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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend and money

66 replies

NancyCarolinesTorch · 12/03/2017 16:33

Probably a long and tedious story, but here goes.
Close friend owed me some money. She seems to be almost annoyed that I asked for it back and I'm wondering if I should have just let her off.

I took her DD out for the morning at the end of october while she andid her DH did some wallpapering. She asked me to pick up some bits from the supermarket on the way back- pull ups, snacks for DD, stuff for their lunches at work, Halloween candy and some other bits. She didn't have cash on her so instead of taking her card (I always get unfoundedly paranoid that I'll get arrested or something , I said I'd put it on mine and she could transfer me.the money. All fine andining when I went home the last thing she said is that she'd send it over.

It didn't materialise and to be completely honest I forgot for a few weeks. I remembered in December and mentioned it to her but told her to leave it till after Christmas if she was short. Fine.

TheNothing reminded her in January and the message I got back was 'erm, OK can do but I'm really skint. I'll try to scrape some together for you.'. I felt horribly guilty.

Couple of weeks later we were on town and she went to the cash point, she said her DH had transferred her some for me- but when she looked or hadn't cleared. Fine again but it still never materialised.

I've reminded her twice more since then both times she's been very apologetic and said she's got a lot on and forgot.

I genuinely needed the money this weekend so I asked for it agin on Wednesday and told her what it was for. She promised to do it later and offered to bring me someg cash. I said either was fine as long as I had it by Saturday. On Friday it still wasn't there and she hadn't replied to texts about other things on Thursday. I asked one more time (nicely!). She relplied to the other things I'd asked but didn't mention the money. She did finally pay it in though. It's hard to explain but I felt like she was annoyed that I asked again.

It's taken so long to get it back I can't help but wonder whether I should have just let it go? I consider myself a generous person and if she genuinely couldn't afford it I'd have left it, but she didn't say that. Also id have no problem buying things for her DD if she didnt have the money- but the thing is I didnt even actually lend it to her, it was just for convenience!

I just feel a bit guilty now for going on at her. It was my fault for forgetting at the time. Plus is true that she has a lot on- no more than anyone else to be honest but she's quite a stressy person and she feels things hard.

Should I have let it go?

OP posts:

INXS · 13/03/2017 15:04

"I don't see a bank transfer as a faff. It takes 20 seconds tops on your phone!"

It really doesn't. You have to get the account details, log in, navigate to the payments bit, then enter the details manually as sort codes always have dashes in them that internet banking won't accept. It's not a big job, but it's an irritating one, and in your friend's position, it's not like it's in her interest to do it! So while her intention might not have been to fleece you, I can see why she'd be like "hmm, shall I crack open that bottle of wine and check facebook for a bit, or shall I make that payment to Nancy? Hmmm... I'll go for option 1".

Not saying she's right, but equally OP - making a second transaction with someone else's card isn't a faff either, in my book. You just transferred the "faff" away from yourself and onto her.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 13/03/2017 15:09

I had this with a friend who I lent money too. She kept saying she was skint but could afford things like eyebrow tattoos etc.
I now don't lend money as I hate chasing people for it!
If someone buys me something (cinema tickets is the latest ones as my friend gets a discount) then I make sure they have the money straight away. I really hate owing money and hate it even more if I have to be asked for it (due to forgetting to do a transfer)

amusedbush · 13/03/2017 15:47

£40 is a lot to me. That's pretty much my weekly food shop, or it's my phone bill and pet insurance payment combined for that month. I'd definitely notice that it was missing and I'd be pissed off too!

Original poster

NancyCarolinesTorch · 13/03/2017 16:50

INXS (awesome name btw) she has the same mobile banking app as me. It takes about a minute if you do a one off payment and have to enter the account number. If the details are saved (which yes, you can only do on the website) it takes 20 seconds. I do believe she has mine saved as she didn't ask for the details.

OP posts:

Original poster

NancyCarolinesTorch · 13/03/2017 16:52

Also I can see what you mean about transferring the faff to her, but to be fair I was doing her a favour!

OP posts:

dustarr73 · 13/03/2017 19:12

So what if it's a faff,she still owed it to the OP.She asked her to get the stuff.OP shouldn't have to chase her,then she pays her like she's doing you a favour

SuperFlyHigh · 13/03/2017 19:18

I hate to say this and I'd be pleased to be disproved wrong but I bet your friend thinks you're financially better off than her by being single and working whereas she even though married and with a child feels she has more outgoings.

I've had coupled up friends (I'm in a couple now but was single for a few years) assume of me and single friends that we "have more money" especially on nights out. Couldn't be further from the truth.

In this case I'd let it slide or ask once more and then leave it.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/03/2017 19:20

Whenever I've lent money or gone on an outing (eg theatre) with friends that involves me paying we always (for me too) set up transfers on Internet banking and transfer money almost immediately or very soon. So easy to do. An app is even better.

Bardolino · 13/03/2017 19:23

How were you going to pay with her card? That's fraud isn't it? So you weren't avoiding a faff, you were avoiding an attempt to defraud your 'friend''s bank.

Personally, I reckon you'll never see that money again. Sorry. I also wouldn't see that 'friend' again and I wouldn't hesitate to explain why if anyone asked.

Original poster

NancyCarolinesTorch · 13/03/2017 19:59

Super she's never said as much but maybe. I've definitely got that vibe from other friends.
Defiantly not true. Being single is really really expensive

OP posts:

Melaniaspilatesinstructor · 13/03/2017 20:17

yadnbu

SuperFlyHigh · 13/03/2017 21:25

I'm not saying that's true and she thinks of it automatically OP but I think sometimes at the back of some people's minds their thoughts "could" be like this and then she feels justified you know for not paying you back, in fact I'm sure her DH probably wants her to pay you back.

See at least I know with that "single" vibe now, I would never have behaved that way before (if I was a couple out with single friends) but now from speaking to another single friend and a couple she was out with and the woman in the couple (Who was my friend's friend) tried to make my friend pay for her OH - it really pissed my friend off being taken advantage of. So now in my position as a couple (fairly new though) I would take single friends into account when we are out. I've overexplained there sorry!

Original poster

NancyCarolinesTorch · 13/03/2017 22:15

I knew what you meant.
She tried to make her mate pay for her DP!? Wtf!?

OP posts:

BARB060609 · 13/03/2017 22:35

I have been in this situation so many times in the past and am now very reluctant to lend money to people. You shouldn't have to ask for it back, they should approach you with it as soon as they have it. Please try not to feel guilty, your friend was taking the piss.

INXS · 13/03/2017 22:39

"I can see what you mean about transferring the faff to her, but to be fair I was doing her a favour!'

Yes, you are right, and she definitely should have paid you back. I just think it would have been way easier to just take the card she offered and used it.

Original poster

NancyCarolinesTorch · 13/03/2017 23:22

I feel like I'm drip feeding a bit here but she didn't explicitly offer.me her card. It was more 'I don't have any cash on me, what do you want to do'. So I could have asked for her card and I presume she'd have given me it, but it wasn't actually offered. I'm just assuming.
Not that it really matters. I've got the money now and I won't be paying for anything for her in future!

OP posts:

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