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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... To Feel Used?

54 replies

JustAPlasticBag · 12/03/2017 23:36

My neighbour is a single mum like myself, her DD is in the same class as my DS and we recently got talking and quite friendly (though not 'let's go out for drinks' friendly just more chatty). She and I both work full time, but she doesn't have a bank account so all her money goes into her sisters account, who in turn ensures her rent in paid, bills, takes her food shopping and then gives her an allowance. (Her sister is much, much older and who she considers more 'responsible')

Last month she asked to borrow £25 for a takeaway and some snacks for an unplanned movie night with her friends, as she wouldn't be seeing her sister for a few days. I borrowed her it. A few times after she's asked me to pick her up milk, bread, butter and other small bits throughout the weeks that followed as she wasn't to go shopping with her sister for a while - I did. Last week she asked for £4 to get the bus, as she had no cash on her and again - wouldn't be seeing her sister for a while. I borrowed her it. She then asked for £15 to pay for her taxi she had just got out of as she realised AFTER calling it (Hmm) she had no cash on her. Again, I borrowed her it.

I feel like I'm her bank account at the moment and I'm never seeing this money back. If I truly had to add it up (and before typing this I sat and did so) it's around £70ish I've borrowed her, from just picking up odd things to everything else listed above. I'm not even sure how to politely ask either as she never, ever mentions it and I'm not sure how to bring it up! (I'm not a very assertive person Blush).

But I don't just buy her things: I'm constantly lending her things too. She doesn't have a kettle, so she is always asking me to borrow mine when she's cooking or has friends round and wants to make coffee etc. She borrows my iron and ironing board 2-3 times a week to do her ironing. She borrows my Hoover ever 2-3 days too, as she doesn't have one. She's got a few of my plates, mugs, one of my pans, bowls, spoons etc because she doesnt have enough for whatever she's doing at that time and I don't see them back. I'm always giving her toilet roll and I'm convinced from the first time I gave her a roll she's not bought one since and instead keeps asking me whenever the roll I give her runs out!

I give batteries, shampoo, washing up liquid, washing powder - basically small things constantly as she's always 'running out' and tonight she knocked on my door asking for some toothpaste (I had to squeeze it onto a plate at her request Hmm) and I'm sat here with my cup of tea right now thinking...

I'm an idiot.

I'm actually that idiot I always give advice to others not to be because I've slowly let myself be taken advantage of. And I actually didn't see it happening! It started off small, just little favours and now I feel like I'm in too deep. AIBU and un-neighbourly to think this?? Is this normal neighbour behaviour?! Honestly I feel like she shouldn't bother buying anything other than food because I'm her bloody supermarket!!

How do I get out of this without making an enemy out of my DS's classmates mum and my next door neighbour?? Confused

OP posts:
kissmethere · 13/03/2017 08:41

You sound really nice and she's totally taken advantage of your good nature. Seriously if her sister manages her money why doesn't she have house essentials like a kettle and a hoover? Toilet roll and toothpaste? An iron? I got all these things gradually and as cheap as possible when I first started out and left home, even though she has a child in the mix. Even when money is low it's basic basics to last however long.
There's more to it than you know I reacon or no one has shown her how to manage her money. Cabs, wine and takeaway are not essentials so it shows there that she is naive. Definitely stop the money and your appliances are on the blink. Also, say she was to break one of those whilst using it she's not going to be able to replace it is she?
We've all had to borrow a hoover or an iron at some point if one has broken but not to the point it becomes joint ownership.
I don't mean to sound unsympathetic to her but it really sounds like there's more going on. Cut the purse strings and picking up bits from the shop that's not on. It's too regular.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 13/03/2017 08:57

She's taken advantage of you for sure. But that's because you're a good person who was perhaps a bit unguarded.
She sounds like she needs support, but instead of money and goods, I would offer advice and guidance. So tell her where the cheapest places to get loo roll, toothpaste etc are. Perhaps freecycle or local selling pages for free / dirt cheap ironing boards / hoovers. If she really is utterly skint, she could do with practical advice on how to get out of the situation where she feels like she has to borrow everything. Good luck x

