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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave?

67 replies

ohmarina · 12/03/2017 16:17

Bit of background info. I am a single parent and currently have quite a good job. I'm not particularly well off but I am comfortable. I have one DD who is currently in year 11. We live in quite an affluent area (got a mortgage at the right time!) and I have worked extremely hard to put my daughter through private education. She is in the process of doing her GCSE's and has recently informed me that she wants to get a job instead of doing her A levels or going to university. I informed her that she cannot leave full time education until she's 18 to which she replied that she will just do a health and social course. I am not a snob by any means but health and social courses are notoriously easy and looked down upon. She plans to just go into full time office work which she believes doesn't require many qualifications. I keep encouraging her to take a more ambitious path but she does not have the motivation. I cant help but feel disappointed as like I said, my neighbours and friends are affluent so their children are all aspiring to go to oxbridge or other universities, and want to take A Levels. To add an extra layer of complication, she wants to live with her Dad 2 hours away. I have never liked the idea of her moving in with him but am starting to think that maybe she should go. I have just recently paid off my mortgage and am thinking of selling if DD decides to move out. I lived in Malaysia for 2 years when I was 25 and am thinking that I may try to sell my house and move back there as I loved it.

Advice please xx

OP posts:

Magicpaintbrush · 12/03/2017 20:16

I'm finding your intentions are giving very mixed messages. On the one hand you want your daughter to do well, and then in the same breath you want to move thousands of miles away from her. In your daughter's position I would feel totally abandoned and rejected by you and I would never be able to forgive or forget - actions speak louder than words and in this case it seems like you want the kudos of your daughter being a high flier but don't care about actually ever seeing her or being part of her life, like you are happy to just leave her behind. I don't get it. How can you have a close relationship with your own child in these circumstances? You sound very cold. Sorry.

kimann · 12/03/2017 20:20

Where in Malaysia are you looking to live? KL? It's not that expensive (if you sell here in the UK) as you probably already know - the cost of living is cheaper over there. Will you work if you moved? Maybe try it out for abit, but not immediately after she goes . you might feel differently after a while, let your daughter move, let her see what's it like, she might hate it and want to move back with you!

wannabestressfree · 12/03/2017 20:24

We aren't all cut from the same cloth. It's better to be supportive and manovere that way e.g. Offer to go and look at colleges than be defensive so they shut down. I did my qualifications the hard way (with a baby in toe on halls floors) and sometimes I can be a bit pushy with my sons. I have had to learn to stand back and then help when required. My number 2 is predicated a's and b's and has applied to do plumbing at college. He is so happy I cannot not be happy. It's what he wants. And if he boaks the first time he gets splash back from a u bend I will be there telling him it will all be ok.
You have to :)
I would wait a bit :)

Lemondrop09 · 12/03/2017 20:41

I think you sound hurt by your daughter. You've worked hard to provide yet with an expensive education, she was shoring promise of really good grades....and suddenly she's flunking out, refusing further education and as a final "insult" wants to move in with her dad. Do you feel like she's throwing everything back in your face? So you're thinking let her get on with it. She made her bed, she can lie in it and why shouldn't you go off and pursue a move abroad instead of wasting more effort on an ungrateful daughter?

I can see why you'd be disappointed with how things are turning out, and I have no doubt your daughter is keenly aware of your disappointment to - perhaps a reason she wants to live with her dad? She sounds like a teenager who has burned out under pressure and is looking for a way out. I'd say she needs you more than ever. If she moves, can't you stick around for another two years and consider the move when she is 18? She could mature a lot in that time and anything could happen. You can also give her time to adjust to the idea of you being so far away. Her current decisions might not be the best, and she'll need to support of both parents when she starts trying to resolve it. I wouldn't be too hasty to make such a big decision yet, your daughter sounds like she's going through a bumpy patch and needs support through it, not matter how frustrating you are finding her current behaviour.

seriouslyenoughalready · 12/03/2017 20:46

She might just be exhausted with all the studying and the pressure that can come with private education. She sees an opportunity for some breathing space and less pressure. She may well change her mind.
Does her Dad pressure her much regarding education? Maybe she feels that he would be more encouraging /understanding of her point of view and life choices.
As for moving away, I can't understand how you could do that at such a transitional time in her life. Saying if it doesn't work out 'it's her fault because she chose to move there' - children notoriously make unwise decisions - I think our job is to be a round to help them out if it onset of to okay, but thats my opinion.

n0ne · 12/03/2017 21:05

I was basically your daughter 20 years ago. Pretty academically strong, got all As and Bs at GCSE but just lost all interest in A levels. I started bunking off and eventually school called my mum in. I was TERRIFIED of what she was going to say, both my parents had always put such stock in education above all else, but my mum surprised me by saying, you clearly don't want to do this, so don't. But you have to get a job. So I got an office job, and a couple of years later decided I definitely wanted to get a degree. Studied for A levels in the evening while working full time, got into my first choice uni 4 years after quitting school, got a 2:1.

