To leave?

[ohmarina]

Bit of background info. I am a single parent and currently have quite a good job. I'm not particularly well off but I am comfortable. I have one DD who is currently in year 11. We live in quite an affluent area (got a mortgage at the right time!) and I have worked extremely hard to put my daughter through private education. She is in the process of doing her GCSE's and has recently informed me that she wants to get a job instead of doing her A levels or going to university. I informed her that she cannot leave full time education until she's 18 to which she replied that she will just do a health and social course. I am not a snob by any means but health and social courses are notoriously easy and looked down upon. She plans to just go into full time office work which she believes doesn't require many qualifications. I keep encouraging her to take a more ambitious path but she does not have the motivation. I cant help but feel disappointed as like I said, my neighbours and friends are affluent so their children are all aspiring to go to oxbridge or other universities, and want to take A Levels. To add an extra layer of complication, she wants to live with her Dad 2 hours away. I have never liked the idea of her moving in with him but am starting to think that maybe she should go. I have just recently paid off my mortgage and am thinking of selling if DD decides to move out. I lived in Malaysia for 2 years when I was 25 and am thinking that I may try to sell my house and move back there as I loved it.

Advice please xx

Is there an assumption that she would take A levels at her current school 6th form? If she is fed up with it, and many students are by that age, especially girls, then it might be that she could be motivated by the challenge of a 6th form college?

My DC both got into our top notch standalone VI form college and found it such a refreshing change from school. Obviously she would have to do well in GCSEs though............

If she doesn't fancy A levels though do any local FE colleges offer L3 Diplomas in subjects she would enjoy? Art/music, possibly dance?

I might motivate her and she could end up going to uni yet..................

re you buggering off to Malaysia because she doesn't do well in her GCSEs, that's going to make excellent fodder for her therapist in years to come isn't it? I know you are frustrated but that's really not a good idea.

To be honest, it's coming across a little bit that you are throwing your toys out of the pram because your daughter isn't following the path you envisaged.

Teenagers often make poor decisions, and they are often stubborn. If you stick around, she has room to change . If you go to Malaysia, her options become more limited - and it probably would seem like a rejection to her.

It would be more positive to try to figure out why she is underachieving while there's still time to turn things around.

Imperial, I guess I'd have to say that I don't think every individual is valuable within society. I do believe that every individual has the potential to be, and probably is at some point in their lives, but then make a wrong turn somewhere. Hopefully they can turn their lives around, but not all do.

I think I would let her know that I'm considering going abroad for an adventure for a few months in perhaps a couple of years' time, depending on whether she thinks that would fit in with her life plans.
They would give her time to process the idea and also to think about where she wants to go in life, in that context. It also means you're not jumping into the move 100% - I think you should give it a go for a little while before committing permanently.

*that not they

Just a quick note. I attended a talk a work re teenage emotional health by a child psychologist. He stated it's quite normal for teenagers to fail at this point it their lives. They then 'wake up' in a year or 2 when they figure out where they want to go in life.

I went to private school & GCSEs followed by A levels followed by uni was expected so I did it all. Degree was pretty much a waste of time & money because although I have a good job now I work with plenty who don't have degrees.
We also have apprentices who study & earn money which seems like it might suit her.
I guess my point is don't push her into doing what you think she should because it might backfire down the line.
Also, if my mum had buggered off to another country when I was 16 because she was ashamed or embarrassed of my career choices I'm not sure I would have wanted to ever speak to her again.

Are there other things that are distracting your daughter? Going out drinking, boys, etc? Is she just not really sure what she wants to do? I was very career orientated and knew exactly what I wanted to do (up to a point) and even with distractions and a very undesirable boyfriend during my a levels I still got the grades I wanted because I was determined and knew where I wanted to be in a few years. A lot of people I went to school with weren't really sure, went straight into jobs and after a few years they realised it wasn't what they wanted, went back to college and university and retrained, as nurses/teachers etc. Some live abroad rolling it in!
Others also went straight into full time work and were supported through qualifications (accountancy etc) by their employer. My boss didn't go to university but later trained as an accountant through work and is higher up than me...so it's not the be all and end all if she doesn't go.
I would ask does she not want to go to college now because she doesn't know what she wants to do? I don't know how close you are to your daughter but I would have been distraught at the idea of my mum moving to the other side of the world at 16.

I would also say OP that, although you put her though a great education, and kudos for doing that, that was YOUR choice.
This is her life and whilst you obviously don;t want to see her throwing away a great opportunity, it is her life - you can't force her to do something she doesn't want to do when you want her to do it. Sod the neighbours, who cares about them. Yes your DD may regret it in the future but it is her decision, all you can do is help and support her

Have you tried to find out why she's gone from an A* pupil to one who appears not to care anymore?

I go to Malaysia every year, usually a couple of times. I spent a year there about 20 years ago. It is a very different place now than then. If you haven't been for a while then go there before you make any decisions. Also due to the currency exchange it is more pricey that it was even a couple of years ago.

