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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think children deserve to feel a sense of ownership in the family home?

83 replies

AmoIsNoLongerEmo · 13/03/2017 03:32

Or is the home "mums and dads", they just get to live here? Along with the toys and everything in this house is "half mums and half dad's". Everything they have is borrowed iyswim.
Best friend and I both feel it's kinda a sick way to look at things.

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 13/03/2017 09:01

Amo My parents divorced when I was in my 20s, and the family home was sold. I was already married when they divorced, so had my own home. I have never lived in either of my Mum's subsequent houses, so my 'home' is my rental in Belgium for the moment, and then will revert to my home in UK, when we move back there.

My ds considers his digs at uni 'home' and with us in Belgium. He is at liberty to live with us for as long as he needs to, but I expect he will find a job away from us.

Sunnysky2016 · 13/03/2017 09:02

We are renters. My children feel stable in our housing association flat. Both myself and dp's parents homes will be left to us once they pass away. However in this day and age it isn't a given- people are living longer and should they need to go into a care home their homes will be the first thing sold to meet the costs.
I've been in a muddle with my rent the last 10 months as I am now on benefits due to ill health. If I had a mortgage I would have lost my home. However with the housing association I haven't lost my home and am now paying back over the odds each month to clear the debt.
my house my not be 'ours' but we and the children treat it as ours, and what is the children's belongs to them and what belongs to us is also the children's lol (including our bank account it seems)

Original poster

AmoIsNoLongerEmo · 13/03/2017 09:03

Didn't mean literally ownership like the parents who bought and paid for the home. The mum gave off the sense that she felt her kids had no right to feel that the home was in any way theirs. Not even the your home our house that other PP have mentioned. It just made me feel very sad for the children, that they are growing up where their toys are not their own and they are borrowing them- her own words.

OP posts:

Gwenhwyfar · 13/03/2017 09:03

"64% of homes are owned in the UK."

Some of those are partly owned by the bank and only partly owned by the residents.

MidniteScribbler · 13/03/2017 09:04

My husband had quite a few homes in his childhood and hated it. Mainly because he had to change schools so many times and leave friends behind. For him it was a massive deal.

I was lucky in that we moved within the same area and I never needed to change schools. I can see how that would be disruptive, but I don't think living in different houses is necessarily a bad thing.

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2017 09:05

My parents always said it was their house but my home. I owned toys, books etc but I wasn't asked how my room should be decorated etc (and I wasn't interested particularly!). They told me to tidy up my room frequently. And I was expected to respect the rest of the house (not draw on things/break things etc).

I visit my family home a couple of times a week and still respect that the food etc isn't mine so I ask if I want something etc.

lampfromikea · 13/03/2017 09:05

I think the idea of not allowing your children a say a bit bizarre. I get the whole 'your home, our house' idea but that child has to live their and deal with your decision daily as well. The only space I would consider mine alone in my house is my bedroom. Every other room is shared by the family (or theirs solely in the case of bedrooms) and should be treated as such.

I was always allowed to decorate how I liked, right down to a ridiculous fabric canopy my mum constructed for me to hang across the ceiling- I was into Egyptians at the time, and my opinion was often asked of decorating and building decisions. A lot of the time I didn't really care, (what 16 year old has an opinion on floor tiles and blinds?), but it was nice to feel my opinions were valued by my parents.
My brother painted the ceiling in his room black so make of that what you will.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/03/2017 09:06

"Our house is owned by the bank

Not if you have a mortgage on a property, it isn't. It is yours, but you owe the bank money."

And if you can't pay that money, the bank can repossess your house. So who really owns it?

lampfromikea · 13/03/2017 09:06

*there. Ffs.

Trifleorbust · 13/03/2017 09:08

Gwenhwyfar:

You do. It's very simple to understand. If I borrow £1,000 to buy a car and secure that loan on the car, I still own the car.

Mulberry72 · 13/03/2017 09:08

My DF used to tell us that it was his (and DM's house) and our home.

Anything not nailed down in each of our bedrooms was also ours.

Original poster

AmoIsNoLongerEmo · 13/03/2017 09:09

Midnite
My mum moved around a lot as a kid and it has caused major issues for her. She nearly had a breakdown when we moved when I was 13.

