to be feeling like i have no say in my life

[bluespringtime]

A lot has happened this last year, first of all can I make it clear I do sort of love my child, any issues I have with parenting him are my fault not his and so I don't show it. He is happy I think and well cared for and in any case my husband is a brilliant dad.

So a lot happened this last year, I had been in my job a year when I got pregnant in June 2015 and I loved it, really sad though that sounds but we had just moved to the area so didn't really know anyone. So work colleagues became good friends, we would have nights out and coffees and chats. I was a teacher, it was a lovely school, lovely children.

Obviously once I was pregnant there were no more nights out, I was very ill and went on maternity leave early. I found it all very difficult, the days were long and I was so lonely. Husband worked long hours. I think I was a bit depressed.

I went back to work in September but there was a new head, department had changed, it was different. I was sleeping badly and felt on the back foot all the time as I was part time, keptmissing important information. Had a bad lesson obs in October, what followed felt like I was constantly on alert people "dropping in" children saying they had been asked how much homework I set. Another bad lesson obs in November and the head asked me if I wanted to leave at Christmas, or go on capability, I obviously agreed to leave. Hubby very supportive. Said I was stretching myself too thin.

He thinks next month to try for another baby and wants to emigrate. I am torn. I've no real reason to stay but then I don't feel I want to go either. I have to ask formoney all the time I hate it. I just feel like I'velost everything that made me who I was and I don't feel I like this new me. I am grumpy defensive tired and angry. But I don't know how to stop!

[Emeralda]

You do have choices, as an equal partner in the marriage, you don't have to go along with anything you don't want to. Sounds like it doesn't feel like that to you though. Sounds like you feelstuckk, isolated and unhappy.

Have you spoken to your GP about how you're feeling? How are you sleeping now? Do you think you could be depressed now? You sound low and quick to blame yourself. If you are depressed, that's something you can get help with, and you'll be in a better position to make decisions then.

It might seem strange to you to go to your GP about feeling grumpy, defensive and tired, but you're not yourself, and the GP can help with thst.

I think I remember you posting before when the job was coming to an end. I'm sorry things aren't any easier now for you.

[Bansteadmum]

Being (very likely unfairly) dismissed soon after return from maternity leave is a huge deal, it's totally understandable to be upset or depressed after that.

It also sounds like your H is a big problem.

[Bansteadmum]

Why would he need to quit work? childcare.

[isthistoonosy]

Do you want to work?
Do you want to teach?

[Headofthehive55]

Even if it's weekend work in retail, you need something to build upon. Even if you only break even it's worth doing.
He won't want that as you have little family time, but it's worth doing. It will help you.
I worked half nights, with no childcare. It can be done.

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

&Head, the problem is childcare sad another job wouldn't pay as well and tbh we were only just breaking even with teaching 3 days a week as then we had to run 2 cars, petrol costs, working wardrobe etc.So we're no better off*

If working would make you happy, who cares if all your wage goes on childcare?! You'll be no worse off thanyou are now, but your mental health will be much improved.

My childcare bill is ridiculous and I literally have £300 left after I pay it, but I love my job and staying home with young children isn't something I can do long-term as I feel very isolated and this leads to depression.
I would still be working wether any money was left or not, as is what I need to do.
if you feel work would make you feel better, do it

[AtSea1979]

Sounds like you've got nothing to lose by going and it might really help. Do some research, check they have good parent and child groups you can make friends at.
As for the finances, you need to sort this asap you should work out what is left after all the bills/savings whatever and split it 50/50 not ask for things.

[archersfan22]

I used to do a bit of tutoring in the evenings when my toddler was in bed so I didn't need to rely on husband coming home on time, also sometimes at weekends when husband was around.
Also I've done online exam marking which I worked round naptimes and bedtimes.
Do you get some time to yourself at the weekend or in the evening? Even if it's just to go out for a walk by yourself for half an hour? Doesn't need to be anything that costs money. Otherwise it's easy to get into a situation where you spend all your time dealing with child and housework and never have space to be yourself.
What is the situation with school starting age/preschool funding in Canada? (Similar to the 3 year old funding here?) Might be worth looking into. I am expecting a second child and I made sure it didn't happen until number 1 was eligible for funding so that I wouldn't have both of them at home full time because I knew I would really struggle with that.
It's hard to tell from your post whether your husband is being unsupportive and is part of the problem or whether he is trying his best but you're still finding it hard to cope, could you still be depressed? Either way, the emigration should be a joint decision. If you're finding it hard to think clearly about it at the moment you need to tell your husband you need some time to think about it.
I also work in education and lesson observations have a large element of luck in my experience. I once had a good one purely because they came to a class that I got on really well with. If they'd come to the previous group they would have seen students throwing pencils round the room...
I really hope you feel better soon.

[Headofthehive55]

What about a teaching assistant job? Keeps you in the loop.

[RainbowsAndUnicorn]

If you are not coping now with one child, then another isn't going to help. It would mean even longer out of the workplace if you really can't afford the childcare.