I really think that between 16 and 18 DC's need more support from us than at any other time.

as a responsible parent who knows the value of education you need to show her the alternatives to a levels - local tech college, specialist college to do nvq's apprenticeships, a state school.

I am afraid that she has got the impression that if you work in an office you must be a bit thick with no qualifications and nothing could be further from the truth on this one.

get her out doing some work experience, even if its just at weekends. take her to see other places of learning and give her every opportunity to be sure.

speak to her teachers and her dad at length and find out what is going on here.

I really, really would not be even thinking about leaving for the next 2 years. sure, you can go if you want to be selfish and please yourself but you are a mum and don't get that luxury until she is an adult.

Health and social care course isn't an easy course what a snobby thing to say I know plenty of people who did this course and went on to do degrees in nursing which requires extensive knowledge of anatomy and illnesses.

It might be worth drawing her attention to the fact that an entry-level clerical job on apprenticeship rates or minimum wage , 9.00am-5.00pm, 5 days a week, with only 4 weeks leave a year is NOT a doss. It will probably be be dull and repetitive, you can't choose the folk you spend all your day with from a large pool of people the same age and background as yourself like school and you will be under constraints regarding behaviour and appearance which are just as strict as at school. No pulling sickies if you've had a late night unless you want to lose your job (unlike university where you can skip the odd lecture). And working in social care is frequently exhausting and depressing, with huge responsibilities and will require gruelling shift work, all for very low pay. Her mates will still be in full-time education for just 30 weeks a year with all the excitement of moving away to university or travelling on gap years to look forward too.

A constructive solution would be to get on totally board with her ideas and offer her lots of opportunities to discover the reality of the type of work/training she envisages. She needs to talk to young people working in these sectors to discover just how restricted her late teens will become once she starts work.

Going to university is an option which can be exercised at almost any age (I was 52 when I graduated). If she is determined to follow her own path then real life experience will be of immense benefit should she decide to return to full time education later in life.

Not once have I suggested nursing or a health degree is easy. What i'm saying is the health and social btec a level course is widely regarded as an easy course.

Wouldn't you miss her terribly? I can't imagine not wanting to see my DD at this age, it's such a huge change seeing them transform into young adults, and I think they need support and guidance from us more than ever. It's just a few years until they will be totally independent and on their own feet so it's so important they have someone to "lean back" on while they make the last few yards!

They are also growing up in a world with more difficulties and much more stress than we did at that age, I think. If I look back to the ease of getting a job and the cost of living/housing then compared to now - I feel sorry for them really.

Your DD has different ideas from you as to what she wants to do next - she's 16, it's par for the course. She won't ruin her life, she may well learn some lessons but if she doesn't feel secure that you will support her, your relationship might be ruined in the process.

I would also be very concerned as to why she suddenly changed in terms of motivation and work.

This age is so interesting (I much prefer teenage years to toddler years but I did find being a parent difficult tbh) and the transformation to a fully independent (and hopefully happy) adult isn't one I would miss for anything.

Has your daughter actually experienced working in an office? If not I would get her into an employment agency and looking for full time hours during the Easter and Summer Holidays. It may well be that she enjoys this and it leads to a full time position. But something tells me she will get a sharp shock at the reality of her pre conceived ideas about employment. Then she will have time to reconsider whether she really wants to continue with her plans. I second the idea of a sixth form college/ college where she could resit her GCSE exams/ study A Levels or find a new course to enrol on.

I work in education - it most certainly is NOT regarded as an easy course - at level 3 it is very pressured and demanding

You don't have to stay in education until 18 either - you should but it's not legally enforceable

I'd let her go to her dads

Gong against the majority opinion I'd say YANBU. As long as: 1) you clearly inform both your DD and her father that if she moves in with him you'll leave for Malaysia for good; and 2) if there is always a door open to her to move to Malaysia with you. With the two caveats above, I'd say: go, if that's what you want to do.

If she was a few years older I'd say go for it but she is at such a pivotal age and probably needs you more than ever the next couple of years or so. I don't think I'd forgive a parent for fucking off to live their dreams when I was 16. I think if you do this you are risking such a lot.

Can you really not wait another 3-4 years. She's still a child fgs.

If it doesn't work out at her Dad's then that's her fault as she has chosen to move

She is 16. We all make mistakes at arpund that age. Especially about where we would prefer to live when our parents arent together.

What is the real issue here? Because it really does sound like you are planning this to almost punish her for not being what you want to her be. And I dont believe thats the case.

I really hate the casual way people are recommending she goes off to her dad's. This is her daughter - she's her mum and should be there for her. Obviously sometimes it can be really tough having a teenager in the house and if she was violent or hurting other children then yes, moving might be an alternative, but to just recommend she goes off to live with her dad now sounds really uncaring to me.

My mum emigrated when I was 26. I hated it. Don't do that to a 16 year old, please.

I'd not even consider moving until she's settled as an adult, abandoning her as a child because she hasn't met your expectations is awful.

Maybe she's rebelling against the pressure of education, the parents I know who go private expect far more from their children and very much think of it as an investment they want a return from.