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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be pissed off that my husband raped me

52 replies

StillASlaveToHim · 14/03/2017 16:24

and that there was nothing, not a thing, I could do to stop him or do anything about it?

It happened years ago but I still get annoyed at him, at just everything in general, and at just the fact I was completely powerless. I couldn't report him, I couldn't leave him, I couldn't confide in anyone so I just had to put up with him ignoring me when I said "no" sometimes.

It is not normal to still be angry years later, is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
StillASlaveToHim · 14/03/2017 16:44

I am actually starting counselling next week. This will be the first time I have had any.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 14/03/2017 16:45

I'd still be angry if I were you - perfectly natural. He did a terrible thing and had no consequences (other than being a complete shit of a person, if that is a consequence).

So glad you are long divorced from him.

EnormousTiger is right. When I studied law (before 1991) a man could have sex with his wife without her consent - relevant quote was from Hale: "But the husband cannot be guilty of a rape committed by himself upon his lawful wife, for by their mutual matrimonial consent and contract the wife hath given up herself in this kind unto her husband which she cannot retract."

MrsJaniceBattersby · 14/03/2017 16:45

You rant away my darling . What a terrible thing to do

Original poster
StillASlaveToHim · 14/03/2017 16:46

I couldn't report it because it wasn't illegal at the time. I don't think I could report it now for the same reason; I don't think you can "get" someone for something when what they were doing wasn't a crime at the time if that makes sense?

Besides it's too late now anyway. There is no evidence and it will be my word against his.

OP posts:
Original poster
StillASlaveToHim · 14/03/2017 16:49

Who the hell did he think he was? Why did he think he had the right to hurt me like that? Angry

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 14/03/2017 16:49

Anger is good, rant away. Feel angry, feel hatred for him - the bastard got way with rape. Counselling may help you address your feelings. It won't change the fact your husband raped you. Fucking bastard. My heart goes out to you Flowers

morningconstitutional2017 · 14/03/2017 16:53

This sort of thing is so ghastly that it's hardly surprising that you still feel angry about it after all these years.

Something similar happened to me many years ago with a 'casual' boyfriend. I learned to put it behind me but I'll never totally get over it. I think it's one of the toughest things to recover from and move on from.

If I had the chance to kick him hard in the bollocks now (and get away with it) would I take it? Well, yes probably. You're not alone.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/03/2017 16:55

Because he was a nasty vile abusive fucking rapist!!!
He probably still is.
I'm so glad you are getting some counselling.
I hope it helps in some way.
I cannot imagine what you went through, I really can't.
God I'm angry on your behalf as well!

Owllady · 14/03/2017 16:56

He sounds a right nasty fucker Angry
I hope the counselling helps xxx

NewPuppyMum · 14/03/2017 16:57

I wish I knew what to say to help.

I'm having help for something that happened 30 years ago so please don't think it is too late. Depending on how you cope and where you are at, the help I am having might not be the right way for you, but please get some help and please consider reporting him. Recently someone was jailed for something they did in late 1980's. It wasn't too late.

Look after yourself.

Willow2017 · 14/03/2017 16:57

OhStill what an absolute shit of an excuse for a man.

Of course you can be still angry, bloody furious, let down by the one person who should have been your best friend.

Rant away, as much as you like.

Hope the councelling helps you by letting you rant it all out to someone who understands and can support you in RL.
Flowers

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 14/03/2017 16:58

Totally normal. Unresolved trauma is horrendous. I'm glad you are starting counselling and I hope it brings you some peace. I'm sorry this happened to you.

tryingtogetthroughlife · 14/03/2017 17:02

I'm so very sorry to hear you went through this, I'm glad you are starting counselling it will help, I do believe that even thoe. It has been a long time you can, still put a complaint in to the police. Maybe talk to you're counsellor. Good luck op Flowers

PollytheDolly · 14/03/2017 17:06

Well, isn't he a CUNT!

Rant away!

pilates · 14/03/2017 17:21

So sad to read this and the fact that it wasn't illegal not so long ago. I hope you get the support you need from your counselling x

GreenPeppers · 14/03/2017 17:30

Please rant away.
You have every right to do so.
And yes it was rape. Even more Angry that he could get away with it by a few months...

Jux · 14/03/2017 19:27

I'm so sorry Flowers

I remember about 40 years ago a friend coming round in tears, really shaking, who confided that her husband had just raped her. Back then, it was his 'right', wives were still chattels.

At least we've progressed as a society beyond that.

Christmasnoooooooooooo · 14/03/2017 19:51

EnormousTiger is right. When I studied law (before 1991) a man could have sex with his wife without her consent - relevant quote was from Hale: "But the husband cannot be guilty of a rape committed by himself upon his lawful wife, for by their mutual matrimonial consent and contract the wife hath given up herself in this kind unto her husband which she cannot retract."

I was told this on my honeymoon which was a little before 1991.
I never felt the same for exhusband after that.
My eyeson no one has right to another person body .

TheWorldAccordingToToads · 15/03/2017 00:35

YANBU to be angry Flowers Nobody has any right to tell you how you should feel.

Normally I would agree that you can still report it if you want to but given that it happened before rape within marriage was a crime I'm not really sure if you can or not tbh. Perhaps someone more knowledgeable will know.

Crowdblundering · 15/03/2017 00:37

I am really sorry this happened to you but I hope MNHQ change the title of this thread.

TheWorldAccordingToToads · 15/03/2017 00:38

I hope MNHQ change the title of this thread

Why?

Crowdblundering · 15/03/2017 00:40

Because I think it's upsetting and triggering to read for some people.

Crowdblundering · 15/03/2017 00:42

Unfortunately not surprised to read he was a police officer Sad

TheWorldAccordingToToads · 15/03/2017 00:43

ShockYou're not? May I ask why? Are police officers known for this?

Crowdblundering · 15/03/2017 00:44

Yeah - they are known for being perpetrators of domestic abuse - within people who work in domestic abuse Sad

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