad as this, though. Good luck!

the only condition i would give is that he hands in his notice tomorrow

everything youve said indicates that his awful job is the cause of his problems- no job, no stress

Thanks for the replies I appreciate you all taking the time to post. Sorry I can't reply individually (a 19 month old doesn't give me much time!).

Dh couldn't just become a sahd, my mil looks after lo while we work and without complicating this further, his parents would heap piles of disappointment and pressure on him if he left his job for 'no good reason'. They have no idea he's suffering like he is.

I'm fairly certain his job is responsible for his current state and that changing / quitting would improve things. I've known dh my whole adult life and there are specific issues at his work that are getting to him and his personality is such that he's just put up and put up for so long and now it's breaking him.

I can't threaten to leave him if he doesn't seek help because I never would so I can't make empty threats.

He is prepared just to get 'any job' should his notice period run out and he hasn't found anything. I'm pretty certain he'd follow through with this so maybe I just need to take a leap of faith as most people have said conditions can't be enforced and are not a good idea anyway.

He's always been there for me and I want to be there for him. This is the first major issue we've had really so it's new to me on that level too. One poster mentioned her husband attempting suicide, that's my biggest fear. Work is a huge part of life and when it's sh*t that has a huge impact.

Thanks again for the advice. Much appreciated.

Don't pathologise him, he just hates his job. It's not uncommon to have a hateful job.

Difficult question though, as being signed off sick wouldn't help him get a new job.

If your finances can stand it I would agree to him giving up. My DiL did this last year. Although my son said that he knew she was stressed by her job he had no idea of the extent. He only realised it when her personality changed back to how she used to be once she had quit. After a financially difficult 3 months she applied for a new job on a lower salary and was successful.

I think it strengthens a marriage to face such a difficulty together and support each other. Only the two of you know whether is is financially viable. To answer your question, I would say do not put conditions to agreeing. It would be emasculating. Give him breathing space to recover his mental strength and see where it takes him.

The not going to the doctors would be the deal breaker for me.

He rather leave his job and financial security behind with nothing to go, than go to the doctors?

What would he say to the Doctor though? If he does not feel that he is ill, how will he find the words to say why he is there? If he is convinced that it is the job and he does not feel better weeks after quitting it he could go then. That way he has an opening in saying, 'I thought it was my job, but now I have quit i still feel the same.

My Dh was in a v similar position. I really wanted him to get signed off but he flat out refused.

He now wishes he had, it would have given him breathing space and time to reflect, while, importantly, being paid. I think if he had done he would now three months later be looking at a different job in the organisation. As it is his mental health has deteriorated, he's lost his whole support network from work and has no idea what to do next.

Frankly he's having a full on breakdown. I have been absolutely supportive of him going as it was killing him, I wish he'd taken the help the organisation could have offered.

I wish I'd gone in a walk with him and calmly said, take some time out and start to look for jobs. There's also more chance of negotiating a pay out.

But he can't stay in a job he hates.

But he can't stay in a job he hates.

Well you need a back up financial plan in case he leaves work and doesn't get another job for a while.

If there are parental issues he could seek therapy for that.

Having no job and no role at home .could be depressing too...how will it work if his parents are around? Does dc go to them ?

I think you should make it very clear what you expect. A friend of mine had a similar situation a couple of years ago and her husband spent a year lying on the sofa playing online making half areas efforts to find work and being depressed (but never seeking work whilst she ran herself into the ground working/studying/running the household/looking after the kids. The lazy fucker didn't even cook or make pack ups and they were still paying for after School childcare until their savings totally gave out. It nearly finished off my friend's mental health and their marriage in 11 months.

Sorry, unintelligible. He made half arsed efforts to find work and wouldn't seek help for the depression.

The plan as he sees it would be to hand in his notice and look for work in those 3 months that he has to work out his notice. My concern is that he'd still be working during that time and I assume still be unhappy and so spending all his spare time job searching would be difficult.

If he can't get a job in his field he said he would settle for any job and that's how we'd get by.

Someone mentioned the stigma of getting signed off with stress and how that affects job prospects. That's his thoughts. However I think there is a stigma to quitting your job for no valid reason. How will he explain that? He can't tell the truth as it looks like he might be the kind of person who just quits when things get tough so he'll have to make something up. Dh is a terrible liar and I worry how that narrative will play out.

Someone suggested he quit and then if his mood doesn't improve then seek help. I actually think I could possibly persuade him to see a gp if that happened so I'll definitely keep that idea in my back pocket (hopefully I won't need it).

Seems the genera consensus is no conditions which if fine, the purpose of my post was to find out. I'm not a controlling person and in terms of our relationship we are quite traditional with dh taking the lead on most things. Just know he seems so lost it's tempting to try and lead but I can see that would be emasculating so I'll step back.

Thanks again for the posts and sorry I can't reply to each one.

What would you live on, OP?
If you have never claimed benefits, you will be in for a shock.

Bluntness100 - there's degrees of hating. I really don't like my job and would love to give it up but am having to stay in it so we have some money coming in. But...I'm not lying in bed sleepless because of it, endlessly stressing over every detail and dreading going into work of a morning.

seeing a life coach / therapist / job coach now as in today / this week/this month might be the way forward then. he needs support to help him find a way, if he is so stressed out....you cant do these things on your own.

if you have a broken leg a wait and see approach wont work.

you cannot be therapist/counsellor to him as well as working/running house/looking after DC/looking after him. he needs to see someone who is neutral.

so go via GP NHS counsellor route - or
. spend money on someone who is a life coach / career coach that might be acceptable to him and could help him through.

not addressing the MH side NOW is a really bad idea. waiting for it to get worse is a really bad idea. he/you might not want stigma...so try life coach way...but, stigma over MH isnt going to help any of you IF he goes into spiraling decline.

get in some kind of therapy/life coaching/MH support/emotional support now.

how much is his salary - eg is he in a professional job??
versus" any job " eg pizza delivery?

tho if he has hobby eg enjoys gardening/doesn't mind getting messy being outdoors then doing gardening jobs could be v good for his MH ?

Aria2015 depending on where you live he might be able to access direct referral to CBT online if he has a MH problem. If he has depression then he might not be able to think with sufficient clarity about how to get himself out of his situation. I presume he has talked to work about how he feels? Is there any scope to move roles with just his current work situation?
Men of working age are notoriously reluctant to see their GP but if he is ill then he won't get better by just quitting, and actually not having a job may make things worse by reducing confidence and self worth even more compounded by financial issues. If you can, make an appt for him and go with him to the GP.
You can also do a depression screening questionnaire online. Google PHQ9 on patient.info. HTH

I think you and he need to sit down and get a good picture of what your finances would be should he not have a job. You can get an idea of what, if any, benefit entitlement you would have without his income on websites such as Entitled To or Turn 2 Us.

Someone mentioned the stigma of getting signed off with stress and how that affects job prospects. That's his thoughts. However I think there is a stigma to quitting your job for no valid reason. How will he explain that?

I don't think it's anything to do with control. It's about agreeing between you how, as a family, you'll make sure you can afford to live.

Yanbu.