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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think children deserve to feel a sense of ownership in the family home?

83 replies

AmoIsNoLongerEmo · 13/03/2017 03:32

Or is the home "mums and dads", they just get to live here? Along with the toys and everything in this house is "half mums and half dad's". Everything they have is borrowed iyswim.
Best friend and I both feel it's kinda a sick way to look at things.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 13/03/2017 07:33

Why do you teach zero ownership? Aren't they even allowed to own their teddy? Is there a reason for this?

SprogletsMum · 13/03/2017 07:35

Mumzypopz I was posting at 3am because my 2 year old ddhas decided that we don't sleep any more.
I wonder if the owning/renting thing does make a difference to how you feel about it. We rent, so really it isn't our house at all never mind our dcs. Still, it is our home.

NapQueen · 13/03/2017 07:37

Eh??? Every toy; outfit; childrens book etc is the kids. The way I see it, if they moved out theyd be taking all that with them. Bed and wardrobes included. Why would it be mine just because I (or a gifter) paid for it? Their room is theirs. Their responsibility, their area for peace and quiet.

Just like mine is for me.

Lweji · 13/03/2017 07:38

Apart from big toy arguments, I'd say the children own what was given to them.
Clothes, toys, books.

As for furniture, it may depend on the parents, but I don't recall many people considering to have ownership of their childhood furniture.

The room is for their use, but it's not theirs as such. Parents should be able to dispose of it as they see fit, even if they choose to ask the children's opinions.

MidniteScribbler · 13/03/2017 07:40

It's our home, it's my house. So when DS is a teenager, he can have a say in decorating his room, but I have the right to veto anything inappropriate and unacceptable to me in my home. If I don't want the walls painted black or posters of naked women pinned to the wall, then I have that right. If he wants to hide some playboy magazines under his mattress, then that is his right.

pipsqueak25 · 13/03/2017 07:58

totally with you midnite late teens /early 20's here but they still have to live by the family household rules which have been put into place for everyone's comfort and safety. dh and me paid off the mortgage so we get the final say on what happens under our roof.

TinfoilHattie · 13/03/2017 08:03

There is a middle ground on all this though. My kids know that owning a house is expensive and that their dad and I work hard to pay for it all. They are not allowed to paint on walls, gouge holes in doors, treat their rooms like a rubbish tip. They are expected to take responsibility for their own spaces though, and their things which are in their rooms.

I do have one very odd friend who believes that children should have a say in everything from the get go, and has lengthy debates with her toddler about whether outgrown clothes can go to the charity shop or broken toys in the bin.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 13/03/2017 08:06

I think we have a family home. We all share it and everything in it. They are welcome to live here or visit whenever they want into adult years, though DD is hoping to go off to Uni in September.

BarbarianMum · 13/03/2017 08:10

We have a family home. Dh and I make the rules - it's a family, not a democracy.

In terms of ownership, it mostly belongs to the bank.

Ecureuil · 13/03/2017 08:12

Not many people actually own their home these days, so I often wonder what children in rented homes think. Do they feel settled or stable? We know one kid who had to move three times in a year, and another family who are moving again because the landlord is selling the house. I suppose it's inevitable these days, but I do feel sorry for them

We rent, and are in the middle of having to move (again) as our landlord is selling.
You don't have to feel sorry for my children, they're fine. They're happy as long as they're with mummy and daddy and they have their toys/belongings. Home is where you make it.

Littledrummergirl · 13/03/2017 08:14

Our house is owned by the bank, one day it will belong to dh & I. It is however where dh and I have created a home for our family.

Things that have been bought for our dc belong to them, a gift is given to the receiver and ownership by the giver ceases. How they choose to treat them is up to them but if things are broken they aren't replaced. If my things get broken by them I get upset and explain why.
Their bedrooms are their space, they have to be comfortable in them and so they have had a big say in how they are decorated, I allow free reign in there.
I can't imagine the insecurity of feeling you have no/little say in your life as you develop into a young adult knowing that everything you think is yours can be removed on a whim.

BillSykesDog · 13/03/2017 08:19

In the sense of an argument it's fine, solves the 'it's mine' argument. If they were regularly telling the children this and reinforcing it you might have a point, but not a throwaway remark in an argument.

I think you're being incredibly judgemental actually.

pinkdelight · 13/03/2017 08:21

Of course it's their home in as much as they live here and feel secure in that, but in appropriate scenarios I often invoke Judge Judy's: "I own the air that you breathe!"

