to be feeling like i have no say in my life

[bluespringtime]

A lot has happened this last year, first of all can I make it clear I do sort of love my child, any issues I have with parenting him are my fault not his and so I don't show it. He is happy I think and well cared for and in any case my husband is a brilliant dad.

So a lot happened this last year, I had been in my job a year when I got pregnant in June 2015 and I loved it, really sad though that sounds but we had just moved to the area so didn't really know anyone. So work colleagues became good friends, we would have nights out and coffees and chats. I was a teacher, it was a lovely school, lovely children.

Obviously once I was pregnant there were no more nights out, I was very ill and went on maternity leave early. I found it all very difficult, the days were long and I was so lonely. Husband worked long hours. I think I was a bit depressed.

I went back to work in September but there was a new head, department had changed, it was different. I was sleeping badly and felt on the back foot all the time as I was part time, keptmissing important information. Had a bad lesson obs in October, what followed felt like I was constantly on alert people "dropping in" children saying they had been asked how much homework I set. Another bad lesson obs in November and the head asked me if I wanted to leave at Christmas, or go on capability, I obviously agreed to leave. Hubby very supportive. Said I was stretching myself too thin.

He thinks next month to try for another baby and wants to emigrate. I am torn. I've no real reason to stay but then I don't feel I want to go either. I have to ask formoney all the time I hate it. I just feel like I'velost everything that made me who I was and I don't feel I like this new me. I am grumpy defensive tired and angry. But I don't know how to stop!

[bluespringtime]

Lol that was a X post I didn'tmean a yes but.

I know. But some of the suggestions are lovely just not what I need right now. I just can't imagine working, but I hate not working too ... Really I want my old life but it isn't happening any time soon so how can I build a new one I don'tknow!

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

You need to look at the bigger picture here.

You've just had a child and that means your world as you knew it will implode.

It means new routines/financial constraints and friendships are all going to change

Work changes because childcare is expensive and you have to weigh up what's important in those terms

The good news is it's all temporary- you will eventually adjust - do t fight against the changes - accept them and move forward.

Also understand that another child will create greater pressure than what you are e perfecting now and further delay your return to the work place.

Consider what would make you feel better about yourself and pursue it.

[GirlElephant]

When I asked about GP I was thinking of PND, as your relationship with DC & way you describe your life sounds sad. I know you've said you don't trust your GP or MW so could you get an app't with another GP?

Moving to another country is a huge decision, it's not one for just your DH to make. Has he lived in Canada before? If not has he just been on holiday there & had a pipe dream of moving? Your relationship would need to be strong to be in a place to create a new life together.

[bluespringtime]

I could maybe try to find another GP. I'm sure my medical notes say I'mangry and defensive. Maybe I am. But honestly that's so far from whoI was, and who I think I still am inside.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

It sounds like you might have PND, driven by circumstance. Saying you 'sort of' love your DC suggests a degree of depression/numbness. That is hard to admit to so well done for being honest - honesty is paramount at a time when things are tough. You are being authentic and that is a powerful start to making changes.

You feel a lack of autonomy which would break down anyone's self-esteem.

You don't feel equal in the partnership with your H because you aren't earning. This is partially due to an inherently sexist society which devalues mothering, but how much is your H contributing to that feeling that you are somehow lesser?

A lack of friends and peers is a big depressing factor too.

You are still the same person with all the same strengths and ideas - mothering little children is so tough.

I would agree with pps that this is not the time for your husband to be suggesting you leave the country or try for another baby. It sounds like he's thinking of how to make a positive change too but he's going about it in a way which is making you feel worse. You need to explain this to him.

Your confidence and sense of self is low and you need to talk it through with him. Would he listen and be receptive?

You can turn this round! You need a little time and patience and maybe to see your GP. Also you need new contacts, a new group of people around you, even if it's helping out at a kids group that interests you, or making sure you get out to something everyday and slowly build up contacts.

Believe in yourself. You deserve the right to create a life that makes you happy. Hopefully your DH will support you in this.

[Vegansnake]

Sounds to me like you were forced in to leaving,when you should of been given support from the school..

[Miserylovescompany2]

I completely get that you don't want to visit your GP, but burying your head in the sand isn't going to make these feelings go away.

Why do you feel the HV and GP were criticising you? What things couldn't you help?

[Bansteadmum]

Not working does not mean you get any less say in decisions about YOUR (and your DC's) life!

[Emeralda]

You'll probably get lots of helpful suggestions about work that it might be useful to come back to in future, and some comments about your marriage which may or not be welcome.
But the main thing just now seems to be the fact that you feel your life has run away with you, you don't like how it is, you don't see a way to change that, and you're not convinced you can change it because you don't recognise yourself anymore as the capable and happy woman you used to be. Is that about right?

When did you last see your GP and did you talk about any of this?

[annfield62]

You say "you do sort of love your child". I think your depressed and maybe overwhelmed with moving to a new area, getting a job you loved, having a baby, leaving your job and now considering emigrating. Do you feel isolated now your not working. Please talk to your GP or a health professional. You need to feel ok and in control to be ready to move on to the next chapter in your life. I wish you well x

[bluespringtime]

atrocious Thank you I think Ipossibly do have a touch of PND. I found pregnancy awful and the birth awful and so when they put DS on me I just thought "get him away!" (I was not quite with it so don't judge me) I also had thought he was a girl so him being different was a shock. Like he wasn'tmine.

