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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get fed up with my DH taking days off University due to 'Illness'

56 replies

Mrspiggy456 · 14/03/2017 12:00

My DH is a full time University student. He was made redundant 4 years ago and after being unable to get work, he decided to go back into education and become a teacher. I was so proud of him for this, as it is something that would terrify me.
Now though, he only seems to be going 1-2 times a week. Sometimes he tells me 'it's only a lecture today and not assessed so I don't need to be there' but mostly he says it's due to illness. He's had chest infections and bad colds, now he's saying he has social anxiety. Today he's been due to go in for a meeting with his tutor, but he's had to rearrange that as he woke up with a numb face and has gone to the Doctor (it has apparently worn off now though) I don't mean to sound callous, but it all seems like excuses to me. But he won't talk about it when I try to discuss it with him

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/03/2017 13:55

You could be right, Crying about mandatory attendance.

I must admit my university days were in the olden days , scan cards weren't invented and i didn't attend all the lectures. I appreciate times have changed.

phlebasconsidered · 14/03/2017 13:57

Teaching is not for him. You cannot have any form of social anxiety and spend all day in front of students who will be dependent on you, being constantly assessed and asked to provide data that proves what you have been doing. Plus, most teachers are required to deliver the odd inset and assembly.

Doesn't sound like it's the job for him. Teachers are cracking up all over (myself included) and if he's wise he'll really investigate his options. Being poorly a lot will not go down well in a school!

Wolfiefan · 14/03/2017 13:59

I wonder if the social anxiety is the tip of the MH iceberg and he just can't face going in.
Lectures may not be assessed but that doesn't mean important learning isn't taking place. He will fail assessments if he isn't turning up.
Some of you sound awful. I was a teacher until MH issues and physical ones combined to push me out of the profession. I'm glad my DH was more sympathetic than some of you.
This may be the wrong job for him.

Earlybird · 14/03/2017 14:03

I wonder how you are managing financially. The strain on you must be tremendous.

I would think it would make your lives much easier if he would get a part-time job to bring in money while he is studying. Has that been discussed?

I understand you are in a difficult position. You want to be supportive and encouraging, and being tough on him for vague ailments seems mean. But, he does need to support you and the family too. You can't be expected to do it all.

Original poster

Mrspiggy456 · 14/03/2017 14:03

Thank you everybody for all your posts.
He is very good at home, he does a lot around the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc, so I don't think it's laziness. He does physically support me. For example he helps me get my socks on in the mornings as I struggle with that sort of thing.
I do know that anxiety can show itself in lots of different ways, and at different times, maybe I need to ask him if he feels it's really holding him back

OP posts:

justpeachy74 · 14/03/2017 14:04

Edmund I wish I had someone like you in my life when I left a teacher training course many years ago. It was a very stressful time and still haunts me now.

OP it sounds as if your DH might be struggling with the course. It's very hard to admit it when it's going wrong. I did the PGCE and it wasn't for the faint-hearted.

I hope it all works out for you both.

mactavish · 14/03/2017 14:37

@expatinscotland

I also have a child with Aspergers.

Sorry I don't spend much time on mumsnet and had no idea people were trotting that one out on nearly every thread when someone is 'acting like a child' as you see it from the limited information you have about this person and their life.

OP says her DH has told her he has social anxiety. My aspie child has social anxiety. I have some social anxiety but no diagnosis. I thought it might be relevant and could help the OP and her DH, but don't worry I'll bow out now and leave it to the mumsnet experts to put the world to rights in their own unique way.

SilverDragonfly1 · 14/03/2017 15:12

Like other posters I think he has found it too stressful but is in too far to back out. He might have had a rather romantic view of teaching and hasn't discovered the truth until up to his neck in coursework and debt.

Broken11Girl · 14/03/2017 15:25

Wow, some nasty responses.
This sounds like genuine anxiety. As a pp said, a numb face can be a symptom, as can constant minor ailments. He may be making excuses but out of genuinely being unable to cope, not laziness. OP YABU a bit to be pissed off.
Talk to him. At a time you're both chilled, and have time. Don't be accusatory. He does need to communicate, and acknowledge there is an issue.

PennysUnicornHoodie · 14/03/2017 15:26

I went back to uni in 2015 and I've got to be honest op I missed a lot of time because I was so ill for the first year.
I think it was because so many students were crammed into the lecture halls.
I just got one thing after another, I was like a child who had just started school, I'd worked in a nursery so thought I could handle most bugs but I was just so ill for ages.
In the end I got pleurisy twice in one month and was on antibiotics for 4 weeks, I also got tonsillitis a few times as well as general coughs and colds.

The numb face thing sounds like it could be a migraine, I also used to get a lot of migraines doing the course because I couldn't afford glasses and needed some so I used to strain my eyes reading. Could he possibly need his eyes resting? Migraines are also common with stress too.

You said hes only done one year at uni and so it might be stressful for him to settle into the swing of things, I know you said he's done two years at college but it's nothing like uni to be honest.

