AIBU to expect DH to be here for me

[jazz6]

So my grandfather passed away a week ago and it has devastated me. As I'm currently on mat leave with 10 week.old DD I've been staying with my folks since which is not local to home (few hours away). I needed to be close to family as I was really close to him. DD is with me and DH dropped us off as soon as I found out news which was great. I had planned to spend a few days with his folks, but that all changed. DH stayed 1 night with me and then rushed back to his mums next morning as apparently he had things to do. What more important than being there for your wife?? The jobs were dropping his sis off, which his dad could have done and then entertaining visitors. Great. He then was back at work and I stayed at folks, but called and expected me to go back to stay with in-laws as planned. I told him he was having a fucking laugh and I was staying put for a few weeks as that's where I needed to be. He laid on guilt trip of keeping dd from him which I wasn't and not spending time with in-laws. AIBU to stay near my family during such a sad time. So I then expected him to be up like a shot following weekend, but no he was on works night out Fri which was far more important and then he was at his mum's to go visit another grieving relative. He would see me at funeral. Weekend arrived and visit moved to Sunday, but rather than take short trip to see me and little one on Saturday, he sat at home with his mother watching TV!!! If you can't make effort to support a grieving wife/husband what is the point? Maybe I'm just expecting too much i know how I'd behave if tables were turned.

I take it this is your first big loss. By the sound of it, you still have both parents alive. I know it is hard when someone you're close to dies. Generally in these situations, people lean on their oh, and don't stay away for weeks at a time. It sounds as if neither of you are communicating with each other. It's normal for him not to understand how important the loss is to you as we are talking of a grandparent, not parent. Yes, he should be coming and seeing you. And I do understand why you wouldn't want to stay with his parents if you had the choice. That said, is very unfair to take your child away for weeks so soon after they've been born. He sounds as if he's sulking. You don't sound post natal. Are you sulking too? You are both acting a bit childishly tbh.

The thing is OP in normal circumstances (as it's just a coincidence that you happened to be on mat leave) you wouldn't be able to move away from home for weeks for the loss of a grandparent so I can understand how it's maybe come as a surprise to him that you have.

I wonder whether by staying away from home for so long is going to lead you finding it more difficult to adjust to your loss? My other thought (and obviously you know your family) is that one of your parents has lost a parent and actually might need time and space themselves to adjust.

I am sorry for your loss, losing people we love is very hard. But if I am completely honest I would be very perplexed if my DP responded in such a way to the loss of a grandparent. If feel like he didn't think he could rely on me and would be quite hurt that he wanted to be so far away...As pp says your DH is your family now. You should be with him and supporting your grieving parent by regular visits etc.

I also agree with a pp that life is going to throw much harder things than this at you...Sorry if that's harsh but it's true, and if I was your DH id be very worried about how that would play out when the time comes.

In the nicest possible way, YABU. Everything in your OP is all "me me me" with no regard to anyone else, which is quite an immature and selfish stance to take.

You have lost a grandparent, which is a terribly hard thing to do especially if you are close, but your reaction is OTT. It's one thing to go for a couple of days when you found out and then perhaps another few days for the funeral etc but to want to stay for weeks?!

You are on maternity leave and so you have much more flexibility with your schedule than your DH has, you can't hold that against him. Where I work they will allow you time off for the death of a parent, grandparent, sibling, partner or child. They do not allow it for in-laws or any other family member, and in those cases you would have to take unpaid/annual leave for any visiting and funeral. With you being on maternity leave I am guessing he has already had some time off just after your DCs birth and now, with only his wage coming in, he is probably loath to take unpaid/AL that he may need in 6 months time when you/DC are sick and you need him to stay home from work for a couple of days or for any other reason.

You have chosen to visit your parents for an extended period of time despite the fact that your DC is only a couple of months old, it is hours away from your own home and your DH has other responsibilities in addition to supporting you. You have created this situation so you can't complain when your DH can't/won't drop everything instantly to be by your side 24/7, especially when you're "a few hours" away from home and - I also presume - from where he works and where his family are. You're also making it hard for your in-laws to spend any tim with their son and his child because I presume they don't live near your parents so unless your husband drives to get the baby, drives back to his parents for a visit and then drives back to your parents they get no time at all with their grandchild, and I doubt he can fit that in with work, seeing you and his child and also supporting his family through a bereavement too.

I also wonder, and I don't mean this horribly, if you're actually making life harder for your parents by being there? One of them has just lost their father and they not only have to deal with their own grief and everything that comes with dealing with a death (helping or dealing with arrangements depending on the other immediate family, any wills and legal things that need doing etc) they then have their "devastated" daughter coming to stay with a 2 month old baby and all the sleepless nights, feeds/bottles/sterilising, sleeping and general paraphanalia that comes with such tiny babies. They might be glad of the distraction of their new grandchild, but equally it might be another stressor they really don't need (but are hardly about to admit to their daughter) at the moment.

I told him he was having a fucking laugh and I was staying put for a few weeks as that's where I needed to be.

Ok but your folks arent local and are several hours away.

Your husband presumably needs to go to work so you are having a "fucking laugh" to expect him to decant to your parents for several weeks to do nothing other than sit with your family. You are also unreasonable to keep his new baby away from him for several weeks.

You speak of DH as if he is an outsider to your family.