He's much nicer now, in particular I like it that he shouts in happiness when I come in. It's cute and makes me feel really warm. I didn't really feel connected to him but when he did that I had my first "aww" moment and I've had a few since where he has really made me laugh and he is a really "good" baby, sleeps well, plays happily, just a nice natured little boy. I hope he stays that way!

Its just I feel every day is so so so long and Idon't really get to talk to anybody. Hard to explain.

HV and GP criticiseme just for being me. For having had a baby at all ithink!

[bluespringtime]

Yes Emerelda. Ilast saw my GP earlyJuly I think

[chocoholic1234]

I've been there. Almost identical situation. What you need is a new plan. You've been forced into being a Sahm, which is very different to choosing to. It will feel the same as people who have been forced into early retirement, or redundancy. Once you find a new plan, you will feel like you have more of a purpose.

So, possible plans. 1) Continue being a sahm here. But really try to make it work, go to playgroups with the aim of chatting to at least 1 new person. Have a plan for everyday, even if it's just a walk in the woods.
2) Find a job. Tricky with childcare, but you may need to think outside the box. Think about what you could do on the evenings or weekends (if your oh is around then). At one stage my husband and I had 12 tutees between us, mostly evenings. Tutorhunt and first tutors are great for this. Or bar work, or retail, or childminding. Anything to get your self worth back. I know people who put their baby into nursery on the assumption that they will get supply. (This does depend on location, in Essex you could work everyday, where I live now it's once a week).
3) Research at moving to Canada. It can be a great place to live, but join message boards and forums, plan how and where you would live.

[Knifegrinder]

I'm. It surprised you feel angry and defensive, OP, but I agree with Banstead that you're questioning everyone's motives but your DH's, a man who is pressuring you to have another baby and emigrate when you are depressed, anxious and lonely with one child and living in a new area of your own country. His motives for pushing this can only be selfish, because it's obviously not going to improve things for you, and you're only considering going along with his because he's the sole earner, and you seem to feel this rules out your wishes.

Come on, OP. There are two new parents in this relationship, both of whom prefer to/need to work. You need to put the kybosh on the second baby and Canada plans, and sit down and talk about how you achieve this. Part-time didn't work for you, so what about FT, (and considering your joint salaries against childcare and car costs etc)?

I felt in a fog of misery for the first year of my son's life, but it lifted, and I am the person, and the professional, I was before, but with a child.

[Knifegrinder]

Sorry, first line should read 'I'm not surprised...' x-posted with your last. Being alone with a baby and no support is awful. Do whatever is necessary to change that. Best wishes.

[bluespringtime]

Honestly I can't do anything like supply or tutoring. DH works 8-8, with a commute. And we couldn't afford for DS tobe in nursery. And plus it's not going to help with feeling lonely. I miss feeling a part of things. FT just wouldn't work, I know I am too tired and my confidence istoo low to even apply for jobs anyway.

[Emeralda]

Loads of things have changed since July! And you feel worse. You definitely need to see a GP again. I don't know how it works in your surgery. Can you request to see one in particular? Anyone you feel comfortable with? We can help you with what to say when you get in there that smooths the path for you.

[bluespringtime]

I'd need to take Dh with me and this means I can't be honest really. It's difficult.

[RainbowsAndUnicorn]

Why on earth would you need to take your DH with you to the doctors?

You seem to be very woe is me and have an excuse for everything that could be changed but you don't want to or won't make the effort.

[rainbowstardrops]

I think you need to see a GP. You sound very depressed and your comment about kind of loving your son is a huge flag. Please go and ask for help.
I wouldn't be considering another baby or such a massive move until you've sorted yourself out.
Just out of interest, how supportive is your DH?

[Bansteadmum]

Your MH is a high priority. Once you're feeling better other things can be sorted out.

In what ways to you perceive your new health professionals to have criticised you? ("Just for being me" is vague) Did you decline treatment perhaps? Could you switch GPs? Self refer directly to MH services? (We can do that where I live).

If where you're living now requires two cars if you both WoH and is a long commute for DH, meaning he can't do any daytime parenting Mon to Fri, and you need/want to WoH at some point, then your current location doesn't seem a good one.

If you were living there while teaching and doing all parenting all week and teaching 3 days it's little wonder you felt exhausted and struggled. Your H made no changes to his job to help?

When you're better and able to look into WoH again on paper getting back to teaching or another job could be fine (as you say it'd probably need to be FT for a while at least) you can just say you took a break to care for Ds.

[RB68]

I think you

1. need to see GP and have the conversation
   
2. Need to talk through with DH about how you are feeling and esp re the money at the least ask for access to money and perhaps an Tutoring around the 11 plus is big bucks round where I am so even one evening of tutoring (maybe with DH home earlier??) Could help your self confidence and give a bit extra for spending

[bluespringtime]

I am, Rainbows, yes, that's why I started the thread. If you have a problem with it, go and post somewhere else because I'm not going to go oh yeah actually I'm really happyI was jus winding you all up, to please you

I'd need to take DH as I won't see health professionals alone.DH is very supportive.

[Bansteadmum]

If you register with a different GP why not just see them alone?

[Bansteadmum]

Who instigated the decision to move to your current location?