OP posts:

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 13/03/2017 09:10

If you rent, things are slightly different. The children can't alter the paint colour on the walls, for example, and they also can't damage anything otherwise the agency will come around. We have frequent inspections (between 3-6 monthly) so there is a sense of being watched at times.

angeldelightedme · 13/03/2017 09:17

But thinking about it, if you sold a child's outgrown coat/ bike/ violin would you give them the money to do anything they want with.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 13/03/2017 09:18

How old are you OP? Do you have children of your own?

Neither of my parents live in the family home I grew up in - yes that's a bit sad, but I moved out at 19 for university and when I started my own family it stopped being 'home' for me anyway.

My children have their own belongings and they live in their home. They are not equal owners of the property though and don't have a say in how (for example) we tile the kitchen.

My children are only little though - if they're still here at age 40 I expect them to understand that the property isn't theirs.

Jux · 13/03/2017 09:19

There's a difference between home and house. DH and I own the house, but it is dd's home and her stuff is hers. We would not take away her home without consultation; we moved when she was 6 and she did understand what was happening back then. She's 17 now and would get a say in whatever may be planned in the future.

My parents were still consulting my bros and I about what they did with the family home when we were in our 30s and had long lived elsewhere. We tended to say "It's your house....".

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2017 09:30

But thinking about it, if you sold a child's outgrown coat/ bike/ violin would you give them the money to do anything they want with.

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2017 09:33

The justification seems to be being put forward on this thread often that children need to understand particularly as adults they don't own the property. Firstly what person doesn't understand that and needs it drummed into them and secondly what problems are people envisaging having with their own kids.

Seriously can't get my head round it. What do you think they are so stupid they will try to sell it or change the kitchen tiles without asking you?

MatildaTheCat · 13/03/2017 09:34

The family home will always be just that. It belongs to the parents but is home to us all. My sons are adults now and definitely still regard it as home despite living in flats with their gf.

My own dp moved from our family home when we, their DC, were very young adults. That made me very sad and their new home was never home to any of us. I certainly don't criticise them for moving and realising their dreams but it was never a family home to us.

I may be lucky in that I came from an extremely stable family. Our original family home was where I was literally born. In my adult life we have only lived in two houses so all of us have a strong sense of belonging. My FIL is still in their family home after more than fifty years. So we don't move much.

Trifleorbust · 13/03/2017 09:36

Yes you make the final decision, but why would you not wish them to have a say and help with the decision making process?

Well, in my case I bought my home before my DD was born and I want it to look a certain way. She might have very different tastes to me, and when she rents or buys her own property (which I will help her to do if I can) she can indulge them to the fullest. For now, she will live with the kitchen tiles I choose.

My DD is too young to care at the moment but later on, if I ask for her input about every decision in the home before making it, nothing will ever get done!

MatildaTheCat · 13/03/2017 09:37

NB, if my sons did ever need to come home it would be temporary and they wouldn't even get consulted about kitchen tiles etc. That's a bit odd unless there was some reason they would be living there permanently and contributing equally.

I was approaching this thread from a human security point of view more than who legally owns what.

EineKleine · 13/03/2017 09:40

OP my 8 year old can't grasp the concept of gift ownership changing hands. He reckons everything we have given him is still ours "really" and I can't convince him otherwise. So if you heard him talking, you'd probably think we were sick. But we really have tried. Of course his stuff is his stuff. That doesn't mean he gets access to it 24/7 - we control the timings on the tablet. I can see how, mid-argument, a parent could say they have partial ownership of the stuff as in they have the power to limit access, confiscate etc. Sometimes we open our mouths and are surprised by what comes out.

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2017 09:47

Asking my daughters opinion has never slowed a decision making process for us, "what do you think of this" doesn't take long , her opinion is valuable to me,and I want her to feel included,

I recently bought new sofas, texted her pics from the shop and said what do you think, and she responded with not sure take some more pics, so I did and she text back saying yes that's gorgeous go for it.

We've never really had any form of disagreement and have similar tastes, she's never wanted to paint her bed room in outlandish colours for example. Of felt I should paint the whole house bright orange. She has great taste and as said I value her opinion.

Trifleorbust · 13/03/2017 09:50

Bluntness100: I'm not saying I'll never ask her opinion. I will most likely do so at least some of the time.

Crumbs1 · 13/03/2017 09:59

The house and fixtures are most definitely ours. The home is a shared entity which belongs to us all as long as needed/wanted and in whichever way it is needed. They have an absolute right however old they are, whatever the circumstances to return home for love, support, accommodation, company, food, advice etc. Whilst in our house they follow our rules regarding courtesy, timeliness, shared maintenance of house etc.

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