Trust your daughter to do the right thing eventually. I will always thank my mum for supporting me and trusting in me. Now if she'd said, go live with your dad, I'm off to to other side of the world, I would have thought she was majorly rejecting me, and I'd really let her down.

londonrach · 12/03/2017 21:19

Seriously...the two people i know who left school at 16 earn ££££ more than uni friends...one is a car mechanic and one went into the council as an office, worked way up till 21/22 then told them she needed to go to uni and got them to pay for her and salary. I wont tell you how high up she but lets just say a gp would struggle to get her wage. Same with the car mechanic. When i think of my unibfriends, one working behind the bar in a town he grow up in living back with parents...id say id support dc in whatever they do. Education or Uni isnt the only way.

She can always get working, life experience and return in a few years!

ghostyslovesheets · 12/03/2017 21:44

oh and I left school at 16 with 3 o levels at C - did health and social care - went to uni at 22 and now have a well paid job and a masters

Ex DH left at 16 and did an apprenticeship - he now runs his own successful business

MummyPigLovesAppleSauce · 12/03/2017 21:46

I don't know about moving to Malaysian, but I've taught BTEC Health and Social Care for 10 years now and it absolutely is not a doss subject. It is a level 3 qualification, just like other A Level courses, and is specifically designed to appeal to students who wish to study in an alternative way.

Over the years, around 80% of each of my cohorts have gone on to higher education, with at least 15 of my students going to Russell Group universities.
IMO, if your DD is interested in studying H&SC, then support her. She might absolutely love it and go on to take up an allied profession. At worst, she will end up with decent level 3 qualification which could lead to other places. Please don't let your negative opinion of the course put her off!

MummyPigLovesAppleSauce · 12/03/2017 21:47

Malaysia!
Stupid phone!!!

SabineUndine · 12/03/2017 22:26

I think you and your DD need to do some talking about what she wants. I work in an office and since leaving uni 30years ago I've done a second degree and two professional qualifications at degree level. If your DD thinks getting a job is a way out of studying, she needs to think again. What does she want to do.

pinkdelight · 12/03/2017 23:13

Interesting how you're reacting to the situation by planning such an extreme. Just like she is reacting to her years of schooling by wanting to chuck it all in for an extremely different kind of life. Perhaps she is more like you than you think. And your Malaysia plan actually validates her chucking it all plan. I'd advocate you both being less extreme. Adding to her pressure is unhelpful, gains you little and loses you both a lot.

Bagel88 · 13/03/2017 08:29

Can she take a year off, earn some money in an office then go back and do A levels later?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/03/2017 08:40

She plans to just go into full time office work which she believes doesn't require many qualifications. I keep encouraging her to take a more ambitious path

I will tell that to my friend - she works full time in an office as a solicitor

Or do you mean 'just' a secretary or 'just a receptionist' type office work?

notanothernamechangebabes · 13/03/2017 08:45

I think it sounds like the school thing is possibly symptomatic of other things going on with your daughter... when I went off the rails in VI form, and started making the sorts of plans your daughter is, it was because my mother was having a nervous break down that I was desperately trying to manage (MH services didn't have the capacity to section her, although she probably needed it), and I had a boyfriend who was also a big pull away from school...

Does she have anything going on that would make her want to make such drastic changes? Boyfriend? Poss eating disorder? How is her relationship with you?

Not saying anything IS wrong- but it could be, and this could just be the warning light.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 13/03/2017 09:23

She's at a transition stage from childhood to adulthood. She needs adult autonomy to make her own choices/ errors, but like a child, still needs your support in the background.

She sounds burned out. Y11 is a horrid year. So much emphasis on study and revision in any school. It sounds like she needs a break of environment, not pushing through the same in the name of being academic. Support her to do research to find appropriate paths to follow over the next couple of years. What is the situation for resuming study? Funding will have changed in recent years.

Why does she want to go to her dad's? Is that a genuine desire, or a reaction to wanting a change? If she does go, she needs to know you are still there, accessible to her.

Now is not the time to plan big moves away. That's still a few years off when she is able to live independently.

You need to put your ambitions and hopes for her aside, and listen to her and what she genuinely needs short term, and what that could lead to long term.

ChasingAPinkBall · 13/03/2017 09:57

Don't move abroad as soon as she moves out. She'll never get over that.

Stop thinking about what other people will think and let her choose what she wants to do.
If she wants to work in an office see if she wants to do an admin/accountancy apprenticeship.
It's not the end of the world.
Shes going to grow and change so much in the next 10 years, she can take other qualifications in the future (if she wants to - not because of what others think)

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