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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact an abusiv ex?

41 replies

Housequeen101 · 12/03/2017 19:42

Can't say too much without giving away who I am.

10 years ago I was in a terrible relationship, he mentally, emotionally and physically abused me. He also cheated the entire time. I was young and foolish but eventually broke free.

He has recently got in contact via social media (haven't spoken in 5+years, he emailed me 5 years ago to apologise but I wasn't ready to hear it) not said anything just added me. I am married to the love of my life whom I have a wonderful daughter with.

Aibu to want to contact him to ask why he done it? I feel like I need closure or is that stupied? I aslo would feel like I had to ask my husband permission and would feel foolish as I know he wouldn't get why. Am I being childish?

Thanks

OP posts:
Rainydayspending · 12/03/2017 19:47

Ignore the waste of space. In my experience people like that don't change, just change their angle. It's literally his loss that you've moved on. You carry on living your life and work on not needing someone elses permission to make decisions about your own emotional reactions x best wishes.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/03/2017 19:50

Similar to what Rainy has said. IME when a bloke like this contacts you again, it's just to mess with your head. I think you may need to accept you may well never get the answers from him. You need a closure that does not involve his input I fear.

Original poster
Housequeen101 · 12/03/2017 19:50

Rainy day - thanks for your opinion. I probably didn't word that correctly not permission as such, more run it by him. Am getting therapy tho, all positive. X

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MrsTwix · 12/03/2017 19:51

It's understandable but I think it's a bad idea.

PollytheDolly · 12/03/2017 19:52

Don't go there. Live your life with the love of your life and stick two fingers up to that loser.

Hissy · 12/03/2017 19:52

He's doing it for his own benefit

If you accept him on the social media, he thinks he can't be that much of a tosser ... (not my first word choice...)

Delete him and block the twat. He doesn't get to have you to make him feel better about himself.

nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice · 12/03/2017 19:53

Personally, I would just leave it in the past. It will bring back bad memories and you arnt likely to get the answers you want. My ex was very emotionally abusive to both me and our son. But I've come to accept it's just the way he is and there is no reasonable explanation for why someone thinks it's ok to treat people the way that he did. Be thankful that you got away from him when you did and that you have found happiness with your current partner. Flowers

GreyStars · 12/03/2017 19:53

Don't do it to yourself, your likely not to get the answers you want and it will just mess with your head even further.

Concentrate on therapy, it really is the best way forward.

Most importantly block him

troodiedoo · 12/03/2017 19:53

You're happy in your new life. That's closure.

Delete and block the waste of space.

highinthesky · 12/03/2017 19:54

Why would you even want to acknowledge his presence? He is an ex with very good reason. If you want a reason behind his behaviour, it's because he a horrible person. Leopards don't change their spots.

Block contact and get on with your life.

SpackenDeDoich · 12/03/2017 19:54

Hello. I've had am abusive partner who like yours in now in my past.
I do sometimes wonder if he has ever realised how badly he hurt me, and the damage he left behind. Would I ever contact him to maybe get those questions answered? In all honestly no I wouldn't.

Like you I've moved on. I think I will always have faint scars, but equally I've also gained some strengths from the experience. It's an ill wind etc.
I honestly would never want to risk bringing all those horrific feelings to the surface again. I think they are better as far behind me as possible. So my reply to your question would be leave well alone.
I'm really happy that you have moved on to have the happiness you have now. That's what I think you should focus on IMHO Flowers

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 12/03/2017 19:56

Maybe he doesn't like the fact another man has made you happy. Contacting him would give him scope to ruin your life yet again. .

Ginkypig · 12/03/2017 19:56

I can not stress enough how much I want to tell you not to do this!

He can never give you the answers you need for his horrific behaviour towards you because there can ever be a good enough reason.

He is doing this either because he is so selfish that his needs come before yours (which they always did) or because he is still the manipulative cunt he always was and is testing the waters (I vote number 2)

If he truly cared about what he had done to you he would leave you to enjoy the rest of your life and think that he shouldn't drag up pain from your past even if it meant he had to live with the guilt but he hasn't so I point you back to the last paragraph.

Focus on your now and your future, not your past.

Sn0tnose · 12/03/2017 20:02

I totally understand why you would want an explanation, it's not stupid at all, but really, what good would it bring you?

He's either going to deny and minimise, leaving you feeling hurt and angry, or he'll accept what he did, tell you that you did nothing to deserve it and that he's sorry. What will either achieve? You already know that the blame for his behaviour lies solely with him and you certainly don't want to invite any more negative emotions into your life; you're presumably working very hard to get rid of those if you're having counselling. So why undo all that hard work? Delete and block is the only sensible thing to do. Then take a long look at your lovely family and think about how happy you are without him in your life 💐

Scrubba · 12/03/2017 20:27

Block him and change your settings to private! Do not let him anywhere near your life in any way shape or form. You might think it harmless to have him in social media but it is a bad idea.

Original poster
Housequeen101 · 12/03/2017 20:31

Thank you all so much for your replies, it's so refreshing to get strangers opinions, you're all right ofcourse, its just fraustrating to not have answers but I'll speak it through with my therapist. Shall block him! Ginkypig I literally lol at your reply. Honestly thank you all for taking the time to reply can always count on mumsnettets xx

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Aeroflotgirl · 12/03/2017 20:33

Delete and block! Don't go backwards, you have a new happier life now.

Secretlife0fbees · 12/03/2017 20:36

You'll never hear what you want to hear, all you'll get is lured into frustrating conversations and it will mess with your head. Think about it, what would you gain if he had had a complete personality transplant and was sorry? Wouldn't that make you feel worse really? I can understand why you'd want to but I don't think any good can come of this either way. Block him, yes.

TheNewSchmoo · 12/03/2017 20:37

He may have added you, but you didn't have to accept. Delete and block.

Original poster
Housequeen101 · 12/03/2017 20:42

The new shmo- maybe I didn't explain probably... I didn't accept, he tried to add me and i didn't respond.
Life of bees, you're right! X

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Original poster
Housequeen101 · 12/03/2017 20:43

I can't spell either! Properly**

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PavlovianLunge · 12/03/2017 21:22

OP, please don't engage, he hurt you, methodically and deliberately, and he won't have changed, not deep down.

A friend of DM was hit by her husband less than a week after they married. Nearly 60 years later, he is still abusive, and has ruined her life. For whatever reason, she couldn't free herself from her abuser - don't let yours back into your life.

Weedsnseeds1 · 12/03/2017 22:53

No, don't respond. I stumbled across a FB message from an ex on a section of the site I didn't even know existed. It's where people that are not "approved" friends, but don't send a request can post. Can't remember what it is called, clicked it by accident. Anyway message was about 2 years old, but followed by another message 48 hours later by a hate filled diatribe because I hadn't responded. He's out of your life, don't give him a way back in.

ChuckDaffodils · 12/03/2017 23:00

You want answers? He is an abuser. There you go. Sorted.

Original poster
Housequeen101 · 13/03/2017 00:01

If I'm being honest I want him to know how much damage he's done and how much hurt he's caused, 10 years later I'm still having therapy and on tablets. I know that he wouldn't care and might even get satisfaction from knowing that, I'm just so angry that he's living his life without a care in the world and I'm a mess still Angry I won't contact him, glad I posted here thank you all x

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