Perhaps your parents need space. one has lost a parent and maybe don't want a newborn disturbing the house all night and day.

in the gentlest way your gd is not at your parents house. you are not a child and you have a child if your own now. moving there for weeks is bvu. you speak of you needing to be there your husband needed to support you. are you supporting one of your parents who just lost their father or is it all about you and imposing on them to support you?

I'm sorry for your loss and can understand feeling devastated and wanting to be with your family. This would be totally reasonable to want to be there for a couple of days, maybe even a few days.

But a few weeks?? YABU. As others have said, there's no way you would get to do that if you were working. It's only your own circumstances being on mat leave that allow for that, your husband doesn't have the same situation. Grief is really hard but getting back to 'normality' does help in moving forward. Go home and let your husband support you there.

i guess this is your first major loss, a few weeks with your parents and lo is extreme and unless you are from a different culture twhere this is the norm i think most people will see this as extreme and a bit me, me attitude.
splinters in the backside - i see your pov about your granddad and that is terribly sad [been there] but people do grieve in many ways, you dh does it different to you obviously as do many people on here judging by the responses. you are with your folks you don't need dh as well, but he needs you and lo because you are first and foremost his family. he needs to go to work and earn, it isn't his pain to bear, he can support you at home.

YANBU. If he wanted you to stay at his parents for a few days (with a tiny baby!) he should gave made more effort and stayed with you a few days first when you needed him.

Is he now sulking so not only ignoring you but his baby too?

I think YABU. Most employers wouldn't give more than a day compassionate leave for the death of a grandparent. Sorry for your loss, think this is a case of you needing to both do your own thing

It sounds like the DH is pissed off because OP is not performing her duties as a DIL and going to stay with PIL. Which makes him a hypocrite because he didn't want to stay for a few days with his own PIL.

It doesn't sound like he is anxious to have OP home so much as he wants her at his parents.

And DH is hardly grieving when he's going on work nights out instead of going to see his family.

I think YABU

I agree with TheNaze. If you feel like you need to spend several weeks with your family that's up to you, but your husband has a job and other family etc so can't be there completely for you like he could be if you were at home.

He must be missing his baby terribly

Chloe, so what is the DH supposed to be doing while OP is hours away staying for weeks with her parents and he is expected to go to work?

It would be ridiculous to suggest that he should be sitting at home moping when not at work or with his own recently bereaved family.

I think your definition of hypocrite needs some revision.

The wife of one of my colleagues recently lost her grandmother. Work allowed him to take one day off to support her immediately afterwards and a day for the funeral. I think it's highly unlikely that OP's DH's work would have allowed him to take off more time for someone who was note even his own relative.

Sorry for your loss, but yes YABU.

I think that by going away with your DD for a few weeks to your parents, you are giving him the impression that it's your Parents you need during this period of grief, not him.
Maybe he is sulking by not rushing to your side at every moment possible. Maybe he is trying to juggle with life while you are holed up with your folks. Maybe he is trying to give you space. Maybe he is a prat.
But you don't seem to be trying to consider him or his family at the moment.

Do you not drive or have a way of getting home then back to your family? It's sounds to me like DH is doing a loft running/driving people around?

Can you speak and suggest a time for him to be with you or you go home? Is funeral soon?

i'd be interested to hear what op's take is on these responses, hope she might get back to us soon, but opinions might be a bit scathing but this is aibu.

I'm sorry for your loss, truly, but I'm afraid I'm with everyone else on this one.

It's hard when you experience your first loss, but you're an adult not a child, and life has to go on. You're only able to be this self-indulgent (and yes that's what you are being, sorry to say) because you're on Mat leave. You'd never be able to take as much time off if you were at work, and surely you must be able to see that this is true for your DH too. My husband's bosses would laugh in his face if he asked for time off for this reason, and more importantly I think it would lower their opinion of him for having had the brass neck to ask for it in the first place.

Why is the death of your family member more important than the death in your husband's family? He might not have been as close to them as you were to your DGF but that doesn't mean his Mum wasn't.

I think you need to grow up and accept that you're making unreasonable demands of your DH.

YABU sorry.

I just dont understand the mentality of moving hours away from home for weeks and expecting DH to run rings around you and support you and ignore his own family.

He could support you fully in your own home.

He also shouldnt miss weeks and weeks of his first babys precious life. Would you like not to see your baby every day for a few weeks?

Sorry for your loss.

It's a difficult one. Life goes on and he needs to work and support his own family BUT it does sound like he could make more of an effort to support u and try to see u and baby as much as possible. Maybe U should see each other and spend some quality time together this weekend.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP, but I'm with the majority, I'm afraid.

I appreciate that you're grieving, but if you were working you probably wouldn't be given even a day off for the loss of a grandparent. Staying with your family for weeks whilst your husband is working seems unfair to me. In addition, once the funeral and formalities are over, I feel it would be ill-advised not to try to get back to some routine, in terms of getting over your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss, but think you are being massively U here, particularly if your DH has had a bereavement on his side too?

I did take a week off when my dad died suddenly a few years ago but we had to deal with getting his body back to the country, post mortems etc etc- never would have been able to take weeks and I doubt many people could. You won't feel it now OP but I think you are very lucky to have been able to spend these weeks with your family- don't punish your DP for it though.