to be feeling like i have no say in my life

[bluespringtime]

A lot has happened this last year, first of all can I make it clear I do sort of love my child, any issues I have with parenting him are my fault not his and so I don't show it. He is happy I think and well cared for and in any case my husband is a brilliant dad.

So a lot happened this last year, I had been in my job a year when I got pregnant in June 2015 and I loved it, really sad though that sounds but we had just moved to the area so didn't really know anyone. So work colleagues became good friends, we would have nights out and coffees and chats. I was a teacher, it was a lovely school, lovely children.

Obviously once I was pregnant there were no more nights out, I was very ill and went on maternity leave early. I found it all very difficult, the days were long and I was so lonely. Husband worked long hours. I think I was a bit depressed.

I went back to work in September but there was a new head, department had changed, it was different. I was sleeping badly and felt on the back foot all the time as I was part time, keptmissing important information. Had a bad lesson obs in October, what followed felt like I was constantly on alert people "dropping in" children saying they had been asked how much homework I set. Another bad lesson obs in November and the head asked me if I wanted to leave at Christmas, or go on capability, I obviously agreed to leave. Hubby very supportive. Said I was stretching myself too thin.

He thinks next month to try for another baby and wants to emigrate. I am torn. I've no real reason to stay but then I don't feel I want to go either. I have to ask formoney all the time I hate it. I just feel like I'velost everything that made me who I was and I don't feel I like this new me. I am grumpy defensive tired and angry. But I don't know how to stop!

[juneau]

Of course you have a say OP! A marriage should be a partnership, not a dictatorship. I think you don't know what you want and feel you have no options and THAT is the main problem. It sounds like you went back to work too quickly last time and foundered, so do you want to look for another job? Do you want to have a second DC right now, or is it just your DH pushing for that? As for emigration, wow! So much going on. Why does your DH want to emigrate for heaven's sake - is he Canadian or does he have contacts there that could mean a good salary, etc, that would free you up to a SAHP? If he's requiring you to 'ask' if you can spend money now will that continue if you move? Will you be able to work in Canada? I don't work and have NEVER asked my DH if I can buy clothes or something with money from our joint account ...

[Bansteadmum]

You already moved to an inconvenient location because your H wanted to. Emigration should be off the table, not least because of the hague convention as a PP has highlighted.

You were not a bad teacher/mother when you were working. That's the depression talking. You has some really difficult circumstances andbad luck with your employer and struggled: many of us do. Once you feel better you can regain your confidence, whatever you decide about WoH.

[bluespringtime]

Thanks, there's loads to think about. I don't feel able to see a GP without someone being there, maybe I could take a friend instead of Dh.

[Miserylovescompany2]

Taking a friend would be the better option. Maybe make a list with bullet points? I know when I visit the GP my mind goes blank.

Just be honest like you have been on here. You are taking a huge step by admitting you need a little help, think of this as the first step of many taking you in the right direction.

Stick everything else on pause and concentrate on getting yourself to where you need to be.

[juneau]

By all means take a friend to the doctor's, if that will help you to feel calm and supported - many people do that.

WRT your DH's ever-changing emigration plans and new baby plans please tell him to just hold off. You sound like you're suffering with PND from your first baby and you just sound so unhappy. Emigrating is massive and will take a lot of effort, money and thought. You need be well and strong before even having that conversation, much less acting on it.

[Emeralda]

Take whoever you feel most comfortable with, to give yourself the best chance of getting help. I agree about writing things down. I don't know if this will be helpful but you could google the Edinburgh post- natal depression scale to see if that helps you decide what to say. If there's anything you don't want, say you don't want it but keep asking what else they can offer you. Don't be put off by waiting lists, get yourself on there and decide whether you need it at the time. And ask what support they can offer in the meantime.

[missbishi]

Earlier, you mentioned that you didn't want a baby. I'm sorry if this seems out of order but were you coerced into having him? Something just seems a little...flaggy, that's all. Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

[bluespringtime]

My pregnancy wasn't planned. It was hard. I thought i'd feel differently, but Idon't.

[regularbutpanickingabit]

How are you feeling, Blue?