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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact an abusiv ex?

41 replies

Housequeen101 · 12/03/2017 19:42

Can't say too much without giving away who I am.

10 years ago I was in a terrible relationship, he mentally, emotionally and physically abused me. He also cheated the entire time. I was young and foolish but eventually broke free.

He has recently got in contact via social media (haven't spoken in 5+years, he emailed me 5 years ago to apologise but I wasn't ready to hear it) not said anything just added me. I am married to the love of my life whom I have a wonderful daughter with.

Aibu to want to contact him to ask why he done it? I feel like I need closure or is that stupied? I aslo would feel like I had to ask my husband permission and would feel foolish as I know he wouldn't get why. Am I being childish?

Thanks

OP posts:
Wotshudwehave4T · 13/03/2017 00:11

OP I'd bet he's not happy and not living without a care in the world. If he was he would have no need to go back to the past and try to contact you, so he can feel better by being awful to you again. I'd say he's at a loose end as some poor woman has just escaped from him. Stay away and feel better for it.

chitofftheshovel · 13/03/2017 00:22

You're not being stupid or childish, it's totally understandable to want answers. But. Do not engage with this person, he will twist events and is only trying make himself feel better.

HelenaGWells · 13/03/2017 00:54

No good would come of it. Abusers don't give a shit how much carnage they cause. If anything he will think it's great that he is still in your head in some way. Block and don't engage. Keep up the therapy.

ExplodedCloud · 13/03/2017 01:01

At best he's after forgiveness and facing up to what he's done FOR HIMSELF. You don't owe him that.
Fuck him. Let him stew.

AYankinSpanx · 13/03/2017 01:04

I am married to the love of my life whom I have a wonderful daughter with

This is your closure. Please don't give this awful man a single second more of your life.

blubberball · 13/03/2017 04:12

I agree with pp, the best thing that you can do is work on yourself, your current relationship and family. Look towards your happy future, and use the therapy to deal with your past. It's more satisfying for you, and it sticks two fingers up at the abuser to know that you no longer give him a second thought. All the best for your future. :)

PollytheDolly · 13/03/2017 05:26

Whilst it's understandable to want to tell him what a cunt he is, as soon as you even acknowledge the twat you once again become his source of supply.

I'm glad you've blocked him. Onwards and upwards! Smile

ChuckDaffodils · 13/03/2017 07:51

If I'm being honest I want him to know how much damage he's done and how much hurt he's caused, 10 years later I'm still having therapy and on tablets.

You are assuming that he is a normal person who would be upset at the thought of having done that. He is not, abusers and particularly narcissists will feel a sense of achievement at this.

Do not engage.

Hissy · 13/03/2017 10:29

Bizarrely sometimes our decisions lead us to the place we are in life. We can learn a lot about ourselves by the mistakes we make along the way.

Please don't allow the ghosts of your past to hurt the beauty of your present day and future life.

I am married to the love of my life whom I have a wonderful daughter with.

This. Just this. focus on this. You deserve this and should not allow anything, including you yourself to sabotage this.

Living well is the best revenge. If he were blissfully happy in his life he would be coming back to contact you. I know you feel you need to prove a point somehow, but seriously you already have.

By not contacting/replying/acknowledging him you'll be a thorn in HIS side. He does know on some squalid level that he was a tosser to you, and he wants acknowledgement from you to make him feel better.

Ginkypig · 13/03/2017 12:39

I hope it's lol in the right way Blush

Do you realise what your last post means?

You will feed him, he will get off on hearing what he did worked so well and lasted so long.

He did these things to you because at some level he enjoyed hurting you and more importantly seeing you in pain at the very least he didn't care about the damage he was causing.

Telling him how much damage he caused you will only make him enjoy hearing it he will save it and use it every time he feels the need to "emotionally snack"

I know it's hard I too wish I could get the answers I need but their brains don't work like a normal persons so we can't ever approach it as if they were normal,

SellMySoulForSomeSleep · 13/03/2017 12:49

I had this exact situation. My very abusive ex messaged me on Facebook after 5 years to apologise for his behaviour and then went on to tell me what he had been up to and how he is happy with his new woman etc etc.
What an absolute cunt.

I really wanted to reply to make him realise what he did to me but I realised he was not worth the head space even writing the response so I blocked him. That was nearly 10 years ago and I havent regretted it once.

Gottagetmoving · 13/03/2017 13:34

It doesn't matter why he 'did it' It's something wrong with him. Asking why suggests you may still think it's something about you....It's not anything you did or didn't do.
The bloke is sick.
You are happy now, with a good life. Please don't let him back even on socially media. He can only be contacting you to make himself feel better.

Original poster
Housequeen101 · 13/03/2017 17:59

Thank you all for your advise, I have blocked him.

GinkyPig yes in a good way. I know men like him probably never will I just wish they'd realise how much is messes someone up, it's mind boggling that you can care for someone so much and they don't give a shit.

You're all right ofcourse - He's not normal and would probably enjoy hearing how im still suffering.

Xx

OP posts:
Welshmaenad · 13/03/2017 18:02

I was in this exact situation - my abusive ex made contact immediately before my wedding. I regret engaging with him, it didn't give me any closure at all as despite him being outwardly apologetic he started blaming me the minute I began questioning his behaviour. It was not helpful in the least. Ignore and block X

Ginkypig · 14/03/2017 00:57

That's great house.

I know your left with the what ifs but I truly believe that's better than the inevitable emotional fallout when he is disappointingly predictable in his shitty behaviour.

Enjoy you family they are what you've always deserved and you've had to go through more than most to have them!

AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/03/2017 03:25

I made the mistake of re connecting with an abusive ex in an attempt to hopefully find he wasn't the monster i thought he was (emotionally financially and verbally sexually abusive, it was a LDR) because i was sick of having nightmares about him coming to get me.

I was in a new relationship with the love of my life and happy, and he started with his old mind games again and nearly destroyed my new relationship. He hadn't changed, they never do, and all i ever got out of him when i asked why he mistreated me as "i don't know". It caused so many more questions than it answered and it's a massive regret.

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