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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to be here for me

75 replies

jazz6 · 12/03/2017 23:17

So my grandfather passed away a week ago and it has devastated me. As I'm currently on mat leave with 10 week.old DD I've been staying with my folks since which is not local to home (few hours away). I needed to be close to family as I was really close to him. DD is with me and DH dropped us off as soon as I found out news which was great. I had planned to spend a few days with his folks, but that all changed. DH stayed 1 night with me and then rushed back to his mums next morning as apparently he had things to do. What more important than being there for your wife?? The jobs were dropping his sis off, which his dad could have done and then entertaining visitors. Great. He then was back at work and I stayed at folks, but called and expected me to go back to stay with in-laws as planned. I told him he was having a fucking laugh and I was staying put for a few weeks as that's where I needed to be. He laid on guilt trip of keeping dd from him which I wasn't and not spending time with in-laws. AIBU to stay near my family during such a sad time. So I then expected him to be up like a shot following weekend, but no he was on works night out Fri which was far more important and then he was at his mum's to go visit another grieving relative. He would see me at funeral. Weekend arrived and visit moved to Sunday, but rather than take short trip to see me and little one on Saturday, he sat at home with his mother watching TV!!! If you can't make effort to support a grieving wife/husband what is the point? Maybe I'm just expecting too much i know how I'd behave if tables were turned.

OP posts:

PietariKontio · 13/03/2017 12:20

I can't really understand this; I don't see how you can complain about his level of support when you've chosen to stay for an extended period of time, hours away, knowing he has to work and has family commitments of his own.

It may not be mature of him to complain you're depriving him of contact with his daughter, but you are, really, aren't you?

If you want his overwhelming support, then be with him, you can't have your families support and his, when they're so far apart. It's a tough choice, no doubt, but there's a compromise you can make that could make it happen

FreeNiki · 13/03/2017 12:29

the most telling thing I noticed is that one of her parents has lost their father. we dont even know which one. not a word about them.

she didn't say my mum or dad is struggling and need me for support.

nope she says I am staying put for weeks as that is where I need to be.

Its all about her.

OnionKnight · 13/03/2017 12:32

Christ OP, it's a bit 'me, me, me' isn't it?

I understand you are grieving but I think you are being U.

harderandharder2breathe · 13/03/2017 12:45

I'm sorry for your loss but yabu

Your post is all me me me, no thought to your parent who has lost their father, to your DH except what he "should" be doing for you, to your own child who you are keeping away from her father.

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/03/2017 13:36

Sorry for your loss.

But how can he be there for you when he has to stay home and go to work? If you want his support, go back home.

Moving to be with your parents for weeks on end is a bit extreme - what if you had a job? You can't just up and leave and take your DD away from her dad for three weeks because your granddad died

I assume this is your first loss, but really, you're a grown up now. Go home and be with your husband and daughter.

steff13 · 13/03/2017 13:57

I'm sorry for your loss. If my Papa (grandad) died, I'd be staying with my mum & dad for a while, purely as my papa is everything to me. I imagine DH would give me space to grieve, and probably take DS home for some night.

Your grandfather is "everything" to you? Not your son? Or your husband?

Your DH sounds like a mummy's boy. It's okay for people to say "well DH is your family now"; well to him, you're his family and he needs to support you during this time.

That's a bit hypocritical, given your statement above.

emsler · 13/03/2017 13:59

I'm a bit concerned that at times of trouble your first instinct is to turn to your parents, not your husband. He is your family and he should be the person you want by your side. If he's not that could indicate a bigger problem.

harleysmammy · 13/03/2017 14:13

Can i just ask is your dh staying with you?? It seems a bit odd he would want to do other things for everyone else and not stay at home with his 10 week old baby. But yanbu, im sure he'd expect you to be there if his relative died. Sorry for your loss x

Topseyt · 13/03/2017 14:34

Harley, she is at her parents house with their baby.

The DH is at home several hours drive away because he had to visit his own family and go to work. That is in the first post.

Original poster

jazz6 · 13/03/2017 18:52

Thanks for all.your opinions. Much appreciated. It's hard to put across point and all detail without going into war and peace. Firstly DH working away from home at moment so I would be on my own. I'd planned visit with DD to my parents beforehand so they could spend time with her. It's unfortunate it coincided with losing GF which is why I am away from home longer. I never expected him to drop everything during week as well aware of his companies procedure for time off. What I would have hoped is came by to see us at weekend rather than going out or sitting at home with mil watching TV. The inlaws are 45mins from my folks. The other bereavement was FIL of family friend and he had to drive by here, there and back. Appreciate that he wanted to pay respect, but not someone he knew well. I am not deliberately depriving him of seeing DD or his family. We've spent practically every weekend with them since she was born and no time with my folks, hence reason for planned visit. I have also pretty much spent the first few years of our marriage going to family stuff, weddings/parties etc on his side. He hardly suggests seeing my folks as doesn't want to upset mil by not accepting invites. I've bit my tongue to keep the peace, but that's another post. There have been numerous occasions since DD arrived where he's chosen to run errands for mil than spend time with me and DD. His choice. It's not first bereavement I've experienced and that doesn't make it any easier. We all deal with it differently. DD has not been burden on anyone here, in fact opposite. Having another focus for my dad has been great and he has loved finally spending some quality time with GD. Maybe I am being harsh to DH l, but do you not support one another in times of hardship? I would not hesitate to drop everything if tables were turned on someone close to him, despite impression that I'm self obsessed.

