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Original poster

Friend and money

66 replies

NancyCarolinesTorch · 12/03/2017 16:33

Probably a long and tedious story, but here goes.
Close friend owed me some money. She seems to be almost annoyed that I asked for it back and I'm wondering if I should have just let her off.

I took her DD out for the morning at the end of october while she andid her DH did some wallpapering. She asked me to pick up some bits from the supermarket on the way back- pull ups, snacks for DD, stuff for their lunches at work, Halloween candy and some other bits. She didn't have cash on her so instead of taking her card (I always get unfoundedly paranoid that I'll get arrested or something Blush, I said I'd put it on mine and she could transfer me.the money. All fine andining when I went home the last thing she said is that she'd send it over.

It didn't materialise and to be completely honest I forgot for a few weeks. I remembered in December and mentioned it to her but told her to leave it till after Christmas if she was short. Fine.

TheNothing reminded her in January and the message I got back was 'erm, OK can do but I'm really skint. I'll try to scrape some together for you.'. I felt horribly guilty.

Couple of weeks later we were on town and she went to the cash point, she said her DH had transferred her some for me- but when she looked or hadn't cleared. Fine again but it still never materialised.

I've reminded her twice more since then both times she's been very apologetic and said she's got a lot on and forgot.

I genuinely needed the money this weekend so I asked for it agin on Wednesday and told her what it was for. She promised to do it later and offered to bring me someg cash. I said either was fine as long as I had it by Saturday. On Friday it still wasn't there and she hadn't replied to texts about other things on Thursday. I asked one more time (nicely!). She relplied to the other things I'd asked but didn't mention the money. She did finally pay it in though. It's hard to explain but I felt like she was annoyed that I asked again.

It's taken so long to get it back I can't help but wonder whether I should have just let it go? I consider myself a generous person and if she genuinely couldn't afford it I'd have left it, but she didn't say that. Also id have no problem buying things for her DD if she didnt have the money- but the thing is I didnt even actually lend it to her, it was just for convenience!

I just feel a bit guilty now for going on at her. It was my fault for forgetting at the time. Plus is true that she has a lot on- no more than anyone else to be honest but she's quite a stressy person and she feels things hard.

Should I have let it go? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
NancyCarolinesTorch · 12/03/2017 21:58

Yeah I guess I could live without the money but things are a bit tight this month and I was getting my hair cut yesterday. I felt a bit bad telling her that's what I needed the money for since it was something frivolous, but I've had the appointment booked for ages and it really needed doing.

I guess I'm feeling guilty for going on at her because if she really needed it I'd have happily given it to her. But... I don't know. She and her husband have good jobs. They do spend a lot on their mortgage and doing up the house which must take up a loyal of their cash but they're not struggling IYSWIM

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 12/03/2017 22:32

But it's your money,don't feel guilty and don't lend her anything again.

BlinkyT · 12/03/2017 22:43

Stop feeling guilty! you have nothing to feel guilty about. Id keep asking for the money until I got it back. Don't apologise when you ask and if she says that she can't afford it say that you can take half and she'd can pay you half next time you see her. If she seems annoyed then call her out on it. Ask her why she feels annoyed because you don't understand it.

If you don't ask for it back I bet it will annoy you for years......

WeAreEternal · 12/03/2017 22:59

It doesn't matter how much it was, for some £40 is a meal out, a new tshirt or drinks with a friend, for others it could be their entire weekly shop, their whole disposable income.

I hate when people ask you to get things and then delay paying you back, I hate it even more when people say they are going to 'transfer it now' repeatedly and then don't, it's lying and it's unfair.

She should have been honest with you, even if she didn't have £40 I'm sure she could have given you £5 in December, £10 in Jan and the rest last month.

I have a friend like this, it took me far too long to learn to never tell her if I'm going shopping, and if she asks directly to say "I don't have my cards with me, only a little cash for the thing I need, so if you want me to get them you'll have to give me the cash" she hardly ever asks now as she knows she won't get a line of credit with me that she can abuse.

DeadGood · 12/03/2017 23:03

I know it's easy to say this in hindsight, but OP, you need to remove the possibility of this sort of thing happening in the first place.

It seems from your OP that you had the option of taking her card but didn't. It sounds like your friend had the money and wanted an easy transaction, but you preferred to get a transfer later, because you were worried you'd get in trouble for using someone else's card.

I'm not saying this to be horrid, but it sounds a bit life-limiting to have such a fearful attitude to things. Just take the card, buy the stuff, no one has to faff about making bank transfers, no one has to chase anyone else for money.

You didn't do anything wrong by asking for the money back, but it does seem unnecessary that it went the way it did.

Glad you got it back in the end.

GoodnightSeattle · 12/03/2017 23:09

You were perfectly entitled to keep asking until you got it but personally I'd have left it. If it was around Halloween that's five months ago, for £40? Really not worth the bother imo. That's more than I'd be prepared to sub a friend anyway, £20 tops for me and then I know I can afford to forget about getting it back. Next time just take her card and try not to be so anxious about it.

ButtercupChain · 12/03/2017 23:10

This is why I never ever ever lend anyone anything - ever.