IamFriedSpam · 13/03/2017 08:59

I think you sound lovely. I think it's always nice to give people the benefit of the doubt and be kind where possible. It's also important to have limits though and I think you need to reach your limit with this lady. It does sound like she might have some learning disability or impulse control issues. A normal adult wouldn't regularly do things like order a taxi when they couldn't pay for it, or not have enough money to buy food, or not have essentials like a kettle etc.

She might not be a bad person whose deliberately taking advantage of you but it's obvious that the more you give her the more she'll come to rely on you and it definitely has to stop. "I'm really sorry I can't afford to lend you any more money you still owe me £70". "Sorry I'm going to need my kettle" etc etc.

MatildaTheCat · 13/03/2017 09:59

Write a list of the monies lent and ask her to arrange repayment, in installments if necessary. She may or may not be a bit of an airhead or simply a user but you are doing her no favours at all.

Offer to help her get set up. Is there a community furniture project or similar where she could acquire the basics for an adult household? Gumtree or free cycle would work. Tell her you've noticed she seems to run out of things rather often and over to help her to plan and budget but STOP giving her things.

What you have been doing is neither lending nor borrowing, it's giving. Wink

lalalalyra · 13/03/2017 10:10

Her sister controls her money, but she doesn't have basics like a kettle or an iron?

Before I cut her off as a user I'd be trying to check that her sister is actually looking after her rather than financially abusing her.

Honeybee79 · 13/03/2017 10:11

You sound like a nice person, not an idiot. But she is taking advantage of you and you need to start saying (and keep saying!) no. Be polite but firm - no need to offer explanations as to why you're saying no.

The fact that her sister manages her finances for her suggests that she has had issues with money/failure to manage her money before. Don't get dragged into whatever these issues were/are. It also sounds like her life is quite shambolic anyway if she doesn't have access to a kettle, a bit of washing powder etc.

Remain polite but firm.

Stormtreader · 13/03/2017 10:50

Every time you see her, ask to borrow a couple of pounds for something before she has the chance to ask you - that usually scares scroungers off pretty quick.

Sonders · 13/03/2017 11:23

It sounds like this whole situation has caught you off guard. She is taking advantage, but luckily for you it's early days so you haven't lost too much.

Next time she wants to borrow something, just ask her if everything is ok, and remind her that she owes you £70.

unfortunateevents · 13/03/2017 11:41

Next time she asks for something refuse and say that you are using it yourself/it's broken/you don't have any spare cash, toilet roll, coffee or whatever. Then suggest that she asks her sister for £x next time she sees her to go shopping for a kettle, iron etc. Her response should give you some idea of what is going on.

JoJoSM2 · 13/03/2017 11:44

She sounds a nightmare.... An entitled nightmare - won't bother to manage her own money and thinks it's ok to rely on you to such an extend... Good luck in being a bit more assertive.

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/03/2017 13:33

Be careful about saying 'no' until you have your money back. User types will see 'rudeness' as a reason to cut off contact completely. Tell her you're skint this month and can she give your money back. A few days after that get anything she has borrowed back. And then whenever she asks to borrow something say 'just this once, I can't lend it again'. And hopefully you'll remain on good terms which is preferable with a next door neighbour.

nonameinspiration · 13/03/2017 13:41

Urgh mn is so nit picky! I know it's lent and not borrow but it didn't stop me from understanding the op!!!

Op if you are a non confrontational kind of person I would write her a letter listing how much she owes you and be clear that no mire cash or items will be lent from now on. Might be easier for you to do this as she won't be standing there manipulating you. I would consider approaching the school if they have a parent support advisor and if it was me also social services due to the mothers lack of ability to provide basic necessities for the child. A kettle ffs you could get one for pounds

pinkdelight · 13/03/2017 17:11

Well done for toughening up. And remember, it's not you who's depriving her dd of loo roll, it's her!