OP posts:

pipsqueak25 · 13/03/2017 18:53

op probably knows she is bu that's why she hasn't come back.

Original poster

jazz6 · 13/03/2017 18:54

I want nothing more than my DH by my side and just to be asked how I am now and again

OP posts:

Original poster

jazz6 · 13/03/2017 18:55

Not really pipsqueak25.

OP posts:

FreeNiki · 13/03/2017 18:55

he's working away from.home in any event.

what is he supposed to do? take weeks and weeks of leave for his wife's granddad?

FreeNiki · 13/03/2017 19:04

Maybe I am being harsh to DH l, but do you not support one another in times of hardship? I would not hesitate to drop everything if tables were turned on someone close to him, despite impression that I'm self obsessed.

Yes of course you do.

But most people often cant just drop everything. You're on mat leave and so one of you has got to work. He will not get paid compassionate leave for your grandfather. He wouldnt even get paid leave for his own. So that's unpaid leave or use all his annual leave to sit with you at your parents for weeks?

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/03/2017 19:18

If you want him to see you, you need to go home. Do you normally spend weeks away from him to see your family?

Original poster

jazz6 · 13/03/2017 19:41

Think there has been misunderstanding, as I've said I do not expect him to take time off work other than funeral if able, but when he is able, at weekend and going to his mother's, why not come and see us? He happens to be working away at this time, so I would be home alone and planned this visit with his agreement, so he would not be missing out on DH when he was at home. No I don't spend weeks away as never had opportunity...as I have stated. We are at his parents all the time and why should DH miss out on her other GPs.

OP posts:

oleoleoleole · 13/03/2017 20:01

Tell your husband what you want him to do to support you. If he won't then you've a big conversation to have.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 13/03/2017 20:01

I think your problem is about much more than your grandfather's death. There seems to be an imbalance in your relationship where everything has to be done to suit his parents, and he won't even arrange anything that might clash with anything his mother might decide to arrange in the future.

Your grandfather's death has thrown it all into sharp relief whereas before you put up with it and didn't think too deeply about it.

Your OP does sound very 'me, me, me' but your later posts give more context to show that in general it's always 'him, him, him' and when you need a bit from him in return it's not happening.

It's not fair to accuse you of running to your parents rather than turning to him when it sounds like his choice is to run to his parents and spend time with them rather than you.

When the raw emotion of the death has faded a little, you might want to evaluate who gives what and who takes what in your relationship.

Barbie222 · 13/03/2017 20:57

Hmmm, I couldn't cope with staying that long with anyone with a 2 month old, and would be struggling to have anybody round to mine for that long. Especially when I was grieving. Different strokes for different folks. Hope you are all feeling more positive soon but I do agree with pp saying that the way you are both behaving (and speaking to each other!!!) is divisive and doesn't bode well for any future hurdles.

Original poster

jazz6 · 13/03/2017 21:12

Think you've hit nail on head Devilmademedoit. The issue is more deep set than the bereavement and support from DH at this time. This has just exacerbated issues in our relationship that have been brewing and not tackled. I want to move forward positively and will ensure we both have a frank and adult conversation about all that's gone on and how we can turn things around and put us and DD first for a change. Our lives have changed, but some of old habits haven't. I'm not prepared to be dictated to about who we see and what we do. Our priority is ultimately DD and should be us. There will be many tougher times ahead as pp have said and we need to learn from this experience rather than push one another away

OP posts:

Topseyt · 13/03/2017 21:42

You've taken it well here OP, even though the criticism must have been hard to read at times.

Once the funeral is over try to wind down a little and spend a few days with your parents. I suspect you will find that soon after that people start to crave a sense of familiar routines and normality, so life slowly settles down again.

Then make sure to address any imbalances between you and your DH regarding visits to families.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/03/2017 05:17

I take back what I said about you both acting immaturely - you're not. Now that you've put your op in context, I can totally understand why you are choosing to be with your family. It isn't me me me. In fact it's mil mil mil. As the old adage on mumsnet goes, you don't have a mil problem, you have a dh problem. I can also imagine depending on others to drive you very frustrating. This is an added imbalance to your relationship. And gives you even less freedom to say - my folks this week. You shouldn't be forced to spend all your time with his family and none with his just to appease her. And as for your dh spending time with your mil instead of coming to see you, words fail me, He sounds very much under her control. What father would genuinely choose to be with his mother in front of the tv instead of with his wife and tiny baby. This doesn't sound like healthy behaviour of a new father. He's got his priorities very skewed. Do you drive? If you don't, can you learn?

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/03/2017 05:18

That should read. "You shouldn't be forced to spend all your time with his family and none with YOURS"

Original poster

jazz6 · 14/03/2017 06:43

I do drive mummyoflittledragon, but haven't been able to until very recently due to recovering from emergency c-section which knocked me for six. Even then, I can do local, but not distance. I'm slowly building up to that and then don't have to rely on DH to ferry me anywhere.

OP posts:

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