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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I can kick "D"H into touch?

70 replies

PrimeMinistersQuestionables · 15/03/2017 18:33

eeeveening Grin

Long story short, DH is turning into a bit of a knob, and I've been letting it happen.
He's always been stroppy, but previously I'd just tell him to sort himself out, and leave him to it. (He'd soon pep up and skulk back with an apology and it was easy and very rare).
Recently however he's become a bit of a bellend. (I probably haven't helped as I've been pandering to him etc.) But I've realised he stops talking to me for Really mundane things. (He doesn't really work, doing a few hours a week at an organic farm shop, so isn't under much stress and I work in mental health, so can find it stressful fitting everything in.)
He threw a wobbly in M&S the other week, and didn't speak to me for 24 hours because I was running through my "to do list" out loud and it was "stressing him out"(potentially in guilt as I'm busier than him, and maybe he feels lazy?) , leading him to tell me to "fuck off" because I was "really pissing him off"
There have been a few occasions where I've felt small and degraded, and sometimes really nervous, like I've really had to watch myself with DH, almost like I'm trying to second guess him, which is a massive PITA, because anything can set him off, (and I mean anything, me doing the dishes, me not doing the dishes, me not letting him drive MY car, me not feeling hungry at the same time as him, me wanting a glass of wine, the list goes on) Hmm he's starting to make me think he's a little unhinged Grin

I would like to point out, It's more often than not absolutely fine and normal, that he's not a twat all the time and that our relationship on the whole is as it has always been. But I'm concerned that this is the begining of a slippery slope. And recently we have have seen a few mumsnetters living their whole lives like this and becoming shadows of their former selves.

So AIBU to think that after being a massive tired submissive weakling for the past eighteen months I can kick this twat into touch, or am I at risk of thinking I can change him and getting stuck forever!

THANKS.

OP posts:
StarryIllusion · 15/03/2017 19:38

Hang on so you have so much to do that just hearing you run through your list stresses him out and makes him feel guilty and instead of a normal partner's reaction of "what can I do?" his reaction is "Fuck off, you're pissing me off?" I'd kick him alright. Right in the knackers. What a tosser.

expatinscotland · 15/03/2017 19:42

Now of course these threads all come with the requisite bingo cards of 'he's depressed or has a MH condition/has ASD/has a physical malady and you need to sort it out/get him to the GP/have a cuppa tea and sit down chat'.

He is an adult. And he is just as responsible for his behaviour as you are, as Pacific wisely points out (waves).

It's not your job to sort him out to make him change. It's your job to change how you react to it or make plans to leave.

Original poster
PrimeMinistersQuestionables · 15/03/2017 19:47

He lost his job and we live in a fairly seasonal area, so jobs are hard to come by especially if like DH you have no qualifications Sad

He's fairly good in terms of non work labour.

Just wondering if I try and ride it out, and see if it's the not really having a job, or if he is in fact an "emotional abuser" and I'm in denial because he's currently ten times nicer than some of the bastards I've been with before.Confused

Hoping that he'll pick up more hours soon, and maybe undertake some training to get a more permanent role, and that will make it better.

Argh I really don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/03/2017 19:49

Stop pandering now. Start actively checking your own behaviour and thoughts. Stop worrying about setting him off. See how you feel.

Tbh though, you think he's a twat and a bellend and are actively thinking of divorce so it's probably over already.

Do you have DC? You are married?

AgentProvocateur · 15/03/2017 19:49

With a stressful job, why would you even bother trying to change an adult who's acting like a stroppy teen. Too much effort - I'd kick him to the kerb and go it alone, frankly.

PacificDogwod · 15/03/2017 19:49

I'm in denial because he's currently ten times nicer than some of the bastards I've been with before.confused

Spend some time and effort on accessing counselling or help with your self-worth and self-esteem?

None of us here can tell you what to do with your life, but it is YOUR life and you only get one of it Thanks

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 15/03/2017 19:52

Yes, it is the start of a slippery slope I'm afraid, especially if you help enable it. I would stand up to him now, while you're still reasonably strong. The longer you leave it the more he'll wear you down and the harder it will be to stand up to him. If I were you I'd give him an ultimatum - treat you as an equal and with the respect you deserve, or get the fuck out of your life. That may or may not kick him into touch - depends on how important you and the marriage is to him. But now that he's gotten a taste of having a doormat and someone he can use and abuse, he's not likely to want to give up that control or 'power'.

Oh, and btw, my ex once told me to fuck off. I said fine, got my car keys and fucked off for the rest of the day. If I hadn't been 4 months pregnant at the time I may have fucked off for longer than that. Nobody has the right to speak to you like that. NOBODY!!!

And after years and years of being abused, believe me when I tell you it's a blessing when he stops talking to you for 24 hours lol. Except that you know that all hell will probably break loose once he does start talking again. Good luck.

Bloomed · 15/03/2017 19:52

I would try to be happy now, not in some future alternate universe. Agree on working on your self esteem.

greeeen · 15/03/2017 19:52

So what if it does get better with more hours? What happens next time he loses his job or something else stressful happens, as does in most peoples lives?? You'll be with someone you know will turn on you in a crisis.

nong45 · 15/03/2017 19:56

It does sound like he might be depressed or very low, my DH was when he lost work. It can be a pride thing, feeling you are not providing/contributing in a relationship. The last redundancy caused my DH to lose a lot of confidence and motivation. I was working long hours and wasn't as sympathetic as I could have been sometimes because I felt I was taking all the strain. He managed both times to eventually get another half-decent job and it was that that sorted him out and in turn our relationship rather than medical advice, but that might be helpful for some people.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/03/2017 20:00

Argh I really don't know what to do
What do you think your options are? What's good and bad about them?