I'd look for some work, even if you do have to go full time. The longer you leave it the the harder it will be in future.

It's not just the financial benefits, working provides a whole host of other benefits.

[Miserylovescompany2]

I don't know if I picked this up right? When you worked part time you paid for the childcare yourself? Is this correct?

If so, why was the cost not split?

Why are you having to ask for money, do you not have a joint account that you can access without having to ask permission before doing so?

This doesn't sound like an equal partnership. It sounds very one sided. Especially where money is concerned.

[bluespringtime]

Excuse me, I wasn't dismissed

We could not afford to have one parent working, and one at home, plus child in childcare. Look, I'll try to explain.

Nursery costs about £50 a day, so for the 3 days a week I was teaching that's £150, so about £600 a month. My take home salary when teaching was £800. So I made a £200 "profit" but minus the costs of running a car on that. So really it was more like a profit of £100 and stillworth doing as it kept my hand in. But we couldn't afford tolose money. Anyway like I say it wasn't really "what can I do for a newjob" I wanted. I just feel everything has somehow gne horribly wrong

[bluespringtime]

No we've always had joint accounts I just mean we weren't really any better off with me working. TA work wouldn't cover nursery fees and I wouldn't really enjoy it. But honestly I don't really think I want career advice, this is my life now, I have to try and be happy in it but I don't know how

[Trollspoopglitter]

But you didn't have to ask for money did you?

[GirlElephant]

Blue have you spoken to DH about how you feel? Have you visited your GP? You sound very unhappy

[Clare2017]

Did you get any support from your union? It sounds to me as though you have been treated unfairly over the capability or leave situation.

Can't really offer anything in the way of advice, but hope things get better.

x

[Spudlet]

I left my job totally voluntarily to become a SAHM, but I do sometimes feel a little like this, so I'm sure it must be more severe for you. Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Have you spoken to anyone in real life?

In terms of having a small income, how about some kind of freelancing online? Something that could be done during naps or after your dc is in bed. You don't want to go mad and give yourself no downtime, but a bit here and there keeps your hand in and gives you some money that is unequivocally yours. I do a bit of copy editing here and there through DHs firm, it just keeps me ticking over. At some point I shall organise myself to find some more.

[bluespringtime]

No, I definitely don't want to go to my GP,but thanks :) I will sound awful and this is partly what I'm talking about with the defensive thing but I've been criticised so many times by GP, HV, midwife, for things I can't help, I've just completely lost trust in any of them, I make my husband come or stay as they are so rude.

[Bansteadmum]

You were threatened with poor performance procedures unless you left. It could be argued this was constructive dismissal.

Childcare costs need to be considered against the medium and long term financial benefits and "risk sharing" of both partners WoH, and your wishes.

If you SAH there are big financial risks for you personally. The model works really well for many women, but if your H is domineering with his own agenda (emigrating is extreme) and/or financially abusive it's inadviseable to SAH.

[Cary2012]

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that from your OP, you could be suffering from untreated PND. I had that and didn't get treated for almost a year, and it was awful.

I think you need to put everything on hold, and not make further life changes until you see your GP. Get your health sorted first.

Depression can be overwhelming, small decisions can leave you questioning your judgement and floor you. So no big decisions until you feel better.

Your "I sort of love my DS" comment jumped out at me, which is why I think pnd. Please see GP soon. If you get help, you'll have clarity of thought and know what you want. You have loads of options, but perhaps can't see them clearly now.

[disappearingfish]

Could you be suffering from PND?

Agree with all the others. Don't emigrate now and don't have another baby yet.

Just because one job didn't work out it doesn't mean another one won't.

Wish you lots of luck OP.

[Bansteadmum]

In response to posters' suggestions you are doing a lot of a psychological game called "yes but": dismissing every suggestion etc, and are angry with health professionals in RL.

Yet you don't seem to question your H, whose motives seem questionable.

[bluespringtime]

yes Banstead but there is absolutely nothingI can now about that, this is all contributing to the lack of control I have.

I didn't want a baby but had one.
I didn't want to leave myjob but had to.
I now can't really work.
I don't know how I feel about emigrating but as I'm not the one working it's not my choice.

[Obsessedalready]

Honestly I think you would benefit from some cbt. You are thinking very negatively and I'm not sure there is a quick solution that can be diagnosed over the Internet.

Feeling good by Dr David Burns is a book about cbt with exercises if you don't feel you can get childcare for appointments.

[happypoobum]

I agree with PP that now would not be a good time for you to have another child, you just don't seem ready.

Teaching is hard and the pressure of constant monitoring/obs/paperwork can be overwhelming.

If I were you I would look for a PT job doing something completely different, maybe evenings or weekends, in retail or hospitality. Just something to get you out and making your own friends and your own decisions. To make you feel more like you again.

Have you looked at jobs in FE in your area if you want to stay in teaching. Most FE colleges are literally screaming out for hourly paid lecturers, especially in English and Maths but other subjects too. You could pick and choose what hours suited you within reason. Pay varies regionally but in SE you would earn approx £25 - £30 per hour.

Good luck