MrsJaniceBattersby · 13/03/2017 17:34

You are effectively running two houses OP
She's a child who's had a child so you probably felt protective

Original poster
JustAPlasticBag · 14/03/2017 20:58

Just an update - she popped tonight asking to use my Hoover - told her I was having a cleaning day tomorrow so couldn't spare it. She seemed extremely caught off guard, kept suggesting work arounds (she will only be 10 mins - she will have it right back tonight, what time will I finish cleaning tomorrow do I think? What time do I plan to start cleaning?) but I kept firm saying I was having a deep clean so it was a no can do.

She proceeded to ask for my kettle, I said I was using it tonight (again another very confused expression) and then had the cheek to ask "well could you at least make me a cup of coffee now to take back with me?" (Shock) told her I was about to get into the shower but maybe some other time when I'm not so busy.

She went home looking extremely baffled... It's a small victory but it's something, though the whole thing was awkward to say the least! Was about to cave and make her a coffee to go until the word "Starbucks" popped to mind and I almost blurted out "well it'll be £2.70" - really had to reign myself in, I was on some strange victorious high over the hoover! Grin

Thank you for all the advise, I wasn't brave enough to ask for the money back at the time because I was quite nervy prepping myself to reject her, but I'm thinking of ways to slip it into conversation Wink

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 14/03/2017 21:08

That's great, OP. However, she'll be back. I think you are going to have to be straight with her.

"No, I'm sorry, I can't keep lending you stuff and money. By the way, you owe me 70 quid".

I would write that money off, to be honest, but it's a way to ensure that she won't ask again.

CookieLady · 14/03/2017 21:19

Good on you! Smile Now stay strong.

EatSpamAmandaLamb · 14/03/2017 21:22

Well done! It can be hard standing up to people like that.

Reow · 14/03/2017 21:22

I'm finding this so extremely weird.

Who the hell asks to borrow a kettle? A cheap one costs £10.

So odd.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 14/03/2017 21:43

I used to have neighbours constantly along to borrow things, we don't live there anymore but dh and I still refer to them as the grabby twins! Well done for being assertive op!

DaphneDeLaFontaine · 14/03/2017 21:50

What a weirdo.

Megatherium · 14/03/2017 22:30

Excellent start! But I agree, you'll have to stop finding excuses because you'll run out of them. Get ready just to say no, and ask when she's going to start paying back the money and other stuff that you have lent.

Ariandenotgrande · 14/03/2017 23:33

JustA - you've made a really good start and your post reminded me of a similar neighbour I had who was relentless in her borrowings, it never stopped, she borrowed things I didn't even know people borrowed ! Like yourself, the Hoover, toilet roll etc and the £5 here and there. I always forgot about the money as she was cute enough to go for small amounts. then one day I realised she was taking the piss when I asked for a spanner back and she said I hadn't leant her one, but she would let me borrow her sons...it was my fecking spanner, so I had to borrow it Confused apparently she had done the same to everyone in the neighbourhood. I just said no, every time she asked for anything, no matter how small. She eventually stopped asking. I am wondering, and it is me pretending to be poirot , perhaps she has to pay her sister her wages as she might owe her a lot of money. My neighbour was just shit with money, liked to drink a lot and pretend she didn't.

ProfessorBranestawm · 14/03/2017 23:59

You are obviously a kind helpful person Thanks

It's lovely that you want to help her but it's getting ridiculous. Would it help to remind yourself that in the long run you aren't helping by bailing her out all the time - even stuff like the loo roll, she will never learn to make sure she's got enough in if she just thinks oh neighbour will give me some. It will help her and her DCs in the long run if you say no.

nonameinspiration · 15/03/2017 07:25

Re op post last night- yehah well done op!!! She's such a leech that woman