MrsTwix · 15/03/2017 20:01

I suggested he might be depressed, but also that he needed to do something about that if it was the case.

Someone who is willing to sort things out is one thing, someone who isn't is another.

Original poster
PrimeMinistersQuestionables · 15/03/2017 20:06

run I think he's been acting like a twat/bellend/knob I don't think he's one all the time or overall.

I think we are at the stage where there's twatty behaviour but he's not a twatty man.

I don't particularly want to leave/chuck him out.

No DCs (for reasons not within our control, I guess potentially contributory to our stress considering it feels like 90% of our friends and siblings seem to sneeze and out pops a baby!)

He was very good financially when I was only part time whilst doing my degree, and he still does little lovely things like runs me baths and irons/tumbles my PJs to warm them up when I'm a stresshead.
It's just the odd things you know.

I'm just really struggling to suss wether or not he's turning into an abuser (or always was one and was grade a at hiding it!) or if my best friend is battling some stress/ MH/ or physical condition.

As I worry due to previous much more serious abuse in previous relationships i might be quick to overreact Hmm

OP posts:
PlumsGalore · 15/03/2017 20:06

Just tell him now that his behaviour is not acceptable, he can change or fk off let him make the decision then you don't have to worry amount it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/03/2017 20:07

I've been out of work. So has DH. We've had some proper horrible stuff go on in our lives. Been broke, been depressed, been nearly crippled with anxiety Yet DH has never ever behaved to me like your DH behaves to you. Nor I to him.

Circumstances don't make you behave like a bellend repeatedly. Either you are a dick or you are not a dick. The circumstances just make it more obvious to others that your coping mechanism is "be a dick".

Your standards are fantastically low.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/03/2017 20:12

X-post.

Just stop pandering. Do not stand for it any more. You don't need to make a big announcement or have a sit down chat. Behave like a normal human being not walking on eggshells and if he gets the hump call him out on it, get on with your life and wait for him to apologise.

It doesn't actually matter whether he is an abuser or not. All that matters is how you react to instances of bad behaviour. You are doing no one any favours by rewarding bad behaviour with a pandering.

It will become clear soon enough whether you have a future with him.

PacificDogwod · 15/03/2017 20:12

It does not matter one jot whether is is depressed or has self-worth issues himself due to lack of meaningful occupation or whether he is intrinsically a twat - what matters is his behaviour to you.

It is not your job to sort him out.
He is the only person who can change whatever is affecting him, and whether he feels enough 'pressure' to do so or not will determine whether he will seek help.

Lay out your stall.
Tell him you will not be spoken to like that, that the next time he tells you to 'fuck off' you will.
Tell him you value his support and would welcome him telling you what troubles him.
Tell him that you work hard and that you need him to at the very least be civil to you.

Your DH is meant to be adding to you life, not taking away form it.

Original poster
PrimeMinistersQuestionables · 15/03/2017 20:15

So WIBU to call him out?
What should I do?
Should WE go to relate?
Should I try and get help on my own? (Eg counselling/ therapy)

Can I move to a small island in the Pacific with 360 days of sunshine a year, and hope that when I get back it's all ok?!

OP posts:
Original poster
PrimeMinistersQuestionables · 15/03/2017 20:18

Sorry
Cross post there.
I just feel very lost.
I've just got to kick any bullshit and ensure that he knows I'm his equal and it's unacceptable
(Although easier said than done when potential strop is rearing its head!Grin)
Thanks so much. FlowersConfused

OP posts:
RortyCrankle · 15/03/2017 20:43

This sounds exhausting and I couldn't be doing with it. Any feelings I might have had for someone like this would be right out the window. Personally I would tell him to stop being an arse and shape up or ship out. How long are you going to put up with it?

Original poster
PrimeMinistersQuestionables · 15/03/2017 20:48

rorty
I don't know what to do.
I want to be a take no shit kinda lady.
But I don't want to leave
Do I set time frames?
Do I give a final warning?

Do I just tattoo mug across my forehead and accept my fate

Fucking hell. This is hard.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/03/2017 20:52

Relate. No. That's for when you are both being twats and you both know it. If he suggested it, without any prompting at all from you, then maybe. You suggesting joint counselling to stop him treating you like shit. Just no.

Counselling for you. Yes. You seem to find it hard to cope with him being unhappy with you, like it is your problem to fix, not his problem to fix himself.

From now on see if you can force yourself to ignore his strops, impending strops and escalations. Remove yourself from his company if he is being a twat. I would literally walk off and stay elsewhere or go out with a mate for the night.

Never reward a tantrum or threat of tantrum. No matter how old the tantrummer is.

PacificDogwod · 15/03/2017 20:53

I think Relate is when you both want to change yourselves in order to improve your partnership. There is very little point in you dragging him there.

But yy to counselling for yourself.

PickAChew · 15/03/2017 20:54

The only time frames for him ceasing to behave like a twat are immediately and permanently.

miniatureegg · 15/03/2017 20:56

What's he contributing to this relationship? He Sounds like a waste of space...