Trifleorbust · 13/03/2017 08:29

Our house is owned by the bank

Not if you have a mortgage on a property, it isn't. It is yours, but you owe the bank money.

DJBaggySmalls · 13/03/2017 08:33

They dont own the house, the parents do. But its their home. If the kids dont own anything, not even their own small items, they cant feel like they have a place in the family. They are interlopers or accessories to the adults lifestyle.

MidniteScribbler · 13/03/2017 08:39

Not many people actually own their home these days, so I often wonder what children in rented homes think. Do they feel settled or stable? We know one kid who had to move three times in a year, and another family who are moving again because the landlord is selling the house. I suppose it's inevitable these days, but I do feel sorry for them

I lived in thirty houses in my youth. My mother was addicted to renovating and selling. I don't have any lingering issues from not staying in one house for my entire childhood.

Bluntness100 · 13/03/2017 08:42

Our home is our family home and belongs to all of us. Our stuff apart from personal stuff like clothes toys , iPods or even bedrooms whatever belongs to the individual, but anything else is ours as a family.

Our daughter was always brought up to feel it's her home, even now when at uni if we buy some new furnishing she likes a say, I send her pics and get her opinion. I wouldn't have it any other way. I brought her up to feel she was an important and key part of our family.

Yes we are the main decision makers, but ultimately she is absolutely part of the decision making process always has been. It's our family home and she is part of our family, an integral part.

I don't know what rules a previous poster is talking about. Rules in terms of when to come home or bed time etc yes, we made those rules, but we had no rules for the house as such and never needed any.

I simply can't imagine bringing a child up to think we own and control everything. I find that a mixture of sad and bizzare.

Original poster
AmoIsNoLongerEmo · 13/03/2017 08:45

I fully admit to being a tad judgey, its life, it happens. It came up on Facebook and best friend and I were talking about it and we had the same thoughts that our homes are also our children's homes. I haven't lived at my parents for years and still consider that my "home" and she does as well with her DP home. I think we both were put off a bit because that seems to send an unstable feeling to the children. Not that the DCs should have complete rule over the home and do whatever they please with no consequence, but they should have a feeling of this is where I belong, and it's not just going to be up and taken from me because I don't "own" it.

OP posts:
buttfacedmiscreant · 13/03/2017 08:46

My child is now an adult but when he was a teen he would slam the door really hard... ended up breaking the door frame over time and many door slams. We removed the door as a result for a long while, he thought it was unreasonable because it was his room and so his door. I told him "this is your home, but it is our house and you need to treat it with respect."

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/03/2017 08:49

My parents always said it was their house but my home. I owned toys, books etc but I wasn't asked how my room should be decorated etc (and I wasn't interested particularly!). They told me to tidy up my room frequently. And I was expected to respect the rest of the house (not draw on things/break things etc).

I visit my family home a couple of times a week and still respect that the food etc isn't mine so I ask if I want something etc.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/03/2017 08:50

It's the old cliche that when kids grow up they can do what they want in their own home - I agree with that

WeAllHaveWings · 13/03/2017 08:51

our home is ds(12)'s home, never thought to discuss or mention ownership of the actual house. As the adult dh and I get to make rules/decisions/set boundaries, but they have never been in relation to ownership.

BarbarianMum · 13/03/2017 08:53

Well we have rules about lots of things. Who is allowed to come in and when. Who's allowed to spend the night. Rules about what activities are allowed in side (No smoking). Rules about practising the drums (not before 9am or after 7pm, shut all doors). Ditto re playing music loudly. Rules about not putting the heating on when you're just wearing a t-shirt and shorts. Rules about clearing up after yourself.

Really we are very authoritarian Wink

As for the bank owning the house- they can repossess it if we dont pay.

Sallystyle · 13/03/2017 08:58

I lived in thirty houses in my youth. My mother was addicted to renovating and selling. I don't have any lingering issues from not staying in one house for my entire childhood.

My husband had quite a few homes in his childhood and hated it. Mainly because he had to change schools so many times and leave friends behind. For him it was a massive deal.

Trifleorbust · 13/03/2017 09:01

this is where I belong, and it's not just going to be up and taken from me because I don't "own" it.

Of course children should feel 'at home' in 'their house'. I have no intention of discussing who owns our house with my DD unless I have to because she refuses to respect our rules.

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