I remember that old saying 'if you lend someone twenty pounds and never see them again, it was probably worth it.' And also 'never a borrower or lender be!'

I can't bear lending anything to anyone actually, as it's always a challenge to get it back. I hate asking for stuff back, and somehow the person you lend a certain item (or money) to, seems to make me feel awkward about asking for my OWN PROPERTY back.

I think some people seem to think they're entitled to keep the money or item that you have lent them, because they seem disgusted and irritated that they're being asked to give it back.

The OP's 'friend' is royally taking the piss.

devuskums · 12/03/2017 23:16

I don't think you were bu, she most certainly was. Next time have an excuse prepared and make sure you feel as guilty as she hasn't been feeling since October!! I wouldn't want to have taken the card either. You sound like a lovely friend..have some Flowers and some Gin

JustSpeakSense · 12/03/2017 23:44

£40 is actually quite a bit to be owing someone.

She hasn't given it to you in 5 months, she isn't going to. Stop asking for it.

JustSpeakSense · 12/03/2017 23:45

(Not because you shouldn't get it back, because you should!) but no matter how many times you ask, she's not going to pay up.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 13/03/2017 02:59

£40 is a lot of money to ask someone to spend for you and not give back.

sobeyondthehills · 13/03/2017 03:38

forty quid to me is the difference between paying the gas and getting food.

You are going to get a lot of responses saying that it is not a lot of money, but for some it is.

You shouldn't feel guilty in asking for it back

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 13/03/2017 06:32

It is a significant sum of money, in the past it's been my food budget for a week. It's enough that I'd get pissed off enough not to write it off.

malificent7 · 13/03/2017 06:37

40 quid is a lot imo so yanbu.

In any case its the principal .

jay55 · 13/03/2017 07:03

To me £5-10 is easy to write off, or works itself out in time through coffeeshop visits or whatever.
But £40 is way above that and picking up £40 worth of things for someone is a lot more effort than picking up some milk.
Give her a deadline. You don't need to justify what it is for.

sooperdooper · 13/03/2017 08:09

She's a cheeky cow and you've done nothing wrong, it was your money and it's her fault for not paying it back when she said she would

Whether £40 is viewed by some as a lot or a little is utterly irrelevant, it was your money, you did her a favour and of course you should get it back

Never, ever lend her money again

expatinscotland · 13/03/2017 08:14

She's got a cheek. Never, ever lend her money again.

RhiWrites · 13/03/2017 08:37

"I'll scrape something together" is manipulative.

A genuinely non-user would have said "omg can't believe I still haven't given you that back, will sort it right now"

HenDogismylife · 13/03/2017 09:01

I had a 'friend' move in with me once. She was supposed to pay £250 a month. It took her two months to 'set up a standing order' with a different excuse every other day as to why the money wasn't in my bank. Then she paid as normal for three months then just stopped paying altogether. She stopped staying at the house but all of her stuff was still there and she still had keys. When she eventually picked her things up she owed me over £3000. Safe to say we are not friends anymore.

Devilishpyjamas · 13/03/2017 09:05

Of course she should pay back £40. She should have paid it back within days.

Graphista · 13/03/2017 09:09

£40 is equivalent to

My gas bill
My weekly shop
My monthly clothes budget

She is taking the piss!

If the other details fitted I'd think you were talking about my sister. One of the reasons I'm now Nc with her.

Over the years the 'small amounts' added up to thousands (done as bank transfers so I was able to look it up). She's lost loads of friends with this kind of behaviour.

Insist she pays you it today then dump her conning arse!

Mulberry72 · 13/03/2017 09:19

You've nothing to feel guilty about OP!

She should be the one feeling guilty for messing you about, I wouldn't lend her money or pay for things on her behalf again!

TheRealPooTroll · 13/03/2017 10:13

What would irritate me is that they were obviously just expecting to put you off that many times that you'd just stop asking. She and her dp have good jobs and a house with a large mortgage that they are putting a lot of money into yet they are happy to leave you scrimping for a haircut after you did them a favour? They aren't good friends I'm afraid op. If you had to ask twice I'd say they forgot but the number of times you had to ask they were clearly trying to get out of it.

Original poster
NancyCarolinesTorch · 13/03/2017 10:27

Thanks everyone.
With regards to the amout of money- I do have a good job but I'm single and live alone which is REALLY expensive and takes almost all of my basic salary. I supliment my income with overtime for everything else ie my lifestyle. So nights out, meals, hair cuts etc. Don't get me wrong, I choose to live like this. I could live somewhere cheaper or have flatmates or I could cut way back on luxuries- but if I lend someone money it comes out of my extra money that I've done overtime for so I generally want it back!

And not paying with her card- while it does make me feel a bit awkward that's not the whole reason for it. I should have said I was also getting a few bits for myself so that would have been faffing around with 2 transactions and a child who would be rapidly losing interest. It just seemed easier- I don't see a bank transfer as a faff. It takes 20 seconds tops on your phone!

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 13/03/2017 10:58

I wouldn't take someone else card either.Im glad you got the money back,but really who forgets £40

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