If he's generally good around the house and does his fair share he could be genuinely ill, if he doesn't pull his weight then it could just be an excuse I think you need to figure out which is most likely.

PennysUnicornHoodie · 14/03/2017 15:29

Was going to add too, if he's feeling socially anxious could it be that he's older than the rest of the group and just not 'clicked' with anyone. If that's the case he'll probably be finding it really stressful especially when it comes to things like doing presentations. Imagine presenting to a lecture hall of students and not knowing a friendly face amongst them that would make most people anxious.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/03/2017 15:34

I agree with Penny, some really good points there which sound very relevant to op's dh.
Hope you managed to graduate in the end, Penny!

gamerchick · 14/03/2017 15:46

Oh, dear god! As the mother of a child with Asperger's I am sick to death of this being trotted out on nearly every thread where someone's acting like a child

Ah bloody amen to that!

I also have a child with Aspergers.
Sorry I don't spend much time on mumsnet and had no idea people were trotting that one out on nearly every thread when someone is 'acting like a child' as you see it from the limited information you have about this person and their life

Seriously, stick around. You'll find yourself eventually feeling irritated by it. It's insulting to people with autism sometimes the way it's repeatedly trotter out.

OP he helps you with your socks knowing you're going to be spending the day at work in pain and then skips uni. That is not a supportive partner. Whatever his issues are he needs to get a job if he can't hack it.

NolongerAnxiousCarer · 14/03/2017 15:46

Good points from Penny if this is his first year, then you can expect the freshers flu to have hit him, loads of people from all over the country sharing their germs in one place.

As he's pulling his weight at home it doesn't sound like lazzyness. Anxiety can be treated effectively so doesn't necessarily mean he's not cut out for teaching. He needs to speak to his personal tutor about how it is impacting on him as they may be able to talk through strategies to help him cope better. Is it a coincidence that he had facial numbness this morning (commonly associated with pannic attacks) before his meeting with his tutor.

LisaDuncan · 14/03/2017 15:48

I have friends who are at uni to become teachers and while its hard work they all have families to support and so work part time as well.

Does he do this to help you? or has he looked into it? I know how hard it is to balance uni work however if you are in pain and not earning a massive income he needs to do more to help. My DH would work 3 jobs in his position to help.

Blanca87 · 14/03/2017 15:52

The symptoms you describe sound like he is very stressed.

viques · 14/03/2017 16:00

To teach you need to be healthy, especially in your first years you encounter so many bugs your immune system is really put under stress, it is also physically demanding, long hours of preparation, meetings and paperwork as well as teaching time. if he is not coping with student life I seriously question that he has the stamina for teaching. but it sounds to me as though he is already has doubts about his choice and needs to find a way to bow out.

notgettingyounger · 14/03/2017 16:01

Sorry to state the obvious, but might he actually be physically ill? At the very least he should consider arranging some routine tests with the GP.

Touchmybum · 14/03/2017 16:07

People have come up with lots of reasons but at the end of the day, he owes it to you to TALK to you about it. Refusing to talk is pathetic. Plus he should be able to do some p/t work to take some of the stress off you. My 19 year daughter at uni does that.

Awful good of him to help you on with your socks...!!!

MatildaTheCat · 14/03/2017 16:27

If he is having doubts about his choice of degree for the love of god get him to talk to someone about it now.

My sons gf recently completed her entire teaching degree and then got bullied in her final placement. She got so stressed she deferred. We all supported her and I even found her another potential placement in a fantastic school to finish her teaching hours. She just doesn't want to.
So, four years of studying and student loans have been wasted.

It's really hard but teaching is pretty brutal and only for the very committed. Even after qualifying the drop out rates are hideous.

Have a serious talk, if it's not for him he can look at transferring to something different. It's not failure, it's human. Just don't let it go on as long as gf did, it's such a monumental waste of time and money.

Areyoulocal · 14/03/2017 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotYoda · 14/03/2017 16:35

I can see why men fail to report or seek mental health problems if the response might be to accuse him of being a lazy teenager.

Teacher training is acknowledged to be a very stressful thing. He may be having big doubts and be unable to voice them for fear of being seen as a failure.

I agree with mctavish and Broken11Girl

NotYoda · 14/03/2017 16:35

seek help for mental health problems

llangennith · 15/03/2017 00:09

He may be feeling trapped in his career choice. The 4 yr course is a hard slog and I realised in year 2 that it wasn't for me. I was 40 when I started my degree so decided to finish it anyway even though I knew I was never ever going to teach.
About a quarter of students doing this kind of degree are mature students so it's not full of 'young free and single' stereotypical students.
You're being very supportive OP and you need to have a candid chat with your DH to find out what's going on. Sounds like he really doesn't want to teach but is afraid of the repercussions. He must also talk to his pastoral tutor about his options.

shitgibbon · 15/03/2017 01:58

He will not do well if he skips lectures. That's where the information that will eventually be assessed comes from.

If he isn't going to lectures he is